I was writing to my mom today as we are reading from a Mother/Daughter book together, and I was reflecting on what I was reading. I looked back over my life as a daughter, more as a girl/woman in general, and realized something I hadn't considered before.
See, people throughout my life have considered me, "The Golden Child." I've been called this in the past on several occasions. I wasn't ever really sure as to why. I definitely have my own struggles, and man, if you could see the thoughts in my heart sometimes, you'd truly be appalled and potentially question my faith. But I look back and I see God's grace throughout my life. Especially when it comes to my life circumstances.
I kid you not, the Lord has rescued me from myself on many occasions. I can give several examples. When I went to Spain for a semester in college, I wanted to party like most of my friends. I wanted to be able to just let loose. No one was looking anyway. Who would know? The thing was God looked at me and said, "This is not for you." I would LITERALLY get physically nauseous the couple of times I even tried to go out. One guy tried to get in my business and literally the Gospel in Spanish came pouring out of my mouth. WHAT THE WHAT?! The Lord rescued me from potentially poor choices there, and I'm still not sure why, but as an adult I'm grateful for His grace. Another example, I was interested in a guy once who was absolutely no good. But no matter what I did, he and I were never on the same page. He liked me during one period where I didn't feel that way, and then the roles would flip flop. It's crazy. I HAD to part ways with him eventually, and it turns out the Lord had given him a dream of the conversation the night before in the exact room where I ended up having the conversation where we parted ways. That's nuts. I have a plethora of these kinds of stories that I now look back on and am so grateful for God's divine intervention.
However, I've also been allowed to make very poor choices and judgment calls as well. I've been allowed to have trials...because of an unexplained incident with my daughter when she was a baby, we've had Child Protective Services, detectives and social workers in our home for 7 months straight while being supervised 24/7 with our kids because someone had to LIVE WITH US for several months! The aftermath of that was weight gain and stress galore in my house where plenty of mistakes were made. I was recently let go from my nursery job that I'd held for the last two years...I'd never been let go from a job in my life. We purchased our first home that was WAY out of our price range and it took us a year and a half to realize it. It therefore led to us losing the majority of our large down payment because of the price difference between that house and the one we bought after that we could've afforded and our down payment would have covered a lot of the home itself. I've been allowed to crash and burn on many occasions. I have a plethora of these stories too.
But you know what I realized as I was typing an email to my mom? I realized the Lord had always allowed me to make enough bad choices and to endure just enough trials to turn me back to Him. He would take just enough from me to keep me safe from things I didn't need to endure to turn my heart to Him. But he allowed just enough to bring me absolutely to my knees to acknowledge how weak I am in myself and how desperately I need Him. I've been given "just enough" to bring me back to the path He desires for me.
Why is my story the story God's chosen to work through? I'm not sure. I'll never have an answer as to why my path looks the way it does. But I rest in knowing that the God who has given me "just enough" to bring me back to Him will continue to do so. The trials He allows as well as the mistakes He grants me make will always bring me back to the Cross, the only true level playing field. The only place of true humility of spirit and unity with the Father. And while I wouldn't want to repeat any of my trials, I also would take back for a moment the intimacy with the Father I've gained in the process...and that's what I want to pass on to my girls. He know them even better than I do or than they know themselves. He knows what it will take to get their attention. It may not be on my timeline, but He knows how to turn them back toward Him in their hearts. I have to entrust their journey to Him. He will also allow them to experience "just enough" and then their responsibility is to respond. I must allow God to care for them as He has for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment