I love my work. It is a deep, passionate and hard work. I've loved walking alongside others in life as long as I can remember. But there's been a call deep in my soul that has focused on marriage since high school. No, not in a fanciful, cute kind of way...but rather reading books plumbing the depths of the inner workings of marriage. The kind of stuff that I'd get odd looks for reading in my teens.
I couldn't explain it then, but I was drawn toward people's thoughts and insights on marriage, both its joys and its struggles.
I've been a place of confidence and truthfulness for my friends about their struggles for a lot of my life. I've heard the stories of many marriages from many perspectives from those within and without. One thing I've learned is that there is no formula that can contain the glories and burdens of marriage.
Marriage is a great mystery that is sought after by the majority of people. It is this seemingly mystical union between two people who are both individuals and yet together as one. A violation of vows is still seen by the cultural majority to be inappropriate and wrong.
There are so many aspects of marriage that are seemingly interwoven contradictions. Marriage is two individuals, yet unity. It is full of great joy, yet pain. It is a place a safety and love and yet when we are in pain we often wound the ones we love the most. We want to be seen and known and yet we do not because that vulnerability is terrifying. There are myriads of books on this topic and yet they barely seem to scratch the surface of this mysterious bond.
I have a deep passion for this work because I see how much heartache was apparent in the books that I've read and now in the couples in my office. They feel in over their heads and yet this longing for connection with another human being remains. To know someone on a deep level and to be known ourselves. We want to be treasured and to be the apple of someone else's eye, and yet when the realities of life and marriage collide, so many couples find themselves disillusioned. This isn't what they signed up for.
The average couple waits 6 years after things "start getting bad" before they seek help from the outside (OYF Communications [podcast], 2019)
While couples work is seen by many as difficult (which it is) and sticky (which it is), when the couple shows up in my office and has two different ideas of what's going on, two opinions, two life stories... there is a lot to digest with that, and yet I see the way God's made us play out. The interplay between them weaves together their innate longing for connection with each other and yet wanting to be seen in their individuality as well. I believe this is congruent with Scripture. The Bible talks about how we are all made as individuals, and yet, if we are disconnected from Him or the body we are incomplete. We want to be attached and connected to each other and yet losing oneself entirely in the other doesn't lead to the fullest functioning of self or relationship. It is a blend of dependence and independence. Connection and freedom. The mystery continues.
I'm currently in training in a relationship therapy called Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT). At its root, in my study and my work with clients, there is a desire for safety and security with our significant other that is foundational to how we function in the rest of life. When we feel that we have a safe landing space in our relationship, it allows us to go out and feel free to take risks and explore the world...knowing that even if everything falls to pieces, there is safety at the home base. Feeling deeply connected, intimately known and a safe place of belonging in all our goodness and flaws is foundational in the couple's relationship to be able to more fully engage in life outside of the relationship. Knowing that we can be vulnerable, express our deepest fears and tears, empowers us to be able to feel safer in the world as a whole.
Couples come in often expressing anger, frustrations, criticism, feelings of being attacked and the like. The feelings of safety with the one we love in our deepest places has somehow been violated. As I work with couples to explore what goes on beneath the anger and frustration to deeper places of feeling hurt, sad, rejected, unwanted, etc. and they have new interactions together in my office, it is some of the most powerful things I have ever experienced in my life. When the guard comes down as they open up to me, and I pass the buck to the partner to be the felt place of safety, there are the special moments of the guard coming down and reaching for each other when they "feel like they're falling" and being caught by the other that is such a demonstration of the Gospel. What starts out with everyone being on guard, the drilling down that happens with EFT, it moves from those emotions that feel like they can defend themselves (anger, criticism, withdrawing) to these softer emotions of pain and fear and then finally to the deepest fears of being left/disconnected and feeling like one isn't enough in general...and the couple catches each other as the partner feels like they're falling is absolutely amazing to witness. When they see each other in their most vulnerable spaces and they realize they are not adversaries, but rather two people scared to death, there is this "moving toward" each other that happens. When the couple puts in the the work together and on their own to put down the guns and to seek to understand oneself and the other, when the partner can see the other be able to hold and handle their sadness, shame and fear and reach for them, rather than run or fight, that is where healing can begin.
Example: I once saw a conversation about a missed nail appointment turn into "I'm so afraid I'm not worth his time"...and the look of shock and eventual tears from an otherwise stoic husband who had no idea that was what was going through her mind...they turned into an embrace between them full of tears for almost a full minute. I saw the question of "If I fall, will you catch me?" be answered with a resounding "YES!" in that moment. There was still a lot of work to do, but this was an amazing moment on only their third session together.
Why am I passionate? THIS IS THE GOSPEL. The God of the universe who clothed a shamed Adam and Eve, when they fell...he caught them. With the entrance of sin into the world and all of the falling short that happens and yet the Lord says, "I'm here and I love you." We were intended by our creator to be "naked and unashamed"...we can be all of who we are and embrace it in our relationship with him. These marriages are designed by God to be small echoes of that Gospel. These marriages were meant to be the things the children see and learn more about who God is and how even a broken world can find its wholeness in him. No, it is not always pretty and far from perfect, but the safety and security we find in our relationship with our Creator...we get a small glimpse of it in marriage in a very unique way. It is the foundation of family and therefore society. It is worth investing in. No government or laws can replace it. It is a unique and invaluable union that has the possibility of projecting His Truth into the world.
And that is why I'm here. I love this gritty and non-linear work. As a couple draws closer together, the people and world around them takes notice of this small reflection of His love for us. And that is worth investing in.
Side note: This is simply reflections on why I do this work. There are some marriages that are NOT safe and other outlets need to be explored. Not every couple and situation is safe and should be stayed in. Please seek your own counsel and do your work with a professional like me, if need be to explore the possibilities for your personal relationship.
Monday, January 13, 2020
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Moving Out of State: The Social Circle Struggle is REAL
Today, I surrendered my drivers license for WI. I've felt disillusioned since doing so...see, I'm in no man's land. We aren't within driving distance of our friends, rather the chasm of 15 hour drives looms large. The familiarity is gone. Handing over the license felt like handing over part of myself. I feel like the piece of paper that was handed to me today in lieu of receiving a new license. I don't have license from WI and I haven't received a new official license from TX. I'm somewhere in the murky middle. That's an appropriate picture of our lives in transition.
We knew uprooting would be a challenge. Even though we were certain of our call, it doesn't make the transition easier. Two and a half months ago, we packed up all of our things from the only place my husband and I had lived together and where our kids had grown up. We had friends, we had a church, we knew where things were...we had doctors, chiropractors, people we trusted to fix cars or knew who to call when certain life things happen. And just like that, it's gone.
We felt the duress of not knowing our way around and not having friends to invite over first. We took wrong ways, got charged for tolls and fines once we got on roads we couldn't get off of. We tried different grocery stores and just had to take drives around to look around. When it was only our family unit, with not much in terms of friends for them or for us, we've felt it. Our home is the only place that feels truly stable in our world to me. We missed the people we had a history with, who knew our stories and had seen us through so much. We have had to traverse the roads of finding new "go to places" for things, but those are the logistics that feel manageable to me...
It's the lack of the social circle that I once had that at times feels crushing.
It's this haunting feeling still for me that...no one knows me. I get scared that I'm making wrong impressions because I'm fearing my insecurities are oozing out. To be honest, I don't feel much like myself. I feel like I'm unpleasant to be around much more often than I used to for those I live with. I had friends to vent to, ways to get out and not have to lean SO heavily on solely people at home. ,I miss the people I could reach out to who knew that sometimes when I'm stressed I talk way too much or sometimes I might clam up and just do what's asked...not because I'm okay but because I'm not. There's no one here who can look at me and say, "You alright? You don't look like yourself or are acting like yourself?" The sting of that feeling that no one knows me to know the difference returns. While I've always been social and have no trouble making acquaintances (my husband jokes that I could swing a cat in any direction and hit a friend), however, I don't feel that way here. It's strange to not feel connected and not feel known. I wish I had friends I could ask to coffee or something, I just...I don't know...I feel lost. It's painful.
My friends from back home still love me, but their lives keep moving too...as does ours. I'm not their go-to person anymore now either, because I can't be. It's not being an hour or two away here, it's a whole country that separates us. So, I don't fit there...and wrestle with that I don't fit here either.
I know it won't last forever. Eventually I will make friends and years from now, we will have a history. It's hard right now, holding a paper copy of what will be an official license in TX eventually. I feel that paper represents how life is right now. I'm not back in WI and yet I'm not official here. It will take time, I know. Eventually the proverbial "official license" will come. As for now, I have to accept that I feel very much like a temporary license, and holding on to Jesus as I walk the road here he has asked us to walk...someday, I will feel more "official" here. But today is not that day. Thanks for listening.
We knew uprooting would be a challenge. Even though we were certain of our call, it doesn't make the transition easier. Two and a half months ago, we packed up all of our things from the only place my husband and I had lived together and where our kids had grown up. We had friends, we had a church, we knew where things were...we had doctors, chiropractors, people we trusted to fix cars or knew who to call when certain life things happen. And just like that, it's gone.
We felt the duress of not knowing our way around and not having friends to invite over first. We took wrong ways, got charged for tolls and fines once we got on roads we couldn't get off of. We tried different grocery stores and just had to take drives around to look around. When it was only our family unit, with not much in terms of friends for them or for us, we've felt it. Our home is the only place that feels truly stable in our world to me. We missed the people we had a history with, who knew our stories and had seen us through so much. We have had to traverse the roads of finding new "go to places" for things, but those are the logistics that feel manageable to me...
It's the lack of the social circle that I once had that at times feels crushing.
It's this haunting feeling still for me that...no one knows me. I get scared that I'm making wrong impressions because I'm fearing my insecurities are oozing out. To be honest, I don't feel much like myself. I feel like I'm unpleasant to be around much more often than I used to for those I live with. I had friends to vent to, ways to get out and not have to lean SO heavily on solely people at home. ,I miss the people I could reach out to who knew that sometimes when I'm stressed I talk way too much or sometimes I might clam up and just do what's asked...not because I'm okay but because I'm not. There's no one here who can look at me and say, "You alright? You don't look like yourself or are acting like yourself?" The sting of that feeling that no one knows me to know the difference returns. While I've always been social and have no trouble making acquaintances (my husband jokes that I could swing a cat in any direction and hit a friend), however, I don't feel that way here. It's strange to not feel connected and not feel known. I wish I had friends I could ask to coffee or something, I just...I don't know...I feel lost. It's painful.
My friends from back home still love me, but their lives keep moving too...as does ours. I'm not their go-to person anymore now either, because I can't be. It's not being an hour or two away here, it's a whole country that separates us. So, I don't fit there...and wrestle with that I don't fit here either.
I know it won't last forever. Eventually I will make friends and years from now, we will have a history. It's hard right now, holding a paper copy of what will be an official license in TX eventually. I feel that paper represents how life is right now. I'm not back in WI and yet I'm not official here. It will take time, I know. Eventually the proverbial "official license" will come. As for now, I have to accept that I feel very much like a temporary license, and holding on to Jesus as I walk the road here he has asked us to walk...someday, I will feel more "official" here. But today is not that day. Thanks for listening.
Friday, September 20, 2019
A Life in Transition: Babies, Masters Degrees and Cross-Country Moves
If you have had the question, "Did Hannah move?" come across your mind in the last 6 weeks, you are not alone. Yes, my family and I moved to Fort Worth, TX in early August.
Didn't you just have a baby? Yup, July 17.
Did you still have to finish school this summer? Yes! Graduated August 16 and just got my diploma in the mail!
Sooooo...You decided to have a baby, pack up and sell a home, pack a moving van and move 15 hours away BEFORE your classes ended in mid-August and start a new job in September? Uh, why? Because it seems to have been orchestrated that way. People have called me "brave" which could be true, although I think there are some people who use "brave" as a euphemism for "crazy," and I don't blame them one bit.
The truth is, it has been a crazy time. In fact, everything happened so quick that we hardly got to tell people we were leaving at all. I would argue if there were a facebook group for, "I am annoyed and upset that the Taylors didn't tell us they were leaving," the membership would be larger than we'd like. What has been required of us in time, energy and focus has been unprecedented in our lives up unto this point, and we were clumsy with our communication in the face of it. We did not communicate well, and for that, I am deeply saddened. So, I wanted to reach out to give you a brief version of the story.
I found out I was pregnant back in November. I was angry, overwhelmed and stressed beyond most points in my life. I have already been very raw about this journey in a previous post about Elephant Blessings. Part of that blog also lets you know that I DID NOT back away from my trip to India, even in the face a pregnancy. I was 5 months pregnant when I went on that trip and it was life-changing in more ways than one. It turns out I developed friendship with a young woman on the trip and she reached out to some connections she had as she knew I was looking for work after graduation in August.
It turned out that the connection she had in Fort Worth not only proved out to be a valuable one, it was a beautiful fit for who I am and it turns out they think I am a good fit for their organization as well.
After rigorous interviews, the job was offered, and Jason supported me taking the job without hesitation, knowing how deeply called I felt to this particular job from the very first interview. So, we put our house on the market and moved across the country in a matter of about 8 weeks. I was also finishing up my school and internship while coming down to the end of pregnancy during that time. Needless to say, my life was nuts and I hardly reached out to friends at all because I lacked both time and energy. I was very isolated out of necessity during that time. It does sadden me that I was not able to be more focused on good communication with others at that time, but it did make me grateful for the people around me who showed so much grace when we weren't able to sit down with those closest to us one-on-one to be able to describe the circumstances. However, we have seen God's faithfulness as one step after another was seeing so much of his provision and kindness toward us.
People have been wondering how we are doing: We are...adjusting. Life hit a fever pitch of stress for all of the month of August. We did get the girls into school, as they started August 19. They have connected in their classrooms and we are grateful. Our 4-year-old has always been our fierce one, and so she's showing some stress in the adjustment to being here, but we are working on being communicative parents with her and we are praying for grace in the process. Jason has been doing work on his business "Golden Legacy CBD" from home and seeking God's guidance about the future. I've started work and have loved the staff as much as I thought I would. I'm still very new, so every day feels a little like drinking from a firehose, but it will get better. We have found a church home last week, which was absolutely crucial as loneliness was setting in big time for Jason and I being at home a lot of the time. We had so many great friendship that took years to build back in Wisconsin, and now we are keeping contact but knowing we need to build a community around us where we live. So, finding a church home (and a small group!) last week will be helpful for us.
To be honest, while there is a sense of adventure in moving somewhere new, it has been hard in a lot of ways. Adjustment, loneliness, the realities of newborn life, finding new grocery stores or doctors, getting lost because you don't know where you're going (and ending up on toll roads inadvertently!) are all parts of being somewhere new...and not just new, but GINORMOUS compared to where we came from (moved form an are of about 1 million to a metroplex of 7.5 million)...it's all been a challenge and some days are really hard still. But, slowly...sometimes very slowly...things are coming together. At some point we will have real routine and structure, at some point we will have good friends here, and we will know where to go for things. That day is not today. But I trust the God who brought us here to provide the things we need because we know in our hearts that God has carried us through the toughest roads of our individual and corporate lives as Taylors, and he will continue his past faithfulness now and in the future.
Didn't you just have a baby? Yup, July 17.
Did you still have to finish school this summer? Yes! Graduated August 16 and just got my diploma in the mail!
Sooooo...You decided to have a baby, pack up and sell a home, pack a moving van and move 15 hours away BEFORE your classes ended in mid-August and start a new job in September? Uh, why? Because it seems to have been orchestrated that way. People have called me "brave" which could be true, although I think there are some people who use "brave" as a euphemism for "crazy," and I don't blame them one bit.
The truth is, it has been a crazy time. In fact, everything happened so quick that we hardly got to tell people we were leaving at all. I would argue if there were a facebook group for, "I am annoyed and upset that the Taylors didn't tell us they were leaving," the membership would be larger than we'd like. What has been required of us in time, energy and focus has been unprecedented in our lives up unto this point, and we were clumsy with our communication in the face of it. We did not communicate well, and for that, I am deeply saddened. So, I wanted to reach out to give you a brief version of the story.
I found out I was pregnant back in November. I was angry, overwhelmed and stressed beyond most points in my life. I have already been very raw about this journey in a previous post about Elephant Blessings. Part of that blog also lets you know that I DID NOT back away from my trip to India, even in the face a pregnancy. I was 5 months pregnant when I went on that trip and it was life-changing in more ways than one. It turns out I developed friendship with a young woman on the trip and she reached out to some connections she had as she knew I was looking for work after graduation in August.
It turned out that the connection she had in Fort Worth not only proved out to be a valuable one, it was a beautiful fit for who I am and it turns out they think I am a good fit for their organization as well.
After rigorous interviews, the job was offered, and Jason supported me taking the job without hesitation, knowing how deeply called I felt to this particular job from the very first interview. So, we put our house on the market and moved across the country in a matter of about 8 weeks. I was also finishing up my school and internship while coming down to the end of pregnancy during that time. Needless to say, my life was nuts and I hardly reached out to friends at all because I lacked both time and energy. I was very isolated out of necessity during that time. It does sadden me that I was not able to be more focused on good communication with others at that time, but it did make me grateful for the people around me who showed so much grace when we weren't able to sit down with those closest to us one-on-one to be able to describe the circumstances. However, we have seen God's faithfulness as one step after another was seeing so much of his provision and kindness toward us.
People have been wondering how we are doing: We are...adjusting. Life hit a fever pitch of stress for all of the month of August. We did get the girls into school, as they started August 19. They have connected in their classrooms and we are grateful. Our 4-year-old has always been our fierce one, and so she's showing some stress in the adjustment to being here, but we are working on being communicative parents with her and we are praying for grace in the process. Jason has been doing work on his business "Golden Legacy CBD" from home and seeking God's guidance about the future. I've started work and have loved the staff as much as I thought I would. I'm still very new, so every day feels a little like drinking from a firehose, but it will get better. We have found a church home last week, which was absolutely crucial as loneliness was setting in big time for Jason and I being at home a lot of the time. We had so many great friendship that took years to build back in Wisconsin, and now we are keeping contact but knowing we need to build a community around us where we live. So, finding a church home (and a small group!) last week will be helpful for us.
To be honest, while there is a sense of adventure in moving somewhere new, it has been hard in a lot of ways. Adjustment, loneliness, the realities of newborn life, finding new grocery stores or doctors, getting lost because you don't know where you're going (and ending up on toll roads inadvertently!) are all parts of being somewhere new...and not just new, but GINORMOUS compared to where we came from (moved form an are of about 1 million to a metroplex of 7.5 million)...it's all been a challenge and some days are really hard still. But, slowly...sometimes very slowly...things are coming together. At some point we will have real routine and structure, at some point we will have good friends here, and we will know where to go for things. That day is not today. But I trust the God who brought us here to provide the things we need because we know in our hearts that God has carried us through the toughest roads of our individual and corporate lives as Taylors, and he will continue his past faithfulness now and in the future.
Saturday, April 13, 2019
3rd Trimester Reflections: Elephant blessings and brokenness
This pregnancy has been earth-rattling for me. For those that don't know, I did not expect this pregnancy. At all. Let's start at the beginning....
I'd had a tough time for the last year and a half back in October. I'd experienced personal loss and the stress of a master's program on top of trying to make life balance with the reality of having a young family. I was struggling and in October, I finally put down the "everything is fine...everything will be okay" façade and let myself feel the sadness and stress instead of forcing the denial on myself. I was accepting of that I was in internship, doing school, doing life and just trying to make everything work, and letting myself admit how stressful it seemed was a freeing experience.
I was ready to just get back on track with my healthier balance in life...
3 weeks later was a positive pregnancy test...
BLAM! Just like that...the dreams and goals I'd had for myself were dealt a serious blow. See, in my mind, I was supposed to be able to finish up internship in the summer and go on to work. All my kids were going to be in school, which freed up my husband to go to school and also to be there for the girls before and after school. We were onto the next stage and I was thrilled...NOW THIS...
It was going to be diapers all over again, midnight feedings, babyproofing the house, car seats...but I'd just moved on from all this. Not only that, my husband and I have always wanted someone to be home with the kids until around age 3 before sending them to preschool. We wanted to love them and be consistent and give them a solid foundation for their really formative years (and studying attachment theory has made me even stronger in my own personal conviction on this). Now this...
I was supposed to be able to focus on school and internship...just learn and grow...not grow another human being in the process...Now this...
I was moving on from the itty bitty kid stage! I had dreams and goals! So did my husband! What the heck?!?! This just smothered any fire I had for what I'd perceived my future to be. I was done having kids...Now this...
I'd worked really hard for the last two years on getting healthy, and when my grandma passed and school got harder, I was struggling some again with staying focused. I was finally getting back on track and feeling more like myself again...now this...
Adding to my anxiety and distress, my pendulum would swing from this emotional side of me to my rational/reasonable side....I have many friends who have struggled with infertility....HOW DARE I BE UNGRATEFUL..."Children are a blessing from the Lord" "Quivers full of them"....I SHOULDN'T FEEL THIS LOATHING OF AN IMAGE BEARER...I've been entrusted with another life by God's design...HOW DARE I QUESTION GOD'S PLAN....My husband is thrilled and is really good with kids...WHY CAN'T I MUSTER WANTING THIS CHILD?....and so many more "reasons" I shouldn't feel as distressed and bitter as I did. I had the reasons...and they weren't untrue. They were true. So why didn't they help?
The more I focused on the emotion and grief of loss of my plans...the more I started to spiral into severe anxiety...the more I focused on the reasons I shouldn't feel the way I do and they were based on truth...the more bitter and resentful I became. The first 10 weeks were a complete pendulum swinging between wallowing in my anger and living in denial of it for all the "right reasons."
I was so anxious that I was literally making myself sick. My nausea and food aversion were through the roof. I would fluctuate between not wanting to eat and eating everything in sight. I was so angry, confused and overwhelmed that I couldn't hear neither "congratulations" NOR "well, was this on purpose? Don't you already have a lot of kids?..." I couldn't handle the reactions. I told no one outside of a couple of friends for just short of the first 3 months. I was furious and grieved. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be...
I finally got up the guts to tell my family at Christmas (12 weeks in) because I was finally to a minimal acceptance of the pregnancy. I could handle strange looks or congratulations. I just had to bite the bullet.
2nd trimester was less anger and frustration and more acceptance...the problem was when my fall semester ended for internship and school...I'd already been so frazzled that I wasn't helping my immuno-suppressed state that comes with pregnancy, and then when the adrenaline dropped off, my health tanked. I was sick with bronchitis, norovirus, then three sinus infections. I was sick and not able to engage in my schoolwork nor my clients as full-throttle as I'd wanted to. I fought hard to do the best I could and I finally get well for two weeks at the end of February...
Then, I have a trip to India that I'd signed up for back in the summer. Yes, I've had people question my sanity in doing this. However, it was a tremendous trip training the staff of a human trafficking organization about how trauma affects their clients and ways they can care for themselves...I also got hours for my internship which meant that I would be able to finish in the summer before the baby came. It was an amazing trip...and the unfortunate part was I caught ANOTHER sinus infection somewhere in the travels and went through almost the who trip sick again...
Little did I know, though, how much I would need that India trip. I didn't really realize that I was just surviving the pregnancy and life in general until I was having to process with the group there of my schoolmates and professor. As one of my friends pointed out, I was still referring to the baby as "this baby" or "that baby." This is distancing language that I did not even realize that I was using until this friend pointed it out. But then, God sends these people that I needed at just the right time, including the husband of my professor whose first wife had passed away several years ago, but that wife had found herself unexpectedly pregnant and I found that they had wrestled with things like I had...and for him, when his wife passed, it was caring for this youngest (the only one still in the home) that drove him to keep living...otherwise, he says he would have collapsed in grief. My eyes filled with tears as I realized I felt a kindred spirit with his wife and the struggles as he described them...his story was the beginning of a change in my trajectory and perspective.
Among many crucial people and thoughts that happened on that trip, there was a profound change that happened in me at the most unexpected place on the trip. We went on one of our final days for elephant rides. I didn't want to risk falling, so I didn't go. However, the one of the workers there asked if I would want to have an elephant blessing. Wanting to be polite, I agreed, having no idea what it was. Just as I approach the elephant, the man explains that they believe in India that elephants are God's messengers and that their blessings given to a mother and baby are profound. I was startled, and the pictures make it clear that I didn't know what to expect (as I appeared to be wincing in the photos)...but the top of the elephant's trunk touched my head and as I headed back to the group, I collapsed in sobs. Something changed in me, I knew I had to get up and let God fill me with joy and I had to stop striving to understand and control what was happening. I came back with a changed heart toward MY baby in a way that I couldn't explain what happened. I just knew it was going to be different. I came back in mid-March a changed mama.
I'm not saying that everything is perfect, there are still days in the last month where I grasp for understanding and control. But my anger, resentment and distance have been lifted. It's been replaced with peace, even though I don't understand this. It has taken me almost 7 months of pregnancy to get here...to even a hint of acceptance accompanied by any sense of joy at all...
But as I've shared my story, I've heard from multiple people who have gone through something similar to my experience. Unplanned pregnancies that demolished what dreams they have for themselves, the grief and the anger that they KNOW "isn't right." They shouldn't feel the way they do. But the more the suppress their feelings, they notice the worse the anger and anxiety get. They also know people who have struggled with miscarriages and infertility...and spent days lecturing themselves on why they have no right to experience what they're experiencing. Hearing my story, they would feel a profound sense of relief (and tears from some) who realized that someone else also experienced the pain of this distress and tension between the reality of their emotions and other things they know to be true. They empathize with my proverbial "pendulum" but never felt really free to express it.
If this has been your experience, I just want you to know that I know how you feel. I know what it is to be afraid of judgment of others and be grieved over what you thought "would be." I know what it is to run through the scenarios of baby screams in the night, of diaper changes and potty training AGAIN, and all the work that goes into babies and toddlers. Trust me, I do. There is no judgment from me toward you.
I know there are friends who will read this who have tremendous loss of pregnancies, of babies and of infertility. I'm SO sorry. I come alongside you in your struggles and welcome us to struggle together and to not be ashamed of the anger and bitterness, the questioning of God's plans, the death of dreams as we had them planned in our minds. I understand if you'd feel resentful toward me of how I've described my internal experience the physical that you wish you could have. That you would give anything to have your baby. I wish I could help heal broken hearts in this area. I don't understand why things happen the way they do, and I don't have answers...but I do have a hug and a listening ear if you ever need one.
While there may be some who judge me for my internal battle, I no longer mind it. I understand the shoulds and should nots that encompass what we should think or feel about children. Maybe at another point, I would have thought the same. But, you know, the most powerful experiences I had were with friends who would sit with me. They didn't judge me, they listened to all the reasons I didn't want the baby and the reasons I knew I should want the baby but just couldn't feel them.
They empathized with my distress and simply said they would pray for me. For those that have, thank you. Thank you for sitting with me, for loving me, for saying nothing when words would have done more harm than good, for understanding that I was struggling and overwhelmed and you just shared my load. I appreciate your love and prayers and the Lord has done his work and will continue to work on me as these days, months and years pass. You have helped me more than you will ever know. I'm grateful for my "village" and for a God who is so faithful to me, even when I was so faithless.
Here is to a God who is so loving that he will use any means necessary to redeem us in our brokenness...even Elephant Blessings half a world away.
I'd had a tough time for the last year and a half back in October. I'd experienced personal loss and the stress of a master's program on top of trying to make life balance with the reality of having a young family. I was struggling and in October, I finally put down the "everything is fine...everything will be okay" façade and let myself feel the sadness and stress instead of forcing the denial on myself. I was accepting of that I was in internship, doing school, doing life and just trying to make everything work, and letting myself admit how stressful it seemed was a freeing experience.
I was ready to just get back on track with my healthier balance in life...
3 weeks later was a positive pregnancy test...
BLAM! Just like that...the dreams and goals I'd had for myself were dealt a serious blow. See, in my mind, I was supposed to be able to finish up internship in the summer and go on to work. All my kids were going to be in school, which freed up my husband to go to school and also to be there for the girls before and after school. We were onto the next stage and I was thrilled...NOW THIS...
It was going to be diapers all over again, midnight feedings, babyproofing the house, car seats...but I'd just moved on from all this. Not only that, my husband and I have always wanted someone to be home with the kids until around age 3 before sending them to preschool. We wanted to love them and be consistent and give them a solid foundation for their really formative years (and studying attachment theory has made me even stronger in my own personal conviction on this). Now this...
I was supposed to be able to focus on school and internship...just learn and grow...not grow another human being in the process...Now this...
I was moving on from the itty bitty kid stage! I had dreams and goals! So did my husband! What the heck?!?! This just smothered any fire I had for what I'd perceived my future to be. I was done having kids...Now this...
I'd worked really hard for the last two years on getting healthy, and when my grandma passed and school got harder, I was struggling some again with staying focused. I was finally getting back on track and feeling more like myself again...now this...
Adding to my anxiety and distress, my pendulum would swing from this emotional side of me to my rational/reasonable side....I have many friends who have struggled with infertility....HOW DARE I BE UNGRATEFUL..."Children are a blessing from the Lord" "Quivers full of them"....I SHOULDN'T FEEL THIS LOATHING OF AN IMAGE BEARER...I've been entrusted with another life by God's design...HOW DARE I QUESTION GOD'S PLAN....My husband is thrilled and is really good with kids...WHY CAN'T I MUSTER WANTING THIS CHILD?....and so many more "reasons" I shouldn't feel as distressed and bitter as I did. I had the reasons...and they weren't untrue. They were true. So why didn't they help?
The more I focused on the emotion and grief of loss of my plans...the more I started to spiral into severe anxiety...the more I focused on the reasons I shouldn't feel the way I do and they were based on truth...the more bitter and resentful I became. The first 10 weeks were a complete pendulum swinging between wallowing in my anger and living in denial of it for all the "right reasons."
I was so anxious that I was literally making myself sick. My nausea and food aversion were through the roof. I would fluctuate between not wanting to eat and eating everything in sight. I was so angry, confused and overwhelmed that I couldn't hear neither "congratulations" NOR "well, was this on purpose? Don't you already have a lot of kids?..." I couldn't handle the reactions. I told no one outside of a couple of friends for just short of the first 3 months. I was furious and grieved. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be...
I finally got up the guts to tell my family at Christmas (12 weeks in) because I was finally to a minimal acceptance of the pregnancy. I could handle strange looks or congratulations. I just had to bite the bullet.
2nd trimester was less anger and frustration and more acceptance...the problem was when my fall semester ended for internship and school...I'd already been so frazzled that I wasn't helping my immuno-suppressed state that comes with pregnancy, and then when the adrenaline dropped off, my health tanked. I was sick with bronchitis, norovirus, then three sinus infections. I was sick and not able to engage in my schoolwork nor my clients as full-throttle as I'd wanted to. I fought hard to do the best I could and I finally get well for two weeks at the end of February...
Then, I have a trip to India that I'd signed up for back in the summer. Yes, I've had people question my sanity in doing this. However, it was a tremendous trip training the staff of a human trafficking organization about how trauma affects their clients and ways they can care for themselves...I also got hours for my internship which meant that I would be able to finish in the summer before the baby came. It was an amazing trip...and the unfortunate part was I caught ANOTHER sinus infection somewhere in the travels and went through almost the who trip sick again...
Little did I know, though, how much I would need that India trip. I didn't really realize that I was just surviving the pregnancy and life in general until I was having to process with the group there of my schoolmates and professor. As one of my friends pointed out, I was still referring to the baby as "this baby" or "that baby." This is distancing language that I did not even realize that I was using until this friend pointed it out. But then, God sends these people that I needed at just the right time, including the husband of my professor whose first wife had passed away several years ago, but that wife had found herself unexpectedly pregnant and I found that they had wrestled with things like I had...and for him, when his wife passed, it was caring for this youngest (the only one still in the home) that drove him to keep living...otherwise, he says he would have collapsed in grief. My eyes filled with tears as I realized I felt a kindred spirit with his wife and the struggles as he described them...his story was the beginning of a change in my trajectory and perspective.
Among many crucial people and thoughts that happened on that trip, there was a profound change that happened in me at the most unexpected place on the trip. We went on one of our final days for elephant rides. I didn't want to risk falling, so I didn't go. However, the one of the workers there asked if I would want to have an elephant blessing. Wanting to be polite, I agreed, having no idea what it was. Just as I approach the elephant, the man explains that they believe in India that elephants are God's messengers and that their blessings given to a mother and baby are profound. I was startled, and the pictures make it clear that I didn't know what to expect (as I appeared to be wincing in the photos)...but the top of the elephant's trunk touched my head and as I headed back to the group, I collapsed in sobs. Something changed in me, I knew I had to get up and let God fill me with joy and I had to stop striving to understand and control what was happening. I came back with a changed heart toward MY baby in a way that I couldn't explain what happened. I just knew it was going to be different. I came back in mid-March a changed mama.
I'm not saying that everything is perfect, there are still days in the last month where I grasp for understanding and control. But my anger, resentment and distance have been lifted. It's been replaced with peace, even though I don't understand this. It has taken me almost 7 months of pregnancy to get here...to even a hint of acceptance accompanied by any sense of joy at all...
But as I've shared my story, I've heard from multiple people who have gone through something similar to my experience. Unplanned pregnancies that demolished what dreams they have for themselves, the grief and the anger that they KNOW "isn't right." They shouldn't feel the way they do. But the more the suppress their feelings, they notice the worse the anger and anxiety get. They also know people who have struggled with miscarriages and infertility...and spent days lecturing themselves on why they have no right to experience what they're experiencing. Hearing my story, they would feel a profound sense of relief (and tears from some) who realized that someone else also experienced the pain of this distress and tension between the reality of their emotions and other things they know to be true. They empathize with my proverbial "pendulum" but never felt really free to express it.
If this has been your experience, I just want you to know that I know how you feel. I know what it is to be afraid of judgment of others and be grieved over what you thought "would be." I know what it is to run through the scenarios of baby screams in the night, of diaper changes and potty training AGAIN, and all the work that goes into babies and toddlers. Trust me, I do. There is no judgment from me toward you.
I know there are friends who will read this who have tremendous loss of pregnancies, of babies and of infertility. I'm SO sorry. I come alongside you in your struggles and welcome us to struggle together and to not be ashamed of the anger and bitterness, the questioning of God's plans, the death of dreams as we had them planned in our minds. I understand if you'd feel resentful toward me of how I've described my internal experience the physical that you wish you could have. That you would give anything to have your baby. I wish I could help heal broken hearts in this area. I don't understand why things happen the way they do, and I don't have answers...but I do have a hug and a listening ear if you ever need one.
While there may be some who judge me for my internal battle, I no longer mind it. I understand the shoulds and should nots that encompass what we should think or feel about children. Maybe at another point, I would have thought the same. But, you know, the most powerful experiences I had were with friends who would sit with me. They didn't judge me, they listened to all the reasons I didn't want the baby and the reasons I knew I should want the baby but just couldn't feel them.
They empathized with my distress and simply said they would pray for me. For those that have, thank you. Thank you for sitting with me, for loving me, for saying nothing when words would have done more harm than good, for understanding that I was struggling and overwhelmed and you just shared my load. I appreciate your love and prayers and the Lord has done his work and will continue to work on me as these days, months and years pass. You have helped me more than you will ever know. I'm grateful for my "village" and for a God who is so faithful to me, even when I was so faithless.
Here is to a God who is so loving that he will use any means necessary to redeem us in our brokenness...even Elephant Blessings half a world away.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
Perfectionism and Emotional Eating as Coping with Shame
I was present at a training today in which I was deeply convicted about a few things and I needed an outlet to be able to process the wrestling within me.
Today I went to a training on Shame. I always appreciate gleaning wisdom from those more experienced than myself and was looking forward to the topic to help me help others. Little did I know how much this whole topic would affect me.
While guilt says what I did was wrong, shame says I am what is wrong. My life has been wrought with shame at times. Now, just to be clear, we would never want to get rid of all shame, because people without shame as a deterrent are what we call either psychotic or a sociopath. However, I feel like a lot of my life has been characterized by shame. I have wondered if I was enough, or if I was loved outside of how I behaved. Maybe, if I'd done enough wrong things people wouldn't love me. So I have strived for a lot of my life to be what others have needed me to be, on top of holding myself to incredibly high standards. It has kept me from taking risks because I feared failure deep in my soul. What if I wasn't enough? What if I didn't get it? What if I failed? I am not sufficient for this task.
I remember a lot of these internal messages for a lot of my life. I, therefore, have not risked a lot throughout my life unless I was confident I could handle whatever would come my way. One example of a way I did risk was I traveled a lot and learned other languages because I thought it was fun and I could do it. In fact, I always kinda joked I liked getting lost in new cities because I knew I would find my way back to where I need to be eventually. I had confidence that I was capable of handling whatever came in these new places, so it didn't bother me.
But it was common in my life for most of what I did to be a calculated risk because I needed to believe I was enough to face the challenges that may come. I used to write this off to a lack of self-confidence, but after the talk today, I think it may be much deeper than that.
Shame is the deeply-seated fear of disconnection (Brown, 2012). We were made for connection with other humans, this is both biblical and practical wisdom. We know from studies of Scripture and neurobiological research that our brains and bodies were made for connection with others. When connection is lacking, when we feel lost and alone, we reach out for connection. This can be to self, other, truth or person of God.
The thing about having REAL and LASTING connection is that you have to make yourself able to be seen. This is called, vulnerability, and it is not easy and often is avoided. See this link for Brene Brown's short TED talk on this subject, it could be very impactful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
When we sense or fear a loss of connection, shame comes on quickly. You can see this in a small child who reaches their hands up to an adult and being told verbally or nonverbally "no," they hang their head and lose all facial expression. This happens for adults as well in relationship with others, it just isn't physically seen most of the time (like reaching out physically, it's often nonverbal or with words) When we reach for the other and perceive they are not there or are unresponsive, a sense of shame will swoop in quickly.
Shame is highly correlated with all sorts of human struggles. The ones that weigh on me today are my tendencies toward perfectionism as well as my emotional eating. I've known for a long time that I struggle with both of these. But today in training, Dr. Green talked about how perfectionism is actually reaching out for a connection. Once you connect with a goal, you move to the next highest goal because there is a felt need to "strive" toward connection, once the goal is completed, the fear of not connecting again means that you move to the next goal to "connect" again. If you stop striving, you fear that you stop connecting. And then, you have to get a bigger goal to give you the same "calming of the connection need" affect...you need a higher "high." This has been the story of so much of my life, and I have NEVER seen it as a fear of losing connection. But honestly, it feels like I know it's true, in my heart of hearts. While I'm becoming educated in things like this for my line of work, this is new information for me and I'm realizing that I need movement from my head knowledge to my heart.
The other thing was, as soon as I felt the stress of dealing with the above named issue, I started to crave sugar, specifically the donuts on the table at this meeting. All of a sudden I realized, when I'm in fear, I'm reaching out for something to console me...WAIT...I'M REACHING FOR CONNECTION, AGAIN! It was like this huge light bulb, these two hang ups have been an attempt at establishing connection with something when I fear I am not enough, or the "worthiness factor" as Brene Brown (2012) puts it...
I am scared to death that I'm not worthy of love and that I have to either fight to get it (perfectionism) or I need to just "feel better" (emotional eating). I'm realizing that I reach out for these tangible things the more disconnected I feel from myself, other, truth or God.
This is potentially life changing for me. To realize that in the moments where I'm striving the hardest for the next goal or craving whatever food at whatever time, instead of asking "what's wrong with me?" I need to ask, "Why am I feeling so disconnected? What can I do? Who can I reach out to instead of that donut?"
I honestly don't know where to go or what to do next. But I feel like this may have opened up some huge areas for me to explore. I believe at this point, I'm going to work on figuring out a contingency plan for moments where I feel almost obsessive about goals or about food (maybe contacting my husband or a friend via text, etc.), knowing now that reestablishing connection could very much help in these moments.
At any rate, this is me. This is vulnerability. I may appear strong on the outside, but I need to learn that it's okay to not be okay and surround myself with people who are also okay with me not being okay. For now, this is what I know and I'm praying I can start making changes.
Today I went to a training on Shame. I always appreciate gleaning wisdom from those more experienced than myself and was looking forward to the topic to help me help others. Little did I know how much this whole topic would affect me.
While guilt says what I did was wrong, shame says I am what is wrong. My life has been wrought with shame at times. Now, just to be clear, we would never want to get rid of all shame, because people without shame as a deterrent are what we call either psychotic or a sociopath. However, I feel like a lot of my life has been characterized by shame. I have wondered if I was enough, or if I was loved outside of how I behaved. Maybe, if I'd done enough wrong things people wouldn't love me. So I have strived for a lot of my life to be what others have needed me to be, on top of holding myself to incredibly high standards. It has kept me from taking risks because I feared failure deep in my soul. What if I wasn't enough? What if I didn't get it? What if I failed? I am not sufficient for this task.
I remember a lot of these internal messages for a lot of my life. I, therefore, have not risked a lot throughout my life unless I was confident I could handle whatever would come my way. One example of a way I did risk was I traveled a lot and learned other languages because I thought it was fun and I could do it. In fact, I always kinda joked I liked getting lost in new cities because I knew I would find my way back to where I need to be eventually. I had confidence that I was capable of handling whatever came in these new places, so it didn't bother me.
But it was common in my life for most of what I did to be a calculated risk because I needed to believe I was enough to face the challenges that may come. I used to write this off to a lack of self-confidence, but after the talk today, I think it may be much deeper than that.
Shame is the deeply-seated fear of disconnection (Brown, 2012). We were made for connection with other humans, this is both biblical and practical wisdom. We know from studies of Scripture and neurobiological research that our brains and bodies were made for connection with others. When connection is lacking, when we feel lost and alone, we reach out for connection. This can be to self, other, truth or person of God.
The thing about having REAL and LASTING connection is that you have to make yourself able to be seen. This is called, vulnerability, and it is not easy and often is avoided. See this link for Brene Brown's short TED talk on this subject, it could be very impactful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
When we sense or fear a loss of connection, shame comes on quickly. You can see this in a small child who reaches their hands up to an adult and being told verbally or nonverbally "no," they hang their head and lose all facial expression. This happens for adults as well in relationship with others, it just isn't physically seen most of the time (like reaching out physically, it's often nonverbal or with words) When we reach for the other and perceive they are not there or are unresponsive, a sense of shame will swoop in quickly.
Shame is highly correlated with all sorts of human struggles. The ones that weigh on me today are my tendencies toward perfectionism as well as my emotional eating. I've known for a long time that I struggle with both of these. But today in training, Dr. Green talked about how perfectionism is actually reaching out for a connection. Once you connect with a goal, you move to the next highest goal because there is a felt need to "strive" toward connection, once the goal is completed, the fear of not connecting again means that you move to the next goal to "connect" again. If you stop striving, you fear that you stop connecting. And then, you have to get a bigger goal to give you the same "calming of the connection need" affect...you need a higher "high." This has been the story of so much of my life, and I have NEVER seen it as a fear of losing connection. But honestly, it feels like I know it's true, in my heart of hearts. While I'm becoming educated in things like this for my line of work, this is new information for me and I'm realizing that I need movement from my head knowledge to my heart.
The other thing was, as soon as I felt the stress of dealing with the above named issue, I started to crave sugar, specifically the donuts on the table at this meeting. All of a sudden I realized, when I'm in fear, I'm reaching out for something to console me...WAIT...I'M REACHING FOR CONNECTION, AGAIN! It was like this huge light bulb, these two hang ups have been an attempt at establishing connection with something when I fear I am not enough, or the "worthiness factor" as Brene Brown (2012) puts it...
I am scared to death that I'm not worthy of love and that I have to either fight to get it (perfectionism) or I need to just "feel better" (emotional eating). I'm realizing that I reach out for these tangible things the more disconnected I feel from myself, other, truth or God.
This is potentially life changing for me. To realize that in the moments where I'm striving the hardest for the next goal or craving whatever food at whatever time, instead of asking "what's wrong with me?" I need to ask, "Why am I feeling so disconnected? What can I do? Who can I reach out to instead of that donut?"
I honestly don't know where to go or what to do next. But I feel like this may have opened up some huge areas for me to explore. I believe at this point, I'm going to work on figuring out a contingency plan for moments where I feel almost obsessive about goals or about food (maybe contacting my husband or a friend via text, etc.), knowing now that reestablishing connection could very much help in these moments.
At any rate, this is me. This is vulnerability. I may appear strong on the outside, but I need to learn that it's okay to not be okay and surround myself with people who are also okay with me not being okay. For now, this is what I know and I'm praying I can start making changes.
Friday, October 26, 2018
Allowing the Self to Admit Struggles Out Loud (Self-Compassion)
As long as I can remember, I have focused on being a strong person for others. This came through as downplaying my own wants or needs in the face of others "needing me." I've always had an affinity for service-of-others related professions. My natural proclivities of wanting to love and help others have gone hand-in-hand with my choices in my work life. I've taught, managed a Christian bookstore making sure others can get the resources and encouragement they need, among other service-related jobs and now I am in a Master's program for Marriage & Family Therapist.
But, see, here's my hang up...I don't like admitting I need or want anything. I'm hardly aware that I want or need things very often because I view the world through what others need. Most of the time, like in the case of what happened with our daughter's injury almost 4 years ago, I can ask for help when I get desperate and see no other way out. I'm so used to being the "strong" one that I think I am basically the energizer bunny. I can just keep going! If anyone questions my ability to complete what I set out to do, I dig my heals in and insist I can do it. I'm very resistant to wrestling with weaknesses or overextending myself, my time or my abilities.
In other words, I struggle with pride. Something fierce.
I started my practicum this fall and was so excited for the experience. I admitted that I had a tough summer in a very general sense, but I just figured it was "upward and onward" as I normally think. The problem was, that practicum plus my girls being in school and switching schedules plus still having class meant that I was REALLY struggling balancing it all. I wouldn't admit it though...
Thank God for a good supervisor in my practicum. I was starting to forget things and be late for events. This was not good.
What I term my "bandwidth" had been exceeded and I was moving at a 2G pace trying to keep up with what was necessary for life.
It showed up professionally for me, to my absolute heartbreak at the time. My supervisor noticed I was becoming really "scattered" after having such glowing recommendations from those who know me. She was concerned there was something wrong outside of the professional environment because these types of behaviors did not seem typical of what others knew of me. For someone who delights in being able to keep up with everything thrown at her, I was crushed and sobbing in my supervisor's office. She was compassionate and yet pushed me toward action to change to take care of myself because I "clearly lack giving [myself] any margin for taking care of myself." (I have a LONG history of a lack of self-care, but that's for a different post!)
I went from there determined to do better, and I have set up a schedule to do better at taking care of myself (part of which is taking off Fridays and doing things like blogging!). However, it was not enough to move forward....
This past weekend I was challenged to look back too.
See, I thought I was good. I was moving forward, getting organized and taking more care of myself. But I was out to coffee with a friend explaining how upset I was that I had gained weight and experience a lot of shame for it (the weight is NOT the issue I'm discussing in the post, it is a symptom of what I learned is a greater problem). She asked me when I last felt really good and sure of where I was as a person. I told her it was summer of 2017. I felt happy and healthy...then she asked what happened after that summer...
I had to think for a little bit, and I said, well...I started full-time school that fall instead of part time...I lost my dear grandma suddenly in January...between February and April I got back on track...only to get a concussion in May that took me away from CrossFit (part of my self-care process) for 2 months trying to let my brain recover...only to have my full-time schoolwork add up so that when I was cleared to return to the gym, I was then clobbered with 3 classes worth of work...I finished the work only to start my Practicum experience alongside big changes in my family's schedule with the girls going to school...plus I took my National Exam for counseling in mid-September...and I just have general stressors of my young family life to accompany on that. HOLY COW. I hadn't put all the pieces together. My friend looked at me and basically said my stress level had been so high for almost a year, which is also when my weight gain happened...
I felt my heart sink in me. I had not allowed myself to look back and show myself any grace at all. I just couldn't figure out why I couldn't feel energized moving forward. I had a schedule in place and things "should be working" in my mind. But I felt tired and like I was trying to keep my head above water.
So, I don't have any answers right now. But I am giving myself a chance to look back and say, "You know, you've had a tough year...and that's okay." I'm working on self-compassion, not self-pity. I realized that if someone would have walked into my counseling office with my story of the past year, my response would have been, "Wow, what a challenging year! No wonder you're struggling." I'm trying now to better at saying that to myself. I don't dwell on it and turn it into pity, but rather, that when I hear the really negative voices in my head, instead of handing myself a list of "shoulds," I'm now trying to say, "That must be tough. You're having a hard time. But you'll work through it." I'm hoping this experience in my practicum and with my friends help shape a better future for me in relationship to myself. I'm working on it.
But, see, here's my hang up...I don't like admitting I need or want anything. I'm hardly aware that I want or need things very often because I view the world through what others need. Most of the time, like in the case of what happened with our daughter's injury almost 4 years ago, I can ask for help when I get desperate and see no other way out. I'm so used to being the "strong" one that I think I am basically the energizer bunny. I can just keep going! If anyone questions my ability to complete what I set out to do, I dig my heals in and insist I can do it. I'm very resistant to wrestling with weaknesses or overextending myself, my time or my abilities.
In other words, I struggle with pride. Something fierce.
I started my practicum this fall and was so excited for the experience. I admitted that I had a tough summer in a very general sense, but I just figured it was "upward and onward" as I normally think. The problem was, that practicum plus my girls being in school and switching schedules plus still having class meant that I was REALLY struggling balancing it all. I wouldn't admit it though...
Thank God for a good supervisor in my practicum. I was starting to forget things and be late for events. This was not good.
What I term my "bandwidth" had been exceeded and I was moving at a 2G pace trying to keep up with what was necessary for life.
It showed up professionally for me, to my absolute heartbreak at the time. My supervisor noticed I was becoming really "scattered" after having such glowing recommendations from those who know me. She was concerned there was something wrong outside of the professional environment because these types of behaviors did not seem typical of what others knew of me. For someone who delights in being able to keep up with everything thrown at her, I was crushed and sobbing in my supervisor's office. She was compassionate and yet pushed me toward action to change to take care of myself because I "clearly lack giving [myself] any margin for taking care of myself." (I have a LONG history of a lack of self-care, but that's for a different post!)
I went from there determined to do better, and I have set up a schedule to do better at taking care of myself (part of which is taking off Fridays and doing things like blogging!). However, it was not enough to move forward....
This past weekend I was challenged to look back too.
See, I thought I was good. I was moving forward, getting organized and taking more care of myself. But I was out to coffee with a friend explaining how upset I was that I had gained weight and experience a lot of shame for it (the weight is NOT the issue I'm discussing in the post, it is a symptom of what I learned is a greater problem). She asked me when I last felt really good and sure of where I was as a person. I told her it was summer of 2017. I felt happy and healthy...then she asked what happened after that summer...
I had to think for a little bit, and I said, well...I started full-time school that fall instead of part time...I lost my dear grandma suddenly in January...between February and April I got back on track...only to get a concussion in May that took me away from CrossFit (part of my self-care process) for 2 months trying to let my brain recover...only to have my full-time schoolwork add up so that when I was cleared to return to the gym, I was then clobbered with 3 classes worth of work...I finished the work only to start my Practicum experience alongside big changes in my family's schedule with the girls going to school...plus I took my National Exam for counseling in mid-September...and I just have general stressors of my young family life to accompany on that. HOLY COW. I hadn't put all the pieces together. My friend looked at me and basically said my stress level had been so high for almost a year, which is also when my weight gain happened...
I felt my heart sink in me. I had not allowed myself to look back and show myself any grace at all. I just couldn't figure out why I couldn't feel energized moving forward. I had a schedule in place and things "should be working" in my mind. But I felt tired and like I was trying to keep my head above water.
So, I don't have any answers right now. But I am giving myself a chance to look back and say, "You know, you've had a tough year...and that's okay." I'm working on self-compassion, not self-pity. I realized that if someone would have walked into my counseling office with my story of the past year, my response would have been, "Wow, what a challenging year! No wonder you're struggling." I'm trying now to better at saying that to myself. I don't dwell on it and turn it into pity, but rather, that when I hear the really negative voices in my head, instead of handing myself a list of "shoulds," I'm now trying to say, "That must be tough. You're having a hard time. But you'll work through it." I'm hoping this experience in my practicum and with my friends help shape a better future for me in relationship to myself. I'm working on it.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
True Confessions: When Insecurity of Self Comes Out as Defensiveness
"My husband is extremely supportive of me the majority of the time...why do I get so sensitive when he suggests a change or criticizes something that does need improving?"
This week, I had to do a paper for one of my classes. I'd studied this theory before, but this was a much more in-depth study of a theory called Emotionally-Focused Therapy. It's a therapy that helps couples (particularly) delve into the strained emotional bond and create new bonds of warmth and security while in therapy together.
So, what has that got to do with my own insecurity? One of the principles of digging into the emotional bonds of couples is talking about emotions...then talking about the emotions BEHIND the presenting emotions. One of the "secondary" emotions is anger. Anger is often what comes out initially, but often behind this secondary emotion is a "primary" emotion. EFT proposes that fear is behind anger, particularly fear of abandonment by an important figure. The anger comes out in order to provoke the partner (perceived to be threatening to leave) to come back, even if they're fighting while doing it. At least the partner is still "there."
In the process of reading through a lot of the "accessing emotions" material for EFT, I thought through When am I the angriest? I realized that one of the times I am most visceral in my reactions is when I'm criticized in some way, and especially from my husband. I started to think about what fear may be behind my own anger. Am I afraid he'll leave? I realized how ironic it was for me to have such snippy and defensive reactions to small criticisms (or larger ones) from my sincere and respectful husband. While he's still flawed and selfish as any human is, he most often has my best interests at heart. So why am I so distrustful? Why do I shut down? I don't do things perfectly, so why would I not expect to get some pushback from someone who cares about me?...I started to seriously contemplate, is it something inside of me?
As I thought it through, I realized, as hard as it is...I don't believe that I'm enough. I'm afraid I'll never be enough. I'm afraid he's seeing that. I realized it wasn't his words that got me, it was fear that he is discovering what I already feared about myself...I'm inadequate. I'm insecure. I'm afraid I'm a fraud. So, when my defensiveness comes out at him, I'm actually lashing out against my own fear that PROJECT onto him.
This was a complete newsflash to me and I about cried on the spot.
I realized that my defensive reaction actually had little to nothing to do with my husband and so much, if not everything, to do with the fact that I already fear every day that I fall short. As hard as I work, as much as I do, I fear I'm insignificant. I fear I don't matter. I've helped people believe that I'm competent and sure of myself, and I'm scared to death that I know nothing and can do nothing. That is what I lash out at. If my husband suggests changing where we put things, I don't hear a suggestion, I hear, "Why on earth would you have put that there? There are such better ways. You are so stupid. I'll have to fix your incompetence." THAT voice in my head is what I get curt and rude with. When I get defensive, I feel like I stand up for myself and say, "Hey! That's not stupid! I thought through that! How dare you treat me like I'm the incompetent one?!"
A simple suggestion triggers my deepest insecurities.
And you know what? It makes me an unapproachable spouse. I get defensive with my tongue or cold in my body language...as if to say, "How dare you question me." My husband has to fear my unkind reactions for a simple suggestion in a change in placement of something in the house, asking where things are or if I got the "chance" to do something. Even reading that, it's absurd on it's face.
My long-held belief was that if I keep my insecurities to myself and don't let anyone else in on them, they wouldn't affect anyone else. I'm now learning that it is simply not true.
The truth is, as confident as I am on the outside, I'm full of fear on the inside. I'm afraid that if people really knew my weak points that they would walk away. I'm used to being seen as a strong person...I'm afraid that if people see my weaknesses for what they are, they will be disgusted with me and extremely disappointed. I'm afraid to let anyone see my flaws. While I have a lot of friends, I work extremely hard on how close I actually let people get to me so that I can control how much they know about me. I'm afraid that they will see past my confident outside and apparent strength, to see me for what I am...
I'm insecure. I'm scared. I'm terrified that if you knew how flawed I really am, you'll abandon me. Because I'm not as strong as I appear. I'm not as confident as I let you believe. I'm scared that if you see the real me, you'll consider me irrelevant. I'm afraid...a lot of the time. And I didn't really let myself feel it until the last few days. It's terrifying. (The technical name for this "imposter syndrome," if you'd like to look it up. I never thought this term would apply to me, but it does!)
I don't know where I'm going from here. I'm going to talk to my counselor about it next week (Yes, counselors see counselors themselves as part of self-care). But I know I have to take this seriously and address it. I wanted to share because I believe I'm not alone in this...and no, this insecurity will not affect just you. It will affect the quality of the relationships around you. I have to face my fear, and I hope you will, too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)