I have used food to self-soothe for many years. Maybe some of you can relate. Many times, you can tell how I'm doing emotionally by what my diet consists of. Whenever I get upset or overwhelmed, my first thoughts are about high quantities of sugar and carb related foods. Give me tons of junk food and I believe it makes me feel better. Reward sensors in my brain go "ding, ding, ding!"
I've recently discovered that mine is a common story, especially among those in "helping professions" (i.e. counselors, nurses, clergy, etc.). I know food is used by many for coping, however, I see a difference in some of us in these professions that often hinge on people's worst moments in life in their psychological, physical and spiritual health. We have been the caregivers of many, and most of us that has been our role most of our lives. In fact, many of us thrive on helping others. To the point where, if we aren't helping or realize that we are replaceable, this is painful for us. We LOVE being needed...but, sometimes...all that helping catches up to us. When we help others so often, we drain ourselves and do not refill. The trendy term right now is "self-care." Our self-care is neglected in the name of being needed and helping others. Many of us don't take a break to restore ourselves, because, after all, so many people need us. But many of us feel that, as much as we care for others, we don't get that same kind of care in return. So, people like me feel sugar-laiden foods calling our name! After all, it sends off all sorts of reward sensors in our brain, no matter how temporary. But the proverbial shot-in-the-arm it gives, the temporary high feels good.
I've found that many people choose to "care for themselves" by doing what makes them happy or what is easy and convenient. For me, when I'm overwhelmed or exhausted, the diet is the first thing to go. I love sugar and disregard the consequences. Case in point, between January and April I was feeling so much better while eating Keto, I'd dropped a few pounds, and I'd been consistent at CrossFit on MWF of each week. I was feeling and looking better than I had in awhile. As my stress level with school/work/home balance was rising, my eating took a huge dip. I was just exhausted and I didn't want to care about food...I just wanted to be happy. Sweet foods make me happy. I felt more and more drawn to them, regardless of the consequences. I had good days and bad days, as all humans do. But, I acknowledge that I make food choices consciously that I know full well are not in my body or mind's best interest. I tend to do this consistently when I am stressed.
Some of you know the marathon of a health journey that I've been on. I want to be clear, this has been a journey for me that is far from over. It started for me with a doctor's appointment in December 2015 where I was at the highest weight I'd ever been. I'd been through a lot that year, between Selah's injury and other things, that I was stressed to the max and eating constantly. I didn't know where to turn, so I turned to food. The thing is, even 2 years in and 30 some pounds lost and several pounds in muscle gained, the internal war continues. For me, this will be a marathon. I don't always do well. I get buried in shame and eat even more at times. I get started well, but often lose energy over time. I'm still trying to figure out how to stay motivated. I get lazy in life and lazy in my eating when I'm too stressed. This has been true on and off for the last 6 weeks. I feel yucky, my attitude is awful and my body feels weak. I don't like the feeling, and yet, at times, it doesn't detour me from making poor choices food-wise. I'm still trying to figure out why. I've gained more insight over time, but it's a long ways from being over.
My health journey is just that. It's a journey. But, it's a journey that my husband has been supportive of because, when I am consistent, I feel better and enjoy life more. He has learned a lot along the way too. He's learned that the food issue is often the cover of other issues (i.e. grief, stress). It's all that he's learned with me that has helped him become even more compassionate and understanding as he's watched me struggle. I'm not perfect, far from it. But, he's been encouraging and kind to me all along the way. (Side note: I'm super proud of him for becoming a health coach last month because it's his wheelhouse, but he's also seen me through literally years of struggle and is increasingly prepared for the stories and lives he will interact with!)
Anyway, I don't have a lot of answers. But I just wanted to share my story because I wanted people to know they're not alone. I know what it is to eat my emotion. As many gains as I've made in my health in the last couple of years, don't be fooled...my internal war is intense and ingrained in me from years of using food to cope with my life stressors. I want you to know, change is possible, but it may not come swiftly...and that's okay too. For me, my husband keeping me accountable has been helpful. His encouragement has been crucial. He's going to rock it as a health coach through both the accountability and encouragement he will provide others. I've never seen myself as a strong, capable or healthy person. This is the first time where I've taken my body and life seriously through activity (CrossFit has changed my life and my self-confidence level over the last year, I've improved a lot!) and dietary changes. But my struggle is real. And it's not over. But I've chosen that tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to take the summer to get refocused. 12 weeks of consistency in the hopes of building new habits. But I'm not naive enough to think this will suddenly end my poor coping skills, but I'm hoping to make more progress and be better than I was before!
By the way, for those that were concerned that Keto's restrictions made me "binge," let me tell you, that is not at all the case. For me, Keto has been a match made in heaven and I've loved it. But my years of coping with stress through food come back to haunt me. In fact, when I was really on the ball with Keto, it was always at home. If we were invited to a party and such, I'd indulge in a controlled way. I wasn't fearful or paranoid about what I was eating, I just made my own rule that I always eat Keto at home and there was more leniancy outside of the home. So, no worries, people :) I was confident in my life and my eating and I'd never felt better. I'm happy to go back, but I must be more cognizant of my weak times. I am accountable for what I eat, no one and nothing else can make me eat anything. I'm excited to go back to eating "real" food where it's unprocessed! I feel so much better when I do! If you need some accountability too, feel free to contact Jason, my husband at jason.taylor@marquette.edu. (Shameless plug, but not the point of me writing this at all). Accountability and encouragement were the key to my life changes, and in case that's the case for you, I wanted to let you know someone I trust is out there who understands the journey I've outlined here. Regardless of whether you contact him or not, I just want every emotional eater to know that you're not alone. But, there is hope, too. While the struggle remains, it doesn't have to control you. And even when it does feel that it controls you, you can get up and start again. I'm going to too...starting tomorrow!
