All of my life, I've struggled with my behavior being indicative of my worth. I remember having this inner turmoil since childhood. I wanted to do things right the first time around, I liked the praise of others and worked extremely hard to get it, and failing was not an option. I expected more of myself than anyone else, and part of my struggle was I projected on others what I thought that they thought of me and expected of me, even when I had no real reason to do so. I give myself next to no leeway, even now. To be fair to myself, I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be, but I still can't shake my inner desire to do well every time and not fail. When I do fail, I barrage myself with things I should have or could have done better. It's like a tidal wave of second guessing and self-bashing. "I should have known better," "I should have followed my gut," "I should have thought this through better," "You're so stupid..." are all common phrases that have become part of my regular thought life. It would be one thing if I were looking to grow from these phrases, but I'm not. I'm looking to make myself feel belittled for falling short. I don't know why I do it. Truthfully, it's probably something I should talk about with my counselor to have an outside perspective who will ask me questions. But this is a very real part of my life and I don't ever remember being anything other than self-deprivating. I'm working on it, and like I said I have gotten way better than I used to be, but it became clear to me today that I still don't get it...
The reason why was I was listening to the audiobook version of Michelle Anthony's book "Spiritual Parenting." This book is a really amazing and big-picture view of the Gospel, moving away from behavior-centered parenting and helping our children understand the heart that underlies their actions. She conveys a story of her 16-year-old daughter, at the time, who was begging to be able to have a night alone in the house where she could invite a couple of friends over and hang out, be able to cook and watch movies. They were reluctant as parents to indulge her. But, they gave her a shot when their church had an overnight retreat for couples and their son was away at a friend's for the night. They wanted her to spread her wings under their roof. However, this chance to make choices for their daughter ended up being a phone call early the next morning to her parents with her crying on the other end saying, "I'm so sorry, mom." Turns out that her friends had invited other friends and the low-key night in turned into a huge party with illegal activities, people she didn't know, and police knocking on the door of the home. The police who, by the way, this daughter's dad was the chaplain for. They even walked into the home, reportedly, and said, "Isn't this chaplain Anthony's house?! Nice."
Michelle, as the mother, was seething. The house had been reported to be a dump and her husband went home first from the retreat so Michelle could cool down. She started praying and couldn't shake the feeling that even though she wanted to have her daughter pack up her things to spend the rest of the summer somewhere else, that she should have her daughter pack up her things for a different reason...a getaway with mom. Michelle says all the went through her mind and heart, after some fairly normal visceral reaction, was, "She has forgotten who she is. Remind her." Michelle followed this cue, after having her daughter write an essay on what belonging to Jesus looks like at 16-years-old (which the essay itself is jaw-dropping), and took her on a weekend retreat up to the mountains. They talked, ate, shopped, surfed and other activities. Michelle reminded her that not only was she still valuable and loved by her mother, but that she needed to remember Whose she was. Taking her away for a little bit helped reset her mind, and the rest of her high school years. (Although, after she returned, she still had a list of consequences for her actions, but she was reminded that her actions are not her identity).
You may disagree with her methods, but that aside, her daughter's retreat was 3 years previous to the writing of the book. However, the daughter had written her a Mother's Day card from college that year she was writing the book. She thanked her very specifically for that trip after such a huge mistake. She said that she realized that at a time where her mom could have easily pushed her away for her actions, instead, she drew her closer. She stated this had taught her that when she also made mistakes in life, that she didn't have to run and hide, but could bring her actions to a God, who in her grief, would hold her close and not shake his finger at her. She understood now that there were consequences still for bad decisions, but that because her identity was in Christ, she knew she could run TO the Father instead of running AWAY from the Father.
I, without any warning, burst into tears as I was setting up the Preschool area at church. My tears startled me so much that I actually didn't know what to do with them. I kept working and on my drive to Starbucks just now, I realized why it effected me so instantaneously. I realized that when I behave badly, I DO hide. I'm so embarrassed, afraid of His disapproval...thinking I have embarrassed Him, that He will see me as "less than" because of my actions, I'm afraid that I've moved down on his approval list (that I've lost GPA points in His great system)...I just run away and hide or deny that I made the action in the first place. Even writing this, it's completely not biblical and complete nonsense in general. I realized my tears were that even with all of my years in the church, there was so much more to understand about grace. I don't see at all how Christ sees me or why he would find me worthy to die for. I fight every day to earn grace. This is just insanity.
But maybe that is what makes grace so remarkable in the first place. It's the fact that we get small glimpses of grace, and when we get those small glimpses as human beings (not even just as believers, but in general), it moves something deep in our soul. It moves in us a built-in longing to be able to release our guilt and shame. We KNOW our striving will never be good enough, our legacy will never be long enough, our painfully bad decisions have nowhere to go for release if we are just atoms banging together. There is no relief from past guilt and shame. Even if we "move on," the guilt still lingers. The questions still linger. When we are in bed at night by ourselves and we second guess every decision we've made up unto that point, where does it go? No matter if we try to treat our bad actions and the bad decisions of others as if they didn't happen, we are never truly satisfied. We have something in us that knows that no matter how "good" we are, we always fall short. We know it in our hearts because He has written it on us that there is something missing, and it's Him. The fact that He himself comes down to bridge the gap we cannot, no matter how hard we try, is incomprehensible and humbling. I've realized I don't know what it is to just "be" with him, I always have to have worked hard, put my time in, almost like the older brother in the story of the Prodigal. But today was another reminder, in this lifelong marathon of experiencing grace, that works don't make me more loved. It's trusting in the faithfulness of the Father to me in the middle of my brokenness that brings me to new levels of understanding of grace.
Today has reminded me that I still have not even scratched the surface of grace. Maybe I, like Michelle's daughter, have lost that identity in who He is. Maybe my striving to prove myself worthy, and hoping to show that I am worth His sacrifice really actually shows that I don't understand grace as much as I think. Maybe I've missed the Gospel in how I see myself and my identity is overall misplaced. But my Father is standing with His arms wide open and invites me to lay down the "try harder" burden, express my regret of trying to take on a self-salvation process, and immerse myself in who He is and who He has called me to be because of His Great Grace in Jesus. Maybe I need to turn to Him in my mistakes and falling short and say, "Thank you that you've already caught me in my fall because I am Yours. Remind me of who You say I am in You." Instead of my internal voice being used as a weapon that Satan can use to rip me to shreds, turning back to the One who finds humanity, including me, so valuable that He gave His life that He shouldn't "have had" to give. He is so good, so kind, so faithful, that He continues to chip away at these concepts in my life over and over again. He is the Perfect Parent, and He will walk with me through my own journey as a Child of God in parenthood as well. I'm so grateful that He is so patient with me. I'm grateful for the reality of his Grace today all over again.
When He could have pushed me away, instead He draws me close.
I am loved. I am whole, seen and known because of who He is, what He's done, and Whose He says I am. I pray I continue to grow from here.
No comments:
Post a Comment