True Confessions: When Insecurity of Self Comes Out as Defensiveness

"My husband is extremely supportive of me the majority of the time...why do I get so sensitive when he suggests a change or criticizes something that does need improving?"

This week, I had to do a paper for one of my classes.  I'd studied this theory before, but this was a much more in-depth study of a theory called Emotionally-Focused Therapy.  It's a therapy that helps couples (particularly) delve into the strained emotional bond and create new bonds of warmth and security while in therapy together.

So, what has that got to do with my own insecurity?  One of the principles of digging into the emotional bonds of couples is talking about emotions...then talking about the emotions BEHIND the presenting emotions.  One of the "secondary" emotions is anger.  Anger is often what comes out initially, but often behind this secondary emotion is a "primary" emotion.  EFT proposes that fear is behind anger, particularly fear of abandonment by an important figure.  The anger comes out in order to provoke the partner (perceived to be threatening to leave) to come back, even if they're fighting while doing it.  At least the partner is still "there."

In the process of reading through a lot of the "accessing emotions" material for EFT, I thought through When am I the angriest?  I realized that one of the times I am most visceral in my reactions is when I'm criticized in some way, and especially from my husband.  I started to think about what fear may be behind my own anger.  Am I afraid he'll leave?  I realized how ironic it was for me to have such snippy and defensive reactions to small criticisms (or larger ones) from my sincere and respectful husband.  While he's still flawed and selfish as any human is, he most often has my best interests at heart.  So why am I so distrustful?  Why do I shut down?  I don't do things perfectly, so why would I not expect to get some pushback from someone who cares about me?...I started to seriously contemplate, is it something inside of me?

As I thought it through, I realized, as hard as it is...I don't believe that I'm enough.  I'm afraid I'll never be enough.  I'm afraid he's seeing that.  I realized it wasn't his words that got me, it was fear that he is discovering what I already feared about myself...I'm inadequate.  I'm insecure.  I'm afraid I'm a fraud. So, when my defensiveness comes out at him, I'm actually lashing out against my own fear that PROJECT onto him.  

This was a complete newsflash to me and I about cried on the spot.

I realized that my defensive reaction actually had little to nothing to do with my husband and so much, if not everything, to do with the fact that I already fear every day that I fall short.  As hard as I work, as much as I do, I fear I'm insignificant.  I fear I don't matter.  I've helped people believe that I'm competent and sure of myself, and I'm scared to death that I know nothing and can do nothing.  That is what I lash out at.  If my husband suggests changing where we put things, I don't hear a suggestion, I hear, "Why on earth would you have put that there?  There are such better ways.  You are so stupid.  I'll have to fix your incompetence."  THAT voice in my head is what I get curt and rude with.  When I get defensive, I feel like I stand up for myself and say, "Hey!  That's not stupid!  I thought through that!  How dare you treat me like I'm the incompetent one?!"  

A simple suggestion triggers my deepest insecurities.

And you know what?  It makes me an unapproachable spouse.  I get defensive with my tongue or cold in my body language...as if to say, "How dare you question me."  My husband has to fear my unkind reactions for a simple suggestion in a change in placement of something in the house, asking where things are or if I got the "chance" to do something.  Even reading that, it's absurd on it's face.  

My long-held belief was that if I keep my insecurities to myself and don't let anyone else in on them, they wouldn't affect anyone else.  I'm now learning that it is simply not true.

The truth is, as confident as I am on the outside, I'm full of fear on the inside.  I'm afraid that if people really knew my weak points that they would walk away.  I'm used to being seen as a strong person...I'm afraid that if people see my weaknesses for what they are, they will be disgusted with me and extremely disappointed.  I'm afraid to let anyone see my flaws.  While I have a lot of friends, I work extremely hard on how close I actually let people get to me so that I can control how much they know about me.  I'm afraid that they will see past my confident outside and apparent strength, to see me for what I am...

I'm insecure.  I'm scared.  I'm terrified that if you knew how flawed I really am, you'll abandon me.  Because I'm not as strong as I appear.  I'm not as confident as I let you believe.  I'm scared that if you see the real me, you'll consider me irrelevant.  I'm afraid...a lot of the time.  And I didn't really let myself feel it until the last few days.  It's terrifying.  (The technical name for this "imposter syndrome," if you'd like to look it up.  I never thought this term would apply to me, but it does!)

I don't know where I'm going from here.  I'm going to talk to my counselor about it next week (Yes, counselors see counselors themselves as part of self-care).  But I know I have to take this seriously and address it.  I wanted to share because I believe I'm not alone in this...and no, this insecurity will not affect just you.  It will affect the quality of the relationships around you.  I have to face my fear, and I hope you will, too.

Why Mutually Supportive Spouses Matter

Let me be the first to say, I am far from perfect.  My husband is far from perfect.  However, in the midst of whatever quirks and weaknesses may lie within us and get in the way of communication, one my husband's greatest strengths is support.  My life has been changed for the better because of it.  I have also made it my goal, simultaneously, to look out for him, as husband who often puts his needs to the side for the good of the family.  This is not a manipulative support ("I'll support you SO THAT you support me."), but rather a support that asks questions like:

"Is my spouse doing well?  Do they seem like themselves or are they a bit off?"
"If they are not doing well, then do they need some time alone or with friends or some other atmosphere to regroup?"
"What season is my spouse in and how can I breathe life into them to the best of my ability?  Am I able to give them a break if the season is a hard one?"
"Can I just sit down and listen to my spouse's heart right now, without judgment?"
"How can I serve?  How can I help?"

Support often requires sacrifice at several points for both spouses.  However, when the support is mutual, there is an increased understanding how the other works and responding to it.  So, for example, my husband knows that when I'm really curt or impatient with him or the kids consistently, it means I'm completely drained.  It's not how everyone works, but it is how I work, and he knows this and responds.  He'll gently tell me, "Why don't you take some time on your own?  Or maybe you could call a friend and see if you can meet them?"  In the same way, I know that if he is extremely (abnormally) quiet or if his tone of voice changes in how he addresses others, I know I need to inquire into my introverted husband's state of mind...but GENTLY because if I push to hard for him, he'll shut down more because of my pushiness.  If he's unresponsive, I've learned to let him have his space...he'll talk when he's ready.  He knows we have a relationship built on years of support, trust and working through hard things.  He knows he can talk to me.  Even though my instinct is to run into the problem, his space is crucial to his process, and I've learned to honor that (mostly by getting it wrong for the first couple of years and learning from my mistakes).  These are not always easy conversations, and sometimes both of us try to pretend we are fine when we are not.  However, we know the other is there to support us through the confrontation we are experiencing at the moment.

We have truly come to believe in each other as a good-willed person most days.  Emerson Eggerichs in his 2006 book Love & Respect regularly discusses this point throughout the book, and this is a big part of the support process.  Part of what can slow down the train of blame and assumptions about the motives of others is asking, "Do I believe my spouse is good-willed?  Or do I believe that they woke up this morning and said to themselves how much they wanted to make my life and our marriage miserable?"  There are some people who are ill-willed who are out to manipulate and abuse another.  They absolutely exist, but are far and away the exception to the rule.

One important part of support to remember is there is a push and pull to it.  Support is not rolling over for the other all of the time, but it is not only supporting when it's most convenient for you.  Supporting is inherently inconvenient at times, but it never forgets its own needs/wants.  It simultaneously asks, "What can I do for you?" but also asks "What am I CAPABLE of doing right now and am I full enough on my own to serve?" So, for example, for those of you who don't know, I'm studying in a master's program to be a marriage & family therapist.  I have to study.  A LOT.  While Jason has served often and taken the kids, he also is getting stronger at being direct and telling me when he needs space or time.  I also do my best to ensure he has his time and space each week through a basketball on Tuesdays (and sometimes Saturdays) and his Bible study on Wednesdays.  He also checks in with me about him spending time with good friends and I make a point to support that as often as I can.  He'll tell you, though, I've become more open as well about saying things like, "I'm not sure I'm feeling up for caring for the kids by myself during that time, can you arrange for a different day?" or "You know I acknowledge I can't meet your every need as a spouse.  You need your friends!  But we haven't had time recently together and that was our only free night.  Can we do something together instead?"

One illustration I've come to love over the years is thinking of your relationship like a bank account.  You have to make enough deposits to be able to make a withdrawl.  This is a great illustration of support, love, warmth and affection in your relationship.  Keep in mind that studies show that you need 7 positive interactions for every 1 criticism.  Being affirming and supporting as often as you can pays big dividends when you have to make a withdrawl of criticism or correction.  You have to make sure there's enough money in the love account to make a withdrawl or you go in debt in the relationship!  Even if you and your spouse are in a tough season together (which if you're not in a tough season now, trust me, you will be at some point!), find the strengths and areas where you CAN make love/support deposits.  If your spouse has had to work more to make ends meet, for example, instead of focusing on the time spent away from the family, express appreciation for the dedication they have to make sure the family is safe and provided for.  If the spouse seems to be overly critical, instead of taking it as they don't love or appreciate you, let them know that you appreciate how when they see things they feel are "broken," they want to fix them for what they believe to be the good of those around them (and usually it's because they believe that it is actually UNLOVING not to say something and let things stay "broken"...I may blog on this concept at a different point).  The point here is that often, going back to the concept of goodwill, there are often motives that are believed by the individual to be good and caring things to do that come off to the spouse as painful, irresponsible or cold.

If you're not sure what the motives are for their actions, my encouragement would be to ask them and let them explain without condemnation or fighting back and LOOK for ways you can make supportive deposits in the account.  So, for example, if they say, "I yelled at the kids because they were fighting so much."  You could say, "I appreciate that you want the kids to get along and desire to correct them so they can live more harmoniously."  You aren't agreeing with the method, all your doing is acknowledging that there were good motives behind the poor actions.  This is a way in which you can support your spouse without agreeing with everything they do.  Can you find the goodwill in them and make a supportive deposit?  Support is worked out in the small things (like daily interactions) as well as the big things!  If support for your relationship is only one direction because of how much pain there is in the relationship, start with the smallest things that you can be proud of in them.  Maybe the spouse is poorly interacting with you, but gives a lot of love to the kids.  Maybe they work a ton, but do excellent work at their job.  Find the deposits you can make in good conscience (DON'T FAKE IT, they can tell!), scrounge around as long as you can to find something positive because you need to relational deposits in order to make any withdrawls you'd want to make in the future.  But the support has to begin somewhere!

There are going to be times in your lives as a couple where one spouse or the other is going to have needs and wants that take precedence, this is part of life and especially life together.  There is a certain amount of acceptance that my husband has come to that this season for me is really tough, being in school and doing all of this work.  But the truth is, he always tells me, "You were born to do this counseling thing.  Your gifts are so apparent!  You need to get this work done so that you can do what God has called you to do.  I am here to support you." (To which I remind him that it's not all about me, he needs to feel loved, supported, honored and seen in this process as well!)  Later on, I will need to support him the way he's supported me now, not because I "owe" him, but because this is the way life works!  I love the illustration of being "yoked" together.  If the two oxen are fighting constantly, they can't do the work they are assigned to do.  But if they both are willing to give, willing to pull when the other gets tired to keep things moving in the right direction, the work assigned will be completed.  Life together is a team effort.  It is not easy, and we have ups and downs in communication and life throws us curveballs.  But if we are focused on what we can do to pull the burden that's yoked to us as a team, we will be able to make more progress than one alone.  You are a team, and teams win and lose games, but the goal is still to come out unified on the other side when we fail.

Remember every relationship is different.  How you can support your spouse may take a different form from other couples.  But the point is to keep tabs on the love bank account.  Be in each other's corners as often as possible.  And when criticism is necessary, remember to sandwich your criticism between compliments as often as possible.  For the yelling at the kids example, it could be said, "You show a passion for the kids getting along and I appreciate that.  I think we could work together to come up with a consistent way to handle these things so we can demonstrate unity in front of the kids.  I really want to work together with someone who loves our kids enough to want to be involved someone who wants to see the kids living together well."  (For those that being direct is the only way to be, and the compliments are superfluous, I would ask you to try this and see what happens on the other side).  Be sincere in any support and compliment, and if you both can do this with each other, this is the ideal.  However, remember, you can only control you.  So finding things to be sincerely supportive of the things you find in them and say them or write them down and stick them somewhere (I used to use a dry erase marker and write something down on the mirror in the bathroom from time to time).  Remember, being complimentary should always be sincere and it does not "pass over the sins" of the other.  But find where there is some wiggle room for some positive support...and if you wait for the other to act first in this way, I'll leave you with the words of Emerson Eggerichs…

"When I get asked about who should start this Love & Respect stuff?  I always give the same answer....the one who considers themselves the most mature starts first."

**Side note:  This blog has limited to no applicability to those in actually chronically manipulative or abusive relationships.  Safety is the priority.  Please seek professional help if you are in one of these relational extremes.**