I said in my last post that I was going to continue blogging about a couple of conversations I'd had with my dad while my mom was in the hospital. This is my second blog on something I've been reflecting on: fear-driven parenting.
Fear is a very real force. It can be used for good or evil. Fear is the thing that makes us cautious walking down a street alone at night. Fear can make us cautious in many situations, which is wise. But fear also has the power to make us emotional nut cases who are afraid to do or touch anything new or anything that we don't know what the out come will be. Part of life is risk. But fear keeps us from taking the very risks that can end up changing us for the better.
While I'm not much for the hype that comes with the death of celebrity, I saw a quote from Mary Tyler Moore, who passed this week, saying something about this topic. She said, "Take chances. Make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."
When it comes to my kids, like many of you, I look at the world and feel overwhelmed. I have 3 girls, and girls are MEAN sometimes. I look at the political, social and educational climate and I have way more questions than answers. I remember being little and wanting to grow up, I believed grown ups had a lot of answers. Now that I'm here myself, I'm acutely aware of how little I know. How much you hope you're doing the best thing for your kids and family, but the truth is, we don't know what's going to happen or how things will turn out in the end. Even decisions you are CONFIDENT in as a parent at the time, you may look back and regret.
I find myself often looking at my kids and wanting to protect them. Protect them from mean people. Protect them from negative messages about their bodies, their beliefs or their lives. I want to keep them in my safe little bubble and just try to love them the best I can. But that fear, if allowed to drive my parenting in the short- or long-term, will cause so much damage as well. Not allowing them the freedom to fall, fail, or face adversity will cause them to be immature and cowardly perpetually. I can't save them from themselves or from the world around them. I have to allow them to practice bravery.
Sometimes, as I've learned as an adult, I am my own worst enemy at times. I think sometimes, "What if my girls had the thought about themselves that I just had about myself?" or "What if they make the same mistakes or even bigger mistakes than I made?" All parents understand these types of ongoing questions.
But my parents let me be brave many times, even when it scared them to death. I told my dad, I remembered him dropping me off for a trip to Morocco...when I was just 18...and it was only 2 years after 9/11. I told him, he must have been filled with fear when I initially said that I wanted to attend this trip. I'm amazed he let me go, to be honest, as a parent now. America and the Middle East in general had very serious tension. But mom and dad didn't tell me no, because I'd really felt a tug by the Lord that I was supposed to go. I raised the funds, and dad dropped me off, not knowing what might happen to me. That parental fear could have guided that decision. But the truth is, that trip changed the trajectory of my life. The reason is, though I don't recall a lot of the specifics of that trip, I came to the courageous decision to break up with my high school boyfriend of 2 1/2 years because of convictions received when I was on my own in the desert (literally). Yes, I had a team with me, but for my life purposes, I was on my own. I was able to listen. The Lord got my heart. It changed my life for the long haul. If my parents hadn't have let me go, I'm not sure if I would've continued in the relationship or not, but I can tell you that their decision to set their fear to the side for His glory and my good was absolutely the right thing to do.
This is just one of several examples I have (maybe one of the most extreme, arguably), but this example that they set here in this circumstance makes me seriously step back and reflect on my own life and my own fears. I have to be practicing throughout their life, that I have to let go and let them explore life. I have to let them fall. I have to coach them (often from my own experience) how to navigate broken hearts, shady friends, loving people too much to the point of blindness, etc.
Here's the truth: If I had not had the struggles I did, if I didn't experience crushing defeats and bad choices, I wouldn't have learned how to get up after falling down. I can't wish away trials from my kids, or let my fear dictate their young existence, because if I do...they stay immature forever. I can't have 30 year olds who can only reason like 10 year olds because I kept them in a bubble and didn't let them do hard things. As scared as I get sometimes, the truth is, if they don't face their own failings or the failings of others head-on, then they will become stagnant, immature and complacent/whiny adults. There is absolutely a place for discipline (that's another topic), but I am addressing my own fear here.
I'm afraid of what other parents think of me. I'm afraid of watching my little girl cry as her friend tells her they're not friends, or someone has stolen the boy she likes. I'm afraid of how men will look at my girls. I'm afraid that, because they're so lovely, that they will tempted to only be as valuable as their bodies look. I'm afraid of the kids who may say they're stupid, or worthless, or whatever terrible things kids say that are filled with untruth. I'm afraid they may not be able to handle money well. I'm afraid that they may struggle in school. This is just the beginning of my fears list...
But the truth is, if I let that apprehension drive my parenting, I will fail these kids on a wholly different level. I will go through the stages of parenting. At some point I will move from the parent-on-the-pedestal, manners-teaching, disciplinarian stage, to the coach and confidante stage (yes, I'm sure there are a billion stages, but these are the two biggies, I think). My role in their lives will change.
But they need me to be courageous enough to let THEM be brave. To try, fall and get up again. To move on from broken relationships, to study differently or harder for the next test in school, to fail a driver's written test 5 times (like I did, lol), to realize popular things don't always mean it's what's right, or whatever the trial. I need to love them well. To love beyond their actions and bad choices and to love the Imago Dei (image of God) in them. For some reason, God has chosen these girls for me and me for them. I will inevitably fail them. But part of learning to get up from failure is leading by example. I have to ask them for forgiveness, as 4 year olds or 40 year olds, for things that I've said or done that have hurt them. I've been called to shepherd their hearts in my imperfect way, guided by the Spirit. This means I leave room for the Spirit's guidance through tough times AND when I screw up, that I'm willing to admit it, because...no matter the age of my child...that Imago Dei remains. A wounded spirit in my toddler or teenager, is worth the conversation and confession, if necessary. I want to teach them relational reconciliation as well as overall resilience from tough things. This isn't easy. But it is necessary.
My final reflection is this: Some of the wisest people I know, have been through the TOUGHEST situations...sometimes that are so explicit in nature, that it's almost unbearable to listen to in my empathetic heart. But they had soft Spirits, that in the middle of doubt and pain, they were resilient. They were TEACHABLE. God worked through their stubbornness or pain or lamenting to bring them to a place of growth that wouldn't have been accomplished through only happy times and healthy relationships. I have to trust that the trials that God has coming down the pike for me or my kids are the ones that will draw us back to him, give us a chance to lean into him, and learn more about who He is and who we are in Him. It's not easy. I don't have answers, but I believe the Lord is really working on me to look at this particular side of my parenting. Honestly, I'm really grateful.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Leaning into Difficulty
While my mom was at Mayo before her surgery this past week, my dad and I got some quality one on one time together. It was humbling for me because I chat most commonly with my mom, but there's always been a special place in my heart for my dad. He's always been a man of quiet strength and whenever he speaks, I listen. It's been that way since childhood. When my dad was speaking, I remember that my world would stop. He'd always have a way of striking a balance between getting me to sit down and talk calmly with him (even though I was emotional) and standing back and giving me a look that said more than words ever could. My mom has always called me "your father's child" because of our similarities. To be considered similar to my earthly father is a privilege to me, because my dad tries his best to emulate his Heavenly Father whenever possible. He is wise and kind and it's an honor to be his daughter. I've never doubted for a moment that I was loved and he's always believed in me, even in his quietness.
So when my dad takes time to tell me that he's proud of me for something, it does something to me that words really don't suffice to express. So during our time together, my dad said something to me that I've been pondering for days. He told me that he's proud of me because of how I've grown and matured through leaning INTO difficulty.
I've been thinking about what this means and what it means to me as a parent, specifically. Sometimes in life we have trials that have been thrown at us and sometimes it's a mess of our own making. I've had both, just like everyone else. I'm not anything special, I don't have a secret formula, I'm not any more righteous or unscathed by life than anyone else. But the difficulties I have faced, there's been a steadiness that underlies it all that I cannot full explain nor can I produce it within myself. But I look at what my dad said, and I wonder, what are the things the Lord has taught me through all I've gone through, what habits have a built as a result of what I've seen and experienced? How does this affect my parenting?
I've learned that hard things happen. They can come from the inside or the outside. As dad said in one of our conversations, "Nobody signs on the dotted line saying, I'd like to have THIS problem." We often go through things we either didn't ask for or they are natural consequence of things we have chosen. But how we face our difficulties and what results we allow trials to produce in us DOES matter. There have been a lot of situations in my life that have caused me great pain that I couldn't control. I couldn't control the situation or the people in it. But I realized, through doing it wrong many times, that I am responsible for me, I don't get to shove blame. I don't get to say, "If you weren't the way you are, I wouldn't be the way I am." It's simply untrue. My circumstances do not define who I am, neither do other people's treatment of me. I cannot control these things, but I AM accountable for the way I am, the way I behave and the thoughts I have.
But the truth is, I'm just a freaking sinful and selfish as everyone else. My natural inclinations are toward myself, toward wanting to do things my way, to wanting to be right and believing that my self-interest is paramount. Only Christ himself moving my gaze away from myself has changed me. I'm still an immense work in progress. But after my dad said that, I've been reflecting on what God has changed in me that has made me better able to cope through difficulty.
I believe the Lord has been gracious to me in more ways than I could count. It's completely unmerited. But he has moved my heart with each hard thing closer to himself. One of the main things I can pinpoint that's changed my life is attention paid to thankfulness for his past faithfulness. I remember sitting in the hospital with my daughter's head injury that I couldn't explain and Child Protective Services, detectives and social workers grilling me for what felt like an eternity. I was so frantic after being told we couldn't be alone with our kids and being interrogated about every aspect of my marriage and family...that I got home and threw up. Emotion is real. I am always emotional in trial. I was tempted to despair. But I remember so vividly, the Lord slowing me down and prompting me to go through his past faithfulness throughout my life. I just started listing things he had done and seen me through up unto that point. The further I got down the list, the more overwhelmed with his love I became. He reminded me that he sees me. This did not surprise him. He was my ANCHOR (the name of this blog). All anchors have give, but even though I may feel that I am lost at sea, that anchor will pull me back. He was going to hold me through it, but I was responsible for how I behaved in the midst of the pressure of 7 months of social services. There is a balance.
When God slows me down, it's often through gratefulness. How have I leaned into difficulty? It's most often through grateful reflection on life and clinging to the faithfulness that has already been so clear throughout my life. From there, the Lord changes my perspective as I've slowed down. It's a process. It takes time, it is not an overnight thing. But over time, the fear of the situation is no longer the defining factor. The emotion no longer takes the wheel. I believe there is truly a reason the Lord spends so much time in the Old Testament telling Israel, "Don't you remember when I did this or that?...Talk about these with your children..." Israel were handed (or handed themselves) some really tough situations. What was so often God's response? "Remember." There is a powerful thing that happens when we remember the many things we have to be grateful for. Not just a lip service to "Oh yeah, thanks" kind of way. But in a deep and heartfelt thanks for the past faithfulness of God. There's something in us that hits the breaks on the "right here, right now" focus. When we pan out to see the tapestry of our lives, pointing out the moments of grace (and keep in mind it's only the times of grace we are cognizant of!), we start to see a view of our whole tapestry as a opposed to the snapshots in our mind. It takes time to reflect. Does it fix the immediate problem? Often, no. But what it does is it changes us, it changes our perspective, it reminds us that now is not the only time that has ever existed (although it feels that way at the moment).
We, like Israel, often forget from whence we came. Through our fallen nature, we are forgetful creatures. But "leaning into the difficulty" often means looking back at God's faithfulness and, while not seeing how everything is going to work out in the long haul, choosing to put your trust back in him to work all things out for HIS glory. That's what all of our stories are about. Every single one of our tapestries play a part in the beautiful artwork that he is putting together to show himself to the world. He is the main player, he is the one everything ultimately points to. So by looking backward, it causes us to be able to move forward. It doesn't fix the situation, it may not change your emotion, but it refocuses you on that there's a bigger story and a bigger reality than this moment. He sees you in that moment, he loves you in that moment, he sees the pain and the heartache and he knows it well from his own experience. But by gazing over the mountains and the valleys of life causes us to be more aware of who he is and the story he is telling. Through that, he changes our perspective and changes how we pray and how we act.
It is often when we are in our darkest places that we have the chance to see his glory shine the brightest.
I don't want my kids to miss seeing his glory. My propensity as a parent is to protect my kids. I don't want them to be hurt or have to deal with hard things. But the truth is, those hard things give them a chance to see God's faithfulness in the past and the present and, if they let it, it will allow them to entrust the trajectory of their lives to that faithfulness continuing all of their days. The times where I've grown the most have not been my happiest days. They've been the days where I had nothing left. I was at the end of myself. There was no where else to "dig down deep" into. Then I turned my eyes toward Jesus, and saw how he has carried me, and even though I didn't "feel" trusting, I leaned back into my anchor, the one that held me (even when I thought I was floating out to sea). While I do not wish difficulty on my children, I want them to know that difficulty is often the most fertile soil for growth...if they let it happen. I want to point them to slowing down to be grateful for what grace they've experienced up unto this point. I don't want them to be afraid of difficulty, or shy away from trial. If I truly desire for my children to grow in wisdom and truth, the refining fires of trial are often the ways that God burns past the nasties that are in our gold and refine us. I want them to face difficulty, feel the emotion but not let it rule them, and move toward a grateful heart. They will make mistakes. They will be handed things that they didn't ask for. But how do we walk in grace in those things? I believe it often starts with a reflection on his past goodness. This is what he reiterated over and over again with Israel when they had current trials. Sometimes he told them how he would solve the problem, but often he did not. Instead, he was showing us a starting point, even when we don't know how to step forward or how to cope with what's happening. I believe that when the Lord has turned my heart toward reflection, it's changed my perspective. I want to teach my children the same thing. He is good, even when our circumstances are not. If we reflect on how good he has been, it will give us a firm foundation to trust in the days to come...even when we don't feel it.
So when my dad takes time to tell me that he's proud of me for something, it does something to me that words really don't suffice to express. So during our time together, my dad said something to me that I've been pondering for days. He told me that he's proud of me because of how I've grown and matured through leaning INTO difficulty.
I've been thinking about what this means and what it means to me as a parent, specifically. Sometimes in life we have trials that have been thrown at us and sometimes it's a mess of our own making. I've had both, just like everyone else. I'm not anything special, I don't have a secret formula, I'm not any more righteous or unscathed by life than anyone else. But the difficulties I have faced, there's been a steadiness that underlies it all that I cannot full explain nor can I produce it within myself. But I look at what my dad said, and I wonder, what are the things the Lord has taught me through all I've gone through, what habits have a built as a result of what I've seen and experienced? How does this affect my parenting?
I've learned that hard things happen. They can come from the inside or the outside. As dad said in one of our conversations, "Nobody signs on the dotted line saying, I'd like to have THIS problem." We often go through things we either didn't ask for or they are natural consequence of things we have chosen. But how we face our difficulties and what results we allow trials to produce in us DOES matter. There have been a lot of situations in my life that have caused me great pain that I couldn't control. I couldn't control the situation or the people in it. But I realized, through doing it wrong many times, that I am responsible for me, I don't get to shove blame. I don't get to say, "If you weren't the way you are, I wouldn't be the way I am." It's simply untrue. My circumstances do not define who I am, neither do other people's treatment of me. I cannot control these things, but I AM accountable for the way I am, the way I behave and the thoughts I have.
But the truth is, I'm just a freaking sinful and selfish as everyone else. My natural inclinations are toward myself, toward wanting to do things my way, to wanting to be right and believing that my self-interest is paramount. Only Christ himself moving my gaze away from myself has changed me. I'm still an immense work in progress. But after my dad said that, I've been reflecting on what God has changed in me that has made me better able to cope through difficulty.
I believe the Lord has been gracious to me in more ways than I could count. It's completely unmerited. But he has moved my heart with each hard thing closer to himself. One of the main things I can pinpoint that's changed my life is attention paid to thankfulness for his past faithfulness. I remember sitting in the hospital with my daughter's head injury that I couldn't explain and Child Protective Services, detectives and social workers grilling me for what felt like an eternity. I was so frantic after being told we couldn't be alone with our kids and being interrogated about every aspect of my marriage and family...that I got home and threw up. Emotion is real. I am always emotional in trial. I was tempted to despair. But I remember so vividly, the Lord slowing me down and prompting me to go through his past faithfulness throughout my life. I just started listing things he had done and seen me through up unto that point. The further I got down the list, the more overwhelmed with his love I became. He reminded me that he sees me. This did not surprise him. He was my ANCHOR (the name of this blog). All anchors have give, but even though I may feel that I am lost at sea, that anchor will pull me back. He was going to hold me through it, but I was responsible for how I behaved in the midst of the pressure of 7 months of social services. There is a balance.
When God slows me down, it's often through gratefulness. How have I leaned into difficulty? It's most often through grateful reflection on life and clinging to the faithfulness that has already been so clear throughout my life. From there, the Lord changes my perspective as I've slowed down. It's a process. It takes time, it is not an overnight thing. But over time, the fear of the situation is no longer the defining factor. The emotion no longer takes the wheel. I believe there is truly a reason the Lord spends so much time in the Old Testament telling Israel, "Don't you remember when I did this or that?...Talk about these with your children..." Israel were handed (or handed themselves) some really tough situations. What was so often God's response? "Remember." There is a powerful thing that happens when we remember the many things we have to be grateful for. Not just a lip service to "Oh yeah, thanks" kind of way. But in a deep and heartfelt thanks for the past faithfulness of God. There's something in us that hits the breaks on the "right here, right now" focus. When we pan out to see the tapestry of our lives, pointing out the moments of grace (and keep in mind it's only the times of grace we are cognizant of!), we start to see a view of our whole tapestry as a opposed to the snapshots in our mind. It takes time to reflect. Does it fix the immediate problem? Often, no. But what it does is it changes us, it changes our perspective, it reminds us that now is not the only time that has ever existed (although it feels that way at the moment).
We, like Israel, often forget from whence we came. Through our fallen nature, we are forgetful creatures. But "leaning into the difficulty" often means looking back at God's faithfulness and, while not seeing how everything is going to work out in the long haul, choosing to put your trust back in him to work all things out for HIS glory. That's what all of our stories are about. Every single one of our tapestries play a part in the beautiful artwork that he is putting together to show himself to the world. He is the main player, he is the one everything ultimately points to. So by looking backward, it causes us to be able to move forward. It doesn't fix the situation, it may not change your emotion, but it refocuses you on that there's a bigger story and a bigger reality than this moment. He sees you in that moment, he loves you in that moment, he sees the pain and the heartache and he knows it well from his own experience. But by gazing over the mountains and the valleys of life causes us to be more aware of who he is and the story he is telling. Through that, he changes our perspective and changes how we pray and how we act.
It is often when we are in our darkest places that we have the chance to see his glory shine the brightest.
I don't want my kids to miss seeing his glory. My propensity as a parent is to protect my kids. I don't want them to be hurt or have to deal with hard things. But the truth is, those hard things give them a chance to see God's faithfulness in the past and the present and, if they let it, it will allow them to entrust the trajectory of their lives to that faithfulness continuing all of their days. The times where I've grown the most have not been my happiest days. They've been the days where I had nothing left. I was at the end of myself. There was no where else to "dig down deep" into. Then I turned my eyes toward Jesus, and saw how he has carried me, and even though I didn't "feel" trusting, I leaned back into my anchor, the one that held me (even when I thought I was floating out to sea). While I do not wish difficulty on my children, I want them to know that difficulty is often the most fertile soil for growth...if they let it happen. I want to point them to slowing down to be grateful for what grace they've experienced up unto this point. I don't want them to be afraid of difficulty, or shy away from trial. If I truly desire for my children to grow in wisdom and truth, the refining fires of trial are often the ways that God burns past the nasties that are in our gold and refine us. I want them to face difficulty, feel the emotion but not let it rule them, and move toward a grateful heart. They will make mistakes. They will be handed things that they didn't ask for. But how do we walk in grace in those things? I believe it often starts with a reflection on his past goodness. This is what he reiterated over and over again with Israel when they had current trials. Sometimes he told them how he would solve the problem, but often he did not. Instead, he was showing us a starting point, even when we don't know how to step forward or how to cope with what's happening. I believe that when the Lord has turned my heart toward reflection, it's changed my perspective. I want to teach my children the same thing. He is good, even when our circumstances are not. If we reflect on how good he has been, it will give us a firm foundation to trust in the days to come...even when we don't feel it.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Lessons on Rest from Chick-fil-A
The title to this may seem silly to some. But there is a reason for my crazy!
See, this year I have the privilege of contributing one of the 40 daily Lenten devotionals to my church's yearly devotional in the weeks leading up to Easter. I am excited to contribute, but this is also a deeply personal work for me. This past year, in the Easter season of 2016, the Lenten devotional theme was on the book of Job and on trials and questions that come with the pain of life. This devotional was the connecting point for my sister-in-law and I before she passed away this past summer. As much as I'm delighted to contribute, I've also cried some too. I have emails exchanged still in my email box from her to me. It's a beautiful testimony to her growth and increasing peace as she neared the end of her life. I hadn't known my sister-in-law well up unto that point, but that devotional connected us spiritually and emotionally, to the point where she hand wrote me a note calling me her "true sister." I sobbed when I received the note itself. This series of devotionals can change trajectories of lives both inside and outside of my church. I want to honor the Lord, and I want to honor my sister-in-law's memory through my writing. So this blog is actually a processing of what my topic is, and really it's filled with prayer that I can be used, as well as the other writers of the devotionals, to bring glory to God through the messages he wants to bring to those who will interact with this devotional leading up to Easter.
My topic is Lord of the Sabbath, specifically, the original verses of the ten commandments in Exodus that includes the mandate for Sabbath. As I was initially opening the email, I read the topic and the first thing that came to mind was Chick-fil-A.
Yes, Chick-fil-A.
"Why?" you may ask? Because Chick-fil-A takes the prospect of extended rest seriously. They're a much-loved Chicken sandwich fast food company with silly commercials that have cows advocating for you to eat more chicken (instead of beef!) with egregious spelling errors that make you laugh. They're just awesome. The food is good and I swear they force their people to be friendly! I mean, these people are pleasant even with irritating orders in drive thrus, I've never been smarted off to by an employee and they're super accommodating. My husband and I are happy to support them as a whole.
Their owners also happen to be devout Christians. They close every Sunday to advocate for all employees to be with families and to worship if they choose to do so. They also close early the days before some national holidays and they close for every big national holiday. They literally are closed 52 days a year, plus holidays. In business math, that's INSANITY. Do you know how much business you're missing? How much money you're NOT making being open those days? Imagine the money!!
But here's the thing, Chick-fil-A is THE MOST PROFITABLE FAST FOOD CHAIN IN AMERICA. Has been for many years. BY A LANDSLIDE. (feel free to google this info!). God is fully sufficient to meet Chick-fil-A's needs in 6 days instead of 7. The owner's humble desire to honor the Lord, to give their employees a full day's break from demands of business, for them to slow down, go home and be able to have time to engage the people and needs around them...is repaid by God meeting what they need.
That's what Sabbath is. Sabbath isn't a nap time, it's what Tim Keller calls a "soul rest." When we work too much, when we say yes to too many things, when we overcommit our time and resources, this is an exhaustion of the soul that no amount of sleep can help. We are perpetually exhausted. No matter how many naps we take, how many snacks we eat, glasses of wine we drink, yoga we do, nothing alleviates the exhaustion we feel.
Work in and of itself is not evil. Work was implemented in the garden of Eden when everything was perfect. We were designed to work, and it's a beautiful thing. We will not be "angels" up in heaven, on clouds, playing harps. That's utter nonsense, and not biblically supported. We will be living and working in community, as originally and perfectly designed by God in the beginning. It will be amazing. We will be engaged in truly meaningful work because it glorifies our God and the way he made us.
We live in a culture that is far and away obsessed with work. We believe our work gives our lives meaning. The more we stretch our wallets, our time, our resources, or our dedication to our assigned vocation, the more we mean. How often have you had this conversation with a friend?..."How are you?" The answer is one word, "Busy." We validate our existence through our work. We are slaves to our schedules and commitments. We go on vacations to attempt to "get a break" only to realize it doesn't take us too long after getting back to be exhausted all over again and pining for the next vacation.
Sabbath is a rhythm of rest. It's built in. It's a discipline. It takes extended down time. It's a two fold rest. It's a time of liberation from our work. It's a time where we are reminded that we are NOT our accomplishments. We are not slaves to our work. It is also a time of trust, where we realize that our ability to work, the sales we get, the money we make, the ego we get from a job well done, does not actually come from ourselves at all. It comes from God himself. We trust him to provide for our needs. We may not get "excess," but we trust him to know and provide for our needs, and therefore the "letting go" of time and commitment to connect with him in worship and to be able to just "be" is actually us acknowledging the sovereignty of God over every single aspect of our lives. Sabbath is meant to be a time of restoration of the things that are the foundation underneath the mere physicality of our bodies. This is what Jesus himself focuses on when he speaks of Sabbath during his days of ministry. Sabbath is a time of RESTORATION of the things that matter. This requires time, discipline and regularity.
Tim Keller likens this to REM sleep of the soul. Sure, you can take 8 one hour naps in a day and say that you've gotten your "8 hours of sleep in." However, any sleep expert will tell you that in order to get the deep RESTORATIVE sleep that your body actually needs, you have to sleep for a certain period of time straight through. The same is true of life. We wonder why a half hour run makes us feel good for a little bit, but doesn't change our overall exhaustion level. Why do our once or twice a year vacations just give life a little shot in the arm to make life feel a bit better, but doesn't change our outlook for long? Why do our nights out give us a small reprieve, but we head back to our commitments and are overwhelmed again?
Because we are "napping" instead of taking regular deep rest. A rest that says, "We are not our work." A rest that brings us back to center REGULARLY. It doesn't have to be a full day, that's not the point. But it's a built in regular time, whether weekly or biweekly, that we sit back and look at what we accomplish and say, "It is good, but it is not my meaning. He has defined who I am. He has paid the price to reconcile me to himself. He has deemed me a loved child in his family. He sees my need and will provide for it. I haven't been lazy, I have done what I can. Now, I will sit and enjoy Him and all he has given me and gaze on his glory...knowing that it is enough for all of life."
We need to find a discipline of rest in our lives. It is built into us, if we don't take a deep breath and rest our souls in Him regularly, we will keep going in our meaningless striving and keep wondering why we are so tired. We were designed for a balance of work and full, deep rest.
I don't know what this looks like for me. I don't know what it looks like for you. I know I'm headed into a busy time in life. I have 3 kids under 3. I have a part time job. I have grad school starting in a couple of weeks. I look at my life and I say, HOW DO I BUILD REST IN?!?! God, don't You know rest will not be possible for me? I'll have assignments, I will have work, I will have kids grabbing at me, a husband who needs me. Don't you see my chaos?...And he whispers back, "Yes. That's why you NEED to come to me and find rest in me. My burden is easy and my yoke is light. Come to me, my child. You need me." I don't have any answers.
But with school starting in a couple of weeks, I believe he has stopped me here on this subject to get me to reflect before I add to my chaos. I need to figure out what building in rest means for me. I have no answers. But as I prepare to write this devotional, I kinda wanted to write my reflections. I think in some ways, I'm scared of rest. I'm scared of reflection. I'd sooner grab for my phone and busy my mind rather than have 15 min of allowing an "inactive" time. Maybe I do believe that the busier I am, or at least the busier I feel, the more my life means. Maybe down time is a scary thing because of what it will reveal about me, or what it reveals about God, or life in general? I don't know why I have such a hard time being quiet. But I can tell you, I am a slave to my own busyness, and I some how get off on it. I like being busy. Slowing down feels like worthless time. But what if slowing down is actually some of the most significant time there is? What if I'm missing some of the beauty and depth of life offered in Him because I don't slow down? What if I do build in time to just "be," to allow the feelings and worship to come in unstructured ways? Will it change me, would it change my life for the better?
But I look at Chick-fil-A's example, and I think, "What do they understand about the Sabbath that the Lord honors? What am I missing?" I know I need to allow the liberation, the trust, and the restoration that an intentional, regular Sabbath brings to truly take hold.
Maybe if we all took a lesson from Chick-fil-A as a culture, our whole culture may be better for it?
I may not be able to change a whole culture, but I know I can start with me. So, I will go forward in these next couple of weeks asking Him what he wants me to do in my days, weeks and years to come. I believe He has brought me to this topic right now for a reason. I need to have a listening ear to see what changes he wants to make in me. And maybe those changes will be the insights I need to write this brief devotional by Tuesday. We shall see.
Any prayers are appreciated.
See, this year I have the privilege of contributing one of the 40 daily Lenten devotionals to my church's yearly devotional in the weeks leading up to Easter. I am excited to contribute, but this is also a deeply personal work for me. This past year, in the Easter season of 2016, the Lenten devotional theme was on the book of Job and on trials and questions that come with the pain of life. This devotional was the connecting point for my sister-in-law and I before she passed away this past summer. As much as I'm delighted to contribute, I've also cried some too. I have emails exchanged still in my email box from her to me. It's a beautiful testimony to her growth and increasing peace as she neared the end of her life. I hadn't known my sister-in-law well up unto that point, but that devotional connected us spiritually and emotionally, to the point where she hand wrote me a note calling me her "true sister." I sobbed when I received the note itself. This series of devotionals can change trajectories of lives both inside and outside of my church. I want to honor the Lord, and I want to honor my sister-in-law's memory through my writing. So this blog is actually a processing of what my topic is, and really it's filled with prayer that I can be used, as well as the other writers of the devotionals, to bring glory to God through the messages he wants to bring to those who will interact with this devotional leading up to Easter.
My topic is Lord of the Sabbath, specifically, the original verses of the ten commandments in Exodus that includes the mandate for Sabbath. As I was initially opening the email, I read the topic and the first thing that came to mind was Chick-fil-A.
Yes, Chick-fil-A.
"Why?" you may ask? Because Chick-fil-A takes the prospect of extended rest seriously. They're a much-loved Chicken sandwich fast food company with silly commercials that have cows advocating for you to eat more chicken (instead of beef!) with egregious spelling errors that make you laugh. They're just awesome. The food is good and I swear they force their people to be friendly! I mean, these people are pleasant even with irritating orders in drive thrus, I've never been smarted off to by an employee and they're super accommodating. My husband and I are happy to support them as a whole.
Their owners also happen to be devout Christians. They close every Sunday to advocate for all employees to be with families and to worship if they choose to do so. They also close early the days before some national holidays and they close for every big national holiday. They literally are closed 52 days a year, plus holidays. In business math, that's INSANITY. Do you know how much business you're missing? How much money you're NOT making being open those days? Imagine the money!!
But here's the thing, Chick-fil-A is THE MOST PROFITABLE FAST FOOD CHAIN IN AMERICA. Has been for many years. BY A LANDSLIDE. (feel free to google this info!). God is fully sufficient to meet Chick-fil-A's needs in 6 days instead of 7. The owner's humble desire to honor the Lord, to give their employees a full day's break from demands of business, for them to slow down, go home and be able to have time to engage the people and needs around them...is repaid by God meeting what they need.
That's what Sabbath is. Sabbath isn't a nap time, it's what Tim Keller calls a "soul rest." When we work too much, when we say yes to too many things, when we overcommit our time and resources, this is an exhaustion of the soul that no amount of sleep can help. We are perpetually exhausted. No matter how many naps we take, how many snacks we eat, glasses of wine we drink, yoga we do, nothing alleviates the exhaustion we feel.
Work in and of itself is not evil. Work was implemented in the garden of Eden when everything was perfect. We were designed to work, and it's a beautiful thing. We will not be "angels" up in heaven, on clouds, playing harps. That's utter nonsense, and not biblically supported. We will be living and working in community, as originally and perfectly designed by God in the beginning. It will be amazing. We will be engaged in truly meaningful work because it glorifies our God and the way he made us.
We live in a culture that is far and away obsessed with work. We believe our work gives our lives meaning. The more we stretch our wallets, our time, our resources, or our dedication to our assigned vocation, the more we mean. How often have you had this conversation with a friend?..."How are you?" The answer is one word, "Busy." We validate our existence through our work. We are slaves to our schedules and commitments. We go on vacations to attempt to "get a break" only to realize it doesn't take us too long after getting back to be exhausted all over again and pining for the next vacation.
Sabbath is a rhythm of rest. It's built in. It's a discipline. It takes extended down time. It's a two fold rest. It's a time of liberation from our work. It's a time where we are reminded that we are NOT our accomplishments. We are not slaves to our work. It is also a time of trust, where we realize that our ability to work, the sales we get, the money we make, the ego we get from a job well done, does not actually come from ourselves at all. It comes from God himself. We trust him to provide for our needs. We may not get "excess," but we trust him to know and provide for our needs, and therefore the "letting go" of time and commitment to connect with him in worship and to be able to just "be" is actually us acknowledging the sovereignty of God over every single aspect of our lives. Sabbath is meant to be a time of restoration of the things that are the foundation underneath the mere physicality of our bodies. This is what Jesus himself focuses on when he speaks of Sabbath during his days of ministry. Sabbath is a time of RESTORATION of the things that matter. This requires time, discipline and regularity.
Tim Keller likens this to REM sleep of the soul. Sure, you can take 8 one hour naps in a day and say that you've gotten your "8 hours of sleep in." However, any sleep expert will tell you that in order to get the deep RESTORATIVE sleep that your body actually needs, you have to sleep for a certain period of time straight through. The same is true of life. We wonder why a half hour run makes us feel good for a little bit, but doesn't change our overall exhaustion level. Why do our once or twice a year vacations just give life a little shot in the arm to make life feel a bit better, but doesn't change our outlook for long? Why do our nights out give us a small reprieve, but we head back to our commitments and are overwhelmed again?
Because we are "napping" instead of taking regular deep rest. A rest that says, "We are not our work." A rest that brings us back to center REGULARLY. It doesn't have to be a full day, that's not the point. But it's a built in regular time, whether weekly or biweekly, that we sit back and look at what we accomplish and say, "It is good, but it is not my meaning. He has defined who I am. He has paid the price to reconcile me to himself. He has deemed me a loved child in his family. He sees my need and will provide for it. I haven't been lazy, I have done what I can. Now, I will sit and enjoy Him and all he has given me and gaze on his glory...knowing that it is enough for all of life."
We need to find a discipline of rest in our lives. It is built into us, if we don't take a deep breath and rest our souls in Him regularly, we will keep going in our meaningless striving and keep wondering why we are so tired. We were designed for a balance of work and full, deep rest.
I don't know what this looks like for me. I don't know what it looks like for you. I know I'm headed into a busy time in life. I have 3 kids under 3. I have a part time job. I have grad school starting in a couple of weeks. I look at my life and I say, HOW DO I BUILD REST IN?!?! God, don't You know rest will not be possible for me? I'll have assignments, I will have work, I will have kids grabbing at me, a husband who needs me. Don't you see my chaos?...And he whispers back, "Yes. That's why you NEED to come to me and find rest in me. My burden is easy and my yoke is light. Come to me, my child. You need me." I don't have any answers.
But with school starting in a couple of weeks, I believe he has stopped me here on this subject to get me to reflect before I add to my chaos. I need to figure out what building in rest means for me. I have no answers. But as I prepare to write this devotional, I kinda wanted to write my reflections. I think in some ways, I'm scared of rest. I'm scared of reflection. I'd sooner grab for my phone and busy my mind rather than have 15 min of allowing an "inactive" time. Maybe I do believe that the busier I am, or at least the busier I feel, the more my life means. Maybe down time is a scary thing because of what it will reveal about me, or what it reveals about God, or life in general? I don't know why I have such a hard time being quiet. But I can tell you, I am a slave to my own busyness, and I some how get off on it. I like being busy. Slowing down feels like worthless time. But what if slowing down is actually some of the most significant time there is? What if I'm missing some of the beauty and depth of life offered in Him because I don't slow down? What if I do build in time to just "be," to allow the feelings and worship to come in unstructured ways? Will it change me, would it change my life for the better?
But I look at Chick-fil-A's example, and I think, "What do they understand about the Sabbath that the Lord honors? What am I missing?" I know I need to allow the liberation, the trust, and the restoration that an intentional, regular Sabbath brings to truly take hold.
Maybe if we all took a lesson from Chick-fil-A as a culture, our whole culture may be better for it?
I may not be able to change a whole culture, but I know I can start with me. So, I will go forward in these next couple of weeks asking Him what he wants me to do in my days, weeks and years to come. I believe He has brought me to this topic right now for a reason. I need to have a listening ear to see what changes he wants to make in me. And maybe those changes will be the insights I need to write this brief devotional by Tuesday. We shall see.
Any prayers are appreciated.
Saturday, December 3, 2016
The Shepherds: The Mundane Interrupted with Glory
The Advent season is one of my favorite times. I try to find new things each year that renew my awe of Christ coming to earth. I confess, I am frail and human and often forget what a magnificent gift it is that the Creator, the One who spoke things into being, the all-knowing, all-powerful God came down as a baby, growing through each stage of human development in the womb and outside the womb, to come pay a debt we couldn't pay on our own. This truth should disarm me daily, but I, like the Israelites, often forget from whence I came. But every year, the Lord is gracious to me, and shares something new with me that fills me with wonder and who He is and how He works. I wanted to share this year's contemplation.
I was listening to the "God-Centered Mom" podcasts, one of my favorites, because it's like sitting down with another mom who is also broken like me, but tells real stories and interviews real people and it's like having a coffee with a friend. This last week's episode was an interview with Christy Nockels. It was encouraging from beginning to end. But toward the end, she was talking about her new album, "The Thrill of Hope." She tells the following story, as I condense it into a synopsis the best I can:
She said one of the lessons she learned as she took time off of worship leading to be with her kids, was words of wisdom she got from a friend with 9 kids. Christy wondered how she did it all. Christy said her answer was simple, "Invite the Glorious into the mundane."
Later on in time, Christy was waiting for the right inspiration for a song on a Christmas album she wanted to do. She was reading Jewish writings on the story of Jesus' birth and something caught her eye. Apparently, at this time, the sheep raised in and around Bethlehem were specifically raised to be sacrificed by the priests. There were special designations and instructions as to how to raise them and what the procedure was with these sheep. If anyone in that day in age made reference to the sheep of Bethlehem, the person would have known they were making reference to the lambs used for sacrifice for Israel.
However, their life was, what many considered, boring. It was the epitome of mundane. It's the same life day-in and day-out. There were moments of excitement or horror throughout the day, depending on the sheep, but other than that, nothing about their lives really changed. (Sound familiar to any stay at home parent?!) Nonetheless, they knew their work was important in a long-term sense. They kept in the monotonous work, knowing that the work would someday pay dividends.
There were particular parts of their job that were specifically important. One of those things was, when a lamb was born and was "without blemish," the shepherd would IMMEDIATELY swaddle the lamb up in clean linens to keep the lamb "pure." These lambs were especially designated for sacrifice and any swaddled lamb was given special treatment as their life-ending assignment would near. Ultimately, that "perfect lamb" was going to have a definitive end, and the shepherds raised it knowing that fully.
Here's the thing. In the middle of their mundane life, their "monotonous" life and normal daily life made them abnormally cognizant of the knowledge necessary to be translated when the angels appeared! It was the very day-to-day tasks that could be labeled as a "What do you do all day?" kind of lifestyle, that made their ears ready to hear the message God had sent through the angels. Remember, the angel told them, "You will find Him wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger!" Their minds could automatically interpret that because of what they knew from their everyday life! A child wrapped in swaddling clothes would've created a connection with how they cared for those lambs "without blemish!" They could interpret was being said about Jesus. He was the lamb without blemish. He would be the perfect sacrifice that had been promised by the Lord long ago. Their Savior had come, and they knew it! No wonder they were bursting at the seams to get to Jesus and tell everyone! The perfect Lamb had been born, who would be sacrificed, that the sins of all those who believe would be forgiven!
What a humbling thing for me to hear this year! When I get lost in the mundane side of my life, I sometimes think..."Are there dividends? Is there a point? What am I learning here that could benefit His Kingdom?" The story of the shepherds humbled me about Christmas, but also about life as a whole. We are equipped in our day-to-day with knowledge and wisdom that will help us play our particular part in God's story that He's telling. Kids, laundry, play, rest, work of all kinds leads us to being ready for the part that we play. Like the shepherds, we may not know when our knowledge and insight may be needed, but I want to be ready. I don't want to continue to be caught in the lie that just because things can be mundane, that they are useless. I want to invite the Glorious into the mundane.
I am on my knees again this Christmas, so grateful for the knowledge of God, His wisdom and discernment that far outweighs my own. He knew the people to talk to and how to deliver the message to humankind that He wanted to send. I want to move forward, trusting that more and more as time continues to pass. He knows how to speak to me, He knows how to speak to you, and He knows how to speak to anyone and everyone...
And maybe, just maybe, he'll use the mundane to communicate His Glory. I want to be ready.
I was listening to the "God-Centered Mom" podcasts, one of my favorites, because it's like sitting down with another mom who is also broken like me, but tells real stories and interviews real people and it's like having a coffee with a friend. This last week's episode was an interview with Christy Nockels. It was encouraging from beginning to end. But toward the end, she was talking about her new album, "The Thrill of Hope." She tells the following story, as I condense it into a synopsis the best I can:
She said one of the lessons she learned as she took time off of worship leading to be with her kids, was words of wisdom she got from a friend with 9 kids. Christy wondered how she did it all. Christy said her answer was simple, "Invite the Glorious into the mundane."
Later on in time, Christy was waiting for the right inspiration for a song on a Christmas album she wanted to do. She was reading Jewish writings on the story of Jesus' birth and something caught her eye. Apparently, at this time, the sheep raised in and around Bethlehem were specifically raised to be sacrificed by the priests. There were special designations and instructions as to how to raise them and what the procedure was with these sheep. If anyone in that day in age made reference to the sheep of Bethlehem, the person would have known they were making reference to the lambs used for sacrifice for Israel.
However, their life was, what many considered, boring. It was the epitome of mundane. It's the same life day-in and day-out. There were moments of excitement or horror throughout the day, depending on the sheep, but other than that, nothing about their lives really changed. (Sound familiar to any stay at home parent?!) Nonetheless, they knew their work was important in a long-term sense. They kept in the monotonous work, knowing that the work would someday pay dividends.
There were particular parts of their job that were specifically important. One of those things was, when a lamb was born and was "without blemish," the shepherd would IMMEDIATELY swaddle the lamb up in clean linens to keep the lamb "pure." These lambs were especially designated for sacrifice and any swaddled lamb was given special treatment as their life-ending assignment would near. Ultimately, that "perfect lamb" was going to have a definitive end, and the shepherds raised it knowing that fully.
Here's the thing. In the middle of their mundane life, their "monotonous" life and normal daily life made them abnormally cognizant of the knowledge necessary to be translated when the angels appeared! It was the very day-to-day tasks that could be labeled as a "What do you do all day?" kind of lifestyle, that made their ears ready to hear the message God had sent through the angels. Remember, the angel told them, "You will find Him wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger!" Their minds could automatically interpret that because of what they knew from their everyday life! A child wrapped in swaddling clothes would've created a connection with how they cared for those lambs "without blemish!" They could interpret was being said about Jesus. He was the lamb without blemish. He would be the perfect sacrifice that had been promised by the Lord long ago. Their Savior had come, and they knew it! No wonder they were bursting at the seams to get to Jesus and tell everyone! The perfect Lamb had been born, who would be sacrificed, that the sins of all those who believe would be forgiven!
What a humbling thing for me to hear this year! When I get lost in the mundane side of my life, I sometimes think..."Are there dividends? Is there a point? What am I learning here that could benefit His Kingdom?" The story of the shepherds humbled me about Christmas, but also about life as a whole. We are equipped in our day-to-day with knowledge and wisdom that will help us play our particular part in God's story that He's telling. Kids, laundry, play, rest, work of all kinds leads us to being ready for the part that we play. Like the shepherds, we may not know when our knowledge and insight may be needed, but I want to be ready. I don't want to continue to be caught in the lie that just because things can be mundane, that they are useless. I want to invite the Glorious into the mundane.
I am on my knees again this Christmas, so grateful for the knowledge of God, His wisdom and discernment that far outweighs my own. He knew the people to talk to and how to deliver the message to humankind that He wanted to send. I want to move forward, trusting that more and more as time continues to pass. He knows how to speak to me, He knows how to speak to you, and He knows how to speak to anyone and everyone...
And maybe, just maybe, he'll use the mundane to communicate His Glory. I want to be ready.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
The Road to Health & Lessons Learned
"If it were easy, everyone would do it."
This is a phrase my husband has preached to me since day one of this health journey. This road has been long. It's been hard...and it's not over yet.
It started back last Christmas, I went to the doctor for an annual checkup. It had been a rough year to say the least. I had gone back to my coping mechanism of food throughout that year. It was starting to show. My weight was over 200 for the first time in my life. That number may cause some of you to scoff, but for me, I knew I was on a downhill slide and it needed to hit the breaks. I was so distraught by this wake up call, that I told my husband I have to do something.
Throughout that year, we'd had our ups and mainly a lot of downs as a family, but I'm a mom. I tend to self-sacrifice to the point of self-destruction. I am willing to trample most any of my needs for those I care about the most. While that quality has some positives, it also has some deep negatives. See, I've learned that when I deny my own needs, I tend not to talk about them...I glaze over them...until I NEED to "feed" a desire for something that I want. I need to feel like I can respond to something that I want, just to feel like at least I myself hear my own voice and see my own struggles. Therefore, I can indulge on the chips in my closet, the peppermint bark I've stowed away, the Reese's in my bottom drawer. I just want to feel like somebody hears that I want something and responds...even if that responder is me. But the problem is, I wasn't talking about what I needed or wanted because the needs around me that year were "so much greater" than my own needs. Welcome to motherhood, right?
I reached the point of not caring. I was so weighed down (no pun intended) by everything that was going on, I just stuffed my face and decided I didn't care. I really just gave myself permission to basically throw a year-long pity party. "Nobody sees me, but at least I see me, and I'm going to give myself something want." As I look back, honestly, I was suffocating on the inside and it came out in ways that I could CONTROL.
I LIKE CONTROL.
Things outside my control bother me. Everything from that year was outside of my control. So at least I could choose what went in my body and I just wanted to have fun, to let loose, to forget how stressful things were...and it showed on December 23, 2015.
When I saw my weight, I became angry...in a good way. In a motivating way. I reflected on it before Christmas and I finally realized I didn't know who I was, outside of being a mom and wife. That year had been so stressful, they were the only roles I knew. So I sat down with my husband and said, "I need to change. This needs to change. I need to get to being healthy and also...I need some space from being a mom and wife. I need it to actually be a better wife and mom. Can we do something?" He was fully on board. When it came to food, I'm a binger. So I told him, I can't do the Paleo diet all the time. I need periodic breaks, or my binging side will come out. I wanted a full on lifestyle change and not a diet. I wanted something that would work for my life, I had 3 kids under 2 at that time. So for the first month, we did all paleo all the time. My husband told me that for the first month it was a good idea, because I needed to feel hope...I needed to shed weight quickly to get my own heart excited about progress. So over that month I lost about 10 lbs. It was Paleo accompanied by "FitnessBlender" workouts from YouTube every morning Monday-Friday from 6:30ish-7ish. They were short, simple, doable...and as my husband says, "If you work out in the mornings, nothing that happens that day can take that workout success from you." For me, this worked.
After that first month, we went into Paleo from Monday-Friday, and we could eat more liberally over the weekends. This worked well, and continues to. I get periodic breaks with no guilt. This worked well for several months.
Then came my sister-in-law's passing. It was about a month long time of stress and eating out while in California. I just didn't care again. This is always my pattern. I give excuses and stop caring in times of stress. Stress is my trigger. I gained some back. So by the end of August, what had been a 20+ lb loss, went back up 5 lbs. I was so frustrated. I was just starting a new job too, and trying to just get the reins. It took until the second week of September to get back into any sort of groove. I've been back in my groove now for about 6 weeks.
Since January, I'm now down 32 lbs.
Now, looking at that number, you'd think I'd be happy. I am. But here's the thing...I'm so used to being heavier, that I don't even see it...I don't see the progress. I get scared. I get scared when I hit ruts. I'm scared I'm stuck where I am. All of my true and deep insecurities come out in those moments...What if I AM NOT ENOUGH? What if all this is for nothing? What good is work when you just get stuck? Maybe I should just give up? What if it's not just my body failing, what if I'm failing? What if I am a failure?
Even the memory of those thoughts bring tears to my eyes. Here's the thing, those voices have NOTHING to do with weight. It's the health journey that BRINGS OUT ALREADY EXISTING INSECURITY. It doesn't CREATE the insecurity.
This journey brings out all sorts of real battles for me. Real thoughts I've always had or worried about come to the surface. Maybe I'm:
-ugly
-unwantable
-not good for much
-not really an asset to those around me
-just taking up space
-many more
These are real battles. They draw me back to food because food is something I can control. But I've learned something about my body that also applies to life. As my husband says, "Trust the process. Your body was MADE to be happy and healthy and process food well while you're being active. The scale and your feelings don't tell the whole story." This is true for me in life in general. When I look inwardly to try to get answer that only comes Outwardly, from our Reliable Source of Life, I come back to my coping mechanisms in life. I give in to the things I know I shouldn't, just to feel that sense of "control." But when I trust Him, and allow Him to do the GRADUAL work that is making me more Christ-like...even when I don't see progress, I don't see change, and maybe I'm just "stuck" where I am spiritually...I have to trust His process. He will bring me to the goals He has for me, and then He'll take me Home.
Thankfully, I have people who "see" the progress in my life and my body that I do not. My friend Katie told me, "Sometimes, we need friends to speak the truth of what is, into the lies that we tell ourselves or that others tell to us. We need each other." I've always known this is true, but my health journey has now turned my eyes to real life that has nothing to do with the weight. I lie to myself, I allow Satan to lie to me, I allow Satan to use others to lie to me. But I need the friends who come into my life and tell me the truth, whether it's easy or hard to hear. I need Katie to walk up to me and say, "You can really tell how much work you've put in." I need Fumbi to say, "Wow, your wedding pictures make the weight you've lost really obvious." I need Jeremy (my brother from another mother) to walk in my house and say, "You're looking fantastic." I need my husband to say, "Wow, when you turn to the side I can really tell you're slimming down."
I do not need these things in the way that is an elevating of myself or my work, but I need their true sight to fight the lies in my life. God made us for community. There's a reason that when we do life on our own, we find ourselves completely crippled and devoid of emotion and connection. We long for these things. To be clear, we are not to be DEPENDENT on people. Only God can handle being depended on completely. But there is a purpose to having a solid community that surrounds us, that sees the progress God makes in our lives and to call it out for what it is. We need those people to also say, "Hey, it seems that this or this could be improved." We will always stumble and fall, but God is faithful. When we allow Him to do progressive and corrective work in our lives, we have to trust His process and allow others to speak truth into our lives. Sometimes truth feels good, but a lot of times it's hard to hear. But keep trusting God's process, surround yourself with Godly people who encourage and correct you, and always weigh what someone tells you against the Word of God. God is truth. God is love. We need people in our lives who show us both, simultaneously.
Here's to trusting, the process...
Friday, October 7, 2016
God Gives "Just Enough" Trials
I was writing to my mom today as we are reading from a Mother/Daughter book together, and I was reflecting on what I was reading. I looked back over my life as a daughter, more as a girl/woman in general, and realized something I hadn't considered before.
See, people throughout my life have considered me, "The Golden Child." I've been called this in the past on several occasions. I wasn't ever really sure as to why. I definitely have my own struggles, and man, if you could see the thoughts in my heart sometimes, you'd truly be appalled and potentially question my faith. But I look back and I see God's grace throughout my life. Especially when it comes to my life circumstances.
I kid you not, the Lord has rescued me from myself on many occasions. I can give several examples. When I went to Spain for a semester in college, I wanted to party like most of my friends. I wanted to be able to just let loose. No one was looking anyway. Who would know? The thing was God looked at me and said, "This is not for you." I would LITERALLY get physically nauseous the couple of times I even tried to go out. One guy tried to get in my business and literally the Gospel in Spanish came pouring out of my mouth. WHAT THE WHAT?! The Lord rescued me from potentially poor choices there, and I'm still not sure why, but as an adult I'm grateful for His grace. Another example, I was interested in a guy once who was absolutely no good. But no matter what I did, he and I were never on the same page. He liked me during one period where I didn't feel that way, and then the roles would flip flop. It's crazy. I HAD to part ways with him eventually, and it turns out the Lord had given him a dream of the conversation the night before in the exact room where I ended up having the conversation where we parted ways. That's nuts. I have a plethora of these kinds of stories that I now look back on and am so grateful for God's divine intervention.
However, I've also been allowed to make very poor choices and judgment calls as well. I've been allowed to have trials...because of an unexplained incident with my daughter when she was a baby, we've had Child Protective Services, detectives and social workers in our home for 7 months straight while being supervised 24/7 with our kids because someone had to LIVE WITH US for several months! The aftermath of that was weight gain and stress galore in my house where plenty of mistakes were made. I was recently let go from my nursery job that I'd held for the last two years...I'd never been let go from a job in my life. We purchased our first home that was WAY out of our price range and it took us a year and a half to realize it. It therefore led to us losing the majority of our large down payment because of the price difference between that house and the one we bought after that we could've afforded and our down payment would have covered a lot of the home itself. I've been allowed to crash and burn on many occasions. I have a plethora of these stories too.
But you know what I realized as I was typing an email to my mom? I realized the Lord had always allowed me to make enough bad choices and to endure just enough trials to turn me back to Him. He would take just enough from me to keep me safe from things I didn't need to endure to turn my heart to Him. But he allowed just enough to bring me absolutely to my knees to acknowledge how weak I am in myself and how desperately I need Him. I've been given "just enough" to bring me back to the path He desires for me.
Why is my story the story God's chosen to work through? I'm not sure. I'll never have an answer as to why my path looks the way it does. But I rest in knowing that the God who has given me "just enough" to bring me back to Him will continue to do so. The trials He allows as well as the mistakes He grants me make will always bring me back to the Cross, the only true level playing field. The only place of true humility of spirit and unity with the Father. And while I wouldn't want to repeat any of my trials, I also would take back for a moment the intimacy with the Father I've gained in the process...and that's what I want to pass on to my girls. He know them even better than I do or than they know themselves. He knows what it will take to get their attention. It may not be on my timeline, but He knows how to turn them back toward Him in their hearts. I have to entrust their journey to Him. He will also allow them to experience "just enough" and then their responsibility is to respond. I must allow God to care for them as He has for me.
See, people throughout my life have considered me, "The Golden Child." I've been called this in the past on several occasions. I wasn't ever really sure as to why. I definitely have my own struggles, and man, if you could see the thoughts in my heart sometimes, you'd truly be appalled and potentially question my faith. But I look back and I see God's grace throughout my life. Especially when it comes to my life circumstances.
I kid you not, the Lord has rescued me from myself on many occasions. I can give several examples. When I went to Spain for a semester in college, I wanted to party like most of my friends. I wanted to be able to just let loose. No one was looking anyway. Who would know? The thing was God looked at me and said, "This is not for you." I would LITERALLY get physically nauseous the couple of times I even tried to go out. One guy tried to get in my business and literally the Gospel in Spanish came pouring out of my mouth. WHAT THE WHAT?! The Lord rescued me from potentially poor choices there, and I'm still not sure why, but as an adult I'm grateful for His grace. Another example, I was interested in a guy once who was absolutely no good. But no matter what I did, he and I were never on the same page. He liked me during one period where I didn't feel that way, and then the roles would flip flop. It's crazy. I HAD to part ways with him eventually, and it turns out the Lord had given him a dream of the conversation the night before in the exact room where I ended up having the conversation where we parted ways. That's nuts. I have a plethora of these kinds of stories that I now look back on and am so grateful for God's divine intervention.
However, I've also been allowed to make very poor choices and judgment calls as well. I've been allowed to have trials...because of an unexplained incident with my daughter when she was a baby, we've had Child Protective Services, detectives and social workers in our home for 7 months straight while being supervised 24/7 with our kids because someone had to LIVE WITH US for several months! The aftermath of that was weight gain and stress galore in my house where plenty of mistakes were made. I was recently let go from my nursery job that I'd held for the last two years...I'd never been let go from a job in my life. We purchased our first home that was WAY out of our price range and it took us a year and a half to realize it. It therefore led to us losing the majority of our large down payment because of the price difference between that house and the one we bought after that we could've afforded and our down payment would have covered a lot of the home itself. I've been allowed to crash and burn on many occasions. I have a plethora of these stories too.
But you know what I realized as I was typing an email to my mom? I realized the Lord had always allowed me to make enough bad choices and to endure just enough trials to turn me back to Him. He would take just enough from me to keep me safe from things I didn't need to endure to turn my heart to Him. But he allowed just enough to bring me absolutely to my knees to acknowledge how weak I am in myself and how desperately I need Him. I've been given "just enough" to bring me back to the path He desires for me.
Why is my story the story God's chosen to work through? I'm not sure. I'll never have an answer as to why my path looks the way it does. But I rest in knowing that the God who has given me "just enough" to bring me back to Him will continue to do so. The trials He allows as well as the mistakes He grants me make will always bring me back to the Cross, the only true level playing field. The only place of true humility of spirit and unity with the Father. And while I wouldn't want to repeat any of my trials, I also would take back for a moment the intimacy with the Father I've gained in the process...and that's what I want to pass on to my girls. He know them even better than I do or than they know themselves. He knows what it will take to get their attention. It may not be on my timeline, but He knows how to turn them back toward Him in their hearts. I have to entrust their journey to Him. He will also allow them to experience "just enough" and then their responsibility is to respond. I must allow God to care for them as He has for me.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Fear of Failure + Perfectionism = Lethal Combo
I own a magnet that says, "Always make new mistakes." I thought it was a profound statement in the middle of Barnes & Noble, so I bought it. The problem with my own mindset at the time was...I really didn't want to allow myself to make any mistakes...AT ALL.
See, I want to do everything right, the first time around. I don't want to make mistakes. I don't usually struggle with owning up to the mistakes I've made. As I've been told, "I'm sorry" is probably my most common phrase in all of my vocabulary. Arguably, I apologize for things I shouldn't apologize for (which is another problem entirely that I also struggle with). However, I hate mistakes. More accurately, I hate failing. I loathe failing. Fear of failure has paralyzed me throughout my life. Let me give an example:
At about the age of 10, I ruined jello. Not only did the pot of gelatin overflow, but I put ice cubes in it to cool it faster and it turned into a lake. I was mortified. Now, this is obviously an age of culinary excellence (note the sarcasm), so obviously this shouldn't define my life. But it did. I was PETRIFIED of cooking. I swore to everyone who knew me, I couldn't cook. An ice cube has a better chance in hell than I had of being a good cook. Seriously. It was that serious to me. I'd taken one itty bitty failure in my elementary years and had it change my life. Even looking at that phrasing now, it looks absolutely absurd. But rather than taking that failure and having it fuel a fire to try again, I just gave up. It was easier at that point to give up than to potentially try again and fail yet again. What if I just kept failing? You know what, in my mind, it wasn't worth the risk of failing again. I'll just quit. So I did...for over 15 years.
It wasn't until I dated a chef, who pressed me as to why I didn't attempt to cook, that I had to give my embarrassing answer. I'd ruined jello, therefore, I can't cook. To say the least, he looked at me like I was crazy. He just said, "Look, I'm coming over for dinner and I'm not cooking. Find a recipe and just try it, let's see what happens." I'm not kidding you, my heart jumped in my throat and I started shaking I was so nervous. I found a cookbook I had (now, why I had a cookbook as a person who as scared to death of cooking is still beyond me). I looked up what ended up being a simpler version of chicken paella, and thought I'd enjoyed paella in Spain so maybe that would give me some extra motivation. What I didn't realize was paella requires saffron. Saffron is a spice with very specific instructions in order to use it correctly. I didn't know that until I asked the lady at the store, telling her I'd never cooked before and I needed to find saffron in the store. The lady looked at me with a very surprised look. She said, "Saffron? For your first time cooking? You're brave." She got me to the section, told me how to steep it correctly and I went home realizing I may have bitten off more than I could chew. But guess what? My high end chef boyfriend was amazed. He said, "You have cooked both the chicken and the rice perfectly! That's so hard, you don't even know! How have you believed all this time that you couldn't cook?" I told him, "Well, I just followed the recipe." He said, "But that's how it starts! You'll get used to it and start getting creative. You need to continue trying."
That encounter changed my life and my view of myself. All of a sudden, I'd realized how much I had let me fear take over to the point of insanity. I wouldn't try something because I'd already failed once. So that failure, therefore, must define me. I still struggle to this day with this. I haven't conquered it. But it took one person challenging me and not letting me duck out that changed the trajectory of my life and thought process about myself.
So not only do I have a fear of failure, but it's compounded by a natural inclination toward perfectionism. Not only do I want to do things right, but I want them done right the FIRST time. Whenever I fail the first time around, I get really angry and self-shaming. I think, "You should've done this, or you should've done that..." It's probably some of that "first born"-ness in me. Super responsible to the point of absurdity. This is absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention, unrealistic! I wouldn't ever want my kids thinking that way about themselves, to be honest. I would want them to realize that mistakes are part of life, failure is part of life, and we must learn from our mistakes and recalibrate for the future! Have you ever thought that? "If someone else thought the way that I think, I'd be like, 'You're crazy! Stop it!.'" I do that a fair amount.
These two things, fear of failure and perfectionism, are absolutely paralyzing as a combination. They've stopped me from growing, from trying new things, from getting up and dusting myself off and so much more. I don't know what opportunities I've missed in life because I'm afraid to try and fail. It can be small things, like my husband wants me to try rock climbing. Instead of saying, "Oh, that'd be fun, let's try it!" My first thought is, "I'm not strong enough. I can't do it. I'll probably fail at it." It can range from small things like that to much bigger things like being afraid to make mistakes in reference to my kids' discipline. "What if I do it wrong? What if I make them bitter toward me via discipline? What if I don't discipline them enough and then they think anything goes? What if I fail as their life coach/parent?" It paralyzes me in moments that are key learning moments because I'm so afraid of failing them.
Because of my natural inclinations toward these two things, it is so, so, so hard to see that mistakes are okay. It's so hard to give myself grace, and realize that part of relationship with my kids is actually the forgiveness wronged. I'm human. I make mistakes. I hit roadblocks and stunted growth. I have highs and lows. It's all part of life. My fear of failure and simultaneous perfectionism are crippling at times. They can rule my life, if I let them. But the Lord has sent me just the right people at just the right times in my life to help me grow out of my fear that keeps me cowering in a corner and out into the light of new possibilities.
I'm now married to a man who's taught me a lot about not giving up. It's brought me to a whole new level personally. The biggest learning curve of my life has been in wanting to get healthy and get stronger. He has seen me as I continue this journey. For those of you who have been following my journey with all its ups and downs, I started at Christmas with a huge kick in the pants for me personally. I went to have my yearly check up. Not only had I had 3 babies in two years, but that entire year up until last Christmas was one of the craziest of my life. Needless to say, I ate to cope. I went into the doctor and for the first time in my life, I was over 200 lbs. My first temptation was to go back to my fear of failure mindset, "Nothing's every going to change. I might as well give up. My life is too stressful and I can't handle it." Then, there was a little tap on my heart. The Lord inclined my heart...something needed to change.
I told Jason and he started to work out with me every morning from M-F with simple workout videos from YouTube before the kids got up in the morning. He didn't pressure me. He just wanted to support me once I made the decision to change...he'd never even hinted that I was fat or ugly to him, in fact, it was always the opposite. But he let me decide. On top of working out, we did the Paleo diet during the week, and ate whatever we wanted on the weekends. This worked well for my "fear of failure" mindset. I have a sweet tooth. If deprived for a long time, I was afraid I'd binge and be tempted to give up again. So I remained consistent during the week, and the weekends had some more flexibility. But my journey was a big dip at the beginning at got stuck for a month at 185. 185 had been my consistent weight for several years. I felt my fear of failure creep up. It told me, "There's no change in one, two, three, four weeks. You might as well just give up. There's no use." But my husband came alongside of me and basically told me, "Yeah, you could do that, you could give up. But if you keep pushing, you'll see change. You just have to wait sometimes, but it will come." It kept me going.
Then I watched the show STRONG on TV. I'd been so weight-obsessed before that point, that the scale was what got me down. Yes, I knew in my head that the scale doesn't tell the whole story. But I'm a person of measurement. I LIKE numbers, I like goals, I like tangibility. But I watch these women, a couple of them in particular, and talking about, "I've never felt this strong before. I didn't even know I could be strong at all. I'm just a mom." It was the kick in the pants I needed then and I wanted to be strong like them. So instead of weight, I made strength the goal. It changed everything again. The temptation was there to give up, it's always present, but now the pull isn't as strong. I believe the reason is because I fought the voice, day after day, I didn't want to give in. I wanted to refuse to give in.
The other thing, though, was that I did give in at times. I ate things I shouldn't have. I didn't do all the workouts or walks with the kids I wanted to do. But I realized that the self-shaming was not only not motivating at ALL, but rather it did the opposite! I was so hard on myself, "Oh, you gave in, well, you're going to give in eventually, so you might as well just give up now and keep eating and never go on walks." Shame didn't motivate me past my fear of failure. Shame is a TERRIBLE motivator. So, the Lord reminded me, "Is that how you think I see you? Do you think I shake my finger at you and make you cower in a corner in guilt and shame? NO! I want to pick you up (maybe some discipline involved) and keep moving ahead. I don't want you to be paralyzed. I want you to keep moving." I saw God's love for me with new eyes when I had this realization. He saw the brutal truth of who I was, but graciously picks me up and moves me forward to be more like Him. I started to show myself some of the grace Jesus was showing me. "Oops, you made a mistake. Well, why not try to get a few extra kettlebell swings in? Or why not be a little more strict with yourself during the weekend? Or what if you accept the mistake and move on in your normal pattern just noting the mistake?"
I'm telling you, those three things have taught me so much: Jason's encouragement to get up and keep going, the desire to feel STRONG instead of small, and the grace to let go of mistakes made and move forward...it has helped the voices of fear of failure and my perfectionism become a lot quieter over these last months. I still had my failures, I struggled during our vacation times, during the time in California before Kari passed, and in other spots. Yes, I gained weight back...but I didn't let the weight gain define me anymore. I had this underlying confidence that: yes that happened, yes it's real life, yes things are messy (including getting stronger and healthier), but I will pick up the mantel when I get home and start over and put in the necessary work. I will not give up.
This journey has been 9 months in the making. I'm down to 174 as of this morning and plan to keep fighting to feel healthier and stronger. I'm starting to see the muscles in my arms again. I love the energy that comes with being healthy. It's a big motivation to keep going. But I also see my own improvements in the areas of strength as well (my 3 minute plank still rocks! :)). But there are days where I still eat things I shouldn't, or don't get my workouts in. But those days of failure define me a little less than the day before. The voice is still there. The perfectionism in my cringes when trying to do a pushup on the rings in our basement and my elbow buckles for some odd reason. But I don't want to give up. I don't want to live a life a fear and perfection that makes me miss out on things in life and relationships. So the voices are still there. They always will be. BUT they don't hold as much sway as they used to...and the only reason that is, is because I fight them every day, building up the muscles in my own mind and heart. The Lord has strengthened my resolve in the battle. It's not easy. It never has been easy for me. But I've learned I'm a fighter. I've learned that fear and obsession with perfection in myself have been some of my most crippling characteristics. But God, in His grace, is showing me a new way. I don't have it all figured out, but I know He does, and I just desire to keep walking with Him.
See, I want to do everything right, the first time around. I don't want to make mistakes. I don't usually struggle with owning up to the mistakes I've made. As I've been told, "I'm sorry" is probably my most common phrase in all of my vocabulary. Arguably, I apologize for things I shouldn't apologize for (which is another problem entirely that I also struggle with). However, I hate mistakes. More accurately, I hate failing. I loathe failing. Fear of failure has paralyzed me throughout my life. Let me give an example:
At about the age of 10, I ruined jello. Not only did the pot of gelatin overflow, but I put ice cubes in it to cool it faster and it turned into a lake. I was mortified. Now, this is obviously an age of culinary excellence (note the sarcasm), so obviously this shouldn't define my life. But it did. I was PETRIFIED of cooking. I swore to everyone who knew me, I couldn't cook. An ice cube has a better chance in hell than I had of being a good cook. Seriously. It was that serious to me. I'd taken one itty bitty failure in my elementary years and had it change my life. Even looking at that phrasing now, it looks absolutely absurd. But rather than taking that failure and having it fuel a fire to try again, I just gave up. It was easier at that point to give up than to potentially try again and fail yet again. What if I just kept failing? You know what, in my mind, it wasn't worth the risk of failing again. I'll just quit. So I did...for over 15 years.
It wasn't until I dated a chef, who pressed me as to why I didn't attempt to cook, that I had to give my embarrassing answer. I'd ruined jello, therefore, I can't cook. To say the least, he looked at me like I was crazy. He just said, "Look, I'm coming over for dinner and I'm not cooking. Find a recipe and just try it, let's see what happens." I'm not kidding you, my heart jumped in my throat and I started shaking I was so nervous. I found a cookbook I had (now, why I had a cookbook as a person who as scared to death of cooking is still beyond me). I looked up what ended up being a simpler version of chicken paella, and thought I'd enjoyed paella in Spain so maybe that would give me some extra motivation. What I didn't realize was paella requires saffron. Saffron is a spice with very specific instructions in order to use it correctly. I didn't know that until I asked the lady at the store, telling her I'd never cooked before and I needed to find saffron in the store. The lady looked at me with a very surprised look. She said, "Saffron? For your first time cooking? You're brave." She got me to the section, told me how to steep it correctly and I went home realizing I may have bitten off more than I could chew. But guess what? My high end chef boyfriend was amazed. He said, "You have cooked both the chicken and the rice perfectly! That's so hard, you don't even know! How have you believed all this time that you couldn't cook?" I told him, "Well, I just followed the recipe." He said, "But that's how it starts! You'll get used to it and start getting creative. You need to continue trying."
That encounter changed my life and my view of myself. All of a sudden, I'd realized how much I had let me fear take over to the point of insanity. I wouldn't try something because I'd already failed once. So that failure, therefore, must define me. I still struggle to this day with this. I haven't conquered it. But it took one person challenging me and not letting me duck out that changed the trajectory of my life and thought process about myself.
So not only do I have a fear of failure, but it's compounded by a natural inclination toward perfectionism. Not only do I want to do things right, but I want them done right the FIRST time. Whenever I fail the first time around, I get really angry and self-shaming. I think, "You should've done this, or you should've done that..." It's probably some of that "first born"-ness in me. Super responsible to the point of absurdity. This is absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention, unrealistic! I wouldn't ever want my kids thinking that way about themselves, to be honest. I would want them to realize that mistakes are part of life, failure is part of life, and we must learn from our mistakes and recalibrate for the future! Have you ever thought that? "If someone else thought the way that I think, I'd be like, 'You're crazy! Stop it!.'" I do that a fair amount.
These two things, fear of failure and perfectionism, are absolutely paralyzing as a combination. They've stopped me from growing, from trying new things, from getting up and dusting myself off and so much more. I don't know what opportunities I've missed in life because I'm afraid to try and fail. It can be small things, like my husband wants me to try rock climbing. Instead of saying, "Oh, that'd be fun, let's try it!" My first thought is, "I'm not strong enough. I can't do it. I'll probably fail at it." It can range from small things like that to much bigger things like being afraid to make mistakes in reference to my kids' discipline. "What if I do it wrong? What if I make them bitter toward me via discipline? What if I don't discipline them enough and then they think anything goes? What if I fail as their life coach/parent?" It paralyzes me in moments that are key learning moments because I'm so afraid of failing them.
Because of my natural inclinations toward these two things, it is so, so, so hard to see that mistakes are okay. It's so hard to give myself grace, and realize that part of relationship with my kids is actually the forgiveness wronged. I'm human. I make mistakes. I hit roadblocks and stunted growth. I have highs and lows. It's all part of life. My fear of failure and simultaneous perfectionism are crippling at times. They can rule my life, if I let them. But the Lord has sent me just the right people at just the right times in my life to help me grow out of my fear that keeps me cowering in a corner and out into the light of new possibilities.
I'm now married to a man who's taught me a lot about not giving up. It's brought me to a whole new level personally. The biggest learning curve of my life has been in wanting to get healthy and get stronger. He has seen me as I continue this journey. For those of you who have been following my journey with all its ups and downs, I started at Christmas with a huge kick in the pants for me personally. I went to have my yearly check up. Not only had I had 3 babies in two years, but that entire year up until last Christmas was one of the craziest of my life. Needless to say, I ate to cope. I went into the doctor and for the first time in my life, I was over 200 lbs. My first temptation was to go back to my fear of failure mindset, "Nothing's every going to change. I might as well give up. My life is too stressful and I can't handle it." Then, there was a little tap on my heart. The Lord inclined my heart...something needed to change.
I told Jason and he started to work out with me every morning from M-F with simple workout videos from YouTube before the kids got up in the morning. He didn't pressure me. He just wanted to support me once I made the decision to change...he'd never even hinted that I was fat or ugly to him, in fact, it was always the opposite. But he let me decide. On top of working out, we did the Paleo diet during the week, and ate whatever we wanted on the weekends. This worked well for my "fear of failure" mindset. I have a sweet tooth. If deprived for a long time, I was afraid I'd binge and be tempted to give up again. So I remained consistent during the week, and the weekends had some more flexibility. But my journey was a big dip at the beginning at got stuck for a month at 185. 185 had been my consistent weight for several years. I felt my fear of failure creep up. It told me, "There's no change in one, two, three, four weeks. You might as well just give up. There's no use." But my husband came alongside of me and basically told me, "Yeah, you could do that, you could give up. But if you keep pushing, you'll see change. You just have to wait sometimes, but it will come." It kept me going.
Then I watched the show STRONG on TV. I'd been so weight-obsessed before that point, that the scale was what got me down. Yes, I knew in my head that the scale doesn't tell the whole story. But I'm a person of measurement. I LIKE numbers, I like goals, I like tangibility. But I watch these women, a couple of them in particular, and talking about, "I've never felt this strong before. I didn't even know I could be strong at all. I'm just a mom." It was the kick in the pants I needed then and I wanted to be strong like them. So instead of weight, I made strength the goal. It changed everything again. The temptation was there to give up, it's always present, but now the pull isn't as strong. I believe the reason is because I fought the voice, day after day, I didn't want to give in. I wanted to refuse to give in.
The other thing, though, was that I did give in at times. I ate things I shouldn't have. I didn't do all the workouts or walks with the kids I wanted to do. But I realized that the self-shaming was not only not motivating at ALL, but rather it did the opposite! I was so hard on myself, "Oh, you gave in, well, you're going to give in eventually, so you might as well just give up now and keep eating and never go on walks." Shame didn't motivate me past my fear of failure. Shame is a TERRIBLE motivator. So, the Lord reminded me, "Is that how you think I see you? Do you think I shake my finger at you and make you cower in a corner in guilt and shame? NO! I want to pick you up (maybe some discipline involved) and keep moving ahead. I don't want you to be paralyzed. I want you to keep moving." I saw God's love for me with new eyes when I had this realization. He saw the brutal truth of who I was, but graciously picks me up and moves me forward to be more like Him. I started to show myself some of the grace Jesus was showing me. "Oops, you made a mistake. Well, why not try to get a few extra kettlebell swings in? Or why not be a little more strict with yourself during the weekend? Or what if you accept the mistake and move on in your normal pattern just noting the mistake?"
I'm telling you, those three things have taught me so much: Jason's encouragement to get up and keep going, the desire to feel STRONG instead of small, and the grace to let go of mistakes made and move forward...it has helped the voices of fear of failure and my perfectionism become a lot quieter over these last months. I still had my failures, I struggled during our vacation times, during the time in California before Kari passed, and in other spots. Yes, I gained weight back...but I didn't let the weight gain define me anymore. I had this underlying confidence that: yes that happened, yes it's real life, yes things are messy (including getting stronger and healthier), but I will pick up the mantel when I get home and start over and put in the necessary work. I will not give up.
This journey has been 9 months in the making. I'm down to 174 as of this morning and plan to keep fighting to feel healthier and stronger. I'm starting to see the muscles in my arms again. I love the energy that comes with being healthy. It's a big motivation to keep going. But I also see my own improvements in the areas of strength as well (my 3 minute plank still rocks! :)). But there are days where I still eat things I shouldn't, or don't get my workouts in. But those days of failure define me a little less than the day before. The voice is still there. The perfectionism in my cringes when trying to do a pushup on the rings in our basement and my elbow buckles for some odd reason. But I don't want to give up. I don't want to live a life a fear and perfection that makes me miss out on things in life and relationships. So the voices are still there. They always will be. BUT they don't hold as much sway as they used to...and the only reason that is, is because I fight them every day, building up the muscles in my own mind and heart. The Lord has strengthened my resolve in the battle. It's not easy. It never has been easy for me. But I've learned I'm a fighter. I've learned that fear and obsession with perfection in myself have been some of my most crippling characteristics. But God, in His grace, is showing me a new way. I don't have it all figured out, but I know He does, and I just desire to keep walking with Him.
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