Reluctant Service

“Instinctively, we know how to serve ourselves and eliminate all else from distracting us in this pursuit.  We are NOT born servants.  Most of us (if not all of us) just naturally come into this world saying, ‘Serve me.’  We don’t naturally seek to serve others.  We are self-centered.  We’re completely immersed with our own needs from infancy.”-Michelle Anthony, “Spiritual Parenting”

I have been in a self-centered funk all week long.  After the passing of my sister-in-law, I’ve felt completely depleted.  I was aching to come back home and just feel somewhat normal.  I thought if I got back to my routine, I would feel better, restored and more like myself.  This did not happen.

This morning I woke up with Lincoln Brewster’s “Oxygen” stuck in my head for no particular reason.  “I need You more than oxygen…”  The lyrics went through my head as I showered.  As I was about to step out of the shower, I feel this tug on my heart… “Why don’t you clean the bathroom to serve your husband?”

I had been despondent for the entirety of this week.  I’d been very into myself, pulled out the “mom” card of responsibility, but once my husband came home, I had caved into myself.  Every.  Single. Day.  I had gotten short with him for no reason, in a way I hadn’t even been short with my kids.  I didn’t even really know why.  I think I'd just felt the weight of everything so much this past month, I was just aching to check out for a little bit.  I'd been very selfish with my attitude and thoughts and that came out with being snippy and irritable with my sweet husband just trying to get his bearings after losing his sister.  He was much more gracious to me than I deserved, and it made me thankful for the Jesus residing in and through him.

But now I'd been called in my heart this morning and I knew it.  In my heart, I initially went back to my own selfish attitude of the week... "But Saturdays are MY mornings.  It's my mom's morning.  It's my break from the kids and regular life!"  But I knew better.  I knew what I had to do.  So I got out of the shower and onto work.  I cleaned everything I could for almost half an hour.  Little did I know, my husband was awake and heard me bustling around.  I came out and he asked me, "What were you doing in there?"  "Just cleaning," I answered.  He turns to me and with all sincerity said, "Thank you.  I appreciate you."  My heart melted.  I'd been so self-absorbed, but this little bit of work made a difference for him. 

Why did I even think that turning inward and being selfish in my attitude would help me feel BETTER?  It makes no sense at all.  Then I remembered...Selfishness for me, and for all of us, is instinctual.  It actually goes AGAINST OUR NATURE to serve the way Christ has called us to.  Our inner nature fights any perspective outside of our own.  To get outside of our own self-interest actually takes WORK!  It takes the work of Christ to really be able to identify this selfishness within ourselves.  It is our responsibility to see outside of our own needs and desires and to pick up our cross daily and look at the world around us and say, "What needs to be done?  How can I serve?"  The cure to selfishness is not self-indulgence...it's self-denial.  Philippians 2:3-4 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should not look only to your own self-interests, but also to the interests of others." 

Man, are you serious, God?!  Really?!  When it comes down to it, my inner self wants to fight this verse with everything I've got.  My gut instinct tells me that I want to be important, I want to matter, I want to be seen, and if I'm not I will fight to be seen and acknowledged.  So if that means I don't think my husband sees my work, how about I make a smart remark about how much I do every day?  THEN, I'll get my work acknowledged.  If I don't think I'm appreciated in another area or with other people, how about I just slide a small comment about my exhaustion level, or my long list of things to do, or all that I've sacrificed for that person?  Maybe THEN I'll get a thank you.  If I serve you, you darn well better acknowledge it.

Even writing my own thoughts and selfishness makes me cringe inwardly.  The Holy Spirit pulls on the reins of my heart and brings tears to my eyes even now.  How selfish am I?  I even serve sometimes FOR THE RECOGNITION!  If I don't get recognized, my inner self says, "Well, it wasn't worth it was it?"  Unbelievable, the hold of self and sin is enormous.  Even after years of walking the Christian walk, the fight for my selfish heart is still vigorous.  The struggle is real.  Satan is relentless.  But the Hound of Heaven (C.S. Lewis) is even MORE so!  All praise be to Him!  He fights stronger, longer and harder than our enemy.

If I am to become more like Christ and lay down my life and myself for others in front of them, it starts at home.  It starts in the mundane of cleaning showers when I don't feel like it but I know my husband will be blessed.  It starts with feeding my (many times) ungrateful children (even though they're a blast and I love them to death!).  It starts with taking care of our home and our garden.  It starts with a change of heart, asking God to take the sin out of me...but that is, as Scripture tells us, a refining FIRE.  He has to burn away impurities in order to reveal the true beauty of the gold underneath.

In closing, it reminds me of an analogy from A.W. Tozer's "The Pursuit of God" book, that I will never forget.  He said that sin is not like a burr to pluck off of our clothing.  It's not something God just flicks off of us.  Rather sin is built into us.  It's part of our heart and soul.  To ask God to remove sin and selfishness isn't like removing a thorn in our flesh.  Rather, it's like a major surgery.  It's cutting something out of us that is actually part of us.  It's God going into us with a scalpel and removing part of our actual bodies.  It's painful.  Sometimes excruciatingly so. It takes time and sometimes multiple surgeries to remove our deep seeded issues.  By asking God to remove our sin, we are asking him to do surgery on our souls.  It is not pretty, nor is it easy.  But it is necessary to make us more like him.

We are in this tough journey together until we reach Home.  The work is never complete until we are There.  But in the meantime, I know that I will need many more trips to the Operating Room.  As painstaking as that is, it's also okay with the Spirit in me.  Lord, do what you must.  I trust you.