Wrestling with Feeling like a Friend Failure

Warning:  This blog contains no answers for this, only the reality of my struggle in what I'm sure will end up being a stream of consciousness.

I've officially reached the "I suck as a friend" part of my life.  I am a stay-at-home mom of 3 kids 2 years and under.  I have a 14 year old autistic stepson.  I was just hired as the preschool coordinator at my church very recently, a job I'm really coming to love and brings in a small amount of extra income for our family.  I also picked up a Statistics class that began two nights a week starting last week...plus the included homework.  My husband is also taking a class that takes him away one night a week.  While it's a delicate balance of getting all of this together, but we are starting to find our new normal.

"Why are you taking a class with all of what you already have?"  The truth is, I'm really actually happy to do it.  It's the first stepping stone toward a dream I've had for a few years...I have realized where my gifting finally is and I deeply desire to be a Marriage and Family counselor and have a Master's with that label.  I plan to apply to Liberty University's online program in the next couple of years and I'm short a Statistics class and a particular Psych class.  While they say that you can complete that course work later even if you get accepted to the program, my husband works at a local university and I can literally do the classes for free.  I also took the GRE about a year and a half ago and the score is good for 5 years.  And not only is it a stepping stone, I also really enjoy class and learning as a whole.  Yes, it is work.  Yes, it takes time.  But I'm looking forward to applying to Liberty once I feel I could start chipping away at the course work.  We will see in the future when that is (probably once my twin girls start K4). 

So all of that to say, my life is packed.  3 evenings a week, it's tough for my husband and I to eat together, much less me and my husband AND my girls.  But the truth is, this is the time in their lives where I will be present much of the day and I miss two nights a week of dinner...they won't remember it and I still have time with them all day.  But I'd like to chip away at doing this now.

The income from my job is somewhat necessary, and like I said, I'm really starting to enjoy it.  The kids and the families are really neat to interact with and serve at my church.  It's a taxing time right now because the Sunday School year starts next week.  Basically, for my many teacher friends, it's exactly like the beginning of the school year...you spend a lot of time having to be physically present for setting things up and making sure things are in order, on top of running meetings, an event this Saturday and making sure that my teachers are lined up and feel confident stepping into their teaching role with these kids in their 2's & 3's.  It's 10 hours a week, 5 of which are on Sundays just running things during all services.  The rest are done at home, pretty much, during naptime.  At least that's what it WILL look like after all this "beginning of the year" craziness.  Craziness is an appropriate word, trust me.  But once everything starts, it will get easier and much more rhythmic.

However, needless to say, I've become a terrible friend in this process.  I've forgotten and neglected those around me.  I'm really starting to realize this.  I have sweet friends who I have not touched base with ALL SUMMER.  Even friends from my Bible study on Fridays from last year, who were consistent in their prayers for my husband's family in the wake of Kari's diagnosis.  It literally dawned on me a little bit ago that I'm not even sure I emailed them after she passed.  "Really?!  Really, Hannah?!"  That's my thoughts...(yes, I will email them after finishing my thoughts here that are caged in and needing to get out.)  I have friends that I haven't contacted for much longer than I should, friends who I used to talk to regularly.  With everything with Kari, coming back and hitting my own short-lived depression for a week (where I was virtually unrecognizable to my husband) after we got back, to transitioning into a new job and the first time I've been in school and had homework in a decade...I haven't been in contact like I should be.  And to the friends who may feel left behind by me...I'm truly sorry.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself to be honest.  I'm overwhelmed at the number of phone calls I need to make to people I love desperately.  I've literally only really called my mom.  I've thought of my college girls (who I know love me no matter how long it's been and they know I care).  I've thought of my Bible study.  I've thought of my other church friends.  I've even thought of my next door neighbors that we've been trying to be a Light to, and I haven't hardly said two words to them since we got back.  I've gone out to dinner with a new friend and had friends over for a bonfire just to try to get fellowship in... in the last 2 and a half weeks.  That's it.  And basically called my mom like 2 or 3 times.  I've thought of my sisters who I haven't caught up with.  The list goes on and on...and it's just plain overwhelming.  It makes me not want to call anybody.  Then everyone is equally left out.  Is that terrible?  Probably.  I'm not even sure.  I literally texted a friend today that I haven't spoken to HERE IN MILWAUKEE in 6 months.  Oh. My. Word.

I've always been a social butterfly.  I just love loving people.  No matter where they are, what their choices are or what they're up to in life in general.  This is a real struggle for me.  Being social is part of the core of who I am.  How do I balance all this?  Do I ask forgiveness for not calling or texting people?  Do I drop the class and say relationships are more important?  Do I suck it up and put my nose to the grindstone and just make the contacts I can and just say, "It's a season," and those who are there at the end of it are the ones who loved me anyway?  I don't know.  I'm sure everyone has their opinions as to what I should or shouldn't do.  I'm sure they span the gammit.  I'm not really looking for advice (typical womanly stuff, right?)...I'm kinda just writing my thoughts as they are.  Do I just make the first things the first things?  My family first, my parents and sisters, and a few friends?  I don't know.  I have no answers.

Here's what I know.  I love being at home with my kids in the zoo that is my home, with poop in the carpet (because we are potty training), with "MOOOOOOOOMMMYYY" whines that can be heard 'round the house, with daily meltdowns because I keep taking my phone away from them, with fun and reading and fun toddler giggles.  Every day at home is the one thing I will not drop, no matter what.  I love the new job, I'm capable and good at it.  I also LOVE being able to serve other parents so that they can worship and study the Word together.  I know all too well what it is to need a break.  And now I am blessed to be able to coordinate relief for my fellow parents of toddlers.  What a blessing to be in my position.  It also brings us some extra leniency, especially for generosity, which is something dear to our hearts and we feel deeply called to.  Generosity and hospitality.  I enjoy the job and it brings in what we need to get from A to B plus a little extra to give to others.  I love it.  Won't drop it.

My class, I've found cathartic.  It's all about me and challenging myself.  Feeling like a real human outside of dirty diapers, laundry and cleaning up messes and such (which I do find worth it, it's just that I don't want my identity to be wrapped up in that).  It's a step toward pursuing my dreams.  I ache to be a counselor, all the heartaches and the craziness that comes with it...I wanna get down in the dirt with people when we all realize that life is messy and relationships are messy...I wanna assist and offer what guidance God may give them or give me through any clients.  This is a dream.  And my kids won't remember missed dinners now, but they will in a couple of years.  I'd rather do that now.

But I'm a terrible friend right now.  That's the reality of my world.  I believe I'm on the right track.  I actually feel like I'm doing the right thing.  I'm tremendously at peace.  Until I start reflecting on my friendships.  I don't know what to do.  I don't mean to not be a friend.  In fact, that's one of the thing I've always prided myself on being was a LOYAL FRIEND.  There through anything.  Could keep things to myself when it came to the struggles of others.  I don't WANT to be failing as a friend.  I love the people I love with all my heart.  I want to be tried and true to the community God has given me.  How do I navigate this?  I want to love people as best I can.  I want to be there in the clutch. 

Where do I draw my boundaries?  I've always wrestled with wanting to be everything to everyone.  All my life, that's been a struggle.  This is truly the first time I've felt STRAPPED socially.  Being social breathes life into me.  My love and loyalty to people around me runs deep, even when I don't communicate with everyone.  If any one of my friends called in a desperate situation, I'd work it out.  I'm still that way.  But is the Lord pushing me toward setting up boundaries?  Realizing not everyone will be happy with me all the time?  Ugh, that hurts my people pleasing heart to it's core.  Am I supposed to have friendship seasons that end, or at least are put on pause?  I don't like stress in relationship.  I always try to apologize for what's mine in conflict, whether it's 5% my fault or 95%, it doesn't matter (many times, not always...no one's perfect).  I've realized that my relationships may come under stress during this time.  Is that okay?  Once again, I don't know. 

How do I process this?  How do I grow?  How do I grow up, realizing I really can't please everyone?  I like to live in a world of optimism, that says I can be all things to all people.  Is this time of my life going to have conflict and stress with others because of my schedule and I need to be brave enough to face it?  I need to stare boundaries right in the face and come to grips with the reality that not everyone will like my schedule and choice.  Ugh, there's my people pleasing heart being ripped out of my chest.  I need to do what's right for me and my family.  But my community is not to be left out.  I don't know where to go or how to succeed in all this.

Or is part of my walk in this season being a failure, and learning from failure when it comes to friendship?  I want to grow and learn and leave this season better than I started it.  And truth be told, I have no idea what that means.  But I trust my Good Father.  I know I'm going to fail, and He's still going to love me and not allow me to see myself as a "failure" because I fall.  He's my rock and my anchor.  I will hold on to him as the winds of this storm, I have a feeling, are just starting to ramp up.

Thanks for listening.