I've had some conversations with people recently about both the over-idealization of marriage and kids as well as the tremendous fear of what the reality of marriage and kids bring. It's caused me to pause and reflect on several things.
Let's address first things first: Sin broke things. Not just things, but everything. When we chose ourselves before our Good God, we made a choice that effects every single aspect of every single thing in creation. Relationships are messy. People and things deteriorate and die. We have thoughts and do things that we never dreamed we were capable of in real life. The people we love the most cause us the most distress at times. It's a crazy world because of our own selfishness and delusion. God allowed us the choice, and continues to...and we continue to pick ourselves, despite our best efforts to the contrary. There are pictures of cute toddlers, only to be contrasted by our raised voices and angry outbursts at those same adorable faces. There's the wedding pictures of smiles and beauty, contrasted with going to bed not really speaking to each other because we just had some "passionate fellowship" (aka. conflict) that remains unresolved. Sin has really messed stuff up and the reality is, until Christ himself returns, there's nothing that will demolish the brokenness completely. But, we also have a faithful God who wants us to be more like Himself, and Jesus suffered. Jesus sacrificed that we may know the extent to which true Love goes...the lengths to which it will deny itself for the good of the other.
In our first world culture, we believe that life is about our comfort, our good, and that everything just eventually "works out" in life. I don't believe this is what we find in Scripture. We find that God is "working out" our salvation step-by-step in this life, and we will not see "our good" until heaven comes. Often people use Romans 8:28 as a basis for believing everything will work out. Here's the entirety of the verse:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
However, if you actually read the CONTEXT of that verse (as Greg Koukl of Stand to Reason says, "Never just read a Bible verse"), both before and after that he's talking about Heaven, he's talking about that no matter how things go here on earth, our Eternity is secure. The "good" addressed here is an Ultimate Good, an Ultimate Hope. There's no reassurance by it's context that God will fix the brokenness we experience here while our lives are earthly. The context is a world that is "in bondage to decay" (v. 21), the world is "groaning as in the pains of childbirth" for the second coming of our King (v. 22), and ultimate glory (v. 30). We know that God never leaves us alone, we know that our Hope is secure, that everything that is broken here will be REDEEMED in the most Ultimate way. I cannot realistically say that anything you're experiencing in your own life, whether single, married, married with kids, divorced, widowed or any other status will change and you'll get some sort of redemption here on earth. I believe at times that the Word says, yes, God will redeem things in our lives in a tangible way here on earth. However, sometimes He doesn't intervene. Circumstances don't change, but it's not because God doesn't care. It's because...
"God is more interested in your holiness rather than your happiness."
What I can guarantee you is, if you let it, whatever you're going through in your life, with your marriage or with your kids, is that it can in the end, bring you to a more Christ-like place. That's what we so commonly ask for, isn't it? We ask God, "Make me more like you." However, to become more like Christ, as the Apostle Paul says, is often accompanied by SUFFERING. Christ himself suffered immensely, then why should it surprise us that to become more like Him means to include suffering as well? We often bargain with God about the level of suffering we are WILLING to endure. What if we simply put our life, our marital status, our desire for kids, our desires to train the kids we have at His feet, and trust His judgment and trust that even with whatever pain we experience here on Earth, that He will Ultimately Redeem it, even if we don't experience it here? Simple, but not easy. Food for thought.
How does this relate to marriage and kids?
We have a church culture that tends to glorify the married life. It's the earthly picture of Christ and the Church, right? Shouldn't that be our highest ambition? Doesn't being married means we have "arrived" in some fashion? Aren't we commanded to fill the earth and multiply?
We have a secular culture that looks down on married life, that level of commitment, and "being tied down." Why tie yourself to someone permanently? Why make it legal? Who cares if the government knows what goes on in your bedroom? Does love need to be legal? Why have kids at all? They're inconvenient, snot-nosed little selfish twerps, right? Why weigh down my freedom by having to answer to small humans who don't know how good they have it? My personal autonomy is King. (Yes, I've literally read articles from the New York Times arguing this point, multiple times. I'm not making it up.)
What a contrast! We are torn between these main two views (yes, there are other views, but these two tend to be the most prominent and contrasting). This is really tough. Because neither view is biblical (aside from the embodiment of Christ and the church). There is NO "arrival" that happens with marriage and kids. While it is natural for us to desire relationship with permanence and full acceptance, there is an Ultimate Reason for that...that NO spouse can fulfill. Sorry, there is no "you complete me" when it comes to marriage or family. But, there is a reason we desire it...and it is NOT A BAD DESIRE!
We ache to be intimately known...and fully accepted...simultaneously.
Marriage won't bring you fully there. But it gets you closer.
BUT....
It's both in the positive and in the uncomfortable.
To be intimately known means to know your sin and your brokenness in all of it's yuckiness. Not just all your good, but all your baggage as well. Inviting a marriage partner into your life means allowing someone to see you day in and day out, in all of your glory and all of your yuckiness...and it effects every aspect of THEIR well-being as well. You invite someone into the way life changes you, in pain, in grief, in joy, in all the ways the surprises in life change you as a person. To be married, means that you are bringing the refining fire of God CLOSER to your life. The results are truly amazing, God burns away impurities we wouldn't have otherwise seen or known about...He draws you into holiness. But MAN, the closer you bring that fire, it's also an invitation to bring that nasty dross to the surface of the gold of holiness that God desires into us. Some of my most painful days have been in marriage, and I know many people who would agree with this. All of a sudden, all the things that never really effected anyone else, now come out, guns blazing around someone who you are around all the time. This is for our Ultimate Good.
It's not always fun, but let me tell you...there is a JOY that comes that isn't attainable in other places! All the conflicts that come up, as you push through and cry through and work through the pain of the conflict, there is a DURABILITY that comes to the relationship...it gives it depth and longevity that the "butterflies" of dating doesn't give you. All of a sudden, you understand the sacrifice of Christ a bit better, you understand that level of Love a little bit. The compromise, the tears, the happiness, the laughter, the sex in marriage...all of a sudden teach you the love is so much more painful and so much more joyful than you ever expected. You learn to be a fighter, you learn to give up things, you learn to stand your ground, you learn to serve, you learn to dig in your heels for the one you love, and it's so much harder and so much more of a blessing than it could ever be told to you.
Your greatest qualities and your worst qualities come to light, and they become a place for God to do battle with the nastiness of your heart...only to come out on the other side with His Joy and His Fulfillment. I don't know why it works that way. The more I get older, the more I realize I don't know very much. But the truth is, marriage is a wonderful blessing, but like anything in life...
The things that are the most worth it...are the most work.
Then you add kids to the mix. Wow. All those pictures in the doctor's office are super cute, right? All those professional pictures of families smiling on the rocks of Lake Michigan, just warm your heart. As well they should. They give us an image of what we desire in our heart of hearts: inclusion, love, someone to watch out for us, happiness, togetherness, and many other things. But there's a reality that sin has tainted that too. The same kids you're cuddling with in those pictures just made you so spitting mad 2 hours after those pictures were taken because they refused to get dressed or come when you called. As I've said in a previous blog, for the honest parents out there, "You've never wanted to kill something you love so much." If the parents of the world are honest, we've all felt like walking out and leave these kids to fend for themselves for an hour, or a day. We get frustrated. We want to get work done and they get in the way. We want to go out with our friends and can't find a sitter. We get so fed up with doing things for other people...we just want it to be about "us."
Now, Lord knows, everyone needs a recharge time. Jesus himself "regularly," according to the Gospels, set time aside to go off on His own to meet with God and be refilled. If you can carve out a time monthly or weekly to just have time on your own from your kids, please do it.
That being said...
Jesus poured Himself out for His children. Once again, Christ often suffered out of love for us...to adopt us as His kids. How do we think that we can escape the suffering He went through? Our biggest relationships are often the most messy and we sacrifice much more than we ever planned on. Where our love runs deepest, our emotions are often the highest and the most sensitive. Once again, having kids will bring that Refining Fire closer yet again! Kids bring things out of you that your spouse doesn't. It's a different angle for the Fire to get to you. It will bring out another element of both the Love and the sin within yourself. You will say and do and sacrifice things you never thought possible, for better or for worse.
Since becoming a parent, I've never been so fearful or so angry in my life. Not even with my husband. My conversations with my husband are frustrating on a completely different level than with my kids. My husband has language and life experience, that causes one kind of clash. My kids have limited language, limited understanding and next to no life experience. As you can imagine, these both bring conflict. These irons definitely "sharpen" my iron. Holy moley.
I didn't understand how deeply sinful I was until I got married and had kids. I've had to come face-to-face with my own selfishness, anger, irritability in some really uncomfortable and shamefully sinful ways. Like the pictures on Facebook, things can look one way as you pass by me, but sometimes my home is visibly sin-saturated. Don't get me wrong...I have a wonderful husband and kids. We are generally good-willed toward each other...but the truth is, when sin rears its ugly head, things can meltdown in a matter of seconds. I say or do things that I never thought I'd be capable. But you know what, those tendencies were ALREADY in me...I just never knew it...until an irritant came and brought out, what Emerson Eggerichs calls, my "natural properties."
Emerson gives the illustration of one irritant: sand. In your eye, sand irritates the eye and can eventually cause great damage through infection if not dealt with. In a clam, that same irritant becomes a pearl over time. It's the SAME irritant! But it brings out the natural properties of each location. News flash: Spouses and children are irritants. But what they do is bring out the properties that are ALREADY IN US, we were always capable of the things we say and do. It just takes the right irritant.
BUT...
Once the irritant brings out the properties in us, WE are responsible for dealing with it. It's not "the kids" fault, in that sense. "If my spouse/kids weren't the way they are, I wouldn't be the way I am." Let me tell you, that is a LIE. You were always capable of the things you've said and done, it just took the right irritant to show you what already naturally lies within you. But let me encourage you!! When the irritation, recognize the sin that is rising within you as quickly as you can. Slow yourself down, tell yourself, "I feel like I could lash out right now, what does this situation say about me and what's natural within me?" It's super hard and I don't always do either. But it can be helpful. Because our sin says, "I'm justified in my anger and lashing out because..." We are self-justifying creatures and both marriage and family can bring this out of us in ways we never imagined. Ask the Lord what He is trying to teach you and what He's trying to draw out of you through the dross that's in the gold.
We are all learning, we are all students in this life. We are continually learning, falling flat on our faces, (hopefully) apologizing to those around us that our sin has crushed in its wake, and moving forward having learned something from each and every mistake.
Now to the good news:
As you work through the sin that surfaces, there is a Joy that truly does come. There's that durability of the Love of your spouse that comes. There's a love for your kids that you'd be willing to give up anything to make sure they're okay, no matter how badly they behave. You know what that sounds like? Jesus. A durable, lasting Love that goes through the ups and downs...even at great cost to Itself, whether or not the love is reciprocated (and many of us are in those kinds of relationships as well, I'll get into that on a later blog). A Love that gives up everything to ensure the good of the Other. The Love that puts in WORK, the Love that TIES itself to habitually selfish and grace-less people, the Love that sees the innate Worth of the people it's tied to, a Love that doesn't give up.
Marriage and family scares some and is an idol to others. Let me tell you, it is not something to be idolized. But I'll tell you that the fear is real...because of what it could cost us. And believe me, it often pushes us beyond what we "thought" it would cost us. But you learn to be more Christ-like. You learn to dig your heels in and become a fighter for the things in life that you KNOW matter, even when you don't feel it (see my "Duty of Love" blog for more on that). You will have high highs, and low lows in family life or in single life. They just look different in each place.
Just remember (no matter where you are in life):
His Grace never runs out. Even when we let him down over and over again. You are not a lost cause. Neither is the family you have or the life you live. Our God is in the business of redemption and sanctification (bringing us closer to holiness). I have to regularly get on my knees admitting my guilt and selfishness to the only One who can do anything to lift that burden. But like any good Daddy, who sees His child come to Him and say, "I was wrong..." He doesn't shake his finger or shame or remind us of the list of wrongdoings, rather He comes to us as His loving arms come around us and we hear the words our hearts long for, "I forgive you and I love you. I gave everything to be with you. Let's work this out together." He will never give up on us, even if we give up on ourselves or give up on the life or family He has given us. He was torn to pieces for us, there's nothing He wouldn't do for us.
Everything we experience in this life is to bring us closer to Him and to make us more like Him. What if anything we experience in life or relationship is about OUR heart's position before our God? Yes, there are wrongdoings from other people. But OUR RESPONSE IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY (this is the motto I try, and often fail, to live by). What if we look at our own heart first in these instances, instead of letting our sinful self push blame for our actions on others?
Marriage and family is a WONDERFUL thing, but the only ambition we should have is to be more like Christ. He is the only things we should worship and seek after. (Preaching to myself on that one!). If we want to be more like Christ, expect suffering, even unexplainable suffering. The Cross taught us the Love requires sacrifice. Sacrifice can bear more fruit than you ever thought possible. Just ask Jesus.
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