God is working on me on my own sin awareness, this is my stream of consciousness on the subject as it stands now.
I wish I took my own sin more seriously. I often have thoughts on the sins and missteps of those I know and see myself reflecting the thoughts of the Pharisees..."Here's the letter of the law and your actions do not measure up." Swift condemnation for the actions of others, while not judging the thoughts of my own heart with the same measuring stick. In fact, I often use the actions of others to justify myself. I think, "Well, at least I don't [fill in the blank]." I completely excuse or downplay my own thoughts and behaviors toward other Image Bearers of Christ (any living breathing human being, no matter how deplorable their actions are to me), and guess what? My ego gets a kick out of that. I feel superior, and I like that. It makes me feel that on the my perceived "sliding scale" of sin, at least I'm higher on it than other people. I'm a whitewashed tomb. I look nice on the outside, while I refuse to look at the bones on the inside. My sin makes me dead without Christ. Period.
Today, I've started to pray for seeing the depth of my sin and that I would view the sin with the grief that I should. Little did I realize how quickly the Lord would take me up on that. I was going through my list of podcasts as I cleaned today and two in a row were on the depths of sin (I'd not heard a podcast on that topic in well over a year, and here were two) and the importance of confession. I was not prepared for the tears that would flow as the Lord allowed my children to play happily outside together as I was cleaning and folding laundry just listening away.
The first podcast was called, "Still Sinning After All These Years." *GULP* While there were many points that affected me, to the point I will keep that podcast and re-listen at several points in the future, the one that stood out to me the most was how we look at Adam and Eve, and so rarely see ourselves in them. Blame is so quickly passed. Excuses made. Sin is so easily downplayed in ourselves. But we often recognize the slightest blemish on others. Instead of seeking to bring the relationship with Christ back into congruence, we like and relish in our sins and often don't realize it. It's the epitome of taking the log out of your own eye before dealing with the speck in someone else's eye. But here's the thing, I often look at others and say, "Well, sure, I did *this,* but at least I'm not as bad as *that person*" or, "Well, here's the reason I did that. I wasn't caught so it's okay. Sure, God sees everything, but I'm forgiven anyway. So I'll just move on." I don't want to deal with my sin. I don't want to see how broken it makes me. I don't want to look at my thoughts of anger, jealousy, greed as anything more than blips on the proverbial radar of life. I don't want to look at my mountain of sin. I want to see the sins of others and feel justified in my anger. Because what my friend did was wrong, what that politician did was wrong, and I have little to no mercy in my judgments. It's not that they aren't wrong, but the truth is the LOG in my own eye is completely ignored...but my judgment of others is swift, condemning and self-righteous. I look and Adam and Eve and say, "Well, that's just dumb. You all are blame shifting and wanting to look down on others. You need to take a deep look at yourselves first before making such swift condemnation of the other." Oh wait, have I mentioned I don't do that to myself? I never hold myself to the same standards as others. My heart is so deeply sinful that this asking the Lord to help me see it is absolutely terrifying. I'm listening to these "happenstance" podcasts today and I find myself in them. I want to see my sin the way God does, because if I do not, I will miss more of the depths of the grace of the Gospel. I can't see how deep the love and grace for me really go until I begin the plumb the depths of my own sin, self-righteous and self-justifying condemnations of others, and own up to what is truly mine. The truth is, I don't even know how truly deep the possibilities of sin and evil things of which I am capable even go! I need to experience grief for my sin, see His grace for what it is, and then personify that grace to others. But if I don't know the cesspool of sin in my heart, no wonder my judgment of others is so quick and my grace-giving is so slow.
Not only do I need awareness of my sin, but I need to know the importance of confession (something I had not asked for in my original prayer this morning). The other podcast was called "Confessing Our Way to Joy." In the podcast, he gives an illustration of his son and grandson and an interaction they'd had after the boy had done something he knew he wasn't supposed to do. After the discipline had been administered, dad held his son as he cried. Over the next few minutes, the dad felt his son's body relax. Then, out of nowhere, the cries started anew and even harder than before. Dad asked, "Buddy, why are you crying?" He said, "I'm not the boy I want to be. I keep doing what I'm not supposed to do." His dad said to him, "You know what? I know exactly how you feel. I do wrong things a lot too, and I wish I could be as good as I want to be. But you know, that's why we both need Jesus so badly." The speaker then reiterated, it is within the power of the security and love of the relationship with the Father that our own sin truly grieves us. Just as the boy was only initially sorry for his immediate actions, it was within the love and security of the father that he saw his on propensities and acknowledged them for what they were because they were so clearly in view. But this is what the Gospel is. When we know how truly broken we are, and experience that in the care of Christ, there is a freedom that comes in confession.
Research shows that the need to confess is in all of us, whether it comes out in conversation, in diaries, in talks with a priest, etc. When we know we have done wrong, it feels pent up...like a lion pacing around just waiting for the cage to open. But once it is out, there is a freedom that we often feel. Why is this? There's something in us that knows we are broken. We know we are wrong. It's how we deal with it, that stems directly from our worldview, that shows what we truly believe about the world. As a follower of Christ, we know why guilt and shame plague us. Our Story tells us why. We know we have broken our relationship with God, it is the Image of God in us that cries out for rectification of the relationship. In order for sin to be dealt with, it requires both an awareness of the sin and the confession of such in a Loving and Secure Relationship with our Father that is our starting point. It's His authentic love for us that makes us feel how deeply our sin impacts Him, how much it breaks His heart. I know that I need more awareness of the pain and brokenness that my own sins, presumptions, assumption, loose words or actions, etc. bring my God who loves me and gave everything for me, and then once I have the assurance of His love, it empowers me to show both truth and grace to those around me who are broken as well.
But I need to start with me. It's not that others aren't broken and sinful too, but if I don't plumb the depths of my own soul, I will just continue to swing the log in my own eye around. I don't want to be that person. I want to walk more humbly with my God and with others. I suppose brokenness is probably the best first stepping stone toward authentic humility.
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