I own a magnet that says, "Always make new mistakes." I thought it was a profound statement in the middle of Barnes & Noble, so I bought it. The problem with my own mindset at the time was...I really didn't want to allow myself to make any mistakes...AT ALL.
See, I want to do everything right, the first time around. I don't want to make mistakes. I don't usually struggle with owning up to the mistakes I've made. As I've been told, "I'm sorry" is probably my most common phrase in all of my vocabulary. Arguably, I apologize for things I shouldn't apologize for (which is another problem entirely that I also struggle with). However, I hate mistakes. More accurately, I hate failing. I loathe failing. Fear of failure has paralyzed me throughout my life. Let me give an example:
At about the age of 10, I ruined jello. Not only did the pot of gelatin overflow, but I put ice cubes in it to cool it faster and it turned into a lake. I was mortified. Now, this is obviously an age of culinary excellence (note the sarcasm), so obviously this shouldn't define my life. But it did. I was PETRIFIED of cooking. I swore to everyone who knew me, I couldn't cook. An ice cube has a better chance in hell than I had of being a good cook. Seriously. It was that serious to me. I'd taken one itty bitty failure in my elementary years and had it change my life. Even looking at that phrasing now, it looks absolutely absurd. But rather than taking that failure and having it fuel a fire to try again, I just gave up. It was easier at that point to give up than to potentially try again and fail yet again. What if I just kept failing? You know what, in my mind, it wasn't worth the risk of failing again. I'll just quit. So I did...for over 15 years.
It wasn't until I dated a chef, who pressed me as to why I didn't attempt to cook, that I had to give my embarrassing answer. I'd ruined jello, therefore, I can't cook. To say the least, he looked at me like I was crazy. He just said, "Look, I'm coming over for dinner and I'm not cooking. Find a recipe and just try it, let's see what happens." I'm not kidding you, my heart jumped in my throat and I started shaking I was so nervous. I found a cookbook I had (now, why I had a cookbook as a person who as scared to death of cooking is still beyond me). I looked up what ended up being a simpler version of chicken paella, and thought I'd enjoyed paella in Spain so maybe that would give me some extra motivation. What I didn't realize was paella requires saffron. Saffron is a spice with very specific instructions in order to use it correctly. I didn't know that until I asked the lady at the store, telling her I'd never cooked before and I needed to find saffron in the store. The lady looked at me with a very surprised look. She said, "Saffron? For your first time cooking? You're brave." She got me to the section, told me how to steep it correctly and I went home realizing I may have bitten off more than I could chew. But guess what? My high end chef boyfriend was amazed. He said, "You have cooked both the chicken and the rice perfectly! That's so hard, you don't even know! How have you believed all this time that you couldn't cook?" I told him, "Well, I just followed the recipe." He said, "But that's how it starts! You'll get used to it and start getting creative. You need to continue trying."
That encounter changed my life and my view of myself. All of a sudden, I'd realized how much I had let me fear take over to the point of insanity. I wouldn't try something because I'd already failed once. So that failure, therefore, must define me. I still struggle to this day with this. I haven't conquered it. But it took one person challenging me and not letting me duck out that changed the trajectory of my life and thought process about myself.
So not only do I have a fear of failure, but it's compounded by a natural inclination toward perfectionism. Not only do I want to do things right, but I want them done right the FIRST time. Whenever I fail the first time around, I get really angry and self-shaming. I think, "You should've done this, or you should've done that..." It's probably some of that "first born"-ness in me. Super responsible to the point of absurdity. This is absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention, unrealistic! I wouldn't ever want my kids thinking that way about themselves, to be honest. I would want them to realize that mistakes are part of life, failure is part of life, and we must learn from our mistakes and recalibrate for the future! Have you ever thought that? "If someone else thought the way that I think, I'd be like, 'You're crazy! Stop it!.'" I do that a fair amount.
These two things, fear of failure and perfectionism, are absolutely paralyzing as a combination. They've stopped me from growing, from trying new things, from getting up and dusting myself off and so much more. I don't know what opportunities I've missed in life because I'm afraid to try and fail. It can be small things, like my husband wants me to try rock climbing. Instead of saying, "Oh, that'd be fun, let's try it!" My first thought is, "I'm not strong enough. I can't do it. I'll probably fail at it." It can range from small things like that to much bigger things like being afraid to make mistakes in reference to my kids' discipline. "What if I do it wrong? What if I make them bitter toward me via discipline? What if I don't discipline them enough and then they think anything goes? What if I fail as their life coach/parent?" It paralyzes me in moments that are key learning moments because I'm so afraid of failing them.
Because of my natural inclinations toward these two things, it is so, so, so hard to see that mistakes are okay. It's so hard to give myself grace, and realize that part of relationship with my kids is actually the forgiveness wronged. I'm human. I make mistakes. I hit roadblocks and stunted growth. I have highs and lows. It's all part of life. My fear of failure and simultaneous perfectionism are crippling at times. They can rule my life, if I let them. But the Lord has sent me just the right people at just the right times in my life to help me grow out of my fear that keeps me cowering in a corner and out into the light of new possibilities.
I'm now married to a man who's taught me a lot about not giving up. It's brought me to a whole new level personally. The biggest learning curve of my life has been in wanting to get healthy and get stronger. He has seen me as I continue this journey. For those of you who have been following my journey with all its ups and downs, I started at Christmas with a huge kick in the pants for me personally. I went to have my yearly check up. Not only had I had 3 babies in two years, but that entire year up until last Christmas was one of the craziest of my life. Needless to say, I ate to cope. I went into the doctor and for the first time in my life, I was over 200 lbs. My first temptation was to go back to my fear of failure mindset, "Nothing's every going to change. I might as well give up. My life is too stressful and I can't handle it." Then, there was a little tap on my heart. The Lord inclined my heart...something needed to change.
I told Jason and he started to work out with me every morning from M-F with simple workout videos from YouTube before the kids got up in the morning. He didn't pressure me. He just wanted to support me once I made the decision to change...he'd never even hinted that I was fat or ugly to him, in fact, it was always the opposite. But he let me decide. On top of working out, we did the Paleo diet during the week, and ate whatever we wanted on the weekends. This worked well for my "fear of failure" mindset. I have a sweet tooth. If deprived for a long time, I was afraid I'd binge and be tempted to give up again. So I remained consistent during the week, and the weekends had some more flexibility. But my journey was a big dip at the beginning at got stuck for a month at 185. 185 had been my consistent weight for several years. I felt my fear of failure creep up. It told me, "There's no change in one, two, three, four weeks. You might as well just give up. There's no use." But my husband came alongside of me and basically told me, "Yeah, you could do that, you could give up. But if you keep pushing, you'll see change. You just have to wait sometimes, but it will come." It kept me going.
Then I watched the show STRONG on TV. I'd been so weight-obsessed before that point, that the scale was what got me down. Yes, I knew in my head that the scale doesn't tell the whole story. But I'm a person of measurement. I LIKE numbers, I like goals, I like tangibility. But I watch these women, a couple of them in particular, and talking about, "I've never felt this strong before. I didn't even know I could be strong at all. I'm just a mom." It was the kick in the pants I needed then and I wanted to be strong like them. So instead of weight, I made strength the goal. It changed everything again. The temptation was there to give up, it's always present, but now the pull isn't as strong. I believe the reason is because I fought the voice, day after day, I didn't want to give in. I wanted to refuse to give in.
The other thing, though, was that I did give in at times. I ate things I shouldn't have. I didn't do all the workouts or walks with the kids I wanted to do. But I realized that the self-shaming was not only not motivating at ALL, but rather it did the opposite! I was so hard on myself, "Oh, you gave in, well, you're going to give in eventually, so you might as well just give up now and keep eating and never go on walks." Shame didn't motivate me past my fear of failure. Shame is a TERRIBLE motivator. So, the Lord reminded me, "Is that how you think I see you? Do you think I shake my finger at you and make you cower in a corner in guilt and shame? NO! I want to pick you up (maybe some discipline involved) and keep moving ahead. I don't want you to be paralyzed. I want you to keep moving." I saw God's love for me with new eyes when I had this realization. He saw the brutal truth of who I was, but graciously picks me up and moves me forward to be more like Him. I started to show myself some of the grace Jesus was showing me. "Oops, you made a mistake. Well, why not try to get a few extra kettlebell swings in? Or why not be a little more strict with yourself during the weekend? Or what if you accept the mistake and move on in your normal pattern just noting the mistake?"
I'm telling you, those three things have taught me so much: Jason's encouragement to get up and keep going, the desire to feel STRONG instead of small, and the grace to let go of mistakes made and move forward...it has helped the voices of fear of failure and my perfectionism become a lot quieter over these last months. I still had my failures, I struggled during our vacation times, during the time in California before Kari passed, and in other spots. Yes, I gained weight back...but I didn't let the weight gain define me anymore. I had this underlying confidence that: yes that happened, yes it's real life, yes things are messy (including getting stronger and healthier), but I will pick up the mantel when I get home and start over and put in the necessary work. I will not give up.
This journey has been 9 months in the making. I'm down to 174 as of this morning and plan to keep fighting to feel healthier and stronger. I'm starting to see the muscles in my arms again. I love the energy that comes with being healthy. It's a big motivation to keep going. But I also see my own improvements in the areas of strength as well (my 3 minute plank still rocks! :)). But there are days where I still eat things I shouldn't, or don't get my workouts in. But those days of failure define me a little less than the day before. The voice is still there. The perfectionism in my cringes when trying to do a pushup on the rings in our basement and my elbow buckles for some odd reason. But I don't want to give up. I don't want to live a life a fear and perfection that makes me miss out on things in life and relationships. So the voices are still there. They always will be. BUT they don't hold as much sway as they used to...and the only reason that is, is because I fight them every day, building up the muscles in my own mind and heart. The Lord has strengthened my resolve in the battle. It's not easy. It never has been easy for me. But I've learned I'm a fighter. I've learned that fear and obsession with perfection in myself have been some of my most crippling characteristics. But God, in His grace, is showing me a new way. I don't have it all figured out, but I know He does, and I just desire to keep walking with Him.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Marriage and Family: Great Joy & Great Pain
I've had some conversations with people recently about both the over-idealization of marriage and kids as well as the tremendous fear of what the reality of marriage and kids bring. It's caused me to pause and reflect on several things.
Let's address first things first: Sin broke things. Not just things, but everything. When we chose ourselves before our Good God, we made a choice that effects every single aspect of every single thing in creation. Relationships are messy. People and things deteriorate and die. We have thoughts and do things that we never dreamed we were capable of in real life. The people we love the most cause us the most distress at times. It's a crazy world because of our own selfishness and delusion. God allowed us the choice, and continues to...and we continue to pick ourselves, despite our best efforts to the contrary. There are pictures of cute toddlers, only to be contrasted by our raised voices and angry outbursts at those same adorable faces. There's the wedding pictures of smiles and beauty, contrasted with going to bed not really speaking to each other because we just had some "passionate fellowship" (aka. conflict) that remains unresolved. Sin has really messed stuff up and the reality is, until Christ himself returns, there's nothing that will demolish the brokenness completely. But, we also have a faithful God who wants us to be more like Himself, and Jesus suffered. Jesus sacrificed that we may know the extent to which true Love goes...the lengths to which it will deny itself for the good of the other.
In our first world culture, we believe that life is about our comfort, our good, and that everything just eventually "works out" in life. I don't believe this is what we find in Scripture. We find that God is "working out" our salvation step-by-step in this life, and we will not see "our good" until heaven comes. Often people use Romans 8:28 as a basis for believing everything will work out. Here's the entirety of the verse:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
However, if you actually read the CONTEXT of that verse (as Greg Koukl of Stand to Reason says, "Never just read a Bible verse"), both before and after that he's talking about Heaven, he's talking about that no matter how things go here on earth, our Eternity is secure. The "good" addressed here is an Ultimate Good, an Ultimate Hope. There's no reassurance by it's context that God will fix the brokenness we experience here while our lives are earthly. The context is a world that is "in bondage to decay" (v. 21), the world is "groaning as in the pains of childbirth" for the second coming of our King (v. 22), and ultimate glory (v. 30). We know that God never leaves us alone, we know that our Hope is secure, that everything that is broken here will be REDEEMED in the most Ultimate way. I cannot realistically say that anything you're experiencing in your own life, whether single, married, married with kids, divorced, widowed or any other status will change and you'll get some sort of redemption here on earth. I believe at times that the Word says, yes, God will redeem things in our lives in a tangible way here on earth. However, sometimes He doesn't intervene. Circumstances don't change, but it's not because God doesn't care. It's because...
"God is more interested in your holiness rather than your happiness."
What I can guarantee you is, if you let it, whatever you're going through in your life, with your marriage or with your kids, is that it can in the end, bring you to a more Christ-like place. That's what we so commonly ask for, isn't it? We ask God, "Make me more like you." However, to become more like Christ, as the Apostle Paul says, is often accompanied by SUFFERING. Christ himself suffered immensely, then why should it surprise us that to become more like Him means to include suffering as well? We often bargain with God about the level of suffering we are WILLING to endure. What if we simply put our life, our marital status, our desire for kids, our desires to train the kids we have at His feet, and trust His judgment and trust that even with whatever pain we experience here on Earth, that He will Ultimately Redeem it, even if we don't experience it here? Simple, but not easy. Food for thought.
How does this relate to marriage and kids?
We have a church culture that tends to glorify the married life. It's the earthly picture of Christ and the Church, right? Shouldn't that be our highest ambition? Doesn't being married means we have "arrived" in some fashion? Aren't we commanded to fill the earth and multiply?
We have a secular culture that looks down on married life, that level of commitment, and "being tied down." Why tie yourself to someone permanently? Why make it legal? Who cares if the government knows what goes on in your bedroom? Does love need to be legal? Why have kids at all? They're inconvenient, snot-nosed little selfish twerps, right? Why weigh down my freedom by having to answer to small humans who don't know how good they have it? My personal autonomy is King. (Yes, I've literally read articles from the New York Times arguing this point, multiple times. I'm not making it up.)
What a contrast! We are torn between these main two views (yes, there are other views, but these two tend to be the most prominent and contrasting). This is really tough. Because neither view is biblical (aside from the embodiment of Christ and the church). There is NO "arrival" that happens with marriage and kids. While it is natural for us to desire relationship with permanence and full acceptance, there is an Ultimate Reason for that...that NO spouse can fulfill. Sorry, there is no "you complete me" when it comes to marriage or family. But, there is a reason we desire it...and it is NOT A BAD DESIRE!
We ache to be intimately known...and fully accepted...simultaneously.
Marriage won't bring you fully there. But it gets you closer.
BUT....
It's both in the positive and in the uncomfortable.
To be intimately known means to know your sin and your brokenness in all of it's yuckiness. Not just all your good, but all your baggage as well. Inviting a marriage partner into your life means allowing someone to see you day in and day out, in all of your glory and all of your yuckiness...and it effects every aspect of THEIR well-being as well. You invite someone into the way life changes you, in pain, in grief, in joy, in all the ways the surprises in life change you as a person. To be married, means that you are bringing the refining fire of God CLOSER to your life. The results are truly amazing, God burns away impurities we wouldn't have otherwise seen or known about...He draws you into holiness. But MAN, the closer you bring that fire, it's also an invitation to bring that nasty dross to the surface of the gold of holiness that God desires into us. Some of my most painful days have been in marriage, and I know many people who would agree with this. All of a sudden, all the things that never really effected anyone else, now come out, guns blazing around someone who you are around all the time. This is for our Ultimate Good.
It's not always fun, but let me tell you...there is a JOY that comes that isn't attainable in other places! All the conflicts that come up, as you push through and cry through and work through the pain of the conflict, there is a DURABILITY that comes to the relationship...it gives it depth and longevity that the "butterflies" of dating doesn't give you. All of a sudden, you understand the sacrifice of Christ a bit better, you understand that level of Love a little bit. The compromise, the tears, the happiness, the laughter, the sex in marriage...all of a sudden teach you the love is so much more painful and so much more joyful than you ever expected. You learn to be a fighter, you learn to give up things, you learn to stand your ground, you learn to serve, you learn to dig in your heels for the one you love, and it's so much harder and so much more of a blessing than it could ever be told to you.
Your greatest qualities and your worst qualities come to light, and they become a place for God to do battle with the nastiness of your heart...only to come out on the other side with His Joy and His Fulfillment. I don't know why it works that way. The more I get older, the more I realize I don't know very much. But the truth is, marriage is a wonderful blessing, but like anything in life...
The things that are the most worth it...are the most work.
Then you add kids to the mix. Wow. All those pictures in the doctor's office are super cute, right? All those professional pictures of families smiling on the rocks of Lake Michigan, just warm your heart. As well they should. They give us an image of what we desire in our heart of hearts: inclusion, love, someone to watch out for us, happiness, togetherness, and many other things. But there's a reality that sin has tainted that too. The same kids you're cuddling with in those pictures just made you so spitting mad 2 hours after those pictures were taken because they refused to get dressed or come when you called. As I've said in a previous blog, for the honest parents out there, "You've never wanted to kill something you love so much." If the parents of the world are honest, we've all felt like walking out and leave these kids to fend for themselves for an hour, or a day. We get frustrated. We want to get work done and they get in the way. We want to go out with our friends and can't find a sitter. We get so fed up with doing things for other people...we just want it to be about "us."
Now, Lord knows, everyone needs a recharge time. Jesus himself "regularly," according to the Gospels, set time aside to go off on His own to meet with God and be refilled. If you can carve out a time monthly or weekly to just have time on your own from your kids, please do it.
That being said...
Jesus poured Himself out for His children. Once again, Christ often suffered out of love for us...to adopt us as His kids. How do we think that we can escape the suffering He went through? Our biggest relationships are often the most messy and we sacrifice much more than we ever planned on. Where our love runs deepest, our emotions are often the highest and the most sensitive. Once again, having kids will bring that Refining Fire closer yet again! Kids bring things out of you that your spouse doesn't. It's a different angle for the Fire to get to you. It will bring out another element of both the Love and the sin within yourself. You will say and do and sacrifice things you never thought possible, for better or for worse.
Since becoming a parent, I've never been so fearful or so angry in my life. Not even with my husband. My conversations with my husband are frustrating on a completely different level than with my kids. My husband has language and life experience, that causes one kind of clash. My kids have limited language, limited understanding and next to no life experience. As you can imagine, these both bring conflict. These irons definitely "sharpen" my iron. Holy moley.
I didn't understand how deeply sinful I was until I got married and had kids. I've had to come face-to-face with my own selfishness, anger, irritability in some really uncomfortable and shamefully sinful ways. Like the pictures on Facebook, things can look one way as you pass by me, but sometimes my home is visibly sin-saturated. Don't get me wrong...I have a wonderful husband and kids. We are generally good-willed toward each other...but the truth is, when sin rears its ugly head, things can meltdown in a matter of seconds. I say or do things that I never thought I'd be capable. But you know what, those tendencies were ALREADY in me...I just never knew it...until an irritant came and brought out, what Emerson Eggerichs calls, my "natural properties."
Emerson gives the illustration of one irritant: sand. In your eye, sand irritates the eye and can eventually cause great damage through infection if not dealt with. In a clam, that same irritant becomes a pearl over time. It's the SAME irritant! But it brings out the natural properties of each location. News flash: Spouses and children are irritants. But what they do is bring out the properties that are ALREADY IN US, we were always capable of the things we say and do. It just takes the right irritant.
BUT...
Once the irritant brings out the properties in us, WE are responsible for dealing with it. It's not "the kids" fault, in that sense. "If my spouse/kids weren't the way they are, I wouldn't be the way I am." Let me tell you, that is a LIE. You were always capable of the things you've said and done, it just took the right irritant to show you what already naturally lies within you. But let me encourage you!! When the irritation, recognize the sin that is rising within you as quickly as you can. Slow yourself down, tell yourself, "I feel like I could lash out right now, what does this situation say about me and what's natural within me?" It's super hard and I don't always do either. But it can be helpful. Because our sin says, "I'm justified in my anger and lashing out because..." We are self-justifying creatures and both marriage and family can bring this out of us in ways we never imagined. Ask the Lord what He is trying to teach you and what He's trying to draw out of you through the dross that's in the gold.
We are all learning, we are all students in this life. We are continually learning, falling flat on our faces, (hopefully) apologizing to those around us that our sin has crushed in its wake, and moving forward having learned something from each and every mistake.
Now to the good news:
As you work through the sin that surfaces, there is a Joy that truly does come. There's that durability of the Love of your spouse that comes. There's a love for your kids that you'd be willing to give up anything to make sure they're okay, no matter how badly they behave. You know what that sounds like? Jesus. A durable, lasting Love that goes through the ups and downs...even at great cost to Itself, whether or not the love is reciprocated (and many of us are in those kinds of relationships as well, I'll get into that on a later blog). A Love that gives up everything to ensure the good of the Other. The Love that puts in WORK, the Love that TIES itself to habitually selfish and grace-less people, the Love that sees the innate Worth of the people it's tied to, a Love that doesn't give up.
Marriage and family scares some and is an idol to others. Let me tell you, it is not something to be idolized. But I'll tell you that the fear is real...because of what it could cost us. And believe me, it often pushes us beyond what we "thought" it would cost us. But you learn to be more Christ-like. You learn to dig your heels in and become a fighter for the things in life that you KNOW matter, even when you don't feel it (see my "Duty of Love" blog for more on that). You will have high highs, and low lows in family life or in single life. They just look different in each place.
Just remember (no matter where you are in life):
His Grace never runs out. Even when we let him down over and over again. You are not a lost cause. Neither is the family you have or the life you live. Our God is in the business of redemption and sanctification (bringing us closer to holiness). I have to regularly get on my knees admitting my guilt and selfishness to the only One who can do anything to lift that burden. But like any good Daddy, who sees His child come to Him and say, "I was wrong..." He doesn't shake his finger or shame or remind us of the list of wrongdoings, rather He comes to us as His loving arms come around us and we hear the words our hearts long for, "I forgive you and I love you. I gave everything to be with you. Let's work this out together." He will never give up on us, even if we give up on ourselves or give up on the life or family He has given us. He was torn to pieces for us, there's nothing He wouldn't do for us.
Everything we experience in this life is to bring us closer to Him and to make us more like Him. What if anything we experience in life or relationship is about OUR heart's position before our God? Yes, there are wrongdoings from other people. But OUR RESPONSE IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY (this is the motto I try, and often fail, to live by). What if we look at our own heart first in these instances, instead of letting our sinful self push blame for our actions on others?
Marriage and family is a WONDERFUL thing, but the only ambition we should have is to be more like Christ. He is the only things we should worship and seek after. (Preaching to myself on that one!). If we want to be more like Christ, expect suffering, even unexplainable suffering. The Cross taught us the Love requires sacrifice. Sacrifice can bear more fruit than you ever thought possible. Just ask Jesus.
Let's address first things first: Sin broke things. Not just things, but everything. When we chose ourselves before our Good God, we made a choice that effects every single aspect of every single thing in creation. Relationships are messy. People and things deteriorate and die. We have thoughts and do things that we never dreamed we were capable of in real life. The people we love the most cause us the most distress at times. It's a crazy world because of our own selfishness and delusion. God allowed us the choice, and continues to...and we continue to pick ourselves, despite our best efforts to the contrary. There are pictures of cute toddlers, only to be contrasted by our raised voices and angry outbursts at those same adorable faces. There's the wedding pictures of smiles and beauty, contrasted with going to bed not really speaking to each other because we just had some "passionate fellowship" (aka. conflict) that remains unresolved. Sin has really messed stuff up and the reality is, until Christ himself returns, there's nothing that will demolish the brokenness completely. But, we also have a faithful God who wants us to be more like Himself, and Jesus suffered. Jesus sacrificed that we may know the extent to which true Love goes...the lengths to which it will deny itself for the good of the other.
In our first world culture, we believe that life is about our comfort, our good, and that everything just eventually "works out" in life. I don't believe this is what we find in Scripture. We find that God is "working out" our salvation step-by-step in this life, and we will not see "our good" until heaven comes. Often people use Romans 8:28 as a basis for believing everything will work out. Here's the entirety of the verse:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
However, if you actually read the CONTEXT of that verse (as Greg Koukl of Stand to Reason says, "Never just read a Bible verse"), both before and after that he's talking about Heaven, he's talking about that no matter how things go here on earth, our Eternity is secure. The "good" addressed here is an Ultimate Good, an Ultimate Hope. There's no reassurance by it's context that God will fix the brokenness we experience here while our lives are earthly. The context is a world that is "in bondage to decay" (v. 21), the world is "groaning as in the pains of childbirth" for the second coming of our King (v. 22), and ultimate glory (v. 30). We know that God never leaves us alone, we know that our Hope is secure, that everything that is broken here will be REDEEMED in the most Ultimate way. I cannot realistically say that anything you're experiencing in your own life, whether single, married, married with kids, divorced, widowed or any other status will change and you'll get some sort of redemption here on earth. I believe at times that the Word says, yes, God will redeem things in our lives in a tangible way here on earth. However, sometimes He doesn't intervene. Circumstances don't change, but it's not because God doesn't care. It's because...
"God is more interested in your holiness rather than your happiness."
What I can guarantee you is, if you let it, whatever you're going through in your life, with your marriage or with your kids, is that it can in the end, bring you to a more Christ-like place. That's what we so commonly ask for, isn't it? We ask God, "Make me more like you." However, to become more like Christ, as the Apostle Paul says, is often accompanied by SUFFERING. Christ himself suffered immensely, then why should it surprise us that to become more like Him means to include suffering as well? We often bargain with God about the level of suffering we are WILLING to endure. What if we simply put our life, our marital status, our desire for kids, our desires to train the kids we have at His feet, and trust His judgment and trust that even with whatever pain we experience here on Earth, that He will Ultimately Redeem it, even if we don't experience it here? Simple, but not easy. Food for thought.
How does this relate to marriage and kids?
We have a church culture that tends to glorify the married life. It's the earthly picture of Christ and the Church, right? Shouldn't that be our highest ambition? Doesn't being married means we have "arrived" in some fashion? Aren't we commanded to fill the earth and multiply?
We have a secular culture that looks down on married life, that level of commitment, and "being tied down." Why tie yourself to someone permanently? Why make it legal? Who cares if the government knows what goes on in your bedroom? Does love need to be legal? Why have kids at all? They're inconvenient, snot-nosed little selfish twerps, right? Why weigh down my freedom by having to answer to small humans who don't know how good they have it? My personal autonomy is King. (Yes, I've literally read articles from the New York Times arguing this point, multiple times. I'm not making it up.)
What a contrast! We are torn between these main two views (yes, there are other views, but these two tend to be the most prominent and contrasting). This is really tough. Because neither view is biblical (aside from the embodiment of Christ and the church). There is NO "arrival" that happens with marriage and kids. While it is natural for us to desire relationship with permanence and full acceptance, there is an Ultimate Reason for that...that NO spouse can fulfill. Sorry, there is no "you complete me" when it comes to marriage or family. But, there is a reason we desire it...and it is NOT A BAD DESIRE!
We ache to be intimately known...and fully accepted...simultaneously.
Marriage won't bring you fully there. But it gets you closer.
BUT....
It's both in the positive and in the uncomfortable.
To be intimately known means to know your sin and your brokenness in all of it's yuckiness. Not just all your good, but all your baggage as well. Inviting a marriage partner into your life means allowing someone to see you day in and day out, in all of your glory and all of your yuckiness...and it effects every aspect of THEIR well-being as well. You invite someone into the way life changes you, in pain, in grief, in joy, in all the ways the surprises in life change you as a person. To be married, means that you are bringing the refining fire of God CLOSER to your life. The results are truly amazing, God burns away impurities we wouldn't have otherwise seen or known about...He draws you into holiness. But MAN, the closer you bring that fire, it's also an invitation to bring that nasty dross to the surface of the gold of holiness that God desires into us. Some of my most painful days have been in marriage, and I know many people who would agree with this. All of a sudden, all the things that never really effected anyone else, now come out, guns blazing around someone who you are around all the time. This is for our Ultimate Good.
It's not always fun, but let me tell you...there is a JOY that comes that isn't attainable in other places! All the conflicts that come up, as you push through and cry through and work through the pain of the conflict, there is a DURABILITY that comes to the relationship...it gives it depth and longevity that the "butterflies" of dating doesn't give you. All of a sudden, you understand the sacrifice of Christ a bit better, you understand that level of Love a little bit. The compromise, the tears, the happiness, the laughter, the sex in marriage...all of a sudden teach you the love is so much more painful and so much more joyful than you ever expected. You learn to be a fighter, you learn to give up things, you learn to stand your ground, you learn to serve, you learn to dig in your heels for the one you love, and it's so much harder and so much more of a blessing than it could ever be told to you.
Your greatest qualities and your worst qualities come to light, and they become a place for God to do battle with the nastiness of your heart...only to come out on the other side with His Joy and His Fulfillment. I don't know why it works that way. The more I get older, the more I realize I don't know very much. But the truth is, marriage is a wonderful blessing, but like anything in life...
The things that are the most worth it...are the most work.
Then you add kids to the mix. Wow. All those pictures in the doctor's office are super cute, right? All those professional pictures of families smiling on the rocks of Lake Michigan, just warm your heart. As well they should. They give us an image of what we desire in our heart of hearts: inclusion, love, someone to watch out for us, happiness, togetherness, and many other things. But there's a reality that sin has tainted that too. The same kids you're cuddling with in those pictures just made you so spitting mad 2 hours after those pictures were taken because they refused to get dressed or come when you called. As I've said in a previous blog, for the honest parents out there, "You've never wanted to kill something you love so much." If the parents of the world are honest, we've all felt like walking out and leave these kids to fend for themselves for an hour, or a day. We get frustrated. We want to get work done and they get in the way. We want to go out with our friends and can't find a sitter. We get so fed up with doing things for other people...we just want it to be about "us."
Now, Lord knows, everyone needs a recharge time. Jesus himself "regularly," according to the Gospels, set time aside to go off on His own to meet with God and be refilled. If you can carve out a time monthly or weekly to just have time on your own from your kids, please do it.
That being said...
Jesus poured Himself out for His children. Once again, Christ often suffered out of love for us...to adopt us as His kids. How do we think that we can escape the suffering He went through? Our biggest relationships are often the most messy and we sacrifice much more than we ever planned on. Where our love runs deepest, our emotions are often the highest and the most sensitive. Once again, having kids will bring that Refining Fire closer yet again! Kids bring things out of you that your spouse doesn't. It's a different angle for the Fire to get to you. It will bring out another element of both the Love and the sin within yourself. You will say and do and sacrifice things you never thought possible, for better or for worse.
Since becoming a parent, I've never been so fearful or so angry in my life. Not even with my husband. My conversations with my husband are frustrating on a completely different level than with my kids. My husband has language and life experience, that causes one kind of clash. My kids have limited language, limited understanding and next to no life experience. As you can imagine, these both bring conflict. These irons definitely "sharpen" my iron. Holy moley.
I didn't understand how deeply sinful I was until I got married and had kids. I've had to come face-to-face with my own selfishness, anger, irritability in some really uncomfortable and shamefully sinful ways. Like the pictures on Facebook, things can look one way as you pass by me, but sometimes my home is visibly sin-saturated. Don't get me wrong...I have a wonderful husband and kids. We are generally good-willed toward each other...but the truth is, when sin rears its ugly head, things can meltdown in a matter of seconds. I say or do things that I never thought I'd be capable. But you know what, those tendencies were ALREADY in me...I just never knew it...until an irritant came and brought out, what Emerson Eggerichs calls, my "natural properties."
Emerson gives the illustration of one irritant: sand. In your eye, sand irritates the eye and can eventually cause great damage through infection if not dealt with. In a clam, that same irritant becomes a pearl over time. It's the SAME irritant! But it brings out the natural properties of each location. News flash: Spouses and children are irritants. But what they do is bring out the properties that are ALREADY IN US, we were always capable of the things we say and do. It just takes the right irritant.
BUT...
Once the irritant brings out the properties in us, WE are responsible for dealing with it. It's not "the kids" fault, in that sense. "If my spouse/kids weren't the way they are, I wouldn't be the way I am." Let me tell you, that is a LIE. You were always capable of the things you've said and done, it just took the right irritant to show you what already naturally lies within you. But let me encourage you!! When the irritation, recognize the sin that is rising within you as quickly as you can. Slow yourself down, tell yourself, "I feel like I could lash out right now, what does this situation say about me and what's natural within me?" It's super hard and I don't always do either. But it can be helpful. Because our sin says, "I'm justified in my anger and lashing out because..." We are self-justifying creatures and both marriage and family can bring this out of us in ways we never imagined. Ask the Lord what He is trying to teach you and what He's trying to draw out of you through the dross that's in the gold.
We are all learning, we are all students in this life. We are continually learning, falling flat on our faces, (hopefully) apologizing to those around us that our sin has crushed in its wake, and moving forward having learned something from each and every mistake.
Now to the good news:
As you work through the sin that surfaces, there is a Joy that truly does come. There's that durability of the Love of your spouse that comes. There's a love for your kids that you'd be willing to give up anything to make sure they're okay, no matter how badly they behave. You know what that sounds like? Jesus. A durable, lasting Love that goes through the ups and downs...even at great cost to Itself, whether or not the love is reciprocated (and many of us are in those kinds of relationships as well, I'll get into that on a later blog). A Love that gives up everything to ensure the good of the Other. The Love that puts in WORK, the Love that TIES itself to habitually selfish and grace-less people, the Love that sees the innate Worth of the people it's tied to, a Love that doesn't give up.
Marriage and family scares some and is an idol to others. Let me tell you, it is not something to be idolized. But I'll tell you that the fear is real...because of what it could cost us. And believe me, it often pushes us beyond what we "thought" it would cost us. But you learn to be more Christ-like. You learn to dig your heels in and become a fighter for the things in life that you KNOW matter, even when you don't feel it (see my "Duty of Love" blog for more on that). You will have high highs, and low lows in family life or in single life. They just look different in each place.
Just remember (no matter where you are in life):
His Grace never runs out. Even when we let him down over and over again. You are not a lost cause. Neither is the family you have or the life you live. Our God is in the business of redemption and sanctification (bringing us closer to holiness). I have to regularly get on my knees admitting my guilt and selfishness to the only One who can do anything to lift that burden. But like any good Daddy, who sees His child come to Him and say, "I was wrong..." He doesn't shake his finger or shame or remind us of the list of wrongdoings, rather He comes to us as His loving arms come around us and we hear the words our hearts long for, "I forgive you and I love you. I gave everything to be with you. Let's work this out together." He will never give up on us, even if we give up on ourselves or give up on the life or family He has given us. He was torn to pieces for us, there's nothing He wouldn't do for us.
Everything we experience in this life is to bring us closer to Him and to make us more like Him. What if anything we experience in life or relationship is about OUR heart's position before our God? Yes, there are wrongdoings from other people. But OUR RESPONSE IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY (this is the motto I try, and often fail, to live by). What if we look at our own heart first in these instances, instead of letting our sinful self push blame for our actions on others?
Marriage and family is a WONDERFUL thing, but the only ambition we should have is to be more like Christ. He is the only things we should worship and seek after. (Preaching to myself on that one!). If we want to be more like Christ, expect suffering, even unexplainable suffering. The Cross taught us the Love requires sacrifice. Sacrifice can bear more fruit than you ever thought possible. Just ask Jesus.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Grief, Moving Forward and Refocusing
Sunday marked a month since my sister-in-law passed away. The grief definitely has its ebbs and flows as time goes on. My husband feels it starkly and regularly. She fills the memories of his childhood. They walked through the ups and downs of schools out of state and single parenthood together. He watched her fulfill her dreams of becoming a school counselor...only to be re-diagnosed with cancer a month later. It causes him to look at and question his own dreams. It's something he is working though and that we work through together. His grief will continue to feel stronger at some moments than others, but we will walk this road together. We are determined to do so.
For me, I had focused on Jason and his family to the absolute best of my abilities for that near month-long time in California. When I came back, I came back home absolutely exhausted. I had almost a black cloud hanging over my head. I felt like it was debilitating. I didn't feel like myself at all. It was absolutely worth every moment I spent moving to the background, trying to be aware of how I could serve and love, and just be my motto when it comes to what the Lord may call me to do..."I'm available and obedient." I realized that after all the good I'd seen, all the victories, all the hope and so much more (even in the middle of such a sad and hard time), I told my husband I felt more like Elijah or Jonah. I felt like I just collapsed after seeing such brilliance from the Lord. I wasn't sure where to go or what to do.
My husband realized that it was a time where I needed to be supported. He just took the kids often, let me try to do all the initial work for my new job at church, get some "mom" time in. I swear, trying to start this job during this time of year...it's almost exactly like teaching was...crazy preparations were time-consuming and things just piled on each other before last Sunday's big kickoff. (It went well and I owe so much to him for all the times I was absent) I'm so grateful for all the grace he showed me in this time, I really saw Jesus through my husband.
I really threw myself back in the arms of my loving Lord, who knew everything about me and what I was feeling, even when I wasn't sure what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. As I clung to that Anchor, there were times where I felt free-floating, like I could've just kept floating forever and ever. I wondered if I would feel normal at some point, but what even is normal after something that has effected the husband I love so dramatically? We were on the cusp of each of us starting classes, me starting my new job while he returns to his old one, four kids who need us, friends who hadn't seen or heard from us and so much more. Quite frankly, I had no interest in talking with anyone and had a hard time even engaging with my family when I got back. I started to ask the Lord, "How do I move forward from here? What are you calling me to?" I still haven't necessarily gotten direct answers, but I have made progress.
I started this blog in the middle of that time. I was really thinking about how would I honor the memory of my sister-in-law? She was such a go-getter. I had originally brought up a blog almost 5 years ago for the first time to my manager (who became like a 2nd dad to me) and he'd told me I should. I didn't listen then. I'd been encouraged by friends of mine over the years to do so, and I didn't listen then either, even though it would keep coming back up many times. I realized in my mind that if I'd ever have mentioned it to her, she would've told me to go for it...and I would've listened, because she wouldn't have let me not listen to her. So here I am, wanting to encourage those around me...the same way Kari and I used to encourage each other.
This blog was a catalyst of change for me, the Lord used it to help me begin my move forward. I've re-engaged in home life, church life and friends & family life again, slowly but surely. But one things has sorely been lagging behind in any slow progress I've made.
My weight loss journey that I'd been chronicling for some time on Facebook...the ups and downs and all...had come to screeching halt during that whole time. Even when I got back, I was sorely unmotivated and ended up gaining about 10 of the 30 lbs. I'd lost back. I just couldn't get myself back to caring for a couple of weeks. This past week, I had to come face to face with that. I didn't know what it would take for me to truly get motivated. I'd switched over from my FitnessBlender workouts that we'd done to help me transition back in...to the Insanity workouts. I used to do really well with Insanity. It kicked my butt, but I was starting to conquer the mountain. Now I felt like I was back at the foot of the mountain and had no motivation to climb the workout mountain nor the diet mountain. I just...didn't care. So I've been doing the workouts and stayed mostly on diet and wasn't seeing much progress. Today I weighed myself and I'd gained a pound. All of a sudden today, I felt the anger come back. The same anger that motivated me in the first place to get on this journey at all. This journey started for me because back near Christmas, I had my yearly physical. For the first time in my life, I was over 200 lbs. I'd had a depressing year, to say the least, and my comfort was food. I was so tired and dragged down. Then I got weighed...and I got angry. Not at myself, but just at realizing I was so much more than being unhealthy. So I started to become a fighter. I wanted to be healthy and strong...not even for my kids or my husband...but for me.
I felt that anger come back today. I feel the fierceness coming back. That fierceness that fought for every sweat drop, every pound, through every week of lots of weight loss or a drought of weight loss. Through the ups and downs, I was a fighter. I was determined, at one point in time to not be discouraged by a drought that lasted 4 weeks, and I won. I broke through that barrier. I needed that fight back and I think I've found it, or at least the beginning of that.
So thus begins my time of truly refocusing, by the grace of God. I don't claim to know all of how things will transpire from here. But I do know one thing. I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living (Ps. 27:13). So from here, I will keep the first things first. I will keep my morning time with the Lord consistent, I want to do at least one thing a day that makes my husband feel valuable (he's an acts of service love language, so this can be super tangible for me), I pray for patience and love for my kids that reflects the love Christ has for us...no matter how upsetting or irritating we are ;), I will do my best at my job, I will do my best at my class, and I will be as engaged as possible with my friends and family, and I will keep fighting to be stronger and healthier every day. There are days that will go well with these things, and days that will not. But I pray the Lord keeps that fierceness in me, the one that fought through the droughts of weight loss, that will also fight through the droughts at home, at work or at school. I want to be a fighter. I want my daughters to see that I fought for the things that matter. That no matter when God calls me home, that I will reflect the love of Christ to them and be as much the example of Him that I can be to them...and definitely making necessary apologies when I don't come through and don't live the example I should.
So, in honor of the memory of Kari and to continue in my deepening walk with the Lord, I move ahead. I will keep the blog, no matter if 1 person or a million see it. I will keep fighting for my health and strength. I will fight for my family. I will fight for my dreams. And ultimately, all of these things, including the length and the trials of my life have been ordained by Him. I will continue to trust Him as this life keeps rolling on in the days He gives me. I will cling to my Anchor, no matter what comes. I pray you all will stay on this sure foundation as well.
"Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him." Job 13:15
For me, I had focused on Jason and his family to the absolute best of my abilities for that near month-long time in California. When I came back, I came back home absolutely exhausted. I had almost a black cloud hanging over my head. I felt like it was debilitating. I didn't feel like myself at all. It was absolutely worth every moment I spent moving to the background, trying to be aware of how I could serve and love, and just be my motto when it comes to what the Lord may call me to do..."I'm available and obedient." I realized that after all the good I'd seen, all the victories, all the hope and so much more (even in the middle of such a sad and hard time), I told my husband I felt more like Elijah or Jonah. I felt like I just collapsed after seeing such brilliance from the Lord. I wasn't sure where to go or what to do.
My husband realized that it was a time where I needed to be supported. He just took the kids often, let me try to do all the initial work for my new job at church, get some "mom" time in. I swear, trying to start this job during this time of year...it's almost exactly like teaching was...crazy preparations were time-consuming and things just piled on each other before last Sunday's big kickoff. (It went well and I owe so much to him for all the times I was absent) I'm so grateful for all the grace he showed me in this time, I really saw Jesus through my husband.
I really threw myself back in the arms of my loving Lord, who knew everything about me and what I was feeling, even when I wasn't sure what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. As I clung to that Anchor, there were times where I felt free-floating, like I could've just kept floating forever and ever. I wondered if I would feel normal at some point, but what even is normal after something that has effected the husband I love so dramatically? We were on the cusp of each of us starting classes, me starting my new job while he returns to his old one, four kids who need us, friends who hadn't seen or heard from us and so much more. Quite frankly, I had no interest in talking with anyone and had a hard time even engaging with my family when I got back. I started to ask the Lord, "How do I move forward from here? What are you calling me to?" I still haven't necessarily gotten direct answers, but I have made progress.
I started this blog in the middle of that time. I was really thinking about how would I honor the memory of my sister-in-law? She was such a go-getter. I had originally brought up a blog almost 5 years ago for the first time to my manager (who became like a 2nd dad to me) and he'd told me I should. I didn't listen then. I'd been encouraged by friends of mine over the years to do so, and I didn't listen then either, even though it would keep coming back up many times. I realized in my mind that if I'd ever have mentioned it to her, she would've told me to go for it...and I would've listened, because she wouldn't have let me not listen to her. So here I am, wanting to encourage those around me...the same way Kari and I used to encourage each other.
This blog was a catalyst of change for me, the Lord used it to help me begin my move forward. I've re-engaged in home life, church life and friends & family life again, slowly but surely. But one things has sorely been lagging behind in any slow progress I've made.
My weight loss journey that I'd been chronicling for some time on Facebook...the ups and downs and all...had come to screeching halt during that whole time. Even when I got back, I was sorely unmotivated and ended up gaining about 10 of the 30 lbs. I'd lost back. I just couldn't get myself back to caring for a couple of weeks. This past week, I had to come face to face with that. I didn't know what it would take for me to truly get motivated. I'd switched over from my FitnessBlender workouts that we'd done to help me transition back in...to the Insanity workouts. I used to do really well with Insanity. It kicked my butt, but I was starting to conquer the mountain. Now I felt like I was back at the foot of the mountain and had no motivation to climb the workout mountain nor the diet mountain. I just...didn't care. So I've been doing the workouts and stayed mostly on diet and wasn't seeing much progress. Today I weighed myself and I'd gained a pound. All of a sudden today, I felt the anger come back. The same anger that motivated me in the first place to get on this journey at all. This journey started for me because back near Christmas, I had my yearly physical. For the first time in my life, I was over 200 lbs. I'd had a depressing year, to say the least, and my comfort was food. I was so tired and dragged down. Then I got weighed...and I got angry. Not at myself, but just at realizing I was so much more than being unhealthy. So I started to become a fighter. I wanted to be healthy and strong...not even for my kids or my husband...but for me.
I felt that anger come back today. I feel the fierceness coming back. That fierceness that fought for every sweat drop, every pound, through every week of lots of weight loss or a drought of weight loss. Through the ups and downs, I was a fighter. I was determined, at one point in time to not be discouraged by a drought that lasted 4 weeks, and I won. I broke through that barrier. I needed that fight back and I think I've found it, or at least the beginning of that.
So thus begins my time of truly refocusing, by the grace of God. I don't claim to know all of how things will transpire from here. But I do know one thing. I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living (Ps. 27:13). So from here, I will keep the first things first. I will keep my morning time with the Lord consistent, I want to do at least one thing a day that makes my husband feel valuable (he's an acts of service love language, so this can be super tangible for me), I pray for patience and love for my kids that reflects the love Christ has for us...no matter how upsetting or irritating we are ;), I will do my best at my job, I will do my best at my class, and I will be as engaged as possible with my friends and family, and I will keep fighting to be stronger and healthier every day. There are days that will go well with these things, and days that will not. But I pray the Lord keeps that fierceness in me, the one that fought through the droughts of weight loss, that will also fight through the droughts at home, at work or at school. I want to be a fighter. I want my daughters to see that I fought for the things that matter. That no matter when God calls me home, that I will reflect the love of Christ to them and be as much the example of Him that I can be to them...and definitely making necessary apologies when I don't come through and don't live the example I should.
So, in honor of the memory of Kari and to continue in my deepening walk with the Lord, I move ahead. I will keep the blog, no matter if 1 person or a million see it. I will keep fighting for my health and strength. I will fight for my family. I will fight for my dreams. And ultimately, all of these things, including the length and the trials of my life have been ordained by Him. I will continue to trust Him as this life keeps rolling on in the days He gives me. I will cling to my Anchor, no matter what comes. I pray you all will stay on this sure foundation as well.
"Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him." Job 13:15
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Wrestling with Feeling like a Friend Failure
Warning: This blog contains no answers for this, only the reality of my struggle in what I'm sure will end up being a stream of consciousness.
I've officially reached the "I suck as a friend" part of my life. I am a stay-at-home mom of 3 kids 2 years and under. I have a 14 year old autistic stepson. I was just hired as the preschool coordinator at my church very recently, a job I'm really coming to love and brings in a small amount of extra income for our family. I also picked up a Statistics class that began two nights a week starting last week...plus the included homework. My husband is also taking a class that takes him away one night a week. While it's a delicate balance of getting all of this together, but we are starting to find our new normal.
"Why are you taking a class with all of what you already have?" The truth is, I'm really actually happy to do it. It's the first stepping stone toward a dream I've had for a few years...I have realized where my gifting finally is and I deeply desire to be a Marriage and Family counselor and have a Master's with that label. I plan to apply to Liberty University's online program in the next couple of years and I'm short a Statistics class and a particular Psych class. While they say that you can complete that course work later even if you get accepted to the program, my husband works at a local university and I can literally do the classes for free. I also took the GRE about a year and a half ago and the score is good for 5 years. And not only is it a stepping stone, I also really enjoy class and learning as a whole. Yes, it is work. Yes, it takes time. But I'm looking forward to applying to Liberty once I feel I could start chipping away at the course work. We will see in the future when that is (probably once my twin girls start K4).
So all of that to say, my life is packed. 3 evenings a week, it's tough for my husband and I to eat together, much less me and my husband AND my girls. But the truth is, this is the time in their lives where I will be present much of the day and I miss two nights a week of dinner...they won't remember it and I still have time with them all day. But I'd like to chip away at doing this now.
The income from my job is somewhat necessary, and like I said, I'm really starting to enjoy it. The kids and the families are really neat to interact with and serve at my church. It's a taxing time right now because the Sunday School year starts next week. Basically, for my many teacher friends, it's exactly like the beginning of the school year...you spend a lot of time having to be physically present for setting things up and making sure things are in order, on top of running meetings, an event this Saturday and making sure that my teachers are lined up and feel confident stepping into their teaching role with these kids in their 2's & 3's. It's 10 hours a week, 5 of which are on Sundays just running things during all services. The rest are done at home, pretty much, during naptime. At least that's what it WILL look like after all this "beginning of the year" craziness. Craziness is an appropriate word, trust me. But once everything starts, it will get easier and much more rhythmic.
However, needless to say, I've become a terrible friend in this process. I've forgotten and neglected those around me. I'm really starting to realize this. I have sweet friends who I have not touched base with ALL SUMMER. Even friends from my Bible study on Fridays from last year, who were consistent in their prayers for my husband's family in the wake of Kari's diagnosis. It literally dawned on me a little bit ago that I'm not even sure I emailed them after she passed. "Really?! Really, Hannah?!" That's my thoughts...(yes, I will email them after finishing my thoughts here that are caged in and needing to get out.) I have friends that I haven't contacted for much longer than I should, friends who I used to talk to regularly. With everything with Kari, coming back and hitting my own short-lived depression for a week (where I was virtually unrecognizable to my husband) after we got back, to transitioning into a new job and the first time I've been in school and had homework in a decade...I haven't been in contact like I should be. And to the friends who may feel left behind by me...I'm truly sorry.
I honestly don't know what to do with myself to be honest. I'm overwhelmed at the number of phone calls I need to make to people I love desperately. I've literally only really called my mom. I've thought of my college girls (who I know love me no matter how long it's been and they know I care). I've thought of my Bible study. I've thought of my other church friends. I've even thought of my next door neighbors that we've been trying to be a Light to, and I haven't hardly said two words to them since we got back. I've gone out to dinner with a new friend and had friends over for a bonfire just to try to get fellowship in... in the last 2 and a half weeks. That's it. And basically called my mom like 2 or 3 times. I've thought of my sisters who I haven't caught up with. The list goes on and on...and it's just plain overwhelming. It makes me not want to call anybody. Then everyone is equally left out. Is that terrible? Probably. I'm not even sure. I literally texted a friend today that I haven't spoken to HERE IN MILWAUKEE in 6 months. Oh. My. Word.
I've always been a social butterfly. I just love loving people. No matter where they are, what their choices are or what they're up to in life in general. This is a real struggle for me. Being social is part of the core of who I am. How do I balance all this? Do I ask forgiveness for not calling or texting people? Do I drop the class and say relationships are more important? Do I suck it up and put my nose to the grindstone and just make the contacts I can and just say, "It's a season," and those who are there at the end of it are the ones who loved me anyway? I don't know. I'm sure everyone has their opinions as to what I should or shouldn't do. I'm sure they span the gammit. I'm not really looking for advice (typical womanly stuff, right?)...I'm kinda just writing my thoughts as they are. Do I just make the first things the first things? My family first, my parents and sisters, and a few friends? I don't know. I have no answers.
Here's what I know. I love being at home with my kids in the zoo that is my home, with poop in the carpet (because we are potty training), with "MOOOOOOOOMMMYYY" whines that can be heard 'round the house, with daily meltdowns because I keep taking my phone away from them, with fun and reading and fun toddler giggles. Every day at home is the one thing I will not drop, no matter what. I love the new job, I'm capable and good at it. I also LOVE being able to serve other parents so that they can worship and study the Word together. I know all too well what it is to need a break. And now I am blessed to be able to coordinate relief for my fellow parents of toddlers. What a blessing to be in my position. It also brings us some extra leniency, especially for generosity, which is something dear to our hearts and we feel deeply called to. Generosity and hospitality. I enjoy the job and it brings in what we need to get from A to B plus a little extra to give to others. I love it. Won't drop it.
My class, I've found cathartic. It's all about me and challenging myself. Feeling like a real human outside of dirty diapers, laundry and cleaning up messes and such (which I do find worth it, it's just that I don't want my identity to be wrapped up in that). It's a step toward pursuing my dreams. I ache to be a counselor, all the heartaches and the craziness that comes with it...I wanna get down in the dirt with people when we all realize that life is messy and relationships are messy...I wanna assist and offer what guidance God may give them or give me through any clients. This is a dream. And my kids won't remember missed dinners now, but they will in a couple of years. I'd rather do that now.
But I'm a terrible friend right now. That's the reality of my world. I believe I'm on the right track. I actually feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm tremendously at peace. Until I start reflecting on my friendships. I don't know what to do. I don't mean to not be a friend. In fact, that's one of the thing I've always prided myself on being was a LOYAL FRIEND. There through anything. Could keep things to myself when it came to the struggles of others. I don't WANT to be failing as a friend. I love the people I love with all my heart. I want to be tried and true to the community God has given me. How do I navigate this? I want to love people as best I can. I want to be there in the clutch.
Where do I draw my boundaries? I've always wrestled with wanting to be everything to everyone. All my life, that's been a struggle. This is truly the first time I've felt STRAPPED socially. Being social breathes life into me. My love and loyalty to people around me runs deep, even when I don't communicate with everyone. If any one of my friends called in a desperate situation, I'd work it out. I'm still that way. But is the Lord pushing me toward setting up boundaries? Realizing not everyone will be happy with me all the time? Ugh, that hurts my people pleasing heart to it's core. Am I supposed to have friendship seasons that end, or at least are put on pause? I don't like stress in relationship. I always try to apologize for what's mine in conflict, whether it's 5% my fault or 95%, it doesn't matter (many times, not always...no one's perfect). I've realized that my relationships may come under stress during this time. Is that okay? Once again, I don't know.
How do I process this? How do I grow? How do I grow up, realizing I really can't please everyone? I like to live in a world of optimism, that says I can be all things to all people. Is this time of my life going to have conflict and stress with others because of my schedule and I need to be brave enough to face it? I need to stare boundaries right in the face and come to grips with the reality that not everyone will like my schedule and choice. Ugh, there's my people pleasing heart being ripped out of my chest. I need to do what's right for me and my family. But my community is not to be left out. I don't know where to go or how to succeed in all this.
Or is part of my walk in this season being a failure, and learning from failure when it comes to friendship? I want to grow and learn and leave this season better than I started it. And truth be told, I have no idea what that means. But I trust my Good Father. I know I'm going to fail, and He's still going to love me and not allow me to see myself as a "failure" because I fall. He's my rock and my anchor. I will hold on to him as the winds of this storm, I have a feeling, are just starting to ramp up.
Thanks for listening.
I've officially reached the "I suck as a friend" part of my life. I am a stay-at-home mom of 3 kids 2 years and under. I have a 14 year old autistic stepson. I was just hired as the preschool coordinator at my church very recently, a job I'm really coming to love and brings in a small amount of extra income for our family. I also picked up a Statistics class that began two nights a week starting last week...plus the included homework. My husband is also taking a class that takes him away one night a week. While it's a delicate balance of getting all of this together, but we are starting to find our new normal.
"Why are you taking a class with all of what you already have?" The truth is, I'm really actually happy to do it. It's the first stepping stone toward a dream I've had for a few years...I have realized where my gifting finally is and I deeply desire to be a Marriage and Family counselor and have a Master's with that label. I plan to apply to Liberty University's online program in the next couple of years and I'm short a Statistics class and a particular Psych class. While they say that you can complete that course work later even if you get accepted to the program, my husband works at a local university and I can literally do the classes for free. I also took the GRE about a year and a half ago and the score is good for 5 years. And not only is it a stepping stone, I also really enjoy class and learning as a whole. Yes, it is work. Yes, it takes time. But I'm looking forward to applying to Liberty once I feel I could start chipping away at the course work. We will see in the future when that is (probably once my twin girls start K4).
So all of that to say, my life is packed. 3 evenings a week, it's tough for my husband and I to eat together, much less me and my husband AND my girls. But the truth is, this is the time in their lives where I will be present much of the day and I miss two nights a week of dinner...they won't remember it and I still have time with them all day. But I'd like to chip away at doing this now.
The income from my job is somewhat necessary, and like I said, I'm really starting to enjoy it. The kids and the families are really neat to interact with and serve at my church. It's a taxing time right now because the Sunday School year starts next week. Basically, for my many teacher friends, it's exactly like the beginning of the school year...you spend a lot of time having to be physically present for setting things up and making sure things are in order, on top of running meetings, an event this Saturday and making sure that my teachers are lined up and feel confident stepping into their teaching role with these kids in their 2's & 3's. It's 10 hours a week, 5 of which are on Sundays just running things during all services. The rest are done at home, pretty much, during naptime. At least that's what it WILL look like after all this "beginning of the year" craziness. Craziness is an appropriate word, trust me. But once everything starts, it will get easier and much more rhythmic.
However, needless to say, I've become a terrible friend in this process. I've forgotten and neglected those around me. I'm really starting to realize this. I have sweet friends who I have not touched base with ALL SUMMER. Even friends from my Bible study on Fridays from last year, who were consistent in their prayers for my husband's family in the wake of Kari's diagnosis. It literally dawned on me a little bit ago that I'm not even sure I emailed them after she passed. "Really?! Really, Hannah?!" That's my thoughts...(yes, I will email them after finishing my thoughts here that are caged in and needing to get out.) I have friends that I haven't contacted for much longer than I should, friends who I used to talk to regularly. With everything with Kari, coming back and hitting my own short-lived depression for a week (where I was virtually unrecognizable to my husband) after we got back, to transitioning into a new job and the first time I've been in school and had homework in a decade...I haven't been in contact like I should be. And to the friends who may feel left behind by me...I'm truly sorry.
I honestly don't know what to do with myself to be honest. I'm overwhelmed at the number of phone calls I need to make to people I love desperately. I've literally only really called my mom. I've thought of my college girls (who I know love me no matter how long it's been and they know I care). I've thought of my Bible study. I've thought of my other church friends. I've even thought of my next door neighbors that we've been trying to be a Light to, and I haven't hardly said two words to them since we got back. I've gone out to dinner with a new friend and had friends over for a bonfire just to try to get fellowship in... in the last 2 and a half weeks. That's it. And basically called my mom like 2 or 3 times. I've thought of my sisters who I haven't caught up with. The list goes on and on...and it's just plain overwhelming. It makes me not want to call anybody. Then everyone is equally left out. Is that terrible? Probably. I'm not even sure. I literally texted a friend today that I haven't spoken to HERE IN MILWAUKEE in 6 months. Oh. My. Word.
I've always been a social butterfly. I just love loving people. No matter where they are, what their choices are or what they're up to in life in general. This is a real struggle for me. Being social is part of the core of who I am. How do I balance all this? Do I ask forgiveness for not calling or texting people? Do I drop the class and say relationships are more important? Do I suck it up and put my nose to the grindstone and just make the contacts I can and just say, "It's a season," and those who are there at the end of it are the ones who loved me anyway? I don't know. I'm sure everyone has their opinions as to what I should or shouldn't do. I'm sure they span the gammit. I'm not really looking for advice (typical womanly stuff, right?)...I'm kinda just writing my thoughts as they are. Do I just make the first things the first things? My family first, my parents and sisters, and a few friends? I don't know. I have no answers.
Here's what I know. I love being at home with my kids in the zoo that is my home, with poop in the carpet (because we are potty training), with "MOOOOOOOOMMMYYY" whines that can be heard 'round the house, with daily meltdowns because I keep taking my phone away from them, with fun and reading and fun toddler giggles. Every day at home is the one thing I will not drop, no matter what. I love the new job, I'm capable and good at it. I also LOVE being able to serve other parents so that they can worship and study the Word together. I know all too well what it is to need a break. And now I am blessed to be able to coordinate relief for my fellow parents of toddlers. What a blessing to be in my position. It also brings us some extra leniency, especially for generosity, which is something dear to our hearts and we feel deeply called to. Generosity and hospitality. I enjoy the job and it brings in what we need to get from A to B plus a little extra to give to others. I love it. Won't drop it.
My class, I've found cathartic. It's all about me and challenging myself. Feeling like a real human outside of dirty diapers, laundry and cleaning up messes and such (which I do find worth it, it's just that I don't want my identity to be wrapped up in that). It's a step toward pursuing my dreams. I ache to be a counselor, all the heartaches and the craziness that comes with it...I wanna get down in the dirt with people when we all realize that life is messy and relationships are messy...I wanna assist and offer what guidance God may give them or give me through any clients. This is a dream. And my kids won't remember missed dinners now, but they will in a couple of years. I'd rather do that now.
But I'm a terrible friend right now. That's the reality of my world. I believe I'm on the right track. I actually feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm tremendously at peace. Until I start reflecting on my friendships. I don't know what to do. I don't mean to not be a friend. In fact, that's one of the thing I've always prided myself on being was a LOYAL FRIEND. There through anything. Could keep things to myself when it came to the struggles of others. I don't WANT to be failing as a friend. I love the people I love with all my heart. I want to be tried and true to the community God has given me. How do I navigate this? I want to love people as best I can. I want to be there in the clutch.
Where do I draw my boundaries? I've always wrestled with wanting to be everything to everyone. All my life, that's been a struggle. This is truly the first time I've felt STRAPPED socially. Being social breathes life into me. My love and loyalty to people around me runs deep, even when I don't communicate with everyone. If any one of my friends called in a desperate situation, I'd work it out. I'm still that way. But is the Lord pushing me toward setting up boundaries? Realizing not everyone will be happy with me all the time? Ugh, that hurts my people pleasing heart to it's core. Am I supposed to have friendship seasons that end, or at least are put on pause? I don't like stress in relationship. I always try to apologize for what's mine in conflict, whether it's 5% my fault or 95%, it doesn't matter (many times, not always...no one's perfect). I've realized that my relationships may come under stress during this time. Is that okay? Once again, I don't know.
How do I process this? How do I grow? How do I grow up, realizing I really can't please everyone? I like to live in a world of optimism, that says I can be all things to all people. Is this time of my life going to have conflict and stress with others because of my schedule and I need to be brave enough to face it? I need to stare boundaries right in the face and come to grips with the reality that not everyone will like my schedule and choice. Ugh, there's my people pleasing heart being ripped out of my chest. I need to do what's right for me and my family. But my community is not to be left out. I don't know where to go or how to succeed in all this.
Or is part of my walk in this season being a failure, and learning from failure when it comes to friendship? I want to grow and learn and leave this season better than I started it. And truth be told, I have no idea what that means. But I trust my Good Father. I know I'm going to fail, and He's still going to love me and not allow me to see myself as a "failure" because I fall. He's my rock and my anchor. I will hold on to him as the winds of this storm, I have a feeling, are just starting to ramp up.
Thanks for listening.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
Mourning the Loss of Expectation
Life doesn't meet our expectations.
This is not new information to any of us. Since childhood, we have learned that our expectations are not always met. When we make JV instead of Varsity, when we expected to get a B on a test and got a D, when the person you're dating breaks up with you when you thought it was forever, and many other things. As we grow, the expectations get loftier...and more complicated. You expect to be handed a spouse by the time you're 30 and it doesn't happen, you expected that a certain career would be your dream job and it falls flat, you expect to have a baby and it's way more complicated than you expected, you have a baby and realize that there's special needs involved, the job you expected to have for years suddenly lets you go, you expected marriage and parenting to be fun and fulfilling and you realize some of your loneliest days have happened while surrounded by your spouse and kids, you expected to be healthy until you head to a nursing home some day and get a scary diagnosis in your 30s instead, and so many other things.
There's a crisis of heart that happens. It's real, it's stark, it's painful, to the point where your chest feels like it's going to cave in. You're dumbfounded, overwhelmed, sad and angry. You try to stuff the pain, thinking as we did as babies, "If I can't see it, it isn't there." And yet in your heart, in your chest, in your stomach it threatens to explode. The grief is real. You can't escape it. The more you push it down, the more it seems to want to inundate your soul. You start to think, "Where do I go from here? Do I give up? What does all this mean?"
Can I encourage you? It's okay. Mourn the loss. When life doesn't meet the expectations you had, the grief can permeate your entire being. Whether it's a one piece of big news, or living with an unmet expectation every day, it is OKAY to grieve. In fact, it is GOOD to grieve that loss. I have not just seen this kind of grief but experienced it many times. I've finally started to see something clearly: Until you mourn the loss of what you thought would be, you will miss the joy of reality.
This is not new information to any of us. Since childhood, we have learned that our expectations are not always met. When we make JV instead of Varsity, when we expected to get a B on a test and got a D, when the person you're dating breaks up with you when you thought it was forever, and many other things. As we grow, the expectations get loftier...and more complicated. You expect to be handed a spouse by the time you're 30 and it doesn't happen, you expected that a certain career would be your dream job and it falls flat, you expect to have a baby and it's way more complicated than you expected, you have a baby and realize that there's special needs involved, the job you expected to have for years suddenly lets you go, you expected marriage and parenting to be fun and fulfilling and you realize some of your loneliest days have happened while surrounded by your spouse and kids, you expected to be healthy until you head to a nursing home some day and get a scary diagnosis in your 30s instead, and so many other things.
There's a crisis of heart that happens. It's real, it's stark, it's painful, to the point where your chest feels like it's going to cave in. You're dumbfounded, overwhelmed, sad and angry. You try to stuff the pain, thinking as we did as babies, "If I can't see it, it isn't there." And yet in your heart, in your chest, in your stomach it threatens to explode. The grief is real. You can't escape it. The more you push it down, the more it seems to want to inundate your soul. You start to think, "Where do I go from here? Do I give up? What does all this mean?"
Can I encourage you? It's okay. Mourn the loss. When life doesn't meet the expectations you had, the grief can permeate your entire being. Whether it's a one piece of big news, or living with an unmet expectation every day, it is OKAY to grieve. In fact, it is GOOD to grieve that loss. I have not just seen this kind of grief but experienced it many times. I've finally started to see something clearly: Until you mourn the loss of what you thought would be, you will miss the joy of reality.
Like I said, I have experienced this on many occasions. From simple things in my youth that really were big to me at the time, and therefore the grief was real...to my adulthood. I thought I'd easily be married by my early to mid twenties and that didn't happen. I was never an overly optimistic or unrealistic person about what marriage would look like, but I didn't expect that some of my loneliest days would happen in marriage, even when we would try the hardest to be the closest. I wasn't overly optimistic about being a mom, but motherhood has taxed me beyond what I thought was possible. I had no idea what it would be like to be a step parent to a special needs child (I tried to have an idea) and I had no clue what it would actually turned out to be. I didn't know how much I would miss working a job outside of the house, and how much being a mom would make me question if I was even an individual anymore. My gifts, talents and passions seem to move to the backburner. I didn't realize that having a job outside the home would actually become a crucial part of my day to day stay-at-home life to just feel human. I never expected to be cheated on because I'm sickeningly loyal, and I was in my dating years. I didn't think in a million years I would be looked into for the potential that I might be abusing my children, and I was...for 7 long months (of course, they left us alone at the end of it because they couldn't find anything). I could go on.
There are no words for the grief that overwhelms in you in big moments. Hearing the words, "Your girls will either be needing to go into foster care or someone needs to come live with you 24/7 for the foreseeable future, because of your daughter's unexplained injury. This could be up to 6 months." My chest felt like it had been crushed by a car, I exploded into tears. My life with my young kids was supposed to be happy and whole, how did this happen? Why was my personal life being intruded on by social workers, friends and family members (who were God's grace to us, but the grief was still real at the time), lawyers, etc? Why? What had I ever done to bring me to this place? If we didn't work it out with friends and family, MY kids would be in foster care? Are you SERIOUS?! Just the memory makes my eyes fill with tears. The grief threatened to drown me. This wasn't supposed to be part of my motherhood memories. It's a scar that's still there and will always be there.
I married the most giving and loving man I know. I couldn't be more blessed. But guess what? When the Apostle Paul says, "When you marry, you will have trouble..." he didn't say, unless you have a good spouse, or unless you're selfless, or unless you have kids, or any other "unless" statements. This includes us. My husband is cleaner than me, but in a strange twist, I'm more "organized." You can imagine the discussions we've had. I don't notice that things aren't perfectly clean because I do not naturally think that way. I will walk by full garbages, not because I want to, but my brain doesn't notice them naturally. I have other priorities, especially with the kids around! But because being clean is important to my husband, it does hurt him because acts of service is his love language on top of being a clean person. But I've had to do my best to be more observant about being cleaner because it means a lot to my husband. This is extremely difficult for me, to this day. It can cause conflict. We have to work through it, and always come out together on the other side. I don't desire for my husband to feel unloved, but missing something simple can make him feel like he doesn't matter. It's AMAZING in marriage how small things can become big things, in ways you just can't prepare for.
At the same time, I had expectations for date nights, for physical intimacy, for what evenings together look like that have not panned out with small children and busy lives. If I don't watch myself, I swirl down into the sinking sand of insecurity. It's a deep pits of tears and crushed hearts of feeling rejected and alone. There are periods where we feel like roommates, despite our best efforts to not feel that way.
We are handed griefs and questions in life that sometimes go without answers and a lot of comfort. I don't know why things happen the way they do. I don't know why I expect and think the way I do. But the truth is, when it comes to expectations in life, love and family...so many things do NOT pan out the way we plan. We look at our life and we say, "How did I get here?" Stuffing the pain down and pretending it doesn't exist doesn't work. Period. It makes things worse, oftentimes. So let me encourage you to grieve. Expectations of what life would look like are tossed out the window. The key to grief in any situation is let the grief come when it does, but don't stay there. Until you know and accept the depths of your own pain, it's impossible to move into the joy of the reality you actually live in. It's not denial of pain that leads to joy, it's owning the pain for what it is and working your way toward the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Life has a way of reminding us of our grief and pain in unexpected times and unexpected ways. But in order to move forward, it means ADDRESSING the grief. Grief is never "left behind." It will come up again. I was up at 10:30 the other night crying over a lost expectation (that I had lost several times over the years, and I'd lost it again, and I cried again). Dealing with the pain of feeling rejected and that I wasn't good enough, took a full half hour of dark thoughts and prayer.
The battle of expectations and reality doesn't ever end, here on earth. You dream of marriage, and once you get there, you realize you've never had to work so hard or felt so lonely (at times) in your life. You dream of kids, and you can be denied having them physically or they get there and you realize you've never wanted to kill someone you love so much at certain moments (for those parents who are honest enough to say it!). It's just crazy the level of let downs in life.
But the other truth is, there's a reason that everything is so broken: that our hopes and dreams of marriage, kids and white picket fences come crushing down on us when they're real, when the dream job turns out to be a nightmare, when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel just to pay the bills, when someone you love so much can make you angrier than you ever thought possible, when you see the depths of your own insecurities the further down life's road you go...something is broken here. Something isn't right. Why is everything so crazy and so out of sorts? How do we know something is desperately wrong with the world around us, and we KNOW it in our hearts? It's because the world God created was WHOLE, and WE broke it. We were given freewill. We can choose to do right and we can choose to do wrong. We have optimistic dreams about love and family because family was God's design to reflect how He works. He adopts us as his children. The church is his bride. God is a God of work and purpose. We love the work that feels like it gives us purpose as well. We love to succeed at that work, just as God said, "It was good" at the end of his work of creation. We reflect him. But we are a broken mirror of him.
In closing, let me share an intimate story from how my "sisterhood," as Kari called it, when my sister-in-law started. It was because of broken expectations:
When expectations get you down, it's okay to acknowledge the brokenness. But don't let the brokenness be the end. When my sister in law was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer after just having gone through stage 3 cancer two years before, I called her. I wondered what I should say to this mom of 4 who had just been given a terminal diagnosis that would eventually take her life, short of a miracle. Talk about expectations in life being shattered. This wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be. She picked up the phone and I said, "Kari, what can I do?" She said, "You can talk to God because I'm not talking to him right now. I've had a friend tell me she will throw rocks at heaven with me." The only words that came to my heart were the following and they changed the trajectory of our relationship as a whole, "Kari, you remember when your kids were little and you took something from them or didn't let them go somewhere and they were so mad at you they were hitting things? They didn't understand why you'd done what you'd done as a parent. You really couldn't explain it to them because they wouldn't understand. What did you do? You held them in their anger, you let them hit you as necessary. You could take the hits. The bond and love for the parent to the child hadn't changed. But the intimacy of holding the child in their pain brought comfort to your heart and to the child's as well. There's an eventual softening that happens when being held, even if the feelings are real. Kari, throwing rocks requires distance. It's something you do at something or someone who is far away. I would encourage you to, instead, feel the way you feel in His arms instead. Sit in your daddy's lap who has just done something that you don't understand and let Him have it. He can take your hits. Then, let His love wash over you. He will comfort you day by day, He will let you hit, cry, scream, etc. Just do it with His arms around you. It will change everything." And it did. Expectations were gone. She passed in 6 months, rather than the 2-5 year prognosis. But when her expectations were shattered, she grieved with the One who knew every pain of her heart and her body. She was never the same. I'd encourage you, in all of your broken expectations, to do the same.
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