I was present at a training today in which I was deeply convicted about a few things and I needed an outlet to be able to process the wrestling within me.
Today I went to a training on Shame. I always appreciate gleaning wisdom from those more experienced than myself and was looking forward to the topic to help me help others. Little did I know how much this whole topic would affect me.
While guilt says what I did was wrong, shame says I am what is wrong. My life has been wrought with shame at times. Now, just to be clear, we would never want to get rid of all shame, because people without shame as a deterrent are what we call either psychotic or a sociopath. However, I feel like a lot of my life has been characterized by shame. I have wondered if I was enough, or if I was loved outside of how I behaved. Maybe, if I'd done enough wrong things people wouldn't love me. So I have strived for a lot of my life to be what others have needed me to be, on top of holding myself to incredibly high standards. It has kept me from taking risks because I feared failure deep in my soul. What if I wasn't enough? What if I didn't get it? What if I failed? I am not sufficient for this task.
I remember a lot of these internal messages for a lot of my life. I, therefore, have not risked a lot throughout my life unless I was confident I could handle whatever would come my way. One example of a way I did risk was I traveled a lot and learned other languages because I thought it was fun and I could do it. In fact, I always kinda joked I liked getting lost in new cities because I knew I would find my way back to where I need to be eventually. I had confidence that I was capable of handling whatever came in these new places, so it didn't bother me.
But it was common in my life for most of what I did to be a calculated risk because I needed to believe I was enough to face the challenges that may come. I used to write this off to a lack of self-confidence, but after the talk today, I think it may be much deeper than that.
Shame is the deeply-seated fear of disconnection (Brown, 2012). We were made for connection with other humans, this is both biblical and practical wisdom. We know from studies of Scripture and neurobiological research that our brains and bodies were made for connection with others. When connection is lacking, when we feel lost and alone, we reach out for connection. This can be to self, other, truth or person of God.
The thing about having REAL and LASTING connection is that you have to make yourself able to be seen. This is called, vulnerability, and it is not easy and often is avoided. See this link for Brene Brown's short TED talk on this subject, it could be very impactful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
When we sense or fear a loss of connection, shame comes on quickly. You can see this in a small child who reaches their hands up to an adult and being told verbally or nonverbally "no," they hang their head and lose all facial expression. This happens for adults as well in relationship with others, it just isn't physically seen most of the time (like reaching out physically, it's often nonverbal or with words) When we reach for the other and perceive they are not there or are unresponsive, a sense of shame will swoop in quickly.
Shame is highly correlated with all sorts of human struggles. The ones that weigh on me today are my tendencies toward perfectionism as well as my emotional eating. I've known for a long time that I struggle with both of these. But today in training, Dr. Green talked about how perfectionism is actually reaching out for a connection. Once you connect with a goal, you move to the next highest goal because there is a felt need to "strive" toward connection, once the goal is completed, the fear of not connecting again means that you move to the next goal to "connect" again. If you stop striving, you fear that you stop connecting. And then, you have to get a bigger goal to give you the same "calming of the connection need" affect...you need a higher "high." This has been the story of so much of my life, and I have NEVER seen it as a fear of losing connection. But honestly, it feels like I know it's true, in my heart of hearts. While I'm becoming educated in things like this for my line of work, this is new information for me and I'm realizing that I need movement from my head knowledge to my heart.
The other thing was, as soon as I felt the stress of dealing with the above named issue, I started to crave sugar, specifically the donuts on the table at this meeting. All of a sudden I realized, when I'm in fear, I'm reaching out for something to console me...WAIT...I'M REACHING FOR CONNECTION, AGAIN! It was like this huge light bulb, these two hang ups have been an attempt at establishing connection with something when I fear I am not enough, or the "worthiness factor" as Brene Brown (2012) puts it...
I am scared to death that I'm not worthy of love and that I have to either fight to get it (perfectionism) or I need to just "feel better" (emotional eating). I'm realizing that I reach out for these tangible things the more disconnected I feel from myself, other, truth or God.
This is potentially life changing for me. To realize that in the moments where I'm striving the hardest for the next goal or craving whatever food at whatever time, instead of asking "what's wrong with me?" I need to ask, "Why am I feeling so disconnected? What can I do? Who can I reach out to instead of that donut?"
I honestly don't know where to go or what to do next. But I feel like this may have opened up some huge areas for me to explore. I believe at this point, I'm going to work on figuring out a contingency plan for moments where I feel almost obsessive about goals or about food (maybe contacting my husband or a friend via text, etc.), knowing now that reestablishing connection could very much help in these moments.
At any rate, this is me. This is vulnerability. I may appear strong on the outside, but I need to learn that it's okay to not be okay and surround myself with people who are also okay with me not being okay. For now, this is what I know and I'm praying I can start making changes.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
Friday, October 26, 2018
Allowing the Self to Admit Struggles Out Loud (Self-Compassion)
As long as I can remember, I have focused on being a strong person for others. This came through as downplaying my own wants or needs in the face of others "needing me." I've always had an affinity for service-of-others related professions. My natural proclivities of wanting to love and help others have gone hand-in-hand with my choices in my work life. I've taught, managed a Christian bookstore making sure others can get the resources and encouragement they need, among other service-related jobs and now I am in a Master's program for Marriage & Family Therapist.
But, see, here's my hang up...I don't like admitting I need or want anything. I'm hardly aware that I want or need things very often because I view the world through what others need. Most of the time, like in the case of what happened with our daughter's injury almost 4 years ago, I can ask for help when I get desperate and see no other way out. I'm so used to being the "strong" one that I think I am basically the energizer bunny. I can just keep going! If anyone questions my ability to complete what I set out to do, I dig my heals in and insist I can do it. I'm very resistant to wrestling with weaknesses or overextending myself, my time or my abilities.
In other words, I struggle with pride. Something fierce.
I started my practicum this fall and was so excited for the experience. I admitted that I had a tough summer in a very general sense, but I just figured it was "upward and onward" as I normally think. The problem was, that practicum plus my girls being in school and switching schedules plus still having class meant that I was REALLY struggling balancing it all. I wouldn't admit it though...
Thank God for a good supervisor in my practicum. I was starting to forget things and be late for events. This was not good.
What I term my "bandwidth" had been exceeded and I was moving at a 2G pace trying to keep up with what was necessary for life.
It showed up professionally for me, to my absolute heartbreak at the time. My supervisor noticed I was becoming really "scattered" after having such glowing recommendations from those who know me. She was concerned there was something wrong outside of the professional environment because these types of behaviors did not seem typical of what others knew of me. For someone who delights in being able to keep up with everything thrown at her, I was crushed and sobbing in my supervisor's office. She was compassionate and yet pushed me toward action to change to take care of myself because I "clearly lack giving [myself] any margin for taking care of myself." (I have a LONG history of a lack of self-care, but that's for a different post!)
I went from there determined to do better, and I have set up a schedule to do better at taking care of myself (part of which is taking off Fridays and doing things like blogging!). However, it was not enough to move forward....
This past weekend I was challenged to look back too.
See, I thought I was good. I was moving forward, getting organized and taking more care of myself. But I was out to coffee with a friend explaining how upset I was that I had gained weight and experience a lot of shame for it (the weight is NOT the issue I'm discussing in the post, it is a symptom of what I learned is a greater problem). She asked me when I last felt really good and sure of where I was as a person. I told her it was summer of 2017. I felt happy and healthy...then she asked what happened after that summer...
I had to think for a little bit, and I said, well...I started full-time school that fall instead of part time...I lost my dear grandma suddenly in January...between February and April I got back on track...only to get a concussion in May that took me away from CrossFit (part of my self-care process) for 2 months trying to let my brain recover...only to have my full-time schoolwork add up so that when I was cleared to return to the gym, I was then clobbered with 3 classes worth of work...I finished the work only to start my Practicum experience alongside big changes in my family's schedule with the girls going to school...plus I took my National Exam for counseling in mid-September...and I just have general stressors of my young family life to accompany on that. HOLY COW. I hadn't put all the pieces together. My friend looked at me and basically said my stress level had been so high for almost a year, which is also when my weight gain happened...
I felt my heart sink in me. I had not allowed myself to look back and show myself any grace at all. I just couldn't figure out why I couldn't feel energized moving forward. I had a schedule in place and things "should be working" in my mind. But I felt tired and like I was trying to keep my head above water.
So, I don't have any answers right now. But I am giving myself a chance to look back and say, "You know, you've had a tough year...and that's okay." I'm working on self-compassion, not self-pity. I realized that if someone would have walked into my counseling office with my story of the past year, my response would have been, "Wow, what a challenging year! No wonder you're struggling." I'm trying now to better at saying that to myself. I don't dwell on it and turn it into pity, but rather, that when I hear the really negative voices in my head, instead of handing myself a list of "shoulds," I'm now trying to say, "That must be tough. You're having a hard time. But you'll work through it." I'm hoping this experience in my practicum and with my friends help shape a better future for me in relationship to myself. I'm working on it.
But, see, here's my hang up...I don't like admitting I need or want anything. I'm hardly aware that I want or need things very often because I view the world through what others need. Most of the time, like in the case of what happened with our daughter's injury almost 4 years ago, I can ask for help when I get desperate and see no other way out. I'm so used to being the "strong" one that I think I am basically the energizer bunny. I can just keep going! If anyone questions my ability to complete what I set out to do, I dig my heals in and insist I can do it. I'm very resistant to wrestling with weaknesses or overextending myself, my time or my abilities.
In other words, I struggle with pride. Something fierce.
I started my practicum this fall and was so excited for the experience. I admitted that I had a tough summer in a very general sense, but I just figured it was "upward and onward" as I normally think. The problem was, that practicum plus my girls being in school and switching schedules plus still having class meant that I was REALLY struggling balancing it all. I wouldn't admit it though...
Thank God for a good supervisor in my practicum. I was starting to forget things and be late for events. This was not good.
What I term my "bandwidth" had been exceeded and I was moving at a 2G pace trying to keep up with what was necessary for life.
It showed up professionally for me, to my absolute heartbreak at the time. My supervisor noticed I was becoming really "scattered" after having such glowing recommendations from those who know me. She was concerned there was something wrong outside of the professional environment because these types of behaviors did not seem typical of what others knew of me. For someone who delights in being able to keep up with everything thrown at her, I was crushed and sobbing in my supervisor's office. She was compassionate and yet pushed me toward action to change to take care of myself because I "clearly lack giving [myself] any margin for taking care of myself." (I have a LONG history of a lack of self-care, but that's for a different post!)
I went from there determined to do better, and I have set up a schedule to do better at taking care of myself (part of which is taking off Fridays and doing things like blogging!). However, it was not enough to move forward....
This past weekend I was challenged to look back too.
See, I thought I was good. I was moving forward, getting organized and taking more care of myself. But I was out to coffee with a friend explaining how upset I was that I had gained weight and experience a lot of shame for it (the weight is NOT the issue I'm discussing in the post, it is a symptom of what I learned is a greater problem). She asked me when I last felt really good and sure of where I was as a person. I told her it was summer of 2017. I felt happy and healthy...then she asked what happened after that summer...
I had to think for a little bit, and I said, well...I started full-time school that fall instead of part time...I lost my dear grandma suddenly in January...between February and April I got back on track...only to get a concussion in May that took me away from CrossFit (part of my self-care process) for 2 months trying to let my brain recover...only to have my full-time schoolwork add up so that when I was cleared to return to the gym, I was then clobbered with 3 classes worth of work...I finished the work only to start my Practicum experience alongside big changes in my family's schedule with the girls going to school...plus I took my National Exam for counseling in mid-September...and I just have general stressors of my young family life to accompany on that. HOLY COW. I hadn't put all the pieces together. My friend looked at me and basically said my stress level had been so high for almost a year, which is also when my weight gain happened...
I felt my heart sink in me. I had not allowed myself to look back and show myself any grace at all. I just couldn't figure out why I couldn't feel energized moving forward. I had a schedule in place and things "should be working" in my mind. But I felt tired and like I was trying to keep my head above water.
So, I don't have any answers right now. But I am giving myself a chance to look back and say, "You know, you've had a tough year...and that's okay." I'm working on self-compassion, not self-pity. I realized that if someone would have walked into my counseling office with my story of the past year, my response would have been, "Wow, what a challenging year! No wonder you're struggling." I'm trying now to better at saying that to myself. I don't dwell on it and turn it into pity, but rather, that when I hear the really negative voices in my head, instead of handing myself a list of "shoulds," I'm now trying to say, "That must be tough. You're having a hard time. But you'll work through it." I'm hoping this experience in my practicum and with my friends help shape a better future for me in relationship to myself. I'm working on it.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
True Confessions: When Insecurity of Self Comes Out as Defensiveness
"My husband is extremely supportive of me the majority of the time...why do I get so sensitive when he suggests a change or criticizes something that does need improving?"
This week, I had to do a paper for one of my classes. I'd studied this theory before, but this was a much more in-depth study of a theory called Emotionally-Focused Therapy. It's a therapy that helps couples (particularly) delve into the strained emotional bond and create new bonds of warmth and security while in therapy together.
So, what has that got to do with my own insecurity? One of the principles of digging into the emotional bonds of couples is talking about emotions...then talking about the emotions BEHIND the presenting emotions. One of the "secondary" emotions is anger. Anger is often what comes out initially, but often behind this secondary emotion is a "primary" emotion. EFT proposes that fear is behind anger, particularly fear of abandonment by an important figure. The anger comes out in order to provoke the partner (perceived to be threatening to leave) to come back, even if they're fighting while doing it. At least the partner is still "there."
In the process of reading through a lot of the "accessing emotions" material for EFT, I thought through When am I the angriest? I realized that one of the times I am most visceral in my reactions is when I'm criticized in some way, and especially from my husband. I started to think about what fear may be behind my own anger. Am I afraid he'll leave? I realized how ironic it was for me to have such snippy and defensive reactions to small criticisms (or larger ones) from my sincere and respectful husband. While he's still flawed and selfish as any human is, he most often has my best interests at heart. So why am I so distrustful? Why do I shut down? I don't do things perfectly, so why would I not expect to get some pushback from someone who cares about me?...I started to seriously contemplate, is it something inside of me?
As I thought it through, I realized, as hard as it is...I don't believe that I'm enough. I'm afraid I'll never be enough. I'm afraid he's seeing that. I realized it wasn't his words that got me, it was fear that he is discovering what I already feared about myself...I'm inadequate. I'm insecure. I'm afraid I'm a fraud. So, when my defensiveness comes out at him, I'm actually lashing out against my own fear that PROJECT onto him.
This was a complete newsflash to me and I about cried on the spot.
I realized that my defensive reaction actually had little to nothing to do with my husband and so much, if not everything, to do with the fact that I already fear every day that I fall short. As hard as I work, as much as I do, I fear I'm insignificant. I fear I don't matter. I've helped people believe that I'm competent and sure of myself, and I'm scared to death that I know nothing and can do nothing. That is what I lash out at. If my husband suggests changing where we put things, I don't hear a suggestion, I hear, "Why on earth would you have put that there? There are such better ways. You are so stupid. I'll have to fix your incompetence." THAT voice in my head is what I get curt and rude with. When I get defensive, I feel like I stand up for myself and say, "Hey! That's not stupid! I thought through that! How dare you treat me like I'm the incompetent one?!"
A simple suggestion triggers my deepest insecurities.
And you know what? It makes me an unapproachable spouse. I get defensive with my tongue or cold in my body language...as if to say, "How dare you question me." My husband has to fear my unkind reactions for a simple suggestion in a change in placement of something in the house, asking where things are or if I got the "chance" to do something. Even reading that, it's absurd on it's face.
My long-held belief was that if I keep my insecurities to myself and don't let anyone else in on them, they wouldn't affect anyone else. I'm now learning that it is simply not true.
The truth is, as confident as I am on the outside, I'm full of fear on the inside. I'm afraid that if people really knew my weak points that they would walk away. I'm used to being seen as a strong person...I'm afraid that if people see my weaknesses for what they are, they will be disgusted with me and extremely disappointed. I'm afraid to let anyone see my flaws. While I have a lot of friends, I work extremely hard on how close I actually let people get to me so that I can control how much they know about me. I'm afraid that they will see past my confident outside and apparent strength, to see me for what I am...
I'm insecure. I'm scared. I'm terrified that if you knew how flawed I really am, you'll abandon me. Because I'm not as strong as I appear. I'm not as confident as I let you believe. I'm scared that if you see the real me, you'll consider me irrelevant. I'm afraid...a lot of the time. And I didn't really let myself feel it until the last few days. It's terrifying. (The technical name for this "imposter syndrome," if you'd like to look it up. I never thought this term would apply to me, but it does!)
I don't know where I'm going from here. I'm going to talk to my counselor about it next week (Yes, counselors see counselors themselves as part of self-care). But I know I have to take this seriously and address it. I wanted to share because I believe I'm not alone in this...and no, this insecurity will not affect just you. It will affect the quality of the relationships around you. I have to face my fear, and I hope you will, too.
Saturday, August 11, 2018
Why Mutually Supportive Spouses Matter
Let me be the first to say, I am far from perfect. My husband is far from perfect. However, in the midst of whatever quirks and weaknesses may lie within us and get in the way of communication, one my husband's greatest strengths is support. My life has been changed for the better because of it. I have also made it my goal, simultaneously, to look out for him, as husband who often puts his needs to the side for the good of the family. This is not a manipulative support ("I'll support you SO THAT you support me."), but rather a support that asks questions like:
"Is my spouse doing well? Do they seem like themselves or are they a bit off?"
"If they are not doing well, then do they need some time alone or with friends or some other atmosphere to regroup?"
"What season is my spouse in and how can I breathe life into them to the best of my ability? Am I able to give them a break if the season is a hard one?"
"Can I just sit down and listen to my spouse's heart right now, without judgment?"
"How can I serve? How can I help?"
Support often requires sacrifice at several points for both spouses. However, when the support is mutual, there is an increased understanding how the other works and responding to it. So, for example, my husband knows that when I'm really curt or impatient with him or the kids consistently, it means I'm completely drained. It's not how everyone works, but it is how I work, and he knows this and responds. He'll gently tell me, "Why don't you take some time on your own? Or maybe you could call a friend and see if you can meet them?" In the same way, I know that if he is extremely (abnormally) quiet or if his tone of voice changes in how he addresses others, I know I need to inquire into my introverted husband's state of mind...but GENTLY because if I push to hard for him, he'll shut down more because of my pushiness. If he's unresponsive, I've learned to let him have his space...he'll talk when he's ready. He knows we have a relationship built on years of support, trust and working through hard things. He knows he can talk to me. Even though my instinct is to run into the problem, his space is crucial to his process, and I've learned to honor that (mostly by getting it wrong for the first couple of years and learning from my mistakes). These are not always easy conversations, and sometimes both of us try to pretend we are fine when we are not. However, we know the other is there to support us through the confrontation we are experiencing at the moment.
We have truly come to believe in each other as a good-willed person most days. Emerson Eggerichs in his 2006 book Love & Respect regularly discusses this point throughout the book, and this is a big part of the support process. Part of what can slow down the train of blame and assumptions about the motives of others is asking, "Do I believe my spouse is good-willed? Or do I believe that they woke up this morning and said to themselves how much they wanted to make my life and our marriage miserable?" There are some people who are ill-willed who are out to manipulate and abuse another. They absolutely exist, but are far and away the exception to the rule.
One important part of support to remember is there is a push and pull to it. Support is not rolling over for the other all of the time, but it is not only supporting when it's most convenient for you. Supporting is inherently inconvenient at times, but it never forgets its own needs/wants. It simultaneously asks, "What can I do for you?" but also asks "What am I CAPABLE of doing right now and am I full enough on my own to serve?" So, for example, for those of you who don't know, I'm studying in a master's program to be a marriage & family therapist. I have to study. A LOT. While Jason has served often and taken the kids, he also is getting stronger at being direct and telling me when he needs space or time. I also do my best to ensure he has his time and space each week through a basketball on Tuesdays (and sometimes Saturdays) and his Bible study on Wednesdays. He also checks in with me about him spending time with good friends and I make a point to support that as often as I can. He'll tell you, though, I've become more open as well about saying things like, "I'm not sure I'm feeling up for caring for the kids by myself during that time, can you arrange for a different day?" or "You know I acknowledge I can't meet your every need as a spouse. You need your friends! But we haven't had time recently together and that was our only free night. Can we do something together instead?"
One illustration I've come to love over the years is thinking of your relationship like a bank account. You have to make enough deposits to be able to make a withdrawl. This is a great illustration of support, love, warmth and affection in your relationship. Keep in mind that studies show that you need 7 positive interactions for every 1 criticism. Being affirming and supporting as often as you can pays big dividends when you have to make a withdrawl of criticism or correction. You have to make sure there's enough money in the love account to make a withdrawl or you go in debt in the relationship! Even if you and your spouse are in a tough season together (which if you're not in a tough season now, trust me, you will be at some point!), find the strengths and areas where you CAN make love/support deposits. If your spouse has had to work more to make ends meet, for example, instead of focusing on the time spent away from the family, express appreciation for the dedication they have to make sure the family is safe and provided for. If the spouse seems to be overly critical, instead of taking it as they don't love or appreciate you, let them know that you appreciate how when they see things they feel are "broken," they want to fix them for what they believe to be the good of those around them (and usually it's because they believe that it is actually UNLOVING not to say something and let things stay "broken"...I may blog on this concept at a different point). The point here is that often, going back to the concept of goodwill, there are often motives that are believed by the individual to be good and caring things to do that come off to the spouse as painful, irresponsible or cold.
If you're not sure what the motives are for their actions, my encouragement would be to ask them and let them explain without condemnation or fighting back and LOOK for ways you can make supportive deposits in the account. So, for example, if they say, "I yelled at the kids because they were fighting so much." You could say, "I appreciate that you want the kids to get along and desire to correct them so they can live more harmoniously." You aren't agreeing with the method, all your doing is acknowledging that there were good motives behind the poor actions. This is a way in which you can support your spouse without agreeing with everything they do. Can you find the goodwill in them and make a supportive deposit? Support is worked out in the small things (like daily interactions) as well as the big things! If support for your relationship is only one direction because of how much pain there is in the relationship, start with the smallest things that you can be proud of in them. Maybe the spouse is poorly interacting with you, but gives a lot of love to the kids. Maybe they work a ton, but do excellent work at their job. Find the deposits you can make in good conscience (DON'T FAKE IT, they can tell!), scrounge around as long as you can to find something positive because you need to relational deposits in order to make any withdrawls you'd want to make in the future. But the support has to begin somewhere!
There are going to be times in your lives as a couple where one spouse or the other is going to have needs and wants that take precedence, this is part of life and especially life together. There is a certain amount of acceptance that my husband has come to that this season for me is really tough, being in school and doing all of this work. But the truth is, he always tells me, "You were born to do this counseling thing. Your gifts are so apparent! You need to get this work done so that you can do what God has called you to do. I am here to support you." (To which I remind him that it's not all about me, he needs to feel loved, supported, honored and seen in this process as well!) Later on, I will need to support him the way he's supported me now, not because I "owe" him, but because this is the way life works! I love the illustration of being "yoked" together. If the two oxen are fighting constantly, they can't do the work they are assigned to do. But if they both are willing to give, willing to pull when the other gets tired to keep things moving in the right direction, the work assigned will be completed. Life together is a team effort. It is not easy, and we have ups and downs in communication and life throws us curveballs. But if we are focused on what we can do to pull the burden that's yoked to us as a team, we will be able to make more progress than one alone. You are a team, and teams win and lose games, but the goal is still to come out unified on the other side when we fail.
Remember every relationship is different. How you can support your spouse may take a different form from other couples. But the point is to keep tabs on the love bank account. Be in each other's corners as often as possible. And when criticism is necessary, remember to sandwich your criticism between compliments as often as possible. For the yelling at the kids example, it could be said, "You show a passion for the kids getting along and I appreciate that. I think we could work together to come up with a consistent way to handle these things so we can demonstrate unity in front of the kids. I really want to work together with someone who loves our kids enough to want to be involved someone who wants to see the kids living together well." (For those that being direct is the only way to be, and the compliments are superfluous, I would ask you to try this and see what happens on the other side). Be sincere in any support and compliment, and if you both can do this with each other, this is the ideal. However, remember, you can only control you. So finding things to be sincerely supportive of the things you find in them and say them or write them down and stick them somewhere (I used to use a dry erase marker and write something down on the mirror in the bathroom from time to time). Remember, being complimentary should always be sincere and it does not "pass over the sins" of the other. But find where there is some wiggle room for some positive support...and if you wait for the other to act first in this way, I'll leave you with the words of Emerson Eggerichs…
"When I get asked about who should start this Love & Respect stuff? I always give the same answer....the one who considers themselves the most mature starts first."
**Side note: This blog has limited to no applicability to those in actually chronically manipulative or abusive relationships. Safety is the priority. Please seek professional help if you are in one of these relational extremes.**
"Is my spouse doing well? Do they seem like themselves or are they a bit off?"
"If they are not doing well, then do they need some time alone or with friends or some other atmosphere to regroup?"
"What season is my spouse in and how can I breathe life into them to the best of my ability? Am I able to give them a break if the season is a hard one?"
"Can I just sit down and listen to my spouse's heart right now, without judgment?"
"How can I serve? How can I help?"
Support often requires sacrifice at several points for both spouses. However, when the support is mutual, there is an increased understanding how the other works and responding to it. So, for example, my husband knows that when I'm really curt or impatient with him or the kids consistently, it means I'm completely drained. It's not how everyone works, but it is how I work, and he knows this and responds. He'll gently tell me, "Why don't you take some time on your own? Or maybe you could call a friend and see if you can meet them?" In the same way, I know that if he is extremely (abnormally) quiet or if his tone of voice changes in how he addresses others, I know I need to inquire into my introverted husband's state of mind...but GENTLY because if I push to hard for him, he'll shut down more because of my pushiness. If he's unresponsive, I've learned to let him have his space...he'll talk when he's ready. He knows we have a relationship built on years of support, trust and working through hard things. He knows he can talk to me. Even though my instinct is to run into the problem, his space is crucial to his process, and I've learned to honor that (mostly by getting it wrong for the first couple of years and learning from my mistakes). These are not always easy conversations, and sometimes both of us try to pretend we are fine when we are not. However, we know the other is there to support us through the confrontation we are experiencing at the moment.
We have truly come to believe in each other as a good-willed person most days. Emerson Eggerichs in his 2006 book Love & Respect regularly discusses this point throughout the book, and this is a big part of the support process. Part of what can slow down the train of blame and assumptions about the motives of others is asking, "Do I believe my spouse is good-willed? Or do I believe that they woke up this morning and said to themselves how much they wanted to make my life and our marriage miserable?" There are some people who are ill-willed who are out to manipulate and abuse another. They absolutely exist, but are far and away the exception to the rule.
One important part of support to remember is there is a push and pull to it. Support is not rolling over for the other all of the time, but it is not only supporting when it's most convenient for you. Supporting is inherently inconvenient at times, but it never forgets its own needs/wants. It simultaneously asks, "What can I do for you?" but also asks "What am I CAPABLE of doing right now and am I full enough on my own to serve?" So, for example, for those of you who don't know, I'm studying in a master's program to be a marriage & family therapist. I have to study. A LOT. While Jason has served often and taken the kids, he also is getting stronger at being direct and telling me when he needs space or time. I also do my best to ensure he has his time and space each week through a basketball on Tuesdays (and sometimes Saturdays) and his Bible study on Wednesdays. He also checks in with me about him spending time with good friends and I make a point to support that as often as I can. He'll tell you, though, I've become more open as well about saying things like, "I'm not sure I'm feeling up for caring for the kids by myself during that time, can you arrange for a different day?" or "You know I acknowledge I can't meet your every need as a spouse. You need your friends! But we haven't had time recently together and that was our only free night. Can we do something together instead?"
One illustration I've come to love over the years is thinking of your relationship like a bank account. You have to make enough deposits to be able to make a withdrawl. This is a great illustration of support, love, warmth and affection in your relationship. Keep in mind that studies show that you need 7 positive interactions for every 1 criticism. Being affirming and supporting as often as you can pays big dividends when you have to make a withdrawl of criticism or correction. You have to make sure there's enough money in the love account to make a withdrawl or you go in debt in the relationship! Even if you and your spouse are in a tough season together (which if you're not in a tough season now, trust me, you will be at some point!), find the strengths and areas where you CAN make love/support deposits. If your spouse has had to work more to make ends meet, for example, instead of focusing on the time spent away from the family, express appreciation for the dedication they have to make sure the family is safe and provided for. If the spouse seems to be overly critical, instead of taking it as they don't love or appreciate you, let them know that you appreciate how when they see things they feel are "broken," they want to fix them for what they believe to be the good of those around them (and usually it's because they believe that it is actually UNLOVING not to say something and let things stay "broken"...I may blog on this concept at a different point). The point here is that often, going back to the concept of goodwill, there are often motives that are believed by the individual to be good and caring things to do that come off to the spouse as painful, irresponsible or cold.
If you're not sure what the motives are for their actions, my encouragement would be to ask them and let them explain without condemnation or fighting back and LOOK for ways you can make supportive deposits in the account. So, for example, if they say, "I yelled at the kids because they were fighting so much." You could say, "I appreciate that you want the kids to get along and desire to correct them so they can live more harmoniously." You aren't agreeing with the method, all your doing is acknowledging that there were good motives behind the poor actions. This is a way in which you can support your spouse without agreeing with everything they do. Can you find the goodwill in them and make a supportive deposit? Support is worked out in the small things (like daily interactions) as well as the big things! If support for your relationship is only one direction because of how much pain there is in the relationship, start with the smallest things that you can be proud of in them. Maybe the spouse is poorly interacting with you, but gives a lot of love to the kids. Maybe they work a ton, but do excellent work at their job. Find the deposits you can make in good conscience (DON'T FAKE IT, they can tell!), scrounge around as long as you can to find something positive because you need to relational deposits in order to make any withdrawls you'd want to make in the future. But the support has to begin somewhere!
There are going to be times in your lives as a couple where one spouse or the other is going to have needs and wants that take precedence, this is part of life and especially life together. There is a certain amount of acceptance that my husband has come to that this season for me is really tough, being in school and doing all of this work. But the truth is, he always tells me, "You were born to do this counseling thing. Your gifts are so apparent! You need to get this work done so that you can do what God has called you to do. I am here to support you." (To which I remind him that it's not all about me, he needs to feel loved, supported, honored and seen in this process as well!) Later on, I will need to support him the way he's supported me now, not because I "owe" him, but because this is the way life works! I love the illustration of being "yoked" together. If the two oxen are fighting constantly, they can't do the work they are assigned to do. But if they both are willing to give, willing to pull when the other gets tired to keep things moving in the right direction, the work assigned will be completed. Life together is a team effort. It is not easy, and we have ups and downs in communication and life throws us curveballs. But if we are focused on what we can do to pull the burden that's yoked to us as a team, we will be able to make more progress than one alone. You are a team, and teams win and lose games, but the goal is still to come out unified on the other side when we fail.
Remember every relationship is different. How you can support your spouse may take a different form from other couples. But the point is to keep tabs on the love bank account. Be in each other's corners as often as possible. And when criticism is necessary, remember to sandwich your criticism between compliments as often as possible. For the yelling at the kids example, it could be said, "You show a passion for the kids getting along and I appreciate that. I think we could work together to come up with a consistent way to handle these things so we can demonstrate unity in front of the kids. I really want to work together with someone who loves our kids enough to want to be involved someone who wants to see the kids living together well." (For those that being direct is the only way to be, and the compliments are superfluous, I would ask you to try this and see what happens on the other side). Be sincere in any support and compliment, and if you both can do this with each other, this is the ideal. However, remember, you can only control you. So finding things to be sincerely supportive of the things you find in them and say them or write them down and stick them somewhere (I used to use a dry erase marker and write something down on the mirror in the bathroom from time to time). Remember, being complimentary should always be sincere and it does not "pass over the sins" of the other. But find where there is some wiggle room for some positive support...and if you wait for the other to act first in this way, I'll leave you with the words of Emerson Eggerichs…
"When I get asked about who should start this Love & Respect stuff? I always give the same answer....the one who considers themselves the most mature starts first."
**Side note: This blog has limited to no applicability to those in actually chronically manipulative or abusive relationships. Safety is the priority. Please seek professional help if you are in one of these relational extremes.**
Monday, May 28, 2018
Confessions of an Ever-Recovering Emotional Eater
I have used food to self-soothe for many years. Maybe some of you can relate. Many times, you can tell how I'm doing emotionally by what my diet consists of. Whenever I get upset or overwhelmed, my first thoughts are about high quantities of sugar and carb related foods. Give me tons of junk food and I believe it makes me feel better. Reward sensors in my brain go "ding, ding, ding!"
I've recently discovered that mine is a common story, especially among those in "helping professions" (i.e. counselors, nurses, clergy, etc.). I know food is used by many for coping, however, I see a difference in some of us in these professions that often hinge on people's worst moments in life in their psychological, physical and spiritual health. We have been the caregivers of many, and most of us that has been our role most of our lives. In fact, many of us thrive on helping others. To the point where, if we aren't helping or realize that we are replaceable, this is painful for us. We LOVE being needed...but, sometimes...all that helping catches up to us. When we help others so often, we drain ourselves and do not refill. The trendy term right now is "self-care." Our self-care is neglected in the name of being needed and helping others. Many of us don't take a break to restore ourselves, because, after all, so many people need us. But many of us feel that, as much as we care for others, we don't get that same kind of care in return. So, people like me feel sugar-laiden foods calling our name! After all, it sends off all sorts of reward sensors in our brain, no matter how temporary. But the proverbial shot-in-the-arm it gives, the temporary high feels good.
I've found that many people choose to "care for themselves" by doing what makes them happy or what is easy and convenient. For me, when I'm overwhelmed or exhausted, the diet is the first thing to go. I love sugar and disregard the consequences. Case in point, between January and April I was feeling so much better while eating Keto, I'd dropped a few pounds, and I'd been consistent at CrossFit on MWF of each week. I was feeling and looking better than I had in awhile. As my stress level with school/work/home balance was rising, my eating took a huge dip. I was just exhausted and I didn't want to care about food...I just wanted to be happy. Sweet foods make me happy. I felt more and more drawn to them, regardless of the consequences. I had good days and bad days, as all humans do. But, I acknowledge that I make food choices consciously that I know full well are not in my body or mind's best interest. I tend to do this consistently when I am stressed.
Some of you know the marathon of a health journey that I've been on. I want to be clear, this has been a journey for me that is far from over. It started for me with a doctor's appointment in December 2015 where I was at the highest weight I'd ever been. I'd been through a lot that year, between Selah's injury and other things, that I was stressed to the max and eating constantly. I didn't know where to turn, so I turned to food. The thing is, even 2 years in and 30 some pounds lost and several pounds in muscle gained, the internal war continues. For me, this will be a marathon. I don't always do well. I get buried in shame and eat even more at times. I get started well, but often lose energy over time. I'm still trying to figure out how to stay motivated. I get lazy in life and lazy in my eating when I'm too stressed. This has been true on and off for the last 6 weeks. I feel yucky, my attitude is awful and my body feels weak. I don't like the feeling, and yet, at times, it doesn't detour me from making poor choices food-wise. I'm still trying to figure out why. I've gained more insight over time, but it's a long ways from being over.
My health journey is just that. It's a journey. But, it's a journey that my husband has been supportive of because, when I am consistent, I feel better and enjoy life more. He has learned a lot along the way too. He's learned that the food issue is often the cover of other issues (i.e. grief, stress). It's all that he's learned with me that has helped him become even more compassionate and understanding as he's watched me struggle. I'm not perfect, far from it. But, he's been encouraging and kind to me all along the way. (Side note: I'm super proud of him for becoming a health coach last month because it's his wheelhouse, but he's also seen me through literally years of struggle and is increasingly prepared for the stories and lives he will interact with!)
Anyway, I don't have a lot of answers. But I just wanted to share my story because I wanted people to know they're not alone. I know what it is to eat my emotion. As many gains as I've made in my health in the last couple of years, don't be fooled...my internal war is intense and ingrained in me from years of using food to cope with my life stressors. I want you to know, change is possible, but it may not come swiftly...and that's okay too. For me, my husband keeping me accountable has been helpful. His encouragement has been crucial. He's going to rock it as a health coach through both the accountability and encouragement he will provide others. I've never seen myself as a strong, capable or healthy person. This is the first time where I've taken my body and life seriously through activity (CrossFit has changed my life and my self-confidence level over the last year, I've improved a lot!) and dietary changes. But my struggle is real. And it's not over. But I've chosen that tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to take the summer to get refocused. 12 weeks of consistency in the hopes of building new habits. But I'm not naive enough to think this will suddenly end my poor coping skills, but I'm hoping to make more progress and be better than I was before!
By the way, for those that were concerned that Keto's restrictions made me "binge," let me tell you, that is not at all the case. For me, Keto has been a match made in heaven and I've loved it. But my years of coping with stress through food come back to haunt me. In fact, when I was really on the ball with Keto, it was always at home. If we were invited to a party and such, I'd indulge in a controlled way. I wasn't fearful or paranoid about what I was eating, I just made my own rule that I always eat Keto at home and there was more leniancy outside of the home. So, no worries, people :) I was confident in my life and my eating and I'd never felt better. I'm happy to go back, but I must be more cognizant of my weak times. I am accountable for what I eat, no one and nothing else can make me eat anything. I'm excited to go back to eating "real" food where it's unprocessed! I feel so much better when I do! If you need some accountability too, feel free to contact Jason, my husband at jason.taylor@marquette.edu. (Shameless plug, but not the point of me writing this at all). Accountability and encouragement were the key to my life changes, and in case that's the case for you, I wanted to let you know someone I trust is out there who understands the journey I've outlined here. Regardless of whether you contact him or not, I just want every emotional eater to know that you're not alone. But, there is hope, too. While the struggle remains, it doesn't have to control you. And even when it does feel that it controls you, you can get up and start again. I'm going to too...starting tomorrow!
I've recently discovered that mine is a common story, especially among those in "helping professions" (i.e. counselors, nurses, clergy, etc.). I know food is used by many for coping, however, I see a difference in some of us in these professions that often hinge on people's worst moments in life in their psychological, physical and spiritual health. We have been the caregivers of many, and most of us that has been our role most of our lives. In fact, many of us thrive on helping others. To the point where, if we aren't helping or realize that we are replaceable, this is painful for us. We LOVE being needed...but, sometimes...all that helping catches up to us. When we help others so often, we drain ourselves and do not refill. The trendy term right now is "self-care." Our self-care is neglected in the name of being needed and helping others. Many of us don't take a break to restore ourselves, because, after all, so many people need us. But many of us feel that, as much as we care for others, we don't get that same kind of care in return. So, people like me feel sugar-laiden foods calling our name! After all, it sends off all sorts of reward sensors in our brain, no matter how temporary. But the proverbial shot-in-the-arm it gives, the temporary high feels good.
I've found that many people choose to "care for themselves" by doing what makes them happy or what is easy and convenient. For me, when I'm overwhelmed or exhausted, the diet is the first thing to go. I love sugar and disregard the consequences. Case in point, between January and April I was feeling so much better while eating Keto, I'd dropped a few pounds, and I'd been consistent at CrossFit on MWF of each week. I was feeling and looking better than I had in awhile. As my stress level with school/work/home balance was rising, my eating took a huge dip. I was just exhausted and I didn't want to care about food...I just wanted to be happy. Sweet foods make me happy. I felt more and more drawn to them, regardless of the consequences. I had good days and bad days, as all humans do. But, I acknowledge that I make food choices consciously that I know full well are not in my body or mind's best interest. I tend to do this consistently when I am stressed.
Some of you know the marathon of a health journey that I've been on. I want to be clear, this has been a journey for me that is far from over. It started for me with a doctor's appointment in December 2015 where I was at the highest weight I'd ever been. I'd been through a lot that year, between Selah's injury and other things, that I was stressed to the max and eating constantly. I didn't know where to turn, so I turned to food. The thing is, even 2 years in and 30 some pounds lost and several pounds in muscle gained, the internal war continues. For me, this will be a marathon. I don't always do well. I get buried in shame and eat even more at times. I get started well, but often lose energy over time. I'm still trying to figure out how to stay motivated. I get lazy in life and lazy in my eating when I'm too stressed. This has been true on and off for the last 6 weeks. I feel yucky, my attitude is awful and my body feels weak. I don't like the feeling, and yet, at times, it doesn't detour me from making poor choices food-wise. I'm still trying to figure out why. I've gained more insight over time, but it's a long ways from being over.
My health journey is just that. It's a journey. But, it's a journey that my husband has been supportive of because, when I am consistent, I feel better and enjoy life more. He has learned a lot along the way too. He's learned that the food issue is often the cover of other issues (i.e. grief, stress). It's all that he's learned with me that has helped him become even more compassionate and understanding as he's watched me struggle. I'm not perfect, far from it. But, he's been encouraging and kind to me all along the way. (Side note: I'm super proud of him for becoming a health coach last month because it's his wheelhouse, but he's also seen me through literally years of struggle and is increasingly prepared for the stories and lives he will interact with!)
Anyway, I don't have a lot of answers. But I just wanted to share my story because I wanted people to know they're not alone. I know what it is to eat my emotion. As many gains as I've made in my health in the last couple of years, don't be fooled...my internal war is intense and ingrained in me from years of using food to cope with my life stressors. I want you to know, change is possible, but it may not come swiftly...and that's okay too. For me, my husband keeping me accountable has been helpful. His encouragement has been crucial. He's going to rock it as a health coach through both the accountability and encouragement he will provide others. I've never seen myself as a strong, capable or healthy person. This is the first time where I've taken my body and life seriously through activity (CrossFit has changed my life and my self-confidence level over the last year, I've improved a lot!) and dietary changes. But my struggle is real. And it's not over. But I've chosen that tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to take the summer to get refocused. 12 weeks of consistency in the hopes of building new habits. But I'm not naive enough to think this will suddenly end my poor coping skills, but I'm hoping to make more progress and be better than I was before!
By the way, for those that were concerned that Keto's restrictions made me "binge," let me tell you, that is not at all the case. For me, Keto has been a match made in heaven and I've loved it. But my years of coping with stress through food come back to haunt me. In fact, when I was really on the ball with Keto, it was always at home. If we were invited to a party and such, I'd indulge in a controlled way. I wasn't fearful or paranoid about what I was eating, I just made my own rule that I always eat Keto at home and there was more leniancy outside of the home. So, no worries, people :) I was confident in my life and my eating and I'd never felt better. I'm happy to go back, but I must be more cognizant of my weak times. I am accountable for what I eat, no one and nothing else can make me eat anything. I'm excited to go back to eating "real" food where it's unprocessed! I feel so much better when I do! If you need some accountability too, feel free to contact Jason, my husband at jason.taylor@marquette.edu. (Shameless plug, but not the point of me writing this at all). Accountability and encouragement were the key to my life changes, and in case that's the case for you, I wanted to let you know someone I trust is out there who understands the journey I've outlined here. Regardless of whether you contact him or not, I just want every emotional eater to know that you're not alone. But, there is hope, too. While the struggle remains, it doesn't have to control you. And even when it does feel that it controls you, you can get up and start again. I'm going to too...starting tomorrow!
Monday, January 29, 2018
Processing Grief & The Supportive Spouse
Sometimes, we have to practice what we preach and it's harder than we think it will be.
I lost my beloved Grandma on January 18, 2018. I got a call that day from my dad at 2:59pm that less than a week after getting a pacemaker, she had a brain hemorrhage and probably had hours left. By 5pm, I was in a rental car rushing to Iowa. This was my grandma who was like a second mom to me, and this was a shocking turn of events as she was "supposed" to be home that following weekend because she had done "so well" in her recovery. None of us were super worried about her because the doctors were happy with her progress. This wasn't the plan, she was supposed to be home in a couple of days. Now, I found myself sobbing and trying to get to her as soon as I could. I was hoping in my heart of hearts to get to say goodbye to this woman who had loved me and was so supportive of me throughout my life.
I was driving through the Dubuque area with all of its hills. I lost reception for over half an hour. I was thinking through what I wanted to say to my grandma. I really had no clear thoughts. Then it came to me, "Say hi to Jesus for me." There was that phrase, and then radio silence in my head and in my vehicle. About ten minutes later, I recovered reception to my cell and several minutes later, I received my dad's text..."Grandma passed." I cannot explain it, but I knew in my heart that she had. After I thought of that phrase, there was nothing else. I knew in my heart she was gone.
The next days were filled with planning of a funeral service that none of us had planned on. Days full of tears and hugs. I had volunteered (and the family agreed) to let me do my grandma's eulogy. It was an honor and I made it all the way through with only a mild break in the middle. In my own way, I got to "make it" to her bedside, even without officially making it. I wanted to honor my grandma, with all of her quirks and imperfections while still highlighting the big difference she made for many people, and with the reviews from church and family members, I believe I did.
But after all the "business" that had to be accomplished in terms of funeral preparations, we still have to go home. We still have to figure out what life looks like when the puzzle of our lives missing a piece. Studying to be a counselor, I've talked with many people about grief, including several talks with my grandpa this past week. He's an army man and loves planning and details, but being the great army man he was, he had to put his feelings to the side for the purpose of plans to get the job done. I talked with him about the importance of remembering that there is no "plan" for grief and its accompanying emotions. As we all had to go our separate ways and continue on in life, there will be minutes, hours and days where the grief will feel as real as it does now. It could be a sight, a sound, a smell that brings grandma's memory back to us and make the grief real all over again. What I told him was, "Lean in to the discomfort of grief and its accompanying emotions. Don't run away. Running away or suppressing them can make it worse." I also encouraged him to find his new "normal" and find things that bring him life and purpose. There is a balance between the aspects of life that he will have to find for himself.
But as I came home, I realized I needed to heed my own advice. I've been exhausted, teary and moody for the last three days in being home. I don't mean to be. Even reflecting on the funeral and eulogy as well as the life of my grandma and what she meant to me, means that my feelings are raw too. I took care of the "business" aspects of it too while in Iowa, and I came home and now need to decompress. I'm used to being a level-headed and kind individual on a lot of days, and I have been neither of those things since I came home. This is hard and humbling for me. I've had to ask for forgiveness and sleep more than normal. But, I also need to listen to my own advice. I need to embrace the discomfort of not "being myself" because suppressing it will make it worse for me too. I'm good at being busy and can use busyness to ignore my own feelings and needs. However, I need to allow the feelings to be what they are and not judge myself. I need to take a nap if I feel I need to. I need to accept that I am not okay right now and that in and of itself is okay. I will find my new normal, while still acknowledging that I've lost an important piece of my life when I lost my grandma. I don't know what grief will look like in the days to come, when it will hit, how hard the wave will hit, but I trust Jesus to carry me through the grief just as he carried my grandma up to his side. He is the One who carries us all and keeps us rooted in himself. While this wasn't my plan, it was always his plan, and I have to trust him in that too.
The biggest demonstration of grace has been given to me by my husband. I've needed naps. I've cried during my own birthday dinner over the smallest things. I've lashed out over nothing. Yet, he has been so kind. He has offered hugs and to take the kids. He has told me how much he loves me, while admitting that I am not acting like "myself" because he knows that grief is hard (he lost his own sister a year and a half earlier). He has spoken of how I saw him through the crushing blow of losing his sister and now he is here for me to do the same. This is the HARD stuff of marriage. When one falls apart, how does the other support? This is not the stuff of fairy tales. This is not happily ever after. This is the nitty gritty of life, in the scary moments and the moments of great loss. The days where you don't recognize your spouse because they've lost themselves. When you say "for better or worse," there are guarantees that the "worse" days will arrive. This world is broken, it is broken by sin, ugliness, loss and loneliness. We will inevitably experience these things over and over again. This is why who we marry matters. It is easy to get caught up in butterflies and flowers when you're newly in love, but when the rubber of life hits the road, the foundation of friendship, trust and honor are the things that either appear or they do not. You find what your relationship is really made of, which can be a scary prospect. It doesn't mean that we always handle things right or well, but that there is effort made to pick up the other's slack when they are immobilized by life's pain and brokenness. With this in mind, I want to talk about these things with my daughters about their choice in a mate. When it all breaks down, who will be in your corner? Who will do their best to show you the grace you need when you aren't sure of what you need at all? These are important questions for them to ask themselves. I can't make their partner choices for them, but I do want to help them think about it well, if I can help. Their father is such a good example of what it is to catch the other when they fall. I pray my girls can find a man willing to go the extra mile to love and care for them when they experience grief and hardship. But today, I'm so grateful for a husband who has shown me more grace than I deserve, thus showing even more the power of the Cross and the forgiveness of Jesus.
I don't know where this road of grief will lead, but I trust that the God that led my grandma safely home will also continue to lead me through the purpose-filled life he has for me.
I lost my beloved Grandma on January 18, 2018. I got a call that day from my dad at 2:59pm that less than a week after getting a pacemaker, she had a brain hemorrhage and probably had hours left. By 5pm, I was in a rental car rushing to Iowa. This was my grandma who was like a second mom to me, and this was a shocking turn of events as she was "supposed" to be home that following weekend because she had done "so well" in her recovery. None of us were super worried about her because the doctors were happy with her progress. This wasn't the plan, she was supposed to be home in a couple of days. Now, I found myself sobbing and trying to get to her as soon as I could. I was hoping in my heart of hearts to get to say goodbye to this woman who had loved me and was so supportive of me throughout my life.
I was driving through the Dubuque area with all of its hills. I lost reception for over half an hour. I was thinking through what I wanted to say to my grandma. I really had no clear thoughts. Then it came to me, "Say hi to Jesus for me." There was that phrase, and then radio silence in my head and in my vehicle. About ten minutes later, I recovered reception to my cell and several minutes later, I received my dad's text..."Grandma passed." I cannot explain it, but I knew in my heart that she had. After I thought of that phrase, there was nothing else. I knew in my heart she was gone.
The next days were filled with planning of a funeral service that none of us had planned on. Days full of tears and hugs. I had volunteered (and the family agreed) to let me do my grandma's eulogy. It was an honor and I made it all the way through with only a mild break in the middle. In my own way, I got to "make it" to her bedside, even without officially making it. I wanted to honor my grandma, with all of her quirks and imperfections while still highlighting the big difference she made for many people, and with the reviews from church and family members, I believe I did.
But after all the "business" that had to be accomplished in terms of funeral preparations, we still have to go home. We still have to figure out what life looks like when the puzzle of our lives missing a piece. Studying to be a counselor, I've talked with many people about grief, including several talks with my grandpa this past week. He's an army man and loves planning and details, but being the great army man he was, he had to put his feelings to the side for the purpose of plans to get the job done. I talked with him about the importance of remembering that there is no "plan" for grief and its accompanying emotions. As we all had to go our separate ways and continue on in life, there will be minutes, hours and days where the grief will feel as real as it does now. It could be a sight, a sound, a smell that brings grandma's memory back to us and make the grief real all over again. What I told him was, "Lean in to the discomfort of grief and its accompanying emotions. Don't run away. Running away or suppressing them can make it worse." I also encouraged him to find his new "normal" and find things that bring him life and purpose. There is a balance between the aspects of life that he will have to find for himself.
But as I came home, I realized I needed to heed my own advice. I've been exhausted, teary and moody for the last three days in being home. I don't mean to be. Even reflecting on the funeral and eulogy as well as the life of my grandma and what she meant to me, means that my feelings are raw too. I took care of the "business" aspects of it too while in Iowa, and I came home and now need to decompress. I'm used to being a level-headed and kind individual on a lot of days, and I have been neither of those things since I came home. This is hard and humbling for me. I've had to ask for forgiveness and sleep more than normal. But, I also need to listen to my own advice. I need to embrace the discomfort of not "being myself" because suppressing it will make it worse for me too. I'm good at being busy and can use busyness to ignore my own feelings and needs. However, I need to allow the feelings to be what they are and not judge myself. I need to take a nap if I feel I need to. I need to accept that I am not okay right now and that in and of itself is okay. I will find my new normal, while still acknowledging that I've lost an important piece of my life when I lost my grandma. I don't know what grief will look like in the days to come, when it will hit, how hard the wave will hit, but I trust Jesus to carry me through the grief just as he carried my grandma up to his side. He is the One who carries us all and keeps us rooted in himself. While this wasn't my plan, it was always his plan, and I have to trust him in that too.
The biggest demonstration of grace has been given to me by my husband. I've needed naps. I've cried during my own birthday dinner over the smallest things. I've lashed out over nothing. Yet, he has been so kind. He has offered hugs and to take the kids. He has told me how much he loves me, while admitting that I am not acting like "myself" because he knows that grief is hard (he lost his own sister a year and a half earlier). He has spoken of how I saw him through the crushing blow of losing his sister and now he is here for me to do the same. This is the HARD stuff of marriage. When one falls apart, how does the other support? This is not the stuff of fairy tales. This is not happily ever after. This is the nitty gritty of life, in the scary moments and the moments of great loss. The days where you don't recognize your spouse because they've lost themselves. When you say "for better or worse," there are guarantees that the "worse" days will arrive. This world is broken, it is broken by sin, ugliness, loss and loneliness. We will inevitably experience these things over and over again. This is why who we marry matters. It is easy to get caught up in butterflies and flowers when you're newly in love, but when the rubber of life hits the road, the foundation of friendship, trust and honor are the things that either appear or they do not. You find what your relationship is really made of, which can be a scary prospect. It doesn't mean that we always handle things right or well, but that there is effort made to pick up the other's slack when they are immobilized by life's pain and brokenness. With this in mind, I want to talk about these things with my daughters about their choice in a mate. When it all breaks down, who will be in your corner? Who will do their best to show you the grace you need when you aren't sure of what you need at all? These are important questions for them to ask themselves. I can't make their partner choices for them, but I do want to help them think about it well, if I can help. Their father is such a good example of what it is to catch the other when they fall. I pray my girls can find a man willing to go the extra mile to love and care for them when they experience grief and hardship. But today, I'm so grateful for a husband who has shown me more grace than I deserve, thus showing even more the power of the Cross and the forgiveness of Jesus.
I don't know where this road of grief will lead, but I trust that the God that led my grandma safely home will also continue to lead me through the purpose-filled life he has for me.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Parenting is Tension
There is a war that goes on inside of me in all facets of life, a tension between good and evil...of right and wrong...of Spirit and Flesh. It's hard. It's brutal. I've found that the area I become most aware of this battle in myself is with my children. They have their inner battle as well and sometimes it clashes with mine, and it clashes HARD!
The kicker is, it doesn't even have to be over big things. In fact, it is commonly over a build up of the small things. The defiant "NO" over dinner, coming out of the kitchen and finding one of my three-year-olds on our dining room table unscrewing the light bulbs out of the light fixture, the pee accident during the nap time, coming downstairs when my daughter takes too long to get her new underwear after the accident to find her having opened my Amazon package and messing with my TV remote, the sibling squabble over a blue stuffed teddy bear...it's the little things today. The little things that mounted into honestly not wanting to be around my kids or liking my kids today. I admit it. I really don't care to be around my kids today.
Of course, I put my big girl pants on and put dinner together amidst what felt like a million "MOM!" calls today. But I was curt, I was short, I was generally annoyed. I got to the point of seeing absolutely nothing good about my kids. When I realized I was spiraling, I went to the same questions and doubts that reside in the hearts of many moms. Am I a good mom? My kids don't mean to be so terrible, is this all my fault? If I parented better, they wouldn't be able to get up on tables without me noticing, right?! Am I failing my kids? I just need space from the insanity! I don't want to wound their sinful hearts with my own sin! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I'm angry at them. I'm angry at myself. I get angry with life and just want to run away and hide.
My children would not be "rising up to call me blessed" today. Jeez Louise.
But then I think of something I heard from Paul David Tripp once. He says that God is committed to our process...our process of becoming more like Him. It takes time, it doesn't happen overnight. That process is where grace meets our lives. It meets us when our pain and sin are the deepest and the most real. One of my most raw places where God meets me is in the tension of the battle in my parenting. I have NO idea what I'm doing. I try to be consistent and kind, but it's days like today when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind where I remember how much I really don't have it together.
These kids were designed for me and me for them. In our flaw and in our strengths. They will bring out sin in me that I wasn't even aware that I had. They push me outside of my comfort zone. They lie to me. They try to cheat, steal and do all the things they want to do in their innate selfishness. I did not have to teach them how to be bad, they have that all down pat on their own. But, then again, so do I. It doesn't take work for me to be selfish, lazy or not engaged. It comes naturally to me to want to take the road of least resistance, to drop consistency because it is inconvenient, to just want to get mad over "sin management" in the situation, rather than helping my child examine their own hearts in many situations...because it's WORK! Sometimes I don't want to do the hard stuff because I want to just do me. I want to have my space, my time and not be bothered.
This tension between loving my children, needing some time and space, lack of self-awareness when trying to overcome negative emotions, between knowing what I should do and actually doing it is the most raw and real for me in parenting. It has exposed a level of weakness and anger in myself that I wasn't even aware was there. A level of frustration exists in me that brings me to my knees before my Savior. I have come to find that not only will God expose the sin weakness in my children to me, but it is so apparent to me that it's seemingly equally that God will expose my own sin weaknesses to me about myself through these children. They can make my typically calm, level-headed self disappear faster than I am aware of its disappearance. My agitation is ignited, at times, at lightning speed in ways no other human can provoke me.
My own sin grieves me today. Yes, I know my children are sinful and, yes, I do correct and train them as best and consistently as I can. But I find when I come to the end of tough times like this, that I'm upset and disappointed more in myself than in them. I have to own my sin. These tensions that arise as a parent are chances for me to reflect, grow in my knowledge of my own inclinations and be able to apologize to my young children. They are accountable for their own sin, but I am accountable for mine as well. They are not the source of my anger and irritation, my own sinful nature is. While it is NOT a sin to feel angry, agitated, overwhelmed, etc. it is those emotions that open the door to sinful thought processes and actions. I alone am accountable for these things. I am first and foremost accountable to God for them, even before my family. Repentance first belongs to him alone, but then I must own my mistakes, even to my small children. I should not have yelled at them for asking me simple questions just because I was agitated. I should not have just sent them to the other room just because I told them to "buzz off and give me my space" although not in those exact words. While space is good and inappropriate behavior is not good on their part, I'm accountable for my visceral reactions. Period.
And they need to hear from me that mommy makes mistakes too. Mommy has apologized to God first, and has come to them to ask for forgiveness too. This is God's grace in the middle of tension. It's all of our brokenness as a family (in the little and big things), kneeling before the cross of Christ and admitting once again how desperately we need him. If we are left to our own devices, we will fail.
When my children see reconciliation in the middle of brokenness and mistakes, THAT IS THE GOSPEL LIVED OUT IN FRONT OF THEM. This is what Christ did for us. He came down into the gook of my mistakes and yours, not with a shaking finger, but with a manger and a cross. He did for us what we could not do for ourselves. He restored the relationship. He is my example of what to do in these broken spaces. I am to embody what he has already done at Calvary. The work of reconciliation is part of their big process and part of mine. God is dedicated to our process of becoming more like him. I want to be dedicated to me own process AND theirs. Forgiveness and reconciliation not only need to be taught, but lived out. I am called tonight to do this with my kids and I will be called to do it again and again. I need not fear this process but embrace this chance to live the Gospel in the wake of my mistakes and theirs. We are all in this together.
The kicker is, it doesn't even have to be over big things. In fact, it is commonly over a build up of the small things. The defiant "NO" over dinner, coming out of the kitchen and finding one of my three-year-olds on our dining room table unscrewing the light bulbs out of the light fixture, the pee accident during the nap time, coming downstairs when my daughter takes too long to get her new underwear after the accident to find her having opened my Amazon package and messing with my TV remote, the sibling squabble over a blue stuffed teddy bear...it's the little things today. The little things that mounted into honestly not wanting to be around my kids or liking my kids today. I admit it. I really don't care to be around my kids today.
Of course, I put my big girl pants on and put dinner together amidst what felt like a million "MOM!" calls today. But I was curt, I was short, I was generally annoyed. I got to the point of seeing absolutely nothing good about my kids. When I realized I was spiraling, I went to the same questions and doubts that reside in the hearts of many moms. Am I a good mom? My kids don't mean to be so terrible, is this all my fault? If I parented better, they wouldn't be able to get up on tables without me noticing, right?! Am I failing my kids? I just need space from the insanity! I don't want to wound their sinful hearts with my own sin! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I'm angry at them. I'm angry at myself. I get angry with life and just want to run away and hide.
My children would not be "rising up to call me blessed" today. Jeez Louise.
But then I think of something I heard from Paul David Tripp once. He says that God is committed to our process...our process of becoming more like Him. It takes time, it doesn't happen overnight. That process is where grace meets our lives. It meets us when our pain and sin are the deepest and the most real. One of my most raw places where God meets me is in the tension of the battle in my parenting. I have NO idea what I'm doing. I try to be consistent and kind, but it's days like today when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind where I remember how much I really don't have it together.
These kids were designed for me and me for them. In our flaw and in our strengths. They will bring out sin in me that I wasn't even aware that I had. They push me outside of my comfort zone. They lie to me. They try to cheat, steal and do all the things they want to do in their innate selfishness. I did not have to teach them how to be bad, they have that all down pat on their own. But, then again, so do I. It doesn't take work for me to be selfish, lazy or not engaged. It comes naturally to me to want to take the road of least resistance, to drop consistency because it is inconvenient, to just want to get mad over "sin management" in the situation, rather than helping my child examine their own hearts in many situations...because it's WORK! Sometimes I don't want to do the hard stuff because I want to just do me. I want to have my space, my time and not be bothered.
This tension between loving my children, needing some time and space, lack of self-awareness when trying to overcome negative emotions, between knowing what I should do and actually doing it is the most raw and real for me in parenting. It has exposed a level of weakness and anger in myself that I wasn't even aware was there. A level of frustration exists in me that brings me to my knees before my Savior. I have come to find that not only will God expose the sin weakness in my children to me, but it is so apparent to me that it's seemingly equally that God will expose my own sin weaknesses to me about myself through these children. They can make my typically calm, level-headed self disappear faster than I am aware of its disappearance. My agitation is ignited, at times, at lightning speed in ways no other human can provoke me.
My own sin grieves me today. Yes, I know my children are sinful and, yes, I do correct and train them as best and consistently as I can. But I find when I come to the end of tough times like this, that I'm upset and disappointed more in myself than in them. I have to own my sin. These tensions that arise as a parent are chances for me to reflect, grow in my knowledge of my own inclinations and be able to apologize to my young children. They are accountable for their own sin, but I am accountable for mine as well. They are not the source of my anger and irritation, my own sinful nature is. While it is NOT a sin to feel angry, agitated, overwhelmed, etc. it is those emotions that open the door to sinful thought processes and actions. I alone am accountable for these things. I am first and foremost accountable to God for them, even before my family. Repentance first belongs to him alone, but then I must own my mistakes, even to my small children. I should not have yelled at them for asking me simple questions just because I was agitated. I should not have just sent them to the other room just because I told them to "buzz off and give me my space" although not in those exact words. While space is good and inappropriate behavior is not good on their part, I'm accountable for my visceral reactions. Period.
And they need to hear from me that mommy makes mistakes too. Mommy has apologized to God first, and has come to them to ask for forgiveness too. This is God's grace in the middle of tension. It's all of our brokenness as a family (in the little and big things), kneeling before the cross of Christ and admitting once again how desperately we need him. If we are left to our own devices, we will fail.
When my children see reconciliation in the middle of brokenness and mistakes, THAT IS THE GOSPEL LIVED OUT IN FRONT OF THEM. This is what Christ did for us. He came down into the gook of my mistakes and yours, not with a shaking finger, but with a manger and a cross. He did for us what we could not do for ourselves. He restored the relationship. He is my example of what to do in these broken spaces. I am to embody what he has already done at Calvary. The work of reconciliation is part of their big process and part of mine. God is dedicated to our process of becoming more like him. I want to be dedicated to me own process AND theirs. Forgiveness and reconciliation not only need to be taught, but lived out. I am called tonight to do this with my kids and I will be called to do it again and again. I need not fear this process but embrace this chance to live the Gospel in the wake of my mistakes and theirs. We are all in this together.
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