"My husband is extremely supportive of me the majority of the time...why do I get so sensitive when he suggests a change or criticizes something that does need improving?"
This week, I had to do a paper for one of my classes. I'd studied this theory before, but this was a much more in-depth study of a theory called Emotionally-Focused Therapy. It's a therapy that helps couples (particularly) delve into the strained emotional bond and create new bonds of warmth and security while in therapy together.
So, what has that got to do with my own insecurity? One of the principles of digging into the emotional bonds of couples is talking about emotions...then talking about the emotions BEHIND the presenting emotions. One of the "secondary" emotions is anger. Anger is often what comes out initially, but often behind this secondary emotion is a "primary" emotion. EFT proposes that fear is behind anger, particularly fear of abandonment by an important figure. The anger comes out in order to provoke the partner (perceived to be threatening to leave) to come back, even if they're fighting while doing it. At least the partner is still "there."
In the process of reading through a lot of the "accessing emotions" material for EFT, I thought through When am I the angriest? I realized that one of the times I am most visceral in my reactions is when I'm criticized in some way, and especially from my husband. I started to think about what fear may be behind my own anger. Am I afraid he'll leave? I realized how ironic it was for me to have such snippy and defensive reactions to small criticisms (or larger ones) from my sincere and respectful husband. While he's still flawed and selfish as any human is, he most often has my best interests at heart. So why am I so distrustful? Why do I shut down? I don't do things perfectly, so why would I not expect to get some pushback from someone who cares about me?...I started to seriously contemplate, is it something inside of me?
As I thought it through, I realized, as hard as it is...I don't believe that I'm enough. I'm afraid I'll never be enough. I'm afraid he's seeing that. I realized it wasn't his words that got me, it was fear that he is discovering what I already feared about myself...I'm inadequate. I'm insecure. I'm afraid I'm a fraud. So, when my defensiveness comes out at him, I'm actually lashing out against my own fear that PROJECT onto him.
This was a complete newsflash to me and I about cried on the spot.
I realized that my defensive reaction actually had little to nothing to do with my husband and so much, if not everything, to do with the fact that I already fear every day that I fall short. As hard as I work, as much as I do, I fear I'm insignificant. I fear I don't matter. I've helped people believe that I'm competent and sure of myself, and I'm scared to death that I know nothing and can do nothing. That is what I lash out at. If my husband suggests changing where we put things, I don't hear a suggestion, I hear, "Why on earth would you have put that there? There are such better ways. You are so stupid. I'll have to fix your incompetence." THAT voice in my head is what I get curt and rude with. When I get defensive, I feel like I stand up for myself and say, "Hey! That's not stupid! I thought through that! How dare you treat me like I'm the incompetent one?!"
A simple suggestion triggers my deepest insecurities.
And you know what? It makes me an unapproachable spouse. I get defensive with my tongue or cold in my body language...as if to say, "How dare you question me." My husband has to fear my unkind reactions for a simple suggestion in a change in placement of something in the house, asking where things are or if I got the "chance" to do something. Even reading that, it's absurd on it's face.
My long-held belief was that if I keep my insecurities to myself and don't let anyone else in on them, they wouldn't affect anyone else. I'm now learning that it is simply not true.
The truth is, as confident as I am on the outside, I'm full of fear on the inside. I'm afraid that if people really knew my weak points that they would walk away. I'm used to being seen as a strong person...I'm afraid that if people see my weaknesses for what they are, they will be disgusted with me and extremely disappointed. I'm afraid to let anyone see my flaws. While I have a lot of friends, I work extremely hard on how close I actually let people get to me so that I can control how much they know about me. I'm afraid that they will see past my confident outside and apparent strength, to see me for what I am...
I'm insecure. I'm scared. I'm terrified that if you knew how flawed I really am, you'll abandon me. Because I'm not as strong as I appear. I'm not as confident as I let you believe. I'm scared that if you see the real me, you'll consider me irrelevant. I'm afraid...a lot of the time. And I didn't really let myself feel it until the last few days. It's terrifying. (The technical name for this "imposter syndrome," if you'd like to look it up. I never thought this term would apply to me, but it does!)
I don't know where I'm going from here. I'm going to talk to my counselor about it next week (Yes, counselors see counselors themselves as part of self-care). But I know I have to take this seriously and address it. I wanted to share because I believe I'm not alone in this...and no, this insecurity will not affect just you. It will affect the quality of the relationships around you. I have to face my fear, and I hope you will, too.
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