I love my work. It is a deep, passionate and hard work. I've loved walking alongside others in life as long as I can remember. But there's been a call deep in my soul that has focused on marriage since high school. No, not in a fanciful, cute kind of way...but rather reading books plumbing the depths of the inner workings of marriage. The kind of stuff that I'd get odd looks for reading in my teens.
I couldn't explain it then, but I was drawn toward people's thoughts and insights on marriage, both its joys and its struggles.
I've been a place of confidence and truthfulness for my friends about their struggles for a lot of my life. I've heard the stories of many marriages from many perspectives from those within and without. One thing I've learned is that there is no formula that can contain the glories and burdens of marriage.
Marriage is a great mystery that is sought after by the majority of people. It is this seemingly mystical union between two people who are both individuals and yet together as one. A violation of vows is still seen by the cultural majority to be inappropriate and wrong.
There are so many aspects of marriage that are seemingly interwoven contradictions. Marriage is two individuals, yet unity. It is full of great joy, yet pain. It is a place a safety and love and yet when we are in pain we often wound the ones we love the most. We want to be seen and known and yet we do not because that vulnerability is terrifying. There are myriads of books on this topic and yet they barely seem to scratch the surface of this mysterious bond.
I have a deep passion for this work because I see how much heartache was apparent in the books that I've read and now in the couples in my office. They feel in over their heads and yet this longing for connection with another human being remains. To know someone on a deep level and to be known ourselves. We want to be treasured and to be the apple of someone else's eye, and yet when the realities of life and marriage collide, so many couples find themselves disillusioned. This isn't what they signed up for.
The average couple waits 6 years after things "start getting bad" before they seek help from the outside (OYF Communications [podcast], 2019)
While couples work is seen by many as difficult (which it is) and sticky (which it is), when the couple shows up in my office and has two different ideas of what's going on, two opinions, two life stories... there is a lot to digest with that, and yet I see the way God's made us play out. The interplay between them weaves together their innate longing for connection with each other and yet wanting to be seen in their individuality as well. I believe this is congruent with Scripture. The Bible talks about how we are all made as individuals, and yet, if we are disconnected from Him or the body we are incomplete. We want to be attached and connected to each other and yet losing oneself entirely in the other doesn't lead to the fullest functioning of self or relationship. It is a blend of dependence and independence. Connection and freedom. The mystery continues.
I'm currently in training in a relationship therapy called Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT). At its root, in my study and my work with clients, there is a desire for safety and security with our significant other that is foundational to how we function in the rest of life. When we feel that we have a safe landing space in our relationship, it allows us to go out and feel free to take risks and explore the world...knowing that even if everything falls to pieces, there is safety at the home base. Feeling deeply connected, intimately known and a safe place of belonging in all our goodness and flaws is foundational in the couple's relationship to be able to more fully engage in life outside of the relationship. Knowing that we can be vulnerable, express our deepest fears and tears, empowers us to be able to feel safer in the world as a whole.
Couples come in often expressing anger, frustrations, criticism, feelings of being attacked and the like. The feelings of safety with the one we love in our deepest places has somehow been violated. As I work with couples to explore what goes on beneath the anger and frustration to deeper places of feeling hurt, sad, rejected, unwanted, etc. and they have new interactions together in my office, it is some of the most powerful things I have ever experienced in my life. When the guard comes down as they open up to me, and I pass the buck to the partner to be the felt place of safety, there are the special moments of the guard coming down and reaching for each other when they "feel like they're falling" and being caught by the other that is such a demonstration of the Gospel. What starts out with everyone being on guard, the drilling down that happens with EFT, it moves from those emotions that feel like they can defend themselves (anger, criticism, withdrawing) to these softer emotions of pain and fear and then finally to the deepest fears of being left/disconnected and feeling like one isn't enough in general...and the couple catches each other as the partner feels like they're falling is absolutely amazing to witness. When they see each other in their most vulnerable spaces and they realize they are not adversaries, but rather two people scared to death, there is this "moving toward" each other that happens. When the couple puts in the the work together and on their own to put down the guns and to seek to understand oneself and the other, when the partner can see the other be able to hold and handle their sadness, shame and fear and reach for them, rather than run or fight, that is where healing can begin.
Example: I once saw a conversation about a missed nail appointment turn into "I'm so afraid I'm not worth his time"...and the look of shock and eventual tears from an otherwise stoic husband who had no idea that was what was going through her mind...they turned into an embrace between them full of tears for almost a full minute. I saw the question of "If I fall, will you catch me?" be answered with a resounding "YES!" in that moment. There was still a lot of work to do, but this was an amazing moment on only their third session together.
Why am I passionate? THIS IS THE GOSPEL. The God of the universe who clothed a shamed Adam and Eve, when they fell...he caught them. With the entrance of sin into the world and all of the falling short that happens and yet the Lord says, "I'm here and I love you." We were intended by our creator to be "naked and unashamed"...we can be all of who we are and embrace it in our relationship with him. These marriages are designed by God to be small echoes of that Gospel. These marriages were meant to be the things the children see and learn more about who God is and how even a broken world can find its wholeness in him. No, it is not always pretty and far from perfect, but the safety and security we find in our relationship with our Creator...we get a small glimpse of it in marriage in a very unique way. It is the foundation of family and therefore society. It is worth investing in. No government or laws can replace it. It is a unique and invaluable union that has the possibility of projecting His Truth into the world.
And that is why I'm here. I love this gritty and non-linear work. As a couple draws closer together, the people and world around them takes notice of this small reflection of His love for us. And that is worth investing in.
Side note: This is simply reflections on why I do this work. There are some marriages that are NOT safe and other outlets need to be explored. Not every couple and situation is safe and should be stayed in. Please seek your own counsel and do your work with a professional like me, if need be to explore the possibilities for your personal relationship.
