Sunday marked a month since my sister-in-law passed away. The grief definitely has its ebbs and flows as time goes on. My husband feels it starkly and regularly. She fills the memories of his childhood. They walked through the ups and downs of schools out of state and single parenthood together. He watched her fulfill her dreams of becoming a school counselor...only to be re-diagnosed with cancer a month later. It causes him to look at and question his own dreams. It's something he is working though and that we work through together. His grief will continue to feel stronger at some moments than others, but we will walk this road together. We are determined to do so.
For me, I had focused on Jason and his family to the absolute best of my abilities for that near month-long time in California. When I came back, I came back home absolutely exhausted. I had almost a black cloud hanging over my head. I felt like it was debilitating. I didn't feel like myself at all. It was absolutely worth every moment I spent moving to the background, trying to be aware of how I could serve and love, and just be my motto when it comes to what the Lord may call me to do..."I'm available and obedient." I realized that after all the good I'd seen, all the victories, all the hope and so much more (even in the middle of such a sad and hard time), I told my husband I felt more like Elijah or Jonah. I felt like I just collapsed after seeing such brilliance from the Lord. I wasn't sure where to go or what to do.
My husband realized that it was a time where I needed to be supported. He just took the kids often, let me try to do all the initial work for my new job at church, get some "mom" time in. I swear, trying to start this job during this time of year...it's almost exactly like teaching was...crazy preparations were time-consuming and things just piled on each other before last Sunday's big kickoff. (It went well and I owe so much to him for all the times I was absent) I'm so grateful for all the grace he showed me in this time, I really saw Jesus through my husband.
I really threw myself back in the arms of my loving Lord, who knew everything about me and what I was feeling, even when I wasn't sure what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. As I clung to that Anchor, there were times where I felt free-floating, like I could've just kept floating forever and ever. I wondered if I would feel normal at some point, but what even is normal after something that has effected the husband I love so dramatically? We were on the cusp of each of us starting classes, me starting my new job while he returns to his old one, four kids who need us, friends who hadn't seen or heard from us and so much more. Quite frankly, I had no interest in talking with anyone and had a hard time even engaging with my family when I got back. I started to ask the Lord, "How do I move forward from here? What are you calling me to?" I still haven't necessarily gotten direct answers, but I have made progress.
I started this blog in the middle of that time. I was really thinking about how would I honor the memory of my sister-in-law? She was such a go-getter. I had originally brought up a blog almost 5 years ago for the first time to my manager (who became like a 2nd dad to me) and he'd told me I should. I didn't listen then. I'd been encouraged by friends of mine over the years to do so, and I didn't listen then either, even though it would keep coming back up many times. I realized in my mind that if I'd ever have mentioned it to her, she would've told me to go for it...and I would've listened, because she wouldn't have let me not listen to her. So here I am, wanting to encourage those around me...the same way Kari and I used to encourage each other.
This blog was a catalyst of change for me, the Lord used it to help me begin my move forward. I've re-engaged in home life, church life and friends & family life again, slowly but surely. But one things has sorely been lagging behind in any slow progress I've made.
My weight loss journey that I'd been chronicling for some time on Facebook...the ups and downs and all...had come to screeching halt during that whole time. Even when I got back, I was sorely unmotivated and ended up gaining about 10 of the 30 lbs. I'd lost back. I just couldn't get myself back to caring for a couple of weeks. This past week, I had to come face to face with that. I didn't know what it would take for me to truly get motivated. I'd switched over from my FitnessBlender workouts that we'd done to help me transition back in...to the Insanity workouts. I used to do really well with Insanity. It kicked my butt, but I was starting to conquer the mountain. Now I felt like I was back at the foot of the mountain and had no motivation to climb the workout mountain nor the diet mountain. I just...didn't care. So I've been doing the workouts and stayed mostly on diet and wasn't seeing much progress. Today I weighed myself and I'd gained a pound. All of a sudden today, I felt the anger come back. The same anger that motivated me in the first place to get on this journey at all. This journey started for me because back near Christmas, I had my yearly physical. For the first time in my life, I was over 200 lbs. I'd had a depressing year, to say the least, and my comfort was food. I was so tired and dragged down. Then I got weighed...and I got angry. Not at myself, but just at realizing I was so much more than being unhealthy. So I started to become a fighter. I wanted to be healthy and strong...not even for my kids or my husband...but for me.
I felt that anger come back today. I feel the fierceness coming back. That fierceness that fought for every sweat drop, every pound, through every week of lots of weight loss or a drought of weight loss. Through the ups and downs, I was a fighter. I was determined, at one point in time to not be discouraged by a drought that lasted 4 weeks, and I won. I broke through that barrier. I needed that fight back and I think I've found it, or at least the beginning of that.
So thus begins my time of truly refocusing, by the grace of God. I don't claim to know all of how things will transpire from here. But I do know one thing. I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living (Ps. 27:13). So from here, I will keep the first things first. I will keep my morning time with the Lord consistent, I want to do at least one thing a day that makes my husband feel valuable (he's an acts of service love language, so this can be super tangible for me), I pray for patience and love for my kids that reflects the love Christ has for us...no matter how upsetting or irritating we are ;), I will do my best at my job, I will do my best at my class, and I will be as engaged as possible with my friends and family, and I will keep fighting to be stronger and healthier every day. There are days that will go well with these things, and days that will not. But I pray the Lord keeps that fierceness in me, the one that fought through the droughts of weight loss, that will also fight through the droughts at home, at work or at school. I want to be a fighter. I want my daughters to see that I fought for the things that matter. That no matter when God calls me home, that I will reflect the love of Christ to them and be as much the example of Him that I can be to them...and definitely making necessary apologies when I don't come through and don't live the example I should.
So, in honor of the memory of Kari and to continue in my deepening walk with the Lord, I move ahead. I will keep the blog, no matter if 1 person or a million see it. I will keep fighting for my health and strength. I will fight for my family. I will fight for my dreams. And ultimately, all of these things, including the length and the trials of my life have been ordained by Him. I will continue to trust Him as this life keeps rolling on in the days He gives me. I will cling to my Anchor, no matter what comes. I pray you all will stay on this sure foundation as well.
"Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him." Job 13:15
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