I have used food to self-soothe for many years. Maybe some of you can relate. Many times, you can tell how I'm doing emotionally by what my diet consists of. Whenever I get upset or overwhelmed, my first thoughts are about high quantities of sugar and carb related foods. Give me tons of junk food and I believe it makes me feel better. Reward sensors in my brain go "ding, ding, ding!"
I've recently discovered that mine is a common story, especially among those in "helping professions" (i.e. counselors, nurses, clergy, etc.). I know food is used by many for coping, however, I see a difference in some of us in these professions that often hinge on people's worst moments in life in their psychological, physical and spiritual health. We have been the caregivers of many, and most of us that has been our role most of our lives. In fact, many of us thrive on helping others. To the point where, if we aren't helping or realize that we are replaceable, this is painful for us. We LOVE being needed...but, sometimes...all that helping catches up to us. When we help others so often, we drain ourselves and do not refill. The trendy term right now is "self-care." Our self-care is neglected in the name of being needed and helping others. Many of us don't take a break to restore ourselves, because, after all, so many people need us. But many of us feel that, as much as we care for others, we don't get that same kind of care in return. So, people like me feel sugar-laiden foods calling our name! After all, it sends off all sorts of reward sensors in our brain, no matter how temporary. But the proverbial shot-in-the-arm it gives, the temporary high feels good.
I've found that many people choose to "care for themselves" by doing what makes them happy or what is easy and convenient. For me, when I'm overwhelmed or exhausted, the diet is the first thing to go. I love sugar and disregard the consequences. Case in point, between January and April I was feeling so much better while eating Keto, I'd dropped a few pounds, and I'd been consistent at CrossFit on MWF of each week. I was feeling and looking better than I had in awhile. As my stress level with school/work/home balance was rising, my eating took a huge dip. I was just exhausted and I didn't want to care about food...I just wanted to be happy. Sweet foods make me happy. I felt more and more drawn to them, regardless of the consequences. I had good days and bad days, as all humans do. But, I acknowledge that I make food choices consciously that I know full well are not in my body or mind's best interest. I tend to do this consistently when I am stressed.
Some of you know the marathon of a health journey that I've been on. I want to be clear, this has been a journey for me that is far from over. It started for me with a doctor's appointment in December 2015 where I was at the highest weight I'd ever been. I'd been through a lot that year, between Selah's injury and other things, that I was stressed to the max and eating constantly. I didn't know where to turn, so I turned to food. The thing is, even 2 years in and 30 some pounds lost and several pounds in muscle gained, the internal war continues. For me, this will be a marathon. I don't always do well. I get buried in shame and eat even more at times. I get started well, but often lose energy over time. I'm still trying to figure out how to stay motivated. I get lazy in life and lazy in my eating when I'm too stressed. This has been true on and off for the last 6 weeks. I feel yucky, my attitude is awful and my body feels weak. I don't like the feeling, and yet, at times, it doesn't detour me from making poor choices food-wise. I'm still trying to figure out why. I've gained more insight over time, but it's a long ways from being over.
My health journey is just that. It's a journey. But, it's a journey that my husband has been supportive of because, when I am consistent, I feel better and enjoy life more. He has learned a lot along the way too. He's learned that the food issue is often the cover of other issues (i.e. grief, stress). It's all that he's learned with me that has helped him become even more compassionate and understanding as he's watched me struggle. I'm not perfect, far from it. But, he's been encouraging and kind to me all along the way. (Side note: I'm super proud of him for becoming a health coach last month because it's his wheelhouse, but he's also seen me through literally years of struggle and is increasingly prepared for the stories and lives he will interact with!)
Anyway, I don't have a lot of answers. But I just wanted to share my story because I wanted people to know they're not alone. I know what it is to eat my emotion. As many gains as I've made in my health in the last couple of years, don't be fooled...my internal war is intense and ingrained in me from years of using food to cope with my life stressors. I want you to know, change is possible, but it may not come swiftly...and that's okay too. For me, my husband keeping me accountable has been helpful. His encouragement has been crucial. He's going to rock it as a health coach through both the accountability and encouragement he will provide others. I've never seen myself as a strong, capable or healthy person. This is the first time where I've taken my body and life seriously through activity (CrossFit has changed my life and my self-confidence level over the last year, I've improved a lot!) and dietary changes. But my struggle is real. And it's not over. But I've chosen that tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to take the summer to get refocused. 12 weeks of consistency in the hopes of building new habits. But I'm not naive enough to think this will suddenly end my poor coping skills, but I'm hoping to make more progress and be better than I was before!
By the way, for those that were concerned that Keto's restrictions made me "binge," let me tell you, that is not at all the case. For me, Keto has been a match made in heaven and I've loved it. But my years of coping with stress through food come back to haunt me. In fact, when I was really on the ball with Keto, it was always at home. If we were invited to a party and such, I'd indulge in a controlled way. I wasn't fearful or paranoid about what I was eating, I just made my own rule that I always eat Keto at home and there was more leniancy outside of the home. So, no worries, people :) I was confident in my life and my eating and I'd never felt better. I'm happy to go back, but I must be more cognizant of my weak times. I am accountable for what I eat, no one and nothing else can make me eat anything. I'm excited to go back to eating "real" food where it's unprocessed! I feel so much better when I do! If you need some accountability too, feel free to contact Jason, my husband at jason.taylor@marquette.edu. (Shameless plug, but not the point of me writing this at all). Accountability and encouragement were the key to my life changes, and in case that's the case for you, I wanted to let you know someone I trust is out there who understands the journey I've outlined here. Regardless of whether you contact him or not, I just want every emotional eater to know that you're not alone. But, there is hope, too. While the struggle remains, it doesn't have to control you. And even when it does feel that it controls you, you can get up and start again. I'm going to too...starting tomorrow!
Monday, May 28, 2018
Monday, January 29, 2018
Processing Grief & The Supportive Spouse
Sometimes, we have to practice what we preach and it's harder than we think it will be.
I lost my beloved Grandma on January 18, 2018. I got a call that day from my dad at 2:59pm that less than a week after getting a pacemaker, she had a brain hemorrhage and probably had hours left. By 5pm, I was in a rental car rushing to Iowa. This was my grandma who was like a second mom to me, and this was a shocking turn of events as she was "supposed" to be home that following weekend because she had done "so well" in her recovery. None of us were super worried about her because the doctors were happy with her progress. This wasn't the plan, she was supposed to be home in a couple of days. Now, I found myself sobbing and trying to get to her as soon as I could. I was hoping in my heart of hearts to get to say goodbye to this woman who had loved me and was so supportive of me throughout my life.
I was driving through the Dubuque area with all of its hills. I lost reception for over half an hour. I was thinking through what I wanted to say to my grandma. I really had no clear thoughts. Then it came to me, "Say hi to Jesus for me." There was that phrase, and then radio silence in my head and in my vehicle. About ten minutes later, I recovered reception to my cell and several minutes later, I received my dad's text..."Grandma passed." I cannot explain it, but I knew in my heart that she had. After I thought of that phrase, there was nothing else. I knew in my heart she was gone.
The next days were filled with planning of a funeral service that none of us had planned on. Days full of tears and hugs. I had volunteered (and the family agreed) to let me do my grandma's eulogy. It was an honor and I made it all the way through with only a mild break in the middle. In my own way, I got to "make it" to her bedside, even without officially making it. I wanted to honor my grandma, with all of her quirks and imperfections while still highlighting the big difference she made for many people, and with the reviews from church and family members, I believe I did.
But after all the "business" that had to be accomplished in terms of funeral preparations, we still have to go home. We still have to figure out what life looks like when the puzzle of our lives missing a piece. Studying to be a counselor, I've talked with many people about grief, including several talks with my grandpa this past week. He's an army man and loves planning and details, but being the great army man he was, he had to put his feelings to the side for the purpose of plans to get the job done. I talked with him about the importance of remembering that there is no "plan" for grief and its accompanying emotions. As we all had to go our separate ways and continue on in life, there will be minutes, hours and days where the grief will feel as real as it does now. It could be a sight, a sound, a smell that brings grandma's memory back to us and make the grief real all over again. What I told him was, "Lean in to the discomfort of grief and its accompanying emotions. Don't run away. Running away or suppressing them can make it worse." I also encouraged him to find his new "normal" and find things that bring him life and purpose. There is a balance between the aspects of life that he will have to find for himself.
But as I came home, I realized I needed to heed my own advice. I've been exhausted, teary and moody for the last three days in being home. I don't mean to be. Even reflecting on the funeral and eulogy as well as the life of my grandma and what she meant to me, means that my feelings are raw too. I took care of the "business" aspects of it too while in Iowa, and I came home and now need to decompress. I'm used to being a level-headed and kind individual on a lot of days, and I have been neither of those things since I came home. This is hard and humbling for me. I've had to ask for forgiveness and sleep more than normal. But, I also need to listen to my own advice. I need to embrace the discomfort of not "being myself" because suppressing it will make it worse for me too. I'm good at being busy and can use busyness to ignore my own feelings and needs. However, I need to allow the feelings to be what they are and not judge myself. I need to take a nap if I feel I need to. I need to accept that I am not okay right now and that in and of itself is okay. I will find my new normal, while still acknowledging that I've lost an important piece of my life when I lost my grandma. I don't know what grief will look like in the days to come, when it will hit, how hard the wave will hit, but I trust Jesus to carry me through the grief just as he carried my grandma up to his side. He is the One who carries us all and keeps us rooted in himself. While this wasn't my plan, it was always his plan, and I have to trust him in that too.
The biggest demonstration of grace has been given to me by my husband. I've needed naps. I've cried during my own birthday dinner over the smallest things. I've lashed out over nothing. Yet, he has been so kind. He has offered hugs and to take the kids. He has told me how much he loves me, while admitting that I am not acting like "myself" because he knows that grief is hard (he lost his own sister a year and a half earlier). He has spoken of how I saw him through the crushing blow of losing his sister and now he is here for me to do the same. This is the HARD stuff of marriage. When one falls apart, how does the other support? This is not the stuff of fairy tales. This is not happily ever after. This is the nitty gritty of life, in the scary moments and the moments of great loss. The days where you don't recognize your spouse because they've lost themselves. When you say "for better or worse," there are guarantees that the "worse" days will arrive. This world is broken, it is broken by sin, ugliness, loss and loneliness. We will inevitably experience these things over and over again. This is why who we marry matters. It is easy to get caught up in butterflies and flowers when you're newly in love, but when the rubber of life hits the road, the foundation of friendship, trust and honor are the things that either appear or they do not. You find what your relationship is really made of, which can be a scary prospect. It doesn't mean that we always handle things right or well, but that there is effort made to pick up the other's slack when they are immobilized by life's pain and brokenness. With this in mind, I want to talk about these things with my daughters about their choice in a mate. When it all breaks down, who will be in your corner? Who will do their best to show you the grace you need when you aren't sure of what you need at all? These are important questions for them to ask themselves. I can't make their partner choices for them, but I do want to help them think about it well, if I can help. Their father is such a good example of what it is to catch the other when they fall. I pray my girls can find a man willing to go the extra mile to love and care for them when they experience grief and hardship. But today, I'm so grateful for a husband who has shown me more grace than I deserve, thus showing even more the power of the Cross and the forgiveness of Jesus.
I don't know where this road of grief will lead, but I trust that the God that led my grandma safely home will also continue to lead me through the purpose-filled life he has for me.
I lost my beloved Grandma on January 18, 2018. I got a call that day from my dad at 2:59pm that less than a week after getting a pacemaker, she had a brain hemorrhage and probably had hours left. By 5pm, I was in a rental car rushing to Iowa. This was my grandma who was like a second mom to me, and this was a shocking turn of events as she was "supposed" to be home that following weekend because she had done "so well" in her recovery. None of us were super worried about her because the doctors were happy with her progress. This wasn't the plan, she was supposed to be home in a couple of days. Now, I found myself sobbing and trying to get to her as soon as I could. I was hoping in my heart of hearts to get to say goodbye to this woman who had loved me and was so supportive of me throughout my life.
I was driving through the Dubuque area with all of its hills. I lost reception for over half an hour. I was thinking through what I wanted to say to my grandma. I really had no clear thoughts. Then it came to me, "Say hi to Jesus for me." There was that phrase, and then radio silence in my head and in my vehicle. About ten minutes later, I recovered reception to my cell and several minutes later, I received my dad's text..."Grandma passed." I cannot explain it, but I knew in my heart that she had. After I thought of that phrase, there was nothing else. I knew in my heart she was gone.
The next days were filled with planning of a funeral service that none of us had planned on. Days full of tears and hugs. I had volunteered (and the family agreed) to let me do my grandma's eulogy. It was an honor and I made it all the way through with only a mild break in the middle. In my own way, I got to "make it" to her bedside, even without officially making it. I wanted to honor my grandma, with all of her quirks and imperfections while still highlighting the big difference she made for many people, and with the reviews from church and family members, I believe I did.
But after all the "business" that had to be accomplished in terms of funeral preparations, we still have to go home. We still have to figure out what life looks like when the puzzle of our lives missing a piece. Studying to be a counselor, I've talked with many people about grief, including several talks with my grandpa this past week. He's an army man and loves planning and details, but being the great army man he was, he had to put his feelings to the side for the purpose of plans to get the job done. I talked with him about the importance of remembering that there is no "plan" for grief and its accompanying emotions. As we all had to go our separate ways and continue on in life, there will be minutes, hours and days where the grief will feel as real as it does now. It could be a sight, a sound, a smell that brings grandma's memory back to us and make the grief real all over again. What I told him was, "Lean in to the discomfort of grief and its accompanying emotions. Don't run away. Running away or suppressing them can make it worse." I also encouraged him to find his new "normal" and find things that bring him life and purpose. There is a balance between the aspects of life that he will have to find for himself.
But as I came home, I realized I needed to heed my own advice. I've been exhausted, teary and moody for the last three days in being home. I don't mean to be. Even reflecting on the funeral and eulogy as well as the life of my grandma and what she meant to me, means that my feelings are raw too. I took care of the "business" aspects of it too while in Iowa, and I came home and now need to decompress. I'm used to being a level-headed and kind individual on a lot of days, and I have been neither of those things since I came home. This is hard and humbling for me. I've had to ask for forgiveness and sleep more than normal. But, I also need to listen to my own advice. I need to embrace the discomfort of not "being myself" because suppressing it will make it worse for me too. I'm good at being busy and can use busyness to ignore my own feelings and needs. However, I need to allow the feelings to be what they are and not judge myself. I need to take a nap if I feel I need to. I need to accept that I am not okay right now and that in and of itself is okay. I will find my new normal, while still acknowledging that I've lost an important piece of my life when I lost my grandma. I don't know what grief will look like in the days to come, when it will hit, how hard the wave will hit, but I trust Jesus to carry me through the grief just as he carried my grandma up to his side. He is the One who carries us all and keeps us rooted in himself. While this wasn't my plan, it was always his plan, and I have to trust him in that too.
The biggest demonstration of grace has been given to me by my husband. I've needed naps. I've cried during my own birthday dinner over the smallest things. I've lashed out over nothing. Yet, he has been so kind. He has offered hugs and to take the kids. He has told me how much he loves me, while admitting that I am not acting like "myself" because he knows that grief is hard (he lost his own sister a year and a half earlier). He has spoken of how I saw him through the crushing blow of losing his sister and now he is here for me to do the same. This is the HARD stuff of marriage. When one falls apart, how does the other support? This is not the stuff of fairy tales. This is not happily ever after. This is the nitty gritty of life, in the scary moments and the moments of great loss. The days where you don't recognize your spouse because they've lost themselves. When you say "for better or worse," there are guarantees that the "worse" days will arrive. This world is broken, it is broken by sin, ugliness, loss and loneliness. We will inevitably experience these things over and over again. This is why who we marry matters. It is easy to get caught up in butterflies and flowers when you're newly in love, but when the rubber of life hits the road, the foundation of friendship, trust and honor are the things that either appear or they do not. You find what your relationship is really made of, which can be a scary prospect. It doesn't mean that we always handle things right or well, but that there is effort made to pick up the other's slack when they are immobilized by life's pain and brokenness. With this in mind, I want to talk about these things with my daughters about their choice in a mate. When it all breaks down, who will be in your corner? Who will do their best to show you the grace you need when you aren't sure of what you need at all? These are important questions for them to ask themselves. I can't make their partner choices for them, but I do want to help them think about it well, if I can help. Their father is such a good example of what it is to catch the other when they fall. I pray my girls can find a man willing to go the extra mile to love and care for them when they experience grief and hardship. But today, I'm so grateful for a husband who has shown me more grace than I deserve, thus showing even more the power of the Cross and the forgiveness of Jesus.
I don't know where this road of grief will lead, but I trust that the God that led my grandma safely home will also continue to lead me through the purpose-filled life he has for me.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Parenting is Tension
There is a war that goes on inside of me in all facets of life, a tension between good and evil...of right and wrong...of Spirit and Flesh. It's hard. It's brutal. I've found that the area I become most aware of this battle in myself is with my children. They have their inner battle as well and sometimes it clashes with mine, and it clashes HARD!
The kicker is, it doesn't even have to be over big things. In fact, it is commonly over a build up of the small things. The defiant "NO" over dinner, coming out of the kitchen and finding one of my three-year-olds on our dining room table unscrewing the light bulbs out of the light fixture, the pee accident during the nap time, coming downstairs when my daughter takes too long to get her new underwear after the accident to find her having opened my Amazon package and messing with my TV remote, the sibling squabble over a blue stuffed teddy bear...it's the little things today. The little things that mounted into honestly not wanting to be around my kids or liking my kids today. I admit it. I really don't care to be around my kids today.
Of course, I put my big girl pants on and put dinner together amidst what felt like a million "MOM!" calls today. But I was curt, I was short, I was generally annoyed. I got to the point of seeing absolutely nothing good about my kids. When I realized I was spiraling, I went to the same questions and doubts that reside in the hearts of many moms. Am I a good mom? My kids don't mean to be so terrible, is this all my fault? If I parented better, they wouldn't be able to get up on tables without me noticing, right?! Am I failing my kids? I just need space from the insanity! I don't want to wound their sinful hearts with my own sin! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I'm angry at them. I'm angry at myself. I get angry with life and just want to run away and hide.
My children would not be "rising up to call me blessed" today. Jeez Louise.
But then I think of something I heard from Paul David Tripp once. He says that God is committed to our process...our process of becoming more like Him. It takes time, it doesn't happen overnight. That process is where grace meets our lives. It meets us when our pain and sin are the deepest and the most real. One of my most raw places where God meets me is in the tension of the battle in my parenting. I have NO idea what I'm doing. I try to be consistent and kind, but it's days like today when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind where I remember how much I really don't have it together.
These kids were designed for me and me for them. In our flaw and in our strengths. They will bring out sin in me that I wasn't even aware that I had. They push me outside of my comfort zone. They lie to me. They try to cheat, steal and do all the things they want to do in their innate selfishness. I did not have to teach them how to be bad, they have that all down pat on their own. But, then again, so do I. It doesn't take work for me to be selfish, lazy or not engaged. It comes naturally to me to want to take the road of least resistance, to drop consistency because it is inconvenient, to just want to get mad over "sin management" in the situation, rather than helping my child examine their own hearts in many situations...because it's WORK! Sometimes I don't want to do the hard stuff because I want to just do me. I want to have my space, my time and not be bothered.
This tension between loving my children, needing some time and space, lack of self-awareness when trying to overcome negative emotions, between knowing what I should do and actually doing it is the most raw and real for me in parenting. It has exposed a level of weakness and anger in myself that I wasn't even aware was there. A level of frustration exists in me that brings me to my knees before my Savior. I have come to find that not only will God expose the sin weakness in my children to me, but it is so apparent to me that it's seemingly equally that God will expose my own sin weaknesses to me about myself through these children. They can make my typically calm, level-headed self disappear faster than I am aware of its disappearance. My agitation is ignited, at times, at lightning speed in ways no other human can provoke me.
My own sin grieves me today. Yes, I know my children are sinful and, yes, I do correct and train them as best and consistently as I can. But I find when I come to the end of tough times like this, that I'm upset and disappointed more in myself than in them. I have to own my sin. These tensions that arise as a parent are chances for me to reflect, grow in my knowledge of my own inclinations and be able to apologize to my young children. They are accountable for their own sin, but I am accountable for mine as well. They are not the source of my anger and irritation, my own sinful nature is. While it is NOT a sin to feel angry, agitated, overwhelmed, etc. it is those emotions that open the door to sinful thought processes and actions. I alone am accountable for these things. I am first and foremost accountable to God for them, even before my family. Repentance first belongs to him alone, but then I must own my mistakes, even to my small children. I should not have yelled at them for asking me simple questions just because I was agitated. I should not have just sent them to the other room just because I told them to "buzz off and give me my space" although not in those exact words. While space is good and inappropriate behavior is not good on their part, I'm accountable for my visceral reactions. Period.
And they need to hear from me that mommy makes mistakes too. Mommy has apologized to God first, and has come to them to ask for forgiveness too. This is God's grace in the middle of tension. It's all of our brokenness as a family (in the little and big things), kneeling before the cross of Christ and admitting once again how desperately we need him. If we are left to our own devices, we will fail.
When my children see reconciliation in the middle of brokenness and mistakes, THAT IS THE GOSPEL LIVED OUT IN FRONT OF THEM. This is what Christ did for us. He came down into the gook of my mistakes and yours, not with a shaking finger, but with a manger and a cross. He did for us what we could not do for ourselves. He restored the relationship. He is my example of what to do in these broken spaces. I am to embody what he has already done at Calvary. The work of reconciliation is part of their big process and part of mine. God is dedicated to our process of becoming more like him. I want to be dedicated to me own process AND theirs. Forgiveness and reconciliation not only need to be taught, but lived out. I am called tonight to do this with my kids and I will be called to do it again and again. I need not fear this process but embrace this chance to live the Gospel in the wake of my mistakes and theirs. We are all in this together.
The kicker is, it doesn't even have to be over big things. In fact, it is commonly over a build up of the small things. The defiant "NO" over dinner, coming out of the kitchen and finding one of my three-year-olds on our dining room table unscrewing the light bulbs out of the light fixture, the pee accident during the nap time, coming downstairs when my daughter takes too long to get her new underwear after the accident to find her having opened my Amazon package and messing with my TV remote, the sibling squabble over a blue stuffed teddy bear...it's the little things today. The little things that mounted into honestly not wanting to be around my kids or liking my kids today. I admit it. I really don't care to be around my kids today.
Of course, I put my big girl pants on and put dinner together amidst what felt like a million "MOM!" calls today. But I was curt, I was short, I was generally annoyed. I got to the point of seeing absolutely nothing good about my kids. When I realized I was spiraling, I went to the same questions and doubts that reside in the hearts of many moms. Am I a good mom? My kids don't mean to be so terrible, is this all my fault? If I parented better, they wouldn't be able to get up on tables without me noticing, right?! Am I failing my kids? I just need space from the insanity! I don't want to wound their sinful hearts with my own sin! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I'm angry at them. I'm angry at myself. I get angry with life and just want to run away and hide.
My children would not be "rising up to call me blessed" today. Jeez Louise.
But then I think of something I heard from Paul David Tripp once. He says that God is committed to our process...our process of becoming more like Him. It takes time, it doesn't happen overnight. That process is where grace meets our lives. It meets us when our pain and sin are the deepest and the most real. One of my most raw places where God meets me is in the tension of the battle in my parenting. I have NO idea what I'm doing. I try to be consistent and kind, but it's days like today when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind where I remember how much I really don't have it together.
These kids were designed for me and me for them. In our flaw and in our strengths. They will bring out sin in me that I wasn't even aware that I had. They push me outside of my comfort zone. They lie to me. They try to cheat, steal and do all the things they want to do in their innate selfishness. I did not have to teach them how to be bad, they have that all down pat on their own. But, then again, so do I. It doesn't take work for me to be selfish, lazy or not engaged. It comes naturally to me to want to take the road of least resistance, to drop consistency because it is inconvenient, to just want to get mad over "sin management" in the situation, rather than helping my child examine their own hearts in many situations...because it's WORK! Sometimes I don't want to do the hard stuff because I want to just do me. I want to have my space, my time and not be bothered.
This tension between loving my children, needing some time and space, lack of self-awareness when trying to overcome negative emotions, between knowing what I should do and actually doing it is the most raw and real for me in parenting. It has exposed a level of weakness and anger in myself that I wasn't even aware was there. A level of frustration exists in me that brings me to my knees before my Savior. I have come to find that not only will God expose the sin weakness in my children to me, but it is so apparent to me that it's seemingly equally that God will expose my own sin weaknesses to me about myself through these children. They can make my typically calm, level-headed self disappear faster than I am aware of its disappearance. My agitation is ignited, at times, at lightning speed in ways no other human can provoke me.
My own sin grieves me today. Yes, I know my children are sinful and, yes, I do correct and train them as best and consistently as I can. But I find when I come to the end of tough times like this, that I'm upset and disappointed more in myself than in them. I have to own my sin. These tensions that arise as a parent are chances for me to reflect, grow in my knowledge of my own inclinations and be able to apologize to my young children. They are accountable for their own sin, but I am accountable for mine as well. They are not the source of my anger and irritation, my own sinful nature is. While it is NOT a sin to feel angry, agitated, overwhelmed, etc. it is those emotions that open the door to sinful thought processes and actions. I alone am accountable for these things. I am first and foremost accountable to God for them, even before my family. Repentance first belongs to him alone, but then I must own my mistakes, even to my small children. I should not have yelled at them for asking me simple questions just because I was agitated. I should not have just sent them to the other room just because I told them to "buzz off and give me my space" although not in those exact words. While space is good and inappropriate behavior is not good on their part, I'm accountable for my visceral reactions. Period.
And they need to hear from me that mommy makes mistakes too. Mommy has apologized to God first, and has come to them to ask for forgiveness too. This is God's grace in the middle of tension. It's all of our brokenness as a family (in the little and big things), kneeling before the cross of Christ and admitting once again how desperately we need him. If we are left to our own devices, we will fail.
When my children see reconciliation in the middle of brokenness and mistakes, THAT IS THE GOSPEL LIVED OUT IN FRONT OF THEM. This is what Christ did for us. He came down into the gook of my mistakes and yours, not with a shaking finger, but with a manger and a cross. He did for us what we could not do for ourselves. He restored the relationship. He is my example of what to do in these broken spaces. I am to embody what he has already done at Calvary. The work of reconciliation is part of their big process and part of mine. God is dedicated to our process of becoming more like him. I want to be dedicated to me own process AND theirs. Forgiveness and reconciliation not only need to be taught, but lived out. I am called tonight to do this with my kids and I will be called to do it again and again. I need not fear this process but embrace this chance to live the Gospel in the wake of my mistakes and theirs. We are all in this together.
Sunday, September 3, 2017
Ripples of Redemption
I'm in a place of needing to reflect on the faithfulness of God in the tough places. So here it goes...
About two years ago, our case of Selah's injury came to a close. (If you'd like to read a bit more about that, go to my "God gives us 'just enough' trials.' entry from October 2016) It was one of the most terrifying times of my life. I genuinely thought that just surviving it would be enough. Just make it through the social workers, parental observations, lawyers, family scheduling for 24/7 care and such. If I just survived it, if my family survived it, I trusted that the faithfulness of God would be seen in it, even as hard as it was. I could tell you story after story of the grace of God in it, from the crisis intervention guy from the state calling us a "pleasure" to work with because we treated him respectfully in the middle of our grief, to finding favor with our parental supervisors, to friends and family coming through in the clutch, to so much more. I thought that the steadfast faith God gave me, Him being the glue that held us together, the grace we got to be to those around us, I really thought that was enough.
God had so much more in mind.
This past summer, I went to my counseling class that was on campus at Liberty University for my working toward Marriage and Family Therapy degree. It was a skills class, and one of the classmates who was my faux "counselor" to practice the skills, was a great listener to my story. She remained calm but reflected my emotions well, which was what we were trying to do. However, she told me afterward that she had to contain herself because her sister just happened to have gone through the exact same thing that we did just months earlier. There was an unexplained injury to her sister's child, her sister had to be watched and interrogated, and my classmate's faith felt completely shattered at an unfair situation. However, after hearing my story and how God held us together in all the anguish, she told me she believed she needed to meet me and God had designed it. She saw the strength God has provided in the middle of the injustice of our situation, and that I came out on the other side not bitter or angry. Yes, I still have residual fear of bringing my kids into the doctor for small injuries (as part of the aftermath of that situation), but the Lord was my anchor. She said it was amazing that I had experienced the same kind of duress as her sister experience, but could hear and see how God kept me close through it all, and she desperately needed to see that after watching her sister's hardships.
If that experience weren't enough, two weeks ago I had to go to church to get my staff photo taken for the church's website, and one of the other staff members asked if I was going to the staff meeting after and I said I couldn't because of having the kids and no sitter. Her daughter offered to watch them and I was so excited to be able to go and just feel connected to the whole staff. However, at the meeting I originally was not supposed to be at, there was an announcement that an Iraqi acquaintance of our church had gotten in touch with a staff member because, lo and behold, they had an unexplained injury to their child and were being investigated by social services. I was stunned. I immediately raised my hand and briefly said I had experienced the same type of issues a couple of years ago and I would love to talk with them about my experience and see if I could offer support. By God's grace, I ended up being able to meet with the family that evening and was able to explain my story to them and help guide them in their understanding and what to expect from the situation. They were grateful and I ended up being able to prepare them for their meeting with the social worker last week. Because of our preparation together they knew what to expect and remained calm during the entire process of being told they would have to be supervised with their children like we were. They ended up in tears, absolutely understandable and expected, but their anger had tapered off as they understood more of what was coming. I will end up stopping by their home to check on them in the future and hope to build a relationship with them and be a light of the Gospel to them as well.
God is good. He is faithful. He saw these needs of these families before the creation of the world and wanted these families to see Himself, so He redeems my story yet again.
On another note, before I had met my husband, I had a boyfriend before him for a year and half. He was a young man trying to re-prioritize, get his life back on track, and struggling with who he wanted to be. He was kind to me, helped me see I was more capable than I believed myself to be, and was overall good to me. However, he always struggled with commitment and once I moved an hour away, our relationship fell apart and he cheated on me. This was one of those things that I genuinely thought would never happen to me. I was in my mid-20s and as loyal as they come. I thought no one would ever cheat on me because I was such a faithful person (naïve, I know, but it's what I thought). I didn't know how to process this and the residual effect afterward. I met my husband shortly after that, and we were married a year later. My scars from that time did make me a little untrusting at times, but overall, I thought my resilience from the situation was the point. The Lord held me together as I fell apart, an important thing I held on to as I struggled with things from Selah's situation, and I felt that was all I needed to learn.
About the end of the Selah situation, we moved here to the home we now reside in. We met our young neighbor from behind us, but didn't know much about him. But all over time, his story was eerily reminiscent of my ex's story. He was from the same town in MN, he had a tattoo of MN on his body too, he was a young man who used to party but was now about 5 hours away from home, he goes back to visit his "friends" but doesn't really feel connected with them anymore as he's starting to mature, and the list goes on and on. If I had met my ex in his early 20s, our neighbor would have been a lot like him. Trying to find his way, yet feeling so lost at the same time. As I put the pieces together, I about cried. In all of my heartache at the time in 2011, I never would have dreamed that in 2017, I'd be having a deep conversation with another young man so similar to him. I remembered with so much empathy the pain my ex was going through trying to figure out where he was going, and I walked into the conversation a few weeks ago with my neighbor with so much compassion that he couldn't believe how well I understood him and his stories. He also was attentive to my couple of insights and questions as I listened to him, because he felt so understood by me. I had no idea that God would use my struggle, my heartache, my anger, and my redemption to be able to manifest itself in His Love for my neighbor.
God has shown that he saw my neighbor's struggles years before he would be struggling. He already had a plan to show him Grace by using my story SIX YEARS LATER to point my neighbor toward Redemption...I promise you, Jesus sees your story too. He loves you and has plans to point you toward himself, and he may use your heartache to change someone else's life too. You never know how God is working behind the scenes, both in you and on your behalf. Trust Him, He will carry you.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.
We so often lean on the words of "comfort" used in this set of verses. But I'd like to remind us, in verse 5 it says, "For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings..." My friends, we will suffer. Jesus guarantees it in the Gospel. We don't get to get out of this life scar-free. We just don't. He will work miracles, He will rescue us at times. But many times He won't. He will walk with us through our pain and suffering and the pain reminds us that:
1) This world is not our home.
2) Sin has really broken this world.
3) We have to lean INTO Him and not away from Him, for He is the Everlasting Hope
Romans 8:28 is a commonly misunderstood verse about "All things work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose." When this verse is actually put into it's correct context when you realize the entire passage is about an Eternal Redemption. Put in it's proper situation within the passage, it does NOT promise that you will get "better things down the road." That is completely off the mark of the actual passage. We are GUARANTEED suffering in this life by Jesus himself and throughout the New Testament and we are not ever promised in Scripture things will get better in this life. We are not, ever. I wish we were. When bad things happen though, Romans 8 reminds us that in Eternity, things will be set right. Our relationship with God and to each other will be as it should be. The things we went through in this life will be redeemed through the work of the cross. We will get to watch on the precipice of our lives and look over it and see God's handiwork throughout the course of our ups and downs. And we will fall on our knees in our newly rectified bodies and give all glory for the Tapestry of Life God has made for us individually and corporately to Him that wove the Tapestry in the first place.
I'm sorry I can't guarantee health, marriage, happiness, the right jobs, etc. to anyone reading this...but at the same time, I'm not completely sorry...because I guarantee you, as C.S. said that God whispers through tangible blessings but pain is His megaphone. It shows how broken we are and the world is without Him and He beckons us to return to Him. He doesn't want the pain for us, but it reminds us of why rejecting Him is such a painfully broken way to live. He wants us to return to Him.
I wanted to reflect on how God has used my pain to bring hope to others, because I, like the nation of Israel, have "spiritual amnesia." I don't reflect on God's faithfulness as often as I wish I would. It's such a place of solace, that even in our broken places...not only does He see our pain, but He will use it to bring others closer to Himself. And as the Apostle Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
If we are struggling now, may we fix our eyes on the eternal, knowing that even if we don't see justice and peace now, we are guaranteed we Ultimately will.
If God has graced us with perseverance to move to a new season beyond the affliction, may we be attentive to who He puts in our path that we may give light and hope to as we have experienced His "comfort" and so desire to pass that "comfort" on that we have seen.
About two years ago, our case of Selah's injury came to a close. (If you'd like to read a bit more about that, go to my "God gives us 'just enough' trials.' entry from October 2016) It was one of the most terrifying times of my life. I genuinely thought that just surviving it would be enough. Just make it through the social workers, parental observations, lawyers, family scheduling for 24/7 care and such. If I just survived it, if my family survived it, I trusted that the faithfulness of God would be seen in it, even as hard as it was. I could tell you story after story of the grace of God in it, from the crisis intervention guy from the state calling us a "pleasure" to work with because we treated him respectfully in the middle of our grief, to finding favor with our parental supervisors, to friends and family coming through in the clutch, to so much more. I thought that the steadfast faith God gave me, Him being the glue that held us together, the grace we got to be to those around us, I really thought that was enough.
God had so much more in mind.
This past summer, I went to my counseling class that was on campus at Liberty University for my working toward Marriage and Family Therapy degree. It was a skills class, and one of the classmates who was my faux "counselor" to practice the skills, was a great listener to my story. She remained calm but reflected my emotions well, which was what we were trying to do. However, she told me afterward that she had to contain herself because her sister just happened to have gone through the exact same thing that we did just months earlier. There was an unexplained injury to her sister's child, her sister had to be watched and interrogated, and my classmate's faith felt completely shattered at an unfair situation. However, after hearing my story and how God held us together in all the anguish, she told me she believed she needed to meet me and God had designed it. She saw the strength God has provided in the middle of the injustice of our situation, and that I came out on the other side not bitter or angry. Yes, I still have residual fear of bringing my kids into the doctor for small injuries (as part of the aftermath of that situation), but the Lord was my anchor. She said it was amazing that I had experienced the same kind of duress as her sister experience, but could hear and see how God kept me close through it all, and she desperately needed to see that after watching her sister's hardships.
If that experience weren't enough, two weeks ago I had to go to church to get my staff photo taken for the church's website, and one of the other staff members asked if I was going to the staff meeting after and I said I couldn't because of having the kids and no sitter. Her daughter offered to watch them and I was so excited to be able to go and just feel connected to the whole staff. However, at the meeting I originally was not supposed to be at, there was an announcement that an Iraqi acquaintance of our church had gotten in touch with a staff member because, lo and behold, they had an unexplained injury to their child and were being investigated by social services. I was stunned. I immediately raised my hand and briefly said I had experienced the same type of issues a couple of years ago and I would love to talk with them about my experience and see if I could offer support. By God's grace, I ended up being able to meet with the family that evening and was able to explain my story to them and help guide them in their understanding and what to expect from the situation. They were grateful and I ended up being able to prepare them for their meeting with the social worker last week. Because of our preparation together they knew what to expect and remained calm during the entire process of being told they would have to be supervised with their children like we were. They ended up in tears, absolutely understandable and expected, but their anger had tapered off as they understood more of what was coming. I will end up stopping by their home to check on them in the future and hope to build a relationship with them and be a light of the Gospel to them as well.
God is good. He is faithful. He saw these needs of these families before the creation of the world and wanted these families to see Himself, so He redeems my story yet again.
On another note, before I had met my husband, I had a boyfriend before him for a year and half. He was a young man trying to re-prioritize, get his life back on track, and struggling with who he wanted to be. He was kind to me, helped me see I was more capable than I believed myself to be, and was overall good to me. However, he always struggled with commitment and once I moved an hour away, our relationship fell apart and he cheated on me. This was one of those things that I genuinely thought would never happen to me. I was in my mid-20s and as loyal as they come. I thought no one would ever cheat on me because I was such a faithful person (naïve, I know, but it's what I thought). I didn't know how to process this and the residual effect afterward. I met my husband shortly after that, and we were married a year later. My scars from that time did make me a little untrusting at times, but overall, I thought my resilience from the situation was the point. The Lord held me together as I fell apart, an important thing I held on to as I struggled with things from Selah's situation, and I felt that was all I needed to learn.
About the end of the Selah situation, we moved here to the home we now reside in. We met our young neighbor from behind us, but didn't know much about him. But all over time, his story was eerily reminiscent of my ex's story. He was from the same town in MN, he had a tattoo of MN on his body too, he was a young man who used to party but was now about 5 hours away from home, he goes back to visit his "friends" but doesn't really feel connected with them anymore as he's starting to mature, and the list goes on and on. If I had met my ex in his early 20s, our neighbor would have been a lot like him. Trying to find his way, yet feeling so lost at the same time. As I put the pieces together, I about cried. In all of my heartache at the time in 2011, I never would have dreamed that in 2017, I'd be having a deep conversation with another young man so similar to him. I remembered with so much empathy the pain my ex was going through trying to figure out where he was going, and I walked into the conversation a few weeks ago with my neighbor with so much compassion that he couldn't believe how well I understood him and his stories. He also was attentive to my couple of insights and questions as I listened to him, because he felt so understood by me. I had no idea that God would use my struggle, my heartache, my anger, and my redemption to be able to manifest itself in His Love for my neighbor.
God has shown that he saw my neighbor's struggles years before he would be struggling. He already had a plan to show him Grace by using my story SIX YEARS LATER to point my neighbor toward Redemption...I promise you, Jesus sees your story too. He loves you and has plans to point you toward himself, and he may use your heartache to change someone else's life too. You never know how God is working behind the scenes, both in you and on your behalf. Trust Him, He will carry you.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.
We so often lean on the words of "comfort" used in this set of verses. But I'd like to remind us, in verse 5 it says, "For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings..." My friends, we will suffer. Jesus guarantees it in the Gospel. We don't get to get out of this life scar-free. We just don't. He will work miracles, He will rescue us at times. But many times He won't. He will walk with us through our pain and suffering and the pain reminds us that:
1) This world is not our home.
2) Sin has really broken this world.
3) We have to lean INTO Him and not away from Him, for He is the Everlasting Hope
Romans 8:28 is a commonly misunderstood verse about "All things work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose." When this verse is actually put into it's correct context when you realize the entire passage is about an Eternal Redemption. Put in it's proper situation within the passage, it does NOT promise that you will get "better things down the road." That is completely off the mark of the actual passage. We are GUARANTEED suffering in this life by Jesus himself and throughout the New Testament and we are not ever promised in Scripture things will get better in this life. We are not, ever. I wish we were. When bad things happen though, Romans 8 reminds us that in Eternity, things will be set right. Our relationship with God and to each other will be as it should be. The things we went through in this life will be redeemed through the work of the cross. We will get to watch on the precipice of our lives and look over it and see God's handiwork throughout the course of our ups and downs. And we will fall on our knees in our newly rectified bodies and give all glory for the Tapestry of Life God has made for us individually and corporately to Him that wove the Tapestry in the first place.
I'm sorry I can't guarantee health, marriage, happiness, the right jobs, etc. to anyone reading this...but at the same time, I'm not completely sorry...because I guarantee you, as C.S. said that God whispers through tangible blessings but pain is His megaphone. It shows how broken we are and the world is without Him and He beckons us to return to Him. He doesn't want the pain for us, but it reminds us of why rejecting Him is such a painfully broken way to live. He wants us to return to Him.
I wanted to reflect on how God has used my pain to bring hope to others, because I, like the nation of Israel, have "spiritual amnesia." I don't reflect on God's faithfulness as often as I wish I would. It's such a place of solace, that even in our broken places...not only does He see our pain, but He will use it to bring others closer to Himself. And as the Apostle Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
If we are struggling now, may we fix our eyes on the eternal, knowing that even if we don't see justice and peace now, we are guaranteed we Ultimately will.
If God has graced us with perseverance to move to a new season beyond the affliction, may we be attentive to who He puts in our path that we may give light and hope to as we have experienced His "comfort" and so desire to pass that "comfort" on that we have seen.
Saturday, September 2, 2017
Grace Toward Self? A Life-Long Battle
All of my life, I've struggled with my behavior being indicative of my worth. I remember having this inner turmoil since childhood. I wanted to do things right the first time around, I liked the praise of others and worked extremely hard to get it, and failing was not an option. I expected more of myself than anyone else, and part of my struggle was I projected on others what I thought that they thought of me and expected of me, even when I had no real reason to do so. I give myself next to no leeway, even now. To be fair to myself, I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be, but I still can't shake my inner desire to do well every time and not fail. When I do fail, I barrage myself with things I should have or could have done better. It's like a tidal wave of second guessing and self-bashing. "I should have known better," "I should have followed my gut," "I should have thought this through better," "You're so stupid..." are all common phrases that have become part of my regular thought life. It would be one thing if I were looking to grow from these phrases, but I'm not. I'm looking to make myself feel belittled for falling short. I don't know why I do it. Truthfully, it's probably something I should talk about with my counselor to have an outside perspective who will ask me questions. But this is a very real part of my life and I don't ever remember being anything other than self-deprivating. I'm working on it, and like I said I have gotten way better than I used to be, but it became clear to me today that I still don't get it...
The reason why was I was listening to the audiobook version of Michelle Anthony's book "Spiritual Parenting." This book is a really amazing and big-picture view of the Gospel, moving away from behavior-centered parenting and helping our children understand the heart that underlies their actions. She conveys a story of her 16-year-old daughter, at the time, who was begging to be able to have a night alone in the house where she could invite a couple of friends over and hang out, be able to cook and watch movies. They were reluctant as parents to indulge her. But, they gave her a shot when their church had an overnight retreat for couples and their son was away at a friend's for the night. They wanted her to spread her wings under their roof. However, this chance to make choices for their daughter ended up being a phone call early the next morning to her parents with her crying on the other end saying, "I'm so sorry, mom." Turns out that her friends had invited other friends and the low-key night in turned into a huge party with illegal activities, people she didn't know, and police knocking on the door of the home. The police who, by the way, this daughter's dad was the chaplain for. They even walked into the home, reportedly, and said, "Isn't this chaplain Anthony's house?! Nice."
Michelle, as the mother, was seething. The house had been reported to be a dump and her husband went home first from the retreat so Michelle could cool down. She started praying and couldn't shake the feeling that even though she wanted to have her daughter pack up her things to spend the rest of the summer somewhere else, that she should have her daughter pack up her things for a different reason...a getaway with mom. Michelle says all the went through her mind and heart, after some fairly normal visceral reaction, was, "She has forgotten who she is. Remind her." Michelle followed this cue, after having her daughter write an essay on what belonging to Jesus looks like at 16-years-old (which the essay itself is jaw-dropping), and took her on a weekend retreat up to the mountains. They talked, ate, shopped, surfed and other activities. Michelle reminded her that not only was she still valuable and loved by her mother, but that she needed to remember Whose she was. Taking her away for a little bit helped reset her mind, and the rest of her high school years. (Although, after she returned, she still had a list of consequences for her actions, but she was reminded that her actions are not her identity).
You may disagree with her methods, but that aside, her daughter's retreat was 3 years previous to the writing of the book. However, the daughter had written her a Mother's Day card from college that year she was writing the book. She thanked her very specifically for that trip after such a huge mistake. She said that she realized that at a time where her mom could have easily pushed her away for her actions, instead, she drew her closer. She stated this had taught her that when she also made mistakes in life, that she didn't have to run and hide, but could bring her actions to a God, who in her grief, would hold her close and not shake his finger at her. She understood now that there were consequences still for bad decisions, but that because her identity was in Christ, she knew she could run TO the Father instead of running AWAY from the Father.
I, without any warning, burst into tears as I was setting up the Preschool area at church. My tears startled me so much that I actually didn't know what to do with them. I kept working and on my drive to Starbucks just now, I realized why it effected me so instantaneously. I realized that when I behave badly, I DO hide. I'm so embarrassed, afraid of His disapproval...thinking I have embarrassed Him, that He will see me as "less than" because of my actions, I'm afraid that I've moved down on his approval list (that I've lost GPA points in His great system)...I just run away and hide or deny that I made the action in the first place. Even writing this, it's completely not biblical and complete nonsense in general. I realized my tears were that even with all of my years in the church, there was so much more to understand about grace. I don't see at all how Christ sees me or why he would find me worthy to die for. I fight every day to earn grace. This is just insanity.
But maybe that is what makes grace so remarkable in the first place. It's the fact that we get small glimpses of grace, and when we get those small glimpses as human beings (not even just as believers, but in general), it moves something deep in our soul. It moves in us a built-in longing to be able to release our guilt and shame. We KNOW our striving will never be good enough, our legacy will never be long enough, our painfully bad decisions have nowhere to go for release if we are just atoms banging together. There is no relief from past guilt and shame. Even if we "move on," the guilt still lingers. The questions still linger. When we are in bed at night by ourselves and we second guess every decision we've made up unto that point, where does it go? No matter if we try to treat our bad actions and the bad decisions of others as if they didn't happen, we are never truly satisfied. We have something in us that knows that no matter how "good" we are, we always fall short. We know it in our hearts because He has written it on us that there is something missing, and it's Him. The fact that He himself comes down to bridge the gap we cannot, no matter how hard we try, is incomprehensible and humbling. I've realized I don't know what it is to just "be" with him, I always have to have worked hard, put my time in, almost like the older brother in the story of the Prodigal. But today was another reminder, in this lifelong marathon of experiencing grace, that works don't make me more loved. It's trusting in the faithfulness of the Father to me in the middle of my brokenness that brings me to new levels of understanding of grace.
Today has reminded me that I still have not even scratched the surface of grace. Maybe I, like Michelle's daughter, have lost that identity in who He is. Maybe my striving to prove myself worthy, and hoping to show that I am worth His sacrifice really actually shows that I don't understand grace as much as I think. Maybe I've missed the Gospel in how I see myself and my identity is overall misplaced. But my Father is standing with His arms wide open and invites me to lay down the "try harder" burden, express my regret of trying to take on a self-salvation process, and immerse myself in who He is and who He has called me to be because of His Great Grace in Jesus. Maybe I need to turn to Him in my mistakes and falling short and say, "Thank you that you've already caught me in my fall because I am Yours. Remind me of who You say I am in You." Instead of my internal voice being used as a weapon that Satan can use to rip me to shreds, turning back to the One who finds humanity, including me, so valuable that He gave His life that He shouldn't "have had" to give. He is so good, so kind, so faithful, that He continues to chip away at these concepts in my life over and over again. He is the Perfect Parent, and He will walk with me through my own journey as a Child of God in parenthood as well. I'm so grateful that He is so patient with me. I'm grateful for the reality of his Grace today all over again.
When He could have pushed me away, instead He draws me close.
I am loved. I am whole, seen and known because of who He is, what He's done, and Whose He says I am. I pray I continue to grow from here.
The reason why was I was listening to the audiobook version of Michelle Anthony's book "Spiritual Parenting." This book is a really amazing and big-picture view of the Gospel, moving away from behavior-centered parenting and helping our children understand the heart that underlies their actions. She conveys a story of her 16-year-old daughter, at the time, who was begging to be able to have a night alone in the house where she could invite a couple of friends over and hang out, be able to cook and watch movies. They were reluctant as parents to indulge her. But, they gave her a shot when their church had an overnight retreat for couples and their son was away at a friend's for the night. They wanted her to spread her wings under their roof. However, this chance to make choices for their daughter ended up being a phone call early the next morning to her parents with her crying on the other end saying, "I'm so sorry, mom." Turns out that her friends had invited other friends and the low-key night in turned into a huge party with illegal activities, people she didn't know, and police knocking on the door of the home. The police who, by the way, this daughter's dad was the chaplain for. They even walked into the home, reportedly, and said, "Isn't this chaplain Anthony's house?! Nice."
Michelle, as the mother, was seething. The house had been reported to be a dump and her husband went home first from the retreat so Michelle could cool down. She started praying and couldn't shake the feeling that even though she wanted to have her daughter pack up her things to spend the rest of the summer somewhere else, that she should have her daughter pack up her things for a different reason...a getaway with mom. Michelle says all the went through her mind and heart, after some fairly normal visceral reaction, was, "She has forgotten who she is. Remind her." Michelle followed this cue, after having her daughter write an essay on what belonging to Jesus looks like at 16-years-old (which the essay itself is jaw-dropping), and took her on a weekend retreat up to the mountains. They talked, ate, shopped, surfed and other activities. Michelle reminded her that not only was she still valuable and loved by her mother, but that she needed to remember Whose she was. Taking her away for a little bit helped reset her mind, and the rest of her high school years. (Although, after she returned, she still had a list of consequences for her actions, but she was reminded that her actions are not her identity).
You may disagree with her methods, but that aside, her daughter's retreat was 3 years previous to the writing of the book. However, the daughter had written her a Mother's Day card from college that year she was writing the book. She thanked her very specifically for that trip after such a huge mistake. She said that she realized that at a time where her mom could have easily pushed her away for her actions, instead, she drew her closer. She stated this had taught her that when she also made mistakes in life, that she didn't have to run and hide, but could bring her actions to a God, who in her grief, would hold her close and not shake his finger at her. She understood now that there were consequences still for bad decisions, but that because her identity was in Christ, she knew she could run TO the Father instead of running AWAY from the Father.
I, without any warning, burst into tears as I was setting up the Preschool area at church. My tears startled me so much that I actually didn't know what to do with them. I kept working and on my drive to Starbucks just now, I realized why it effected me so instantaneously. I realized that when I behave badly, I DO hide. I'm so embarrassed, afraid of His disapproval...thinking I have embarrassed Him, that He will see me as "less than" because of my actions, I'm afraid that I've moved down on his approval list (that I've lost GPA points in His great system)...I just run away and hide or deny that I made the action in the first place. Even writing this, it's completely not biblical and complete nonsense in general. I realized my tears were that even with all of my years in the church, there was so much more to understand about grace. I don't see at all how Christ sees me or why he would find me worthy to die for. I fight every day to earn grace. This is just insanity.
But maybe that is what makes grace so remarkable in the first place. It's the fact that we get small glimpses of grace, and when we get those small glimpses as human beings (not even just as believers, but in general), it moves something deep in our soul. It moves in us a built-in longing to be able to release our guilt and shame. We KNOW our striving will never be good enough, our legacy will never be long enough, our painfully bad decisions have nowhere to go for release if we are just atoms banging together. There is no relief from past guilt and shame. Even if we "move on," the guilt still lingers. The questions still linger. When we are in bed at night by ourselves and we second guess every decision we've made up unto that point, where does it go? No matter if we try to treat our bad actions and the bad decisions of others as if they didn't happen, we are never truly satisfied. We have something in us that knows that no matter how "good" we are, we always fall short. We know it in our hearts because He has written it on us that there is something missing, and it's Him. The fact that He himself comes down to bridge the gap we cannot, no matter how hard we try, is incomprehensible and humbling. I've realized I don't know what it is to just "be" with him, I always have to have worked hard, put my time in, almost like the older brother in the story of the Prodigal. But today was another reminder, in this lifelong marathon of experiencing grace, that works don't make me more loved. It's trusting in the faithfulness of the Father to me in the middle of my brokenness that brings me to new levels of understanding of grace.
Today has reminded me that I still have not even scratched the surface of grace. Maybe I, like Michelle's daughter, have lost that identity in who He is. Maybe my striving to prove myself worthy, and hoping to show that I am worth His sacrifice really actually shows that I don't understand grace as much as I think. Maybe I've missed the Gospel in how I see myself and my identity is overall misplaced. But my Father is standing with His arms wide open and invites me to lay down the "try harder" burden, express my regret of trying to take on a self-salvation process, and immerse myself in who He is and who He has called me to be because of His Great Grace in Jesus. Maybe I need to turn to Him in my mistakes and falling short and say, "Thank you that you've already caught me in my fall because I am Yours. Remind me of who You say I am in You." Instead of my internal voice being used as a weapon that Satan can use to rip me to shreds, turning back to the One who finds humanity, including me, so valuable that He gave His life that He shouldn't "have had" to give. He is so good, so kind, so faithful, that He continues to chip away at these concepts in my life over and over again. He is the Perfect Parent, and He will walk with me through my own journey as a Child of God in parenthood as well. I'm so grateful that He is so patient with me. I'm grateful for the reality of his Grace today all over again.
When He could have pushed me away, instead He draws me close.
I am loved. I am whole, seen and known because of who He is, what He's done, and Whose He says I am. I pray I continue to grow from here.
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
When Friendships Shift
I have been contemplating my friendships in life of late. I had to fill out a sheet that reflected on my friendships both past and present. I realized because of that exercise how much movement had happened throughout my adult life. It also made me see how fondly I thought of so many people. But I also immediately felt guilt about how many friends I had not seen or talked to recently. Did they know that I would always care? Should I start trying to plan lunches with people? But that would take forever and I have the kids all day, school at night and church job on the weekends? I love all of these people and I struggled feeling like maybe I had abandoned some of them. It may be silly, but friendship is so important to me and I invest in a lot of people over time.
I spent some time this week praying about what weighed on my heart. As I listened to my God-Centered Mom podcast, her interview this week was a review episode with Susan Seay from a couple of years ago. She was talking about shifting friendships for all of us as humankind, saying she had heard an illustration about friendships being trains. We all have individual tracks that we are assigned to our train. None of our paths are the same. However, we do meet at certain stations that we are assigned to go to. Sometimes we stay longer at a station than others and we create deeper connections, but we still eventually leaves. Our friendships have seasons, some shorter and some longer, but they are all designed for us at certain times and certain places with certain depths to them. Seay even made the point that sometimes we are reluctant to leave our designated stations because of the connections we have made. We resist leaving because we are so comfortable where we are and who we are with that it makes us resist good and God-given change. However, because God is sovereign, we will always get to where we need to be.
This analogy gave me food for thought. It is hard for me to accept that I can only be with people that I care about for a time. Loyalty is one of my top priorities and I don't like the feeling of "leaving others behind." It may sound silly, but it's true. My friends know me to be a loyal and kind friend and I wouldn't want to be seen any other way. I see people as valuable and relationships as virtual gold. So, this illustration was both stressful and relieving to me at the same time. I know I'm not perfect, but I really try to have the backs of my friends as much as I can and don't mind moving things around to do things for them or be there for them. But this was a reality check for me, and maybe it is for other friends who struggle with friendships when they "shift." The only thing that is forever is our relationship with Christ and we are to be, of course, dedicated in our lives with our spouses and children. But God has me on a set on tracks that he has designed.
My friends in different geographic locations, my single years, my initial married years, my initial parenting years and now my work-school-parenting-spousal years are different. I need to remind myself that it's okay that it is this way! My friends also have their own tracks, and we shared a station for a designated time! What a beautiful thing for us! We were able to love and encourage each other for those assigned seasons and then the Lord led us on with the sweet marks of those friendships still living on in our lives. We are who we are because partially those friends were who they were and had the relationship we had. God gets the glory from all of the pieces of our lives, including these relationships that have their times and seasons. He shows us his grace through those relationships, in all of their ups and downs. But just because I am not close with all of the people I used to be close to doesn't mean it wasn't God's design to have it that way. He has his purpose and he has designed my life and yours to get all of the glory from it, in all of our relationships: past, present and future.
I'm the type of person who will always care, will always want to catch up with a friend I haven't seen in ages...my friends always matter to me and I have open arms for them! But just because the intimacy of friendships dissipate over time and in different seasons, doesn't mean it is not a purposeful or meaningful relationship designed by God. So, instead of being fearful of shifting friendships (especially for me in this time of work-school-parenting-spousal years...my life is NUTS!), I will choose to trust in the God who has put me on the train track I'm on, I will love and cultivate the relationships he puts in my stations, and I will desire to follow him (even in leaving those stations). I will always mourn relationships that change intimacy levels, because my heart just loves people and hurts in loss, but I will not panic about the change itself. I will work to be responsible with the hearts of my dear friends...but also accept my season and draw appropriate and God-honoring boundaries in my life.
I'm a work in progress. But this analogy has helped give me food for thought!
I spent some time this week praying about what weighed on my heart. As I listened to my God-Centered Mom podcast, her interview this week was a review episode with Susan Seay from a couple of years ago. She was talking about shifting friendships for all of us as humankind, saying she had heard an illustration about friendships being trains. We all have individual tracks that we are assigned to our train. None of our paths are the same. However, we do meet at certain stations that we are assigned to go to. Sometimes we stay longer at a station than others and we create deeper connections, but we still eventually leaves. Our friendships have seasons, some shorter and some longer, but they are all designed for us at certain times and certain places with certain depths to them. Seay even made the point that sometimes we are reluctant to leave our designated stations because of the connections we have made. We resist leaving because we are so comfortable where we are and who we are with that it makes us resist good and God-given change. However, because God is sovereign, we will always get to where we need to be.
This analogy gave me food for thought. It is hard for me to accept that I can only be with people that I care about for a time. Loyalty is one of my top priorities and I don't like the feeling of "leaving others behind." It may sound silly, but it's true. My friends know me to be a loyal and kind friend and I wouldn't want to be seen any other way. I see people as valuable and relationships as virtual gold. So, this illustration was both stressful and relieving to me at the same time. I know I'm not perfect, but I really try to have the backs of my friends as much as I can and don't mind moving things around to do things for them or be there for them. But this was a reality check for me, and maybe it is for other friends who struggle with friendships when they "shift." The only thing that is forever is our relationship with Christ and we are to be, of course, dedicated in our lives with our spouses and children. But God has me on a set on tracks that he has designed.
My friends in different geographic locations, my single years, my initial married years, my initial parenting years and now my work-school-parenting-spousal years are different. I need to remind myself that it's okay that it is this way! My friends also have their own tracks, and we shared a station for a designated time! What a beautiful thing for us! We were able to love and encourage each other for those assigned seasons and then the Lord led us on with the sweet marks of those friendships still living on in our lives. We are who we are because partially those friends were who they were and had the relationship we had. God gets the glory from all of the pieces of our lives, including these relationships that have their times and seasons. He shows us his grace through those relationships, in all of their ups and downs. But just because I am not close with all of the people I used to be close to doesn't mean it wasn't God's design to have it that way. He has his purpose and he has designed my life and yours to get all of the glory from it, in all of our relationships: past, present and future.
I'm the type of person who will always care, will always want to catch up with a friend I haven't seen in ages...my friends always matter to me and I have open arms for them! But just because the intimacy of friendships dissipate over time and in different seasons, doesn't mean it is not a purposeful or meaningful relationship designed by God. So, instead of being fearful of shifting friendships (especially for me in this time of work-school-parenting-spousal years...my life is NUTS!), I will choose to trust in the God who has put me on the train track I'm on, I will love and cultivate the relationships he puts in my stations, and I will desire to follow him (even in leaving those stations). I will always mourn relationships that change intimacy levels, because my heart just loves people and hurts in loss, but I will not panic about the change itself. I will work to be responsible with the hearts of my dear friends...but also accept my season and draw appropriate and God-honoring boundaries in my life.
I'm a work in progress. But this analogy has helped give me food for thought!
Friday, June 23, 2017
Does My Sin Grieve Me?
God is working on me on my own sin awareness, this is my stream of consciousness on the subject as it stands now.
I wish I took my own sin more seriously. I often have thoughts on the sins and missteps of those I know and see myself reflecting the thoughts of the Pharisees..."Here's the letter of the law and your actions do not measure up." Swift condemnation for the actions of others, while not judging the thoughts of my own heart with the same measuring stick. In fact, I often use the actions of others to justify myself. I think, "Well, at least I don't [fill in the blank]." I completely excuse or downplay my own thoughts and behaviors toward other Image Bearers of Christ (any living breathing human being, no matter how deplorable their actions are to me), and guess what? My ego gets a kick out of that. I feel superior, and I like that. It makes me feel that on the my perceived "sliding scale" of sin, at least I'm higher on it than other people. I'm a whitewashed tomb. I look nice on the outside, while I refuse to look at the bones on the inside. My sin makes me dead without Christ. Period.
Today, I've started to pray for seeing the depth of my sin and that I would view the sin with the grief that I should. Little did I realize how quickly the Lord would take me up on that. I was going through my list of podcasts as I cleaned today and two in a row were on the depths of sin (I'd not heard a podcast on that topic in well over a year, and here were two) and the importance of confession. I was not prepared for the tears that would flow as the Lord allowed my children to play happily outside together as I was cleaning and folding laundry just listening away.
The first podcast was called, "Still Sinning After All These Years." *GULP* While there were many points that affected me, to the point I will keep that podcast and re-listen at several points in the future, the one that stood out to me the most was how we look at Adam and Eve, and so rarely see ourselves in them. Blame is so quickly passed. Excuses made. Sin is so easily downplayed in ourselves. But we often recognize the slightest blemish on others. Instead of seeking to bring the relationship with Christ back into congruence, we like and relish in our sins and often don't realize it. It's the epitome of taking the log out of your own eye before dealing with the speck in someone else's eye. But here's the thing, I often look at others and say, "Well, sure, I did *this,* but at least I'm not as bad as *that person*" or, "Well, here's the reason I did that. I wasn't caught so it's okay. Sure, God sees everything, but I'm forgiven anyway. So I'll just move on." I don't want to deal with my sin. I don't want to see how broken it makes me. I don't want to look at my thoughts of anger, jealousy, greed as anything more than blips on the proverbial radar of life. I don't want to look at my mountain of sin. I want to see the sins of others and feel justified in my anger. Because what my friend did was wrong, what that politician did was wrong, and I have little to no mercy in my judgments. It's not that they aren't wrong, but the truth is the LOG in my own eye is completely ignored...but my judgment of others is swift, condemning and self-righteous. I look and Adam and Eve and say, "Well, that's just dumb. You all are blame shifting and wanting to look down on others. You need to take a deep look at yourselves first before making such swift condemnation of the other." Oh wait, have I mentioned I don't do that to myself? I never hold myself to the same standards as others. My heart is so deeply sinful that this asking the Lord to help me see it is absolutely terrifying. I'm listening to these "happenstance" podcasts today and I find myself in them. I want to see my sin the way God does, because if I do not, I will miss more of the depths of the grace of the Gospel. I can't see how deep the love and grace for me really go until I begin the plumb the depths of my own sin, self-righteous and self-justifying condemnations of others, and own up to what is truly mine. The truth is, I don't even know how truly deep the possibilities of sin and evil things of which I am capable even go! I need to experience grief for my sin, see His grace for what it is, and then personify that grace to others. But if I don't know the cesspool of sin in my heart, no wonder my judgment of others is so quick and my grace-giving is so slow.
Not only do I need awareness of my sin, but I need to know the importance of confession (something I had not asked for in my original prayer this morning). The other podcast was called "Confessing Our Way to Joy." In the podcast, he gives an illustration of his son and grandson and an interaction they'd had after the boy had done something he knew he wasn't supposed to do. After the discipline had been administered, dad held his son as he cried. Over the next few minutes, the dad felt his son's body relax. Then, out of nowhere, the cries started anew and even harder than before. Dad asked, "Buddy, why are you crying?" He said, "I'm not the boy I want to be. I keep doing what I'm not supposed to do." His dad said to him, "You know what? I know exactly how you feel. I do wrong things a lot too, and I wish I could be as good as I want to be. But you know, that's why we both need Jesus so badly." The speaker then reiterated, it is within the power of the security and love of the relationship with the Father that our own sin truly grieves us. Just as the boy was only initially sorry for his immediate actions, it was within the love and security of the father that he saw his on propensities and acknowledged them for what they were because they were so clearly in view. But this is what the Gospel is. When we know how truly broken we are, and experience that in the care of Christ, there is a freedom that comes in confession.
Research shows that the need to confess is in all of us, whether it comes out in conversation, in diaries, in talks with a priest, etc. When we know we have done wrong, it feels pent up...like a lion pacing around just waiting for the cage to open. But once it is out, there is a freedom that we often feel. Why is this? There's something in us that knows we are broken. We know we are wrong. It's how we deal with it, that stems directly from our worldview, that shows what we truly believe about the world. As a follower of Christ, we know why guilt and shame plague us. Our Story tells us why. We know we have broken our relationship with God, it is the Image of God in us that cries out for rectification of the relationship. In order for sin to be dealt with, it requires both an awareness of the sin and the confession of such in a Loving and Secure Relationship with our Father that is our starting point. It's His authentic love for us that makes us feel how deeply our sin impacts Him, how much it breaks His heart. I know that I need more awareness of the pain and brokenness that my own sins, presumptions, assumption, loose words or actions, etc. bring my God who loves me and gave everything for me, and then once I have the assurance of His love, it empowers me to show both truth and grace to those around me who are broken as well.
But I need to start with me. It's not that others aren't broken and sinful too, but if I don't plumb the depths of my own soul, I will just continue to swing the log in my own eye around. I don't want to be that person. I want to walk more humbly with my God and with others. I suppose brokenness is probably the best first stepping stone toward authentic humility.
I wish I took my own sin more seriously. I often have thoughts on the sins and missteps of those I know and see myself reflecting the thoughts of the Pharisees..."Here's the letter of the law and your actions do not measure up." Swift condemnation for the actions of others, while not judging the thoughts of my own heart with the same measuring stick. In fact, I often use the actions of others to justify myself. I think, "Well, at least I don't [fill in the blank]." I completely excuse or downplay my own thoughts and behaviors toward other Image Bearers of Christ (any living breathing human being, no matter how deplorable their actions are to me), and guess what? My ego gets a kick out of that. I feel superior, and I like that. It makes me feel that on the my perceived "sliding scale" of sin, at least I'm higher on it than other people. I'm a whitewashed tomb. I look nice on the outside, while I refuse to look at the bones on the inside. My sin makes me dead without Christ. Period.
Today, I've started to pray for seeing the depth of my sin and that I would view the sin with the grief that I should. Little did I realize how quickly the Lord would take me up on that. I was going through my list of podcasts as I cleaned today and two in a row were on the depths of sin (I'd not heard a podcast on that topic in well over a year, and here were two) and the importance of confession. I was not prepared for the tears that would flow as the Lord allowed my children to play happily outside together as I was cleaning and folding laundry just listening away.
The first podcast was called, "Still Sinning After All These Years." *GULP* While there were many points that affected me, to the point I will keep that podcast and re-listen at several points in the future, the one that stood out to me the most was how we look at Adam and Eve, and so rarely see ourselves in them. Blame is so quickly passed. Excuses made. Sin is so easily downplayed in ourselves. But we often recognize the slightest blemish on others. Instead of seeking to bring the relationship with Christ back into congruence, we like and relish in our sins and often don't realize it. It's the epitome of taking the log out of your own eye before dealing with the speck in someone else's eye. But here's the thing, I often look at others and say, "Well, sure, I did *this,* but at least I'm not as bad as *that person*" or, "Well, here's the reason I did that. I wasn't caught so it's okay. Sure, God sees everything, but I'm forgiven anyway. So I'll just move on." I don't want to deal with my sin. I don't want to see how broken it makes me. I don't want to look at my thoughts of anger, jealousy, greed as anything more than blips on the proverbial radar of life. I don't want to look at my mountain of sin. I want to see the sins of others and feel justified in my anger. Because what my friend did was wrong, what that politician did was wrong, and I have little to no mercy in my judgments. It's not that they aren't wrong, but the truth is the LOG in my own eye is completely ignored...but my judgment of others is swift, condemning and self-righteous. I look and Adam and Eve and say, "Well, that's just dumb. You all are blame shifting and wanting to look down on others. You need to take a deep look at yourselves first before making such swift condemnation of the other." Oh wait, have I mentioned I don't do that to myself? I never hold myself to the same standards as others. My heart is so deeply sinful that this asking the Lord to help me see it is absolutely terrifying. I'm listening to these "happenstance" podcasts today and I find myself in them. I want to see my sin the way God does, because if I do not, I will miss more of the depths of the grace of the Gospel. I can't see how deep the love and grace for me really go until I begin the plumb the depths of my own sin, self-righteous and self-justifying condemnations of others, and own up to what is truly mine. The truth is, I don't even know how truly deep the possibilities of sin and evil things of which I am capable even go! I need to experience grief for my sin, see His grace for what it is, and then personify that grace to others. But if I don't know the cesspool of sin in my heart, no wonder my judgment of others is so quick and my grace-giving is so slow.
Not only do I need awareness of my sin, but I need to know the importance of confession (something I had not asked for in my original prayer this morning). The other podcast was called "Confessing Our Way to Joy." In the podcast, he gives an illustration of his son and grandson and an interaction they'd had after the boy had done something he knew he wasn't supposed to do. After the discipline had been administered, dad held his son as he cried. Over the next few minutes, the dad felt his son's body relax. Then, out of nowhere, the cries started anew and even harder than before. Dad asked, "Buddy, why are you crying?" He said, "I'm not the boy I want to be. I keep doing what I'm not supposed to do." His dad said to him, "You know what? I know exactly how you feel. I do wrong things a lot too, and I wish I could be as good as I want to be. But you know, that's why we both need Jesus so badly." The speaker then reiterated, it is within the power of the security and love of the relationship with the Father that our own sin truly grieves us. Just as the boy was only initially sorry for his immediate actions, it was within the love and security of the father that he saw his on propensities and acknowledged them for what they were because they were so clearly in view. But this is what the Gospel is. When we know how truly broken we are, and experience that in the care of Christ, there is a freedom that comes in confession.
Research shows that the need to confess is in all of us, whether it comes out in conversation, in diaries, in talks with a priest, etc. When we know we have done wrong, it feels pent up...like a lion pacing around just waiting for the cage to open. But once it is out, there is a freedom that we often feel. Why is this? There's something in us that knows we are broken. We know we are wrong. It's how we deal with it, that stems directly from our worldview, that shows what we truly believe about the world. As a follower of Christ, we know why guilt and shame plague us. Our Story tells us why. We know we have broken our relationship with God, it is the Image of God in us that cries out for rectification of the relationship. In order for sin to be dealt with, it requires both an awareness of the sin and the confession of such in a Loving and Secure Relationship with our Father that is our starting point. It's His authentic love for us that makes us feel how deeply our sin impacts Him, how much it breaks His heart. I know that I need more awareness of the pain and brokenness that my own sins, presumptions, assumption, loose words or actions, etc. bring my God who loves me and gave everything for me, and then once I have the assurance of His love, it empowers me to show both truth and grace to those around me who are broken as well.
But I need to start with me. It's not that others aren't broken and sinful too, but if I don't plumb the depths of my own soul, I will just continue to swing the log in my own eye around. I don't want to be that person. I want to walk more humbly with my God and with others. I suppose brokenness is probably the best first stepping stone toward authentic humility.
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