As long as I can remember, I have focused on being a strong person for others. This came through as downplaying my own wants or needs in the face of others "needing me." I've always had an affinity for service-of-others related professions. My natural proclivities of wanting to love and help others have gone hand-in-hand with my choices in my work life. I've taught, managed a Christian bookstore making sure others can get the resources and encouragement they need, among other service-related jobs and now I am in a Master's program for Marriage & Family Therapist.
But, see, here's my hang up...I don't like admitting I need or want anything. I'm hardly aware that I want or need things very often because I view the world through what others need. Most of the time, like in the case of what happened with our daughter's injury almost 4 years ago, I can ask for help when I get desperate and see no other way out. I'm so used to being the "strong" one that I think I am basically the energizer bunny. I can just keep going! If anyone questions my ability to complete what I set out to do, I dig my heals in and insist I can do it. I'm very resistant to wrestling with weaknesses or overextending myself, my time or my abilities.
In other words, I struggle with pride. Something fierce.
I started my practicum this fall and was so excited for the experience. I admitted that I had a tough summer in a very general sense, but I just figured it was "upward and onward" as I normally think. The problem was, that practicum plus my girls being in school and switching schedules plus still having class meant that I was REALLY struggling balancing it all. I wouldn't admit it though...
Thank God for a good supervisor in my practicum. I was starting to forget things and be late for events. This was not good.
What I term my "bandwidth" had been exceeded and I was moving at a 2G pace trying to keep up with what was necessary for life.
It showed up professionally for me, to my absolute heartbreak at the time. My supervisor noticed I was becoming really "scattered" after having such glowing recommendations from those who know me. She was concerned there was something wrong outside of the professional environment because these types of behaviors did not seem typical of what others knew of me. For someone who delights in being able to keep up with everything thrown at her, I was crushed and sobbing in my supervisor's office. She was compassionate and yet pushed me toward action to change to take care of myself because I "clearly lack giving [myself] any margin for taking care of myself." (I have a LONG history of a lack of self-care, but that's for a different post!)
I went from there determined to do better, and I have set up a schedule to do better at taking care of myself (part of which is taking off Fridays and doing things like blogging!). However, it was not enough to move forward....
This past weekend I was challenged to look back too.
See, I thought I was good. I was moving forward, getting organized and taking more care of myself. But I was out to coffee with a friend explaining how upset I was that I had gained weight and experience a lot of shame for it (the weight is NOT the issue I'm discussing in the post, it is a symptom of what I learned is a greater problem). She asked me when I last felt really good and sure of where I was as a person. I told her it was summer of 2017. I felt happy and healthy...then she asked what happened after that summer...
I had to think for a little bit, and I said, well...I started full-time school that fall instead of part time...I lost my dear grandma suddenly in January...between February and April I got back on track...only to get a concussion in May that took me away from CrossFit (part of my self-care process) for 2 months trying to let my brain recover...only to have my full-time schoolwork add up so that when I was cleared to return to the gym, I was then clobbered with 3 classes worth of work...I finished the work only to start my Practicum experience alongside big changes in my family's schedule with the girls going to school...plus I took my National Exam for counseling in mid-September...and I just have general stressors of my young family life to accompany on that. HOLY COW. I hadn't put all the pieces together. My friend looked at me and basically said my stress level had been so high for almost a year, which is also when my weight gain happened...
I felt my heart sink in me. I had not allowed myself to look back and show myself any grace at all. I just couldn't figure out why I couldn't feel energized moving forward. I had a schedule in place and things "should be working" in my mind. But I felt tired and like I was trying to keep my head above water.
So, I don't have any answers right now. But I am giving myself a chance to look back and say, "You know, you've had a tough year...and that's okay." I'm working on self-compassion, not self-pity. I realized that if someone would have walked into my counseling office with my story of the past year, my response would have been, "Wow, what a challenging year! No wonder you're struggling." I'm trying now to better at saying that to myself. I don't dwell on it and turn it into pity, but rather, that when I hear the really negative voices in my head, instead of handing myself a list of "shoulds," I'm now trying to say, "That must be tough. You're having a hard time. But you'll work through it." I'm hoping this experience in my practicum and with my friends help shape a better future for me in relationship to myself. I'm working on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment